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| 日期：2006-8-9 20:06:57 | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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WAG THE DOG
by
David Mamet
FADE IN:
A CARD, WHITE ON THE BLACK SCREEN, READS
Why does a dog wag its tail?
BENEATH IT, THE NEXT LINE FADES IN:
Because a dog is smarter than its tail.
CROSS-FADE TO THE NEXT CARD, WHICH READS:
If the tail were smarter, the tail would wag the dog.
DISSOLVE
FADE IN:
EXT THE WHITE HOUSE NIGHT
A VAN FULL OF PEOPLE STOPS AT A SIDE ENTRANCE.
ANGLE INT THE WHITE HOUSE
AT THE SIDE, UTILITY ENTRANCE, WE SEE THE DISGORGING WORKING-CLASS MEN AND
WOMEN, THEY PASS THROUGH SECURITY SCREENING IN THE B.G., THROUGH METAL
DETECTORS, AND PAST SEVERAL GUARDS WHO CHECK THE PHOTO-I.D.'S AROUND THEIR
NECKS.
ANGLE INT THE WHITE HOUSE
WILFRED AMES, AND AMY CAIN, A BRIGHT YOUNG WOMAN IN HER TWENTIES, WALKING DOWN
A CORRIDOR, LOOKING WORRIED.
ANGLE AMES AND CAIN
AMES AND CAIN HAVE STOPPED AT THE END OF THE HALL. BEYOND THEM WE SEE THE
CLEANING PEOPLE COMING IN FROM THE VAN, AND BEING CLEARED THROUGH A METAL
DETECTOR INTO A HOLDING AREA, AND HANDED CLEANING MATERIALS, MOPS, VACUUMS, ET
CETERA, BY A TYPE HOLDING A CLIPBOARD. PART OF THE GROUP, A MAN IN HIS
FORTIES, IN A RATTY JACKET, OPEN COLLARED SHIRT, PASSES THROUGH THE GROUP,
AND IS STOPPED BY A SECRET SERVICEMAN WHO APPEARS NEXT TO AMES. IN THE B.G.
WE SEE A TV IN AN ADJACENT ROOM, SHOWING A POLITICAL COMMERCIAL.
AMES
(TO SECRET SERVICEMAN)
...That's him.
AMES MOVES OUT OF THE SHOT. LEAVING US ON THE POLITICAL COMMERCIAL.
WE SEE TWO BUSINESS PEOPLE ON THE PLANE, A MAN AND A WOMAN.
BUSINESSMAN
Well, all I know, you don't change horses in the middle
of the stream.
BUSINESSWOMAN
"Don't change Horses," well, there's a lot of truth in
that.
THE IMAGE SHIFTS TO A PRESIDENT, DOING PRESIDENTIAL THINGS. AND THE VOICE-
OVER.
VOICE-OVER
For Peace, prosperity, for all of us: Don't change
Horses in...
ANGLE
A CORRIDOR OF THE WHITE HOUSE, AS AMES AND THE MAN IN THE RATTY JACKET (BREAN)
WALK HURRIEDLY. AMES FINISHES ONE CIGARETTE AND USES THE BUTT TO LIGHT A
FRESH ONE. THEY PASS BY A LARGE PHOTOGRAPH OF THE BACK OF A MAN, BENDING TO
SHAKE HANDS WITH ONE OF A LINE OF GIRLSCOUTS. AMES GLANCES UP AT THE
PHOTOGRAPH AND SHARES HIS HEAD DEJECTEDLY.
INT WHITE HOUSE "SITUATION" ROOM. NIGHT.
A WOMAN WITH A STENOPAD, ARRANGING PADS AND PENCILS AT A SMALL CONFERENCE
TABLE. A SECRET SERVICE TYPE PUTS HIS HEAD IN THE ROOM, AND BOWS OUT, AND
NODS, BREAN AND AMES ENTER HURRIEDLY.
AMES
We're going to...
HE STOPS TALKING AS A WHITE HOUSE WAITER ENTERS WITH A TRAY WITH COFFEE THINGS
ON IT, FOLLOWED BY TWO YOUNG AIDES, SLEEPY AND DISHEVELLED, WHO ENTER QUICKLY,
AND APOLOGIES UNUTTERED, SIT AND MAKE THEMSELVES SMALL.
BREAN MAKES A LITTLE GESTURE AT THE WAITER, WHO IS SETTING OUT THE COFFEE,
AND AT THE STENOGRAPHER, MEANING "GET THEM OUT OF HERE."
AMES
Thank you, that'll be all.
THE STENOGRAPHER AND THE WAITER LEAVE
BREAN
(OF THE TWO STAFFERS)
Who we got here...?
AMES
John Levy, Staff, and Amy Cain, Press Off....
BREAN
Alright. Look here, any of you kids hear in this
room: what you hear here, what you say here, what you
do here, f'it got out, you leaked it.
(TO AMES)
Tell'em what they need to know.
AMES
When it broke, he said one word: get me Ronnie Brean.
BREAN
(NODS)
Well. Alright. What is it? What's, he, uh...? He
had an Illegal Immigrant, was his Gardener, some years
back...?
(SMILES)
What's the thing? You people get ahead, you sure get
nervous.
AN AIDE ENTERS, WITH SEVERAL TYPED SHEETS, WHICH SHE HANDS TO CAIN. CAIN
READS TO HERSELF, PASSES THEM TO AMES.
BREAN
(CON'T)
...he made a pass at some Secretary, back in...
AMES TAKES THE SHEETS, AND READS. GESTURES TO BREAN, "ONE MOMENT, PLEASE."
ANGLE INS. THE SHEET, WHICH AMES HOLDS.
IT READS
AS PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES I REGRET THAT
PERSONAL INCAPACITY HAS RENDERED ME MOMENTARILY UNABLE
TO CONFRONT AND CORRECT....
ANGLE
BREAN LOOKING ON, AS AMES READS, AND SHAKES HIS HEAD SADLY. BREAN TAKES THE
SHEETS.
ANGLE INS.
READING OVER BREAN'S SHOULDERS
1.) Statutory Rape.
2.) The President's long-documented mental problems
3.) Brought about by reaction to Drugs to control
flu...?
ANGLE AMES READING OVER BREAN'S SHOULDER.
AMES
...did he have the flu...?
CAIN
It can be documented that he displayed the...
BREAN LAYS DOWN THE SHEET SOMBERLY, EVERYONE LOOKS AT HIM.
BREAN
This ain't the illegal immigrant Nanny.
CAIN
There was a group of Girlscouts here from Indiana last
month. One of them expressed an interest in a
Frederick Remington bust. The president took her into
the oval Office, for a period...
AMES
Three minutes. It couldn't have been over three
minutes, the Secret Service...
BREAN GESTURES HIM TO BE QUIET.
BREAN
Okay. And she's alleging...?
CAIN GESTURES BREAN TO KEEP READING THE SHEETS IN FRONT OF HIM. HE DOES SO.
PAUSE. TO HIMSELF.
BREAN
(CON'T)
Jesus, Mary and Joseph.
AMES
We are virtually certain it isn't...
BREAN
Who's got the story?
(PAUSE)
AMES
Don't you want to know if it's true?
BREAN
What difference does it make if it's true?
(PAUSE)
It's a story, and, it breaks they're gonna have to run
with it -- How long've we got til it breaks?
(PAUSE)
AMES
Front page. Washington Post. Tomorrow.
BREAN
Well, yeah. Now. That's not good. Okay:
(PAUSE)
Okay. We'll set up the War Room Here...
AN AIDE BRINGS HIM A CUP OF COFFEE.
BREAN
Thank you. Now: where is he?
LEVY
China.
BREAN
When's he coming back...?
LEVY
Touchdown, Andrews, fourteen hundred, today.
BREAN TAKES A NOTEBOOK OUT OF HIS POCKET, AND LOOKS AT IT.
BREAN
(AS HE READS FROM HIS NOTEBOOK)
Alright, now, here: he stays on the ground in China
til Tomorrow.
CAIN
...why?
BREAN
...you the Press Office?
CAIN
...Yes.
BREAN
(SHRUGS)
Earn your money. ...He's ill, the Plane is sick...
CAIN
(MAKING NOTES)
...Good...
AMES
When do we bring'em back?
BREAN
You gotta give me a day. I need a day.
(PAUSE)
He's sick, get it out now. Get him on the phone'n tell
him how sick he is. We got to get it out before the
story breaks, so we aren't quote, responding to it.
Issue is as a bulletin. He's got some rare strain
of...
AMES
It won't hold.
BREAN
All I need is the one day.
AMES
It won't even hold the one day, Ronnie --
BREAN
Yes -- It will... Now: why is the President in China?
LEVY
Trade Re1ations.
BREAN
You're goddamn right. And it's got nothing to do with
the B-2 Bomber.
(PAUSE)
LEVY
There is no B-2 Bomber,
BREAN
That's what I'm telling you.
(PAUSE. HE GLANCES AT HIS WATCH.)
The two things: the two things: Rare strain of flu,
No Cause to Be Alarmed. And the B-2 Bomber...
(TO AIDES)
Clear me a space. Get me a copy, go rob one, get it
off the computer, Wash Post, N.Y. TIMES,
AIDE
You want some research, flu? Side-effects of medi....
BREAN
Naw, we can't play this one catch-up. That's how long
since you stopped beating the wife. We have to...
AMES
We're going to have to explain away the...
BREAN
They caught him in the closet with a Girlscout. Side-
effects of a pill ain't gone trump that. You have to
keep'em guessing for
(HE GLANCES AT THE CALENDAR)
Two weeks. You don't have to Cure Cancer, Pal, you
just have to give them something more interesting
than...
CAIN
What's more interesting than boffing the girlscout?
BREAN
Well, that's what we're doing here...
BREAN IS SUNK IN THOUGHT. AN AIDE STARTS TO SPEAK. AMES SILENCES HIM, BREAN
BECKONS AMES OVER.
BREAN
(SOTTO)
Gemme twenty thousand dollars....
AMES NODS, AND WAVES AN AIDE OVER AND WHISPERS TO HER.
BREAN
(CONT.)
And gemme a car.
AMES
Car and a driver, Mr. Brean, the Westgate, Now,
please...
BREAN
Okay, look, who's takin' the press conference today?
CAIN
Is there a press conference today?
BREAN
What do you think? What I need from you: I need a
base of operations. Some place in the District. I
need some clean money ...
LEVY
How much...?
AMES GESTURES HIM TO BE QUIET.
BREAN
And, to hold it together, I need two days. There is no
B-2 Bomber: here's what you do ahout that: whoever is
leaking stuff to that geek at the Post, lets it slip,
"Geez, I hope this doesn't screw up the B-2 Program..."
"What B-2 Program, and why should it screw it up?" "If
the president moves to deploy the B-2 before it is
fully tested." "Deploy the B-2, Why?" "In the
Crisis."
AMES
What crisis?
BREAN
I'm working on it. Same time, you call Billy Scott at
Joint Chiefs, and pour him onna plane right now to
Seattle, y'got that...? All flustered and worried. To
talk to the Boeing people.
AMES
(TO LEVY)
Do it...
LEVY MOVES TO A TELEPHONE.
BREAN
(TO CAIN)
And you?
CAIN
But there isn't a B-2 bomber.
BREAN
Where'd you go to school, Kid. Wellesly?
CAIN
Dartmouth
BREAN
Then show a little spunk. There Is no B-2 Bomber,
General Scott, the best of your knowledge, is not in
Seattle to talk with Boeing...
AMES
It won't hold.
BREAN
One day, Two days? Course it's gonna hhhh....
CAMERA TAKES THEM DOWN THE HALL, WHERE WE SEE THE CLEANING PEOPLE, WITH FLOOR
POLISHERS, LOOKING UP AT THE PICTURE OF THE PRESIDENT AND THE GIRLSCOUTS, AND
SNICKERING.
ANGLE
ON BREAN AND AMES LOOKING ON.
THE CLEANING PEOPLE NOTICE THEY ARE BEING WATCHED AND DISPERSE.
AMES
It won't hold, Ronnie, it won't prove out.
BREAN
We don't need it to prove out. We need it to distract
them for two weeks til the election.
AMES
What would do that...?
HOLD, ON BREAN THINKING.
AMES
(CONT.)
What in the world would do that?
BREAN
I'm working on it.
HE TURNS AROUND AND STARES AT THE WALL.
BREAN WALKS TO THE COUNTER WHERE THE COFFEE AND ROLLS ARE STEAMING. ON THE
WALL ARE HUNG TWO WIPE-OFF SLATES. ONE READS "DAYS TO ELECTION 12," THE OTHER
READS "% IN FAVOR 63" BREAN PICKS UP A ROLL, DOWNS A COFFEE, AND STARTS OUT OF
THE DOOR.
ANGLE
CAMERA TAKES THEM OUT INTO THE HALL.
BREAN LEANS CLOSE TO AMES.
BREAN
Gimme twenty thousand dollars.
HE STARTS INTO THE HALL, FOLLOWED BY THE ENTOURAGE, AND THE CAMERA.
BREAN
I'll be back within the hour. Now,
AMES
(WALKS ALONG, SHAKING HIS HEAD)
It's going to be fine. It's going to be ... you
remember in 88, when...
AN AIDE COMES UP TO THEM, HOLDING A VIDEOTAPE.
AMES
What is it...
AIDE WHISPERS TO AMES. WHO NODS, TAKES THE TAPE, AND BREAN, AND THE AIDE,
INTO A SIDE OFFICE.
INT SIDE OFFICE NIGHT.
AS THE AIDS PUTS THE TAPE INTO A V.C.R.
BREAN
What is it?
AMES
It's the rough-cut, the other side's new commercial.
THE PICTURE COMES ON, IT SHOWS THE PRESIDENT DOING SEVERAL PRESIDENTIAL
THINGS. THE COMMERCIAL WE SAW EARLIER.
BREAN
That's our commercial.
(PAUSE)
I've seen it. That's our commercial.
AMES
(TO AIDE)
Turn up the volume.
THE AIDE DOES SO, AND WE HEAR MAURICE CHAVALIER SINGING,
"Thank heaven, for Little Girls...."
ANOTHER AIDE ENTERS, SHEEPISHLY, HANDS A THICK PACKET TO AMES, WHO HOLDS IT
OUT TO BREAN.
BREAN
What is this?
AMES
Twenty thousand dollars.
BREAN
(NODS, REMEMBERING IT)
Yeah, I'm gonna have to go to L.A.
INT BACKSEAT THE STATIONWAGON WE SAW AT THE WESTGATE. GEORGETOWN. NIGHT.
AMES IN THE BACKSEAT.
AMES
I'm coming with you.
BREAN
(SHRUGS)
Gemme a plane. Business Aviation, National, one hour.
Fly to Chicago. O'hare, LAX 6 A.M.
AMES
I'll see you at National.
BREAN NODS, AND EXITS.
HOLD ON AMES.
HE HEARS SOMETHING, AND TURNS.
ANGLE
HIS POV.
A YOUNG STAFFER, IN THE CORNER, SPEAKING SOFTLY ON THE PHONE.
STAFFER
(ON PHONE)
Tell him, well, tell him we, I know we just signed it,
but we're going to cancel it.
(PAUSE)
Because, because we're not going to be staying here the
next four years.
(PAUSE)
Well, I can't tell you on the phone...
EXT GEORGETOWN STREET NIGHT.
THE DOORSTEP OF A HOUSE. A MIDDLE AGED MAN IN A BATHROBE, HOLDS A VERY LARGE
MANILA ENVELOPE, HE TURNS, SOMEONE BEHIND HIM OBVIOUSLY HAVING CALLED HIM. HE
TURNS AND SECRETS THE ENVELOPE IN HIS BATHROBE POCKET.
ANGLE
IN THE FOREGROUND, BREAN, IN A TAXICAB, WHICH DRIVES AWAY, IN THE B.G., THE
MAN IN THE BATHROBE, REENTERING HIS HOUSE.
INT SMALL TWIN ENGINE PROP PLANE. NIGHT.
AMES AND BREAN IN THE BACK
HOLD ON AMES
WHO IS SHAKING HIS HEAD. HE REACHES OVER AND NUDGES BREAN AWAKE.
AMES
Tell, tell, tell me again.
BREAN
....we landing?
AMES
Tell me again.
BREAN
(SIGHS)
Lookit, don't worry about it. It's not a New Concept.
Wake me when we touch down, will...
HE TRIES TO NESTLE HIMSELF BACK TO SLEEP. AMES NUDGES HIM.
AMES
We can't afford a war.
BREAN
We aren't going to have a war. We're going to have the
"appearance" of a war.
AMES
I'm not sure we can afford to have the "appearance" of
a war.
BREAN
What's it gonna cost?
(HE SHRUGS AND STARTS TO ROLL OVER TO
GO TO SLEEP.)
AMES
But, but, but, "they" would find out.
BREAN
Who would find out?
AMES
...the...
(HE GESTURES OUT OF THE WINDOW)
BREAN
The American "people"?
AMES
Yes
BREAN
Who's gonna tell'em.
AMES
...but...
BREAN
What did they find out about the Gulf War? One shot:
one bomb, falling though the roof, building coulda been
made of Legos.
HE ROLLS OVER AGAIN.
AMES
(AS IF REHEARSING IT TO HIMSELF)
...you want us to go to War...
BREAN ROUSES HIMSELF, SHRUGS, TAKES OUT A NOTEBOOK, AND BEGINS TO WRITE.
BREAN
...that's the general idea.
AMES
Why?
BREAN
Why not, what've they ever done for us...? Also: they
sound... Ah, you see, this is why we have to mobilize
the B-2 Bomber...
AMES
...they sound what?
BREAN
Shifty. Who knows anything about em...
AMES
Hold on, hold on, hold on:
BREAN
Well, I'm gonna hold on, but you went to win this
election, you better change the subject. You wanna
change this subject, you better have a War. What do
you need? It's gotta be quick, it's gotta be dramatic,
you got to have an enemy. Okay? What do you need in
an enemy? Somebody you fear. Who do you fear?
Som'b'y you don't know.
AMES
Who?
BREAN
Well, I'm working on it....
HE ROLLS OVER.
EXT, O'HARE AIRPORT. BUSINESS TERMINAL.
A BEAUTIFUL PRAIRIE DAWN.
THE SMALL PLANE FINISHES TAXIING, BREAN AND AMES EMERGE, A UNIFORMED
OBSEQUIOUS AIRLINE ATTENDANT COMES UP, AND HANDS THEM TICKETS.
ANGLE, ON BREAN AND AMES, AS THEY WALK ACROSS THE TARMAC.
AMES
Albania...
BREAN
Yes.
AMES
Why?
BREAN
What do you know about them?
AMES
...nothing...
BREAN
Precisely.
AMES
What did Albania ever do to us?
BREAN
What did they ever do for us...?
(PAUSE)
You see, this is why we have to mobilize the B-2
Bomber.
AMES
(TO HIMSELF)
...you want us to go to War with Albania.
BREAN
Here's what you got to do:
(HE GESTURES, "GET ON THE PHONE")
Get your Press Office, Right now. To deny; There is
no report of Albanian Activity. They have to deny it.
Now, get the C.I.A.
INT AIRLINE WAITING AREA. DAY.
EARLY MORNING BUSINESSMEN AND WOMEN, HOLDING COFFEE CUPS.
ONE WEARS A CAMPAIGN BUTTON SHOWING THE PHOTO OF THE PRESIDENT AND THE GIRL
SCOUT. HE BRUSHES PAST BREAN WHO IS SITTING BY A MINDLESS TELEVISION WEATHER
PRESENTATION ON A HUGE TV. HE LOOKS DOWN AT HIS WATCH.
ANNOUNCER
(VO)
American Airlines Announces the departure of flight
_____ for Los Angeles, will all Passengers holding...
THE BUSINESS TYPES BEGIN TO QUEUE UP IN A SLEEPY LINE. BREAN LEANS CLOSER TO
THE TELEVISION, AS IT CHANGES TO A NEWS LOGO, AND A TALKING HEAD APPEARS.
TALKING HEAD
Good morning: With the election eleven days away the
world slept, expecting news from the President on Trade
and his visit to China, another sort of news, however,
has emerged from the Presidential Quarter. Chris
Andrews, station KCRT, Santa Fe Reports:
BREAN LEANS BACK FROM THE TELEVISION, AND PUTS HIS ATTENTION ON THE BUSINESS
PEOPLE ABOUT TO FILE ONTO THE PLANE. AS HE WATCHES THEY MOVE FIRST ONE AT A
TIME, AND THEN, IN A GROUP, DRAWN TO THE TELEVISIONS.
ANGLE:
BREAN, LOOKING AT THE BUSINESS PEOPLE, CLUSTERING UP. BEYOND HIM, WE SEE THE
TALKING HEAD FROM SANTA FE, THE SHOT OF THE PRESIDENT WITH THE GIRLSCOUTS,
WHICH WE SAW PREVIOUSLY ON THE WHITE HOUSE WALL, AND ON THE CAMPAIGN BUTTONS.
BREAN TAKES OUT A NOTEPAD AND STARTS MAKING NOTES. AMES WANDERS INTO THE
SHOT, WITH A CUP OF DUNKIN' DONUTS COFFEE, AND THE CELLPHONE INTO WHICH HE IS
TALKING.
AMES
Top people. Albanian Desk. Well, I don't know either,
but we probably have one. Albanian Dusk, C.I.A.,
N.S.A. roust'em outta bed, sirens blaring....
BREAN NODS, MEANING, "GOOD STUDENT."
AMES
(CONT.)
I know they'll be in in an hour, get'em now...C.I.A.,
N.S.A., wake'em up.
BREAN GESTURES, TELL THEM THE OTHER THING.
AMES
(CONT.)
And you tell the staff, anyone leaks anything on this
situation, his or her job is going to be...
THE TWO ARE IN THE QUEUE THROUGH THE JETWAY. THEY COME TO THE DOOR OF THE
AIRLINER.
AMES
(CONT.)
...General Scott in Seattle...? No, I don't think his
trip has got anything to do with the B-2 Bomber.
Now...
THE STEWARDESS INTERVENES, AS THEY COME UP TO THE DOOR OF THE AIRLINER
STEWARDESS
I'm sorry, Sir, I'll have to ask you to...
SHE GESTURES AT THE CELLPHONE.
AMES LAGS BEHIND IN THE JETWAY, AS BREAN WALKS INTO THE PLANE, CAMERA TRACKS
WITH HIM.
BREAN AND THE CAMERA NOTICE A SMALL MINI TV IN THE GALLEY AREA, WHERE THE
STEWARDESS IS SNEAKING A PEEK AT THE SCREEN, SHOWING THE PRESIDENT, GREETING
THE GIRLSCOUT.
STEWARDESS
(CONT.)
(TO BREAN)
Did you hear?
BREAN
Well, I don't know, a lot of these early reports are
inflated.
STEWARDESS
... could, could, could he have done it?
BREAN
...who understands Human Nature?
ANGLE
BACK AT HIS SEAT, THE WOMAN IN THE SEAT ACROSS THE AISLE TO HIM IS TALKING IN
AN AIRFONE.
WOMAN
(INTO PHONE)
What did she say that the President Actually did....
Well, who said it. Her mother, or Her?
(PAUSE)
He did...?
(PAUSE)
...and they said that on TV...?
(PAUSE)
They used that word...?
BREAN EASES INTO HIS SEAT, AND TAKES OUT HIS NOTEBOOK.
WOMAN
(INTO PHONE)
...what time? Two Eastern? Alright, I'll.... Alright.
(SHE HANGS UP THE AIRFONE.)
BEAT. SHE TURNS TO BREAN. WE SEE SHE IS WEARING THE BUTTON WHICH SHOWS THE
PRESIDENT AND THE GIRLSCOUTS. SHE LOOKS DOWN AND FINGERS THE BUTTON.
WOMAN
(OF THE BUTTON)
...what do you think...?
BREAN
...how can any of us know?
WOMAN
(OF THE BUTTON)
Makes you feel kind of foolish, doesn't it...?
BREAN
I'm sure that's the worst of it.
(BEAT)
WOMAN
(MEDITATIVELY, SHAKING HER HEAD, AS
SHE LOOKS AT THE BUTTON)
...a twelve year-old girl.
(PAUSE)
...and I was going to vote, for him.
BREAN
Well, it ain't over til it's over...
AMES SITS IN THE SEAT NEXT TO BREAN.
BREAN
How's he doing?
AMES SHUSHES BREAN, TAKES OUT THE AIRPHONE, AND STARTS DIALING.
EXT POOLHOUSE BEVERLY HILLS HOTEL DAY.
TWO WHITE-TOGGED POOL ATTENDANTS, WATCHING A SMALL TELEVISION AT THE CHECK-IN
AREA.
ON TELEVISION, SENATOR FREDERICK NOLE, A MIDWESTERNER, HOLDING FORTH.
NOLE
...if it is true, he should, he must step down. And if
it is not true, then he must ... we are informed he has
extended his visit to China, I say, on behalf of the
American...
ANNOUNCER
(VO)
Senator...Senator... we have to...
NOLE
I say, on behalf of the American People, Come home,
face the music, whatever that may be. Th'election's
in ten days, let the American...
ANNOUNCER
(VO)
Let the American People decide...
SCREEN GOES TO THE TALKING HEAD OF THE ANNOUNCER.
ANNOUNCER
Senator Frederick Nole. With, excuse me, Senator,
that's eleven days, til the election, And the president
ahead in the polls by, Bob...?
SECOND TALKING HEAD
Seventeen percent.
ANNOUNCER
Accusations have surfaced, which...
BOB
Bill, the White House has announced, that, in response
to media pressure there will be a press conference
in...
THE TWO POOL ATTENDANTS STRAIGHTEN, AND PUT ON THEIR BEST SMILES, AND LOOK AT AN
ARRIVING MAN.
POOL ATTENDANT
Morning, Mr. Moss.
STANLEY MOSS, A SUCCESSFUL LOOKING FELLOW AROUND SIXTY, COMES THROUGH THE
TURNSTILE, ONE OF THE ATTENDANTS BUSTLES AROUND, HANDING HIM TOWELS. WE HOLD
ON THE SECOND ATTENDANT, WHO SCURRIES UP THE STEPS.
SECOND ATTENDANT
...I'll be right back with your juice...
MOSS CALLS AFTER HIM
MOSS
...with a carrot in it...
AS HE CLEARS THE FRAME, WE SEE, BELOW HIM, MOSS AND THE FIRST ATTENDANT, WHO
IS GESTURING DOWN TOWARD THE POOL AREA, THEY TURN THEIR HEADS.
ANGLE
DOWN AT THE DESERTED POOL AREA. ONE NANNY TYPE, WITH A YOUNG KID IN
WATERWINGS, FROLICKING IN THE WATER, AND BREAN, AND AMES, WHO ARE SITTING IN
POOL CHAIRS. BREAN RISES, AND WALKS TO GREET MOSS, LEAVING AMES IN THE B.G.
TALKING ON A CELL PHONE.
ANGLE
ON MOSS AND BREAN, AS MOSS APPROACHES A BIT TENTATIVELY.
MOSS
Do I know you?
BREAN
We have some mutual friends in Washington.
INT POOL CABANA, BEV. HILLS HOTEL, DAY. A CURTAIN IS SWEPT ASIDE, AS MOSS
AND BREAN AND AMES ENTER, IN THE B.G. WE SEE THE NANNY AND THE LITTLE KID IN
THE POOL. MOSS AND BREAN ARE TALKING AS THEY ENTER.
MOSS
And is it true?
AMES
Waal, Mr. Moss, I wouldn't....
MOSS STARTS STRIPPING OFF HIS CLOTHES, AND CHANGING INTO A SWIMSUIT.
MOSS
You wouldn't be here if it wasn't true. It's true,
right?
HE SWITCHES ON THE TELEVISION IN THE CABANA. WE SEE A FEMALE TALKING HEAD.
FEMALE TALKING HEAD
Sexual relations with a girl thirteen years old.
THE SCREEN GOES TO THE PHOTO OF THE PRESIDENT WITH THE GIRLSCOUTS.
MOSS TURNS DOWN THE VOLUME. AS HE AND BREAN TALK THE TV SHOWS IMAGES OF THE
PRESIDENT WITH GIRLSCOUTS, AND WITH OTHER YOUTH GROUPS.
MOSS
And you're here why...?
BREAN
I'm here, Mr. Moss, because you've shown yourself a
great supporter of the Party.
MOSS
Party's gonna need more than a couple bucks now.
THE POOL ATTENDANT ENTERS WITH A TRAY ON WHICH IS A GLASS WITH LIQUID AND A
CARROT STICK IN IT, AND A GLASS FULL OF CELERY STICKS.
MOSS
Back where I come from they call this Romeo in Joliet.
(HE SHAKES HIS HEAD, REACHES ONTO A
SMALL TABLE BEHIND HIM, AND PICKS UP A
BOOK.)
I, I, and y'know, I like the guy... he signed his
book to me....
HE HOLDS THE BOOK TO BREAN, THE CAMERA SEES THE PHOTO OF THE PRESIDENT ON THE
BACK COVER, THE FRONT COVER READS.
".... FOR TWO GENERATIONS TO AGREE."
MOSS LOOKS DOWN AT THE BOOK, AND QUOTES
MOSS
"For Progress to occur, it is necessary for Two
Generations to Agree...."
HE LOOKS AT THE TELEVISION SCREEN, WHICH SHOWS THE PRESIDENT WITH A YOUNG GIBL
ON HIS LAP.
MOSS
Oh, jeez, this guy is fucked.
BREAN
What one has to do, Mr. Moss. Is to fight a holding
action.
MOSS
...holding action. THEY'RE GOING TO TEAR THIS GUY TO
Shreds.
BREAN
If we can hold the break-in-the-dam for ten days, til
the election, we...
MOSS
Yeah, hut you can't hold the dam. How the hell,
n'nu'n', I don't get what you want me to ...
THE SCREEN CHANGES, WE SEE THE SEAL OF THE PRESIDENT, AND WE ARE IN THE
NEWSROOM OF THE WHITE HOUSE. A SHOT OF THE RESTIVE REPORTERS, IN THE B.G.
OF THE CABANA WE SEE THE POOL ATTENDANT TAKING HIS LEAVE, HURRYING BACK TO
THE OTHER TELEVISION AT THE POOL DESK.
ANNOUNCER
(VO)
Allegations that the president had sexual... Ah...
here is the deputy ... assistant under secretary...
WE SEE LEVY TAKE THE PODIUM, ARRANGE HIS NOTES, AND CLEAR HIS THROAT.
BREAN LEANS FORWARD, ANXIOUS, IN HIS SEAT.
MOSS
I don't ... they're gonna tear this guy to shreds...
LEVY
(ON TV)
...the illness of the President, which we are assured,
is not serious. I repeat, it is not serious, the
doctors suspect it's a stomach flu, but have advised
him not to fly. He will remain, on the ground, in
China for, they estimate, one or two days, I stress
that, during this time he will, of...
MOSS
...he's gotta come back sometime, what the hell is two
days gonna buy him.
LEVY
(VO)
Any questions....Mr. Sklansky, Yes...
MOSS
(AS HE LEANS CLOSER TO THE TV)
... twelve year old girl... Breir Rabbit couldh t gut
outta this...
ANGLE, ON BREAN AS HE LOOKS AT MOSS, LEANING INTO THE TV. HE THEN
SWITCHES HIS GLANCE TOWARD THE POOL DESK, ANGLE HIS POV. AT THE POOL DESK
WE SEE THE TWO ATTENDANTS, THE NANNY, THE KID AND SEVERAL NEWLY ARRIVED
BATHERS CLUSTERED, RAPT, AROUND THE TELEVISION.
LEVY
(C) (VO)
Yes...?
SKLANSKY
(VO)
Mr. Levy...
LEVY
(VO)
Yes
SKLANSKY
Would you comment on the rumors... on the rumors that
the President's trip, that the President's delay... is
due to the situation in Albania?
ANGLE
ON THE TELEVISION WE SEE SKLANSKY, AND SEE THAT HE IS THE CHAP IN THE
BATHROBE WHOM BREAN GAVE THE ENVELOPE TO.
LEVY
There, uh, I'm not aware of the situation to which you
refer.
SKLANSKY
Sir: the heads of the Albanian Desks at C.I.A., and at
the National Security agency have been recalled on
Special Alert, and there are rumors that the B-2
Bomber...
LEVY
Mr. Sklansky, Mr. Sklansky, I am I am unaware of any,
um, "situation..." The B-2 Bomber?
(PAUSE)
The B-2 Bomber...? There is no B-2 Bomber. Mrs.
Rose...
A WOMAN REPORTER STANDS.
MRS. ROSE
Mr. Levy, early this morning Major General William
Scott flew to Seattle. Is his trip connected with the
B-2 Bomber?
LEVY
Uh...Mrs. Rose, there, to the best of my knowledge,
there is no...
REPORTER
Mr. Levy: is the situation in Albania in any way
connected with recent Muslim Fundamentalist, anti-
American...
BEAT. MOSS LOOKS AT BREAN.
MOSS
How close are you to this thing?
BREAN PICKS UP A CELLPHONE FROM THE TABLE, AND DIALS
BREAN
(TO MOSS)
What do you want the kid to say?
MOSS LOOKS AT BREAN APPRAISINGLY.
MOSS
Have him say, 'I know we're all concerned for the
President, there will he an update at 5:45.'
AS MOSS SPEAKS BREAN NODS TO AMES, SPEAKS INTO THE TELEPHONE.
AMES
(INTO PHONE)
Have the kid say I know we're all concerned for the
President. There will he an update on his
condition at 5:45.
THEY BOTH TURN TO WATCH THE SCREEN.
LEVY
(ON TV)
...no information whatever on Fundamentalist...
(HE HOLDS HIS HAND TO HIS EARPHONE)
I. I just want to say I know we're all conceroed for
the President, there will be an update on his
condition at five forty-five...
MOSS LEANS OVER AND TURNS DOWN THE VOLUME ON THE TV.
BEAT.
MOSS
Well. You bought yourself one day. Maybe two.
BREAN
String a few together. All I need's eleven,
MOSS
How you going to stretch it?
(HE GESTURES AT THE TV)
This won't hold for eleven days. Guy fucked a twelve-
year-old...whadday're gonna do to hold that off?
BREAN
What do you think would hold it off?
MOSS
Uh, nothing, oh, nothing ... uh... a War, uh...
(HE PAUSES, THEN LOOKS AT BREAN WITH
COMPREHENSION.)
You're kidding.
BREAN SHAKES HIS HEAD NO.
MOSS
I'm a Jew in Show Business. Why come to me?
BREAN
I'm gonna tell you why...
BREAN LEANS CONSPIRATORIALLY, OVER TOWARD MOSS.
BREAN
Here's the Short Course: Fifty-Four, Forty or Fight.
What does that mean?
MOSS
Uh, it's a slogan. From, uh...
BREAN
Remember the Maine...
MOSS
That's from the ... it's got to be from the...
BREAN
Tippecanoe and Tyler, Too!
MOSS
...uh ... No, that's...
BREAN
We remember the slogans, we can't even remember the
fucking wars. Y'know why. Cause it's show business.
That's why I'm here. Naked girl, covered in Napalm.
Five marines Raising the Flag, Mount Suribachi.
Churchill, V for Victory, Y'remember the Picture, fifty
years from now, they'll have forgotten the war. Gulf
War? Smart Bomb, falling through the roof. 2500
missions a day, 100 days, One Shot of One Bomb. The
American people bought that war. M'I getting through
to you? War in the Balkans, don't mean nothing, till
some G.I. flyer, went down, Eating Snakes for Ten days.
N'then It's show business, Mister Moss. That's why
I'm here.
ANGLE
AT THE POOL DESK. THE ATTENDANTS AND THE GUESTS ARE WATCHING THE TELEVISION.
ON WHICH WE SEE COMIONTATOR TALKING ABOUT A MAP OF ALBANIA.
THE SCENE SHIFTS TO THE SHOTS OF THE PRESIDENT BEING PRESIENTIAL, AND WE
HEAR, "THANK HEAVEN, FOR LITTLE GIRLS..."
AMES WINCES, WE SEE THE POOL ATTENDANTS LAUGH.
BREAN
It's like being a producer, Mr. Moss. The Things in
Trouble. Somebody's got to wade in, save the thing.
(PAUSE)
You get the Actors get up there, and strut and
Posture. But somebody, knows what's what, got to jump
in and Save the Thing.
(PAUSE)
THEY LISTEN TO THANK HEAVEN, FOR LITTLE GIRLS, AND THEY LOOK AT MOSS.
PAUSE
MOSS
Why Albania?
BREAN
Why not?
MOSS NODS DECISIVELY. AS IF TO SAY, "BY GOLLY, NOW YOU'RE TALKING..."
MOSS
Pat? Pat?
ONE OF THE ATTENDANTS RAISES HIS HEAD FROM THE TV AND SPRINTS OVER TO THE
CABANA, WHERE WE SEE MOSS AND BREAN DEEP IN CONFAB. MOSS GESTURES TO THE
TRAY WITH THE JUICE AND THE CELERY.
MOSS
...throw this shit out. Gemme a pot of coffee and a
packet of Camels.
INT MOSS'S HOME, AFTERNOON.
A GREENE AND GREENE BUNGALOW IN THE HOLLYWOOD HILLS, AMERICAN ART POTTERY
ALL AROUND. MOSS IN BLUEJEANS AND A HAWAIIAN HAT, PACING BACK AND FORTH,
SMOKING LIKE A CHIMNEY.
MOSS
But at some point they gotta know.
BREAN
Who?
MOSS
The...
(HE GESTURES OUT OF HIS WINDOW,
MEANING, "THE PUBLIC")
BREAN
"They Got To Know?" Stan...? Get with it. Who Killed
Kennedy...? I read the first draft of the Warren
Report, said he was killed by a Drunk Driver. You
watched the Gulf War. What did you see? Day after
day, the one "Smart Bomb" falling into a building.
The truth, I was in the building when they shot that
shot, they shot it in a studio, Falls Church Virginia,
1/10th scale model of a building.
MOSS
Is that true?
BREAN
How the fuck do we know. You take my point?
MOSS
(SHAKING HIS HEAD)
...going to War...
BREAN
It's not "war." It is a Pageant. It's a Pageant...
Like the Oscars... why we came to you...
MOSS
I never won an Oscar.
BREAN
N'it's a crying shame. But you staged the Oscars...
MOSS
Yes. Indeed I did.
(PAUSE)
HE LOOKS OVER AT HIS WALL FULL OF PLAQUES AND TROPHIES.
MOSS
(CONT.)
You know, you're a writer, that's your script. You're
a director...
(HE GESTURES, ET CETERA.)
But if you're the producer ... what did you do?
(PAUSE)
What did you do? All you've got is the credit...
(PAUSE)
Some plaque on the wall...
HE SHAKES HIS HEAD SADLY.
BREAN
And if you never won an Oscar, How'd you like an
ambassadorship...
(PAUSE)
MOSS
Hell, I'd just do it for the hell of having done it,
for a story to tell...
BREAN
Well, no, well, you couldn't tell any...
MOSS
Hey, I know that, hey, I'm kidding...
(PAUSE)
"It's a pageant"
BREAN
...that's what it is.
MOSS
(TO HIMSELF)
"The Country Is At War."
(PAUSE)
BREAN
It's Miss America, N'you're Bert Parks.
(PAUSE)
MOSS
...Yoha, Yoha... Yoha.
(PAUSE)
Why Albania?
BREAN
Because.
MOSS
They got to have something that we want.
BREAN
I'm sure they do.
MOSS
What do we have that they want?
BREAN
"Freedom."
MOSS
Why would they want that?
HAKAN
They're Oppressed.
MOSS
No, no, no. Fuck Freedom. No. Fuck Freedom.
They.... They Want... They Want To Destroy the Godless
Satan of the United ... They want to destroy our Way of
Life. Okay, okay, okay, could we ... okay: the
President is in China. He is dealing with a Dispatch
of the B-2 Bomber to Albania. Why?
(HE SHRUGS, HOLDS UP HIS HANDS, TO SAY,
"YOU TELL ME...")
AMES
Alright, well, alright: geopolitically...
MOSS GESTURES FOR SILENCE.
MOSS
We've just found out They Have the Bomb. We've Just
Found Out They Have The Bomb, aaaand... No, No wait a
second, no, no, wait a second, No. The Bomb's not...
it's not there -- because they'd have to have a
rocket and that shit n'they're a buncha wogs-- it's ...
it's a suitcase Bomb. Ooookay. It's a suitcase bomb,
and it's .... in Canada! Eh? Albanian Terrorists have
placed a suitcase Bomb in Canada, in an attempt to
infiltrate the bomb into the USA.
AMES
You know what? This is good. This is terrific, and
I'll tell you why: it's cost effective. This is....
MOSS
(SHRUGS)
It's producing.
AMES
No, this is great.
MOSS
I could tell you stories: Cecil B. Demille: Alright?
The Greatest Show on Earth: He needs an elephant,
GRACE COMES IN WITH A PHONE, TO AMES.
GRACE
I have the White House on the Line.
MOSS
...one minute: Demille needs an elephant for a
reshoot.
AMES
(TAKES THE PHONE)
Ames here. Yessir...
(HE LISTENS.)
MOSS
Okay. Okay. The Suitcase Bomb...
GRACE
...good title for a movie....
MOSS GESTURES "WRITE IT DOWN"
AMES WANDERS AWAY, RELATING THE PROCEEDINGS INTO THE PHONE.
AMES
..."Terrorism," and an attempt to infiltrate...
MOSS
...the Suitcase Bomb. ACT ONE Albania denies it.
President comes on the air, "Be Calm." Okay, now:
Good. Now, Alright. Act TWO...
(TO GRACE)
I need the following here. Right now: Johnnie Green,
Liz Butsky, and get me the Fad King.
GRACE
Isn't Johnny Green in the...
(SHE GESTURES, LOONEY BIN)
MOSS
No, he's back in Nashville.
BREAN
...who is this guy...?
MOSS
(TO BREAN)
Act Two: and then, Act Two...
BREAN
We don't need an Act Two.
MOSS
(ON THE PHONE)
And get me the Fad King. No. Get him First...
(TO BREAN)
We don't need an Act Two?
BREAN
We've just got to hold their interest for ten more
days, till the Election.
MOSS
...it's a Teaser!
BREAN
It's a teaser, absolutely right,
AMES IS SEEN IN THE B.G. ON THE CELLPHONE.
AMES
(ON THE PHONE, SOTTO)
The thinking is, as of this moment, Terrorism...
(HE COVERS THE PHONE)
...they're getting a Good Reaction on the "Albania"
thing...
BREAN SHRUGS, TO SAY, "OF COURSE."
MOSS
(ON THE PHONE)
Hello, King. How the heck are you...?
(PAUSE)
Get out...
(PAUSE)
Get out... Well, man, you fall in love like a
Hillbilly...
(HE COVERS THE PHONE, EXPLAINING TO
THOSE NEAR HIM)
Ditch the wife, toss the kids in the Pick-up,
(HE GESTURES, MEANING, YOU KNOW...)
(To THE FAD KING)
Listen, King: Get your fat redneck ass out here,
willya...
AMES
(TO BREAN, STILL HOLDING THE PHONE TO
HIS EAR)
...but the President wonders about the Possible
Albanian Backlash...
BREAN
(SHRUGS)
You can't have a war without an enemy.
MOSS
(ON PHONE)
No, King, I need you here yesterday...
(TO BREAN)
How long do I need him for?
BREAN
(CORRECTING HIMSELF)
Well, you could have one, but it'd be a very
ineffective war...
(TO MOSS)
We're done in 10 days...
MOSS
Ten Days.
(COVERS THE PHONE)
There going to be any Back End in this thing?
BREAN
W...what?
MOSS
...there gonna be any money in this thing?
BREAN
"Back End" ... count on it.
MOSS
(TO PHONE)
Lots n lotsa cash. Stay on for Gracie, she'll get you
a ticket
(HE HANGS UP)
AMES
(TO BREAN)
...where is the Back End coming from?
BREAN
It's like that thing with the Yellow Ribbon...
AMES
The thing with the Yellow Ribbon...
BREAN
The Hostages...?
AMES
The hostages, but that was a naturally-occuring...
(BREAN GIVES HIM A LOOK TO SAY, "OH,
GROW UP")
It was a put-up job?
(BREAN GIVES HIM THE LOOK AGAIN)
But where was the, where was the money in that?
BREAN
In the yellow ribbon.
AMES
...the Yellow Ribbon, but who, who'd profit from
that...
BREAN
(LONG SUFFERING)
The Ribbon Manufacturers.
MOSS
(INTO THE PHONE)
King, King, I got a thing here, a product placement,
gonna have a bigger back-end than Hattie McDaniel.
Now:
AMES, CELLPHONE TO HIS EAR, APPROACHES BREAN -- BREAN WAVES HIM OFF.
BREAN
I gotta protect the Canadian Horder,
BREAN PICKS UP ANOTHER PHONE, AND STARTS
BREAN
(INTO THE PHONE)
Here's what we want to do: The Park Police, the
Border Patrol, and the US Marshall's Service. The D.E.
the A.T.F, all of em, Stand by for instant
mobilization, 'long the Canadian Border.
(PAUSE)
And tell 'em there's nothing to be alarmed about.
INT MOSS'S DINING ROOM NIGHT.
MOSS, BREAN, AND THREE MORE PEOPLE, PADS AND NOTES TACKED ONTO THE WALL.
CAMERA PANS OVER THE TABLE. ONE NEWSPAPER, THE EDITORIAL CARTOON SHOWS
THE PRESIDENT. A GIRLSCOUT IS HANDING HIM A BOX OF COOKIES, AND HE IS SAYING,
"I KNOW I REALLY SHOULDN'T"... ON ANOTHER THE EDITORIAL CARTOON SHOWS THE
GREAT SEAL OF THE PRESIDENT, THE MOTTO, WRITTEN AROUND THE CIRCUMFERENCE
READS, "SIT ON MY LAP."
JAY LENO
(VO)
...went into a Convenience store...
ANGLE
THE GROUP, MOSS, BREAN AND THREE MORE, WATCHING THE TV
JAY LENO
...asked if they had any girlscout cookies. Five cops
jumped on me, took me off in chains...
MOSS SWITCHES THE STATION. WE SEE RICKY JAY, DOING A VANISH OF COINS.
APPLAUSE... CONAN O'BRIAN BECKONS RICKY OVER TO THE PANEL.
CONAN
Ricky Jay, Ladies and Gentleman, Ricky, I guess we'd
have to say that you're the most famous manipulator of
small oblects in the World.
RICKY JAY
No, I'd have to say, that'd be the President.
LAUGHTER ON THE TV.
MOSS SWITCHES THE CHANAEL AGAIN. WE SEE SENATOR NOLE.
SENATOR NOLE
(ON TV)
...taking refuge behind the fact of distance, taking
refuge behind the mention of Albania, of his stomach
flu, taking refuge, with the election those scant days
away, behind everything except avowal of his guilt.
Mr. President, if you have any shame, I ask you, the
public asks you, the electorate asks you to return,
to face these terrible charges, to...
THE SCREEN GOES TO THE GREAT SEAL OF THE PRESIDENT
ANNOUNCER
...from Airforce One. In China. The President of the
United States.
PRESIDENT
My fellow Americans. I apologize for the need for
secrecy. I assure you that had it not been
necessary to ensure the safety of our men and women
in the Combat Arms. The Republic of Albania, long
a staging ground for terrorists around the World, is
in the procesa of mounting ... actions directed against
the people of the United States. In consultation with
my advisors, I have elected to take the following
precautionary measures:
EXT POOLSIDE, MOSS'S HOME, L.A. NIGHT.
THE FAD KING, A SLOPPILY FAT FELLOW IN A DIRTY T-SHIRT, IS WALKING THE POOL,
HOLDING FORTH TO MOSS, AND JOHNNY GREEN, A NASHVILLE TYPE, AND LIZ BUTSKY, A
COSTUME DESIGNER, WHO IS SKETCHING ON A PAD.
FAD KING
It's a, it's a...
(LIZ STARTS TO TALK)
It can't be a ribbon...
LIZ
Why can't it be a ribbon?
FAD KING
It can't be a ribbon cause AIDS had a ribbon, cause
the Yellow Ribbon thing had a ribbon, cause...
MOSS
Look, look, look, look, Canada, okay...? Our neighbor
to the North, alla sudden, transformed, into That
Place, where, like the North Wind, Terror comes...
FAD KING
Keep Talking....
MOSS
What guards Us Against Canada...?
AMES
(PHONE TO HIS EAR)
...we've got a crash poll, says...
(HE LISTENS)
Sixty seven percent of the
(BEAMS)
American People, on hearing the President's Speech...
JOHNNIE GREEN WALKS AWAY, HUMMING TO HIMSELF, "I GUARD THE NORTHERN
BORDERS..."
FAD KING AND LIZ WAVE AMES OFF, MEANING, "WE HAVE ADULT WORK TO DO HERE."
LIZ
Uh...uh... Mounties. The Mounties Guard The Border.
uh... those Mountie Hats.
FAD KING
They look stupid.
LIZ
We had Davy Crockett hats... They made a fortune.
FAD KING
We had Davy Crockett hats, but you could crush'em ...
you could crush'em, see, when you felt stupid.
Crush'em, put em in your Pocket. You can't put a
Mountie hat in your...
MOSS WALKS THROUGH THE SHOT, WITH BREAN.
MOSS
(EXPANSIVELY)
Y'see, this is what Producing is: you put me in a
Room...
AMES
(LISTENING TO THE PHONE)
...and he's got a negative rating of...
(HE SMILES)
MOSS
(TO FAD KING, PROMPTING)
King, we've got to be on the streets in...
FAD KING
...what am I doing? Do you see me working...?
(TO LIZ)
Here's what you want to do, you want to come out of the
box, an item, someone 'ready has, but then you sell
it to'em. Torn jeans, uh ... faded Levi Jackets, uh...
uh...
MOSS
Where are we on the Image? Grace? Grace...
ANGLE
OVER A SLEEPING BREAN, STRETCHED OUT ON A POOLCHAIR, GRACE, THE SECRETARY,
COMES OUT ON TO THE POOL AREA, HOLDING THE SHOT OF A SMALL, FOREIGN LOOKING
CHILD, IN FRONT OF A PILE OF RUBBLE.
SHE SHOWS IT TO MOSS.
MOSS
...we own it?
GRACE
Public Domain.
MOSS
And what? What? She was Driven From Her Home, by
Albanian Terrorists. It is her we are mobilizing to
defend... it is "she"?
GRACE
We-are-mobilizing-to-defend-her.
MOSS
Can we give'er a kitten?
GRACE
No problem. Here's the...
SHE GOES BACK INTO THE HOUSE.
FAD KING
I gotta get something, I gotta get ...shoes? Ties?
Hats...?
(TAKES A SHEAF OF HEADSHOTS FROM
GRACE)
Good. Good.
(HE PASSES THEM AROUND, WE SEE THEY
ARE ALL GIRLS AROUND FOURTEEN WITH LONG
BLONDE HAIR.)
BREAN
...what is this?
MOSS
Headshots. Girls to play the girl in our footage.
(OF A PHOTO)
I like the sorrowful one. Anybody Else....?
(HE PASSES THE PHOTOS AROUND.)
FAD KING
...what is this?
BREAN
Young-Albanian-girl-driven-from-her-home.
FAD KING
I go with this here...
(HE WALKS OFF SHAKING HIS HEAD.)
MOSS
Too Texan. Go with the stick. Thanks.
(TO THE FAD KING.)
What...? ...does it have to be Albania...We're locked
into Albania...why?
JOHNNY GREEN
It's tough to rhyme.
MOSS
I believe in you....
JOHNNY GREEN
Albania, Albania, Albania, James bond Villains.
MOSS
John Belushi... Jim Belushi...
JOHNNY GREEN
Jim Belushi...?
MOSS
Surest thing you know.
FAD KING
Shoes, Hats....
LIZ
The special hats of the Special Anti-terrorist
detachment of the Border Patrol.
MOSS
(MULLING IT OVER)
The Special Anti-Terrorist Detachment of the Border
Patrol... what do they do...?
LIZ
(SHRUGS)
...they... you know...
JOHNNY GREEN
They guard our, you know ... "borders," night and
day...
MOSS
Yeah, good good good good good. And They're So
Secret...
LIZ
Oh huh...
MOSS
...they have the capacity to Meld into the Woods,
and...
ALL NOD
MOSS
(CONT.)
And one of them is in love with the sister of...
LIZ
I'm just talking about the Hats.
MOSS
The hats.
LIZ
A beret.
MOSS
Why a beret?
LIZ
Cause you can crush it and put it in your pocket.
MOSS
"...the special detachment..."
Good! What is it?
BREAN WAKES FOR A MOMENT, AT THE SHOUTING, LOOKS AT HIS WATCH.
BREAN
Three-o-three...
MOSS
The men and women of Detachment Three-O-Three, with
their...
FAD KING
Black...
LIZ
Leopard Skin...
MOSS
With their berets...
LIZ
...their Leopard Skin Berets....
FAD KING
Well, that ain't very butch, is it?
LIZ
It's a beret...
CAMERA TAKES MOSS TO THE TV WHERE BREAN IS WATCHING A "CHANGE HORSES IN
MIDSTREAM" AD, SHOWING TWO RETIRED LADIES, SITTING OUT ON A PORCH IN THE
SOUTH, ON A ROCKER.
LIZ
(CONT.)
...you said you wanted something they could stuff in
their pocket...
FAD KING
...I meant the Leopard Skin...
LIZ
British Regiments drape their drums in Leopard Skins.
FAD KING
Thank God this is America.
MOSS
(DISTRACTED)
How about half-black, half leopard skin...
TV OLD LADY
...why change Horses in Mid Stresm, that's what I ...
MOSS
(SHAKING HEAD SADLY)
Why are they sticking with this age old horseshit?
BREAN
(SHRUGS)
"If One Twinkie is Funny, Two Twinkies are Funnier..."
AMES WALKS IN WITH HIS ARMS FULL OF FAXES. HE READS FROM THEM.
AS HE PERUSES THEM WE SEE THE FAD KING, HE GOES, DREAMILY, TO A PHONE, AND
DIALS.
FAD KING
(INTO PHONE)
Bunny: I had an idea: a Slinky, that falls Up...
(PAUSE)
Naa, we can figure that out. What I'm wondering: what
do we call it...
(PAUSE)
You got my number...
(HE HANGS UP.)
MOSS
(TO AMES)
Why are they ...
AMES
(OF FAXES)
NY Times, Washington Post, War, War, War. Times got
the girlscout page twelve, Post in Section Two....
Horses in Mid-Stream...?
MOSS
I don't think you're gonna need it.
AMES
Well, we paid for it, we got the guys on a retainer.
MOSS
They got the guys on a retainer, it's cheaper, pay'em,
but don't lettem touch it... Let'em leave us alone.
AMES
What can it hurt.
MOSS
What can it hurt is they offend me.
IN THE B.G. WE SEE BREAN, WALKING AROUND WITH A CELLPHONE.
LIZ
I need a ruling on the Hats. I say a Leopard-skin,
and...
MOSS
Hey, you're getting the big bucks....
(TO BREAN)
I think we're up-and-running...
JOHNNY GREEN COMES OVER, "JUST LISTEN TO THIS."
JOHNNY GREEN
(SINGS)
Canada your Peaceful slumbers
Guard our Border To The North...
The Rightful Order
Of Our Border...
HE SHAKES HIS READ, AND RETIRES. GRACE COMES OUT WITH A TRAY OF COFFEE, FROM
WHICH THEY TAKE A CUP.
FAD KING
Kid comes to School. Teacher: You're late for
Geography Class. Kid: I din' get my breakfast.
Teacher: siddown, where's the Canadian Border. Kid:
In bed wit My Mom. That's why I missed my breakfast...
GRACE REACHES IN HER BACK POCKET, HANDS MOSS SEVERAL SHEETS
GRACE
We got the Albanian Girl, with a cat, with a kitten,
with a dog...
MOSS
I didn't ask for a dog.
GRACE
(SHRUGS)
...the pet wrangler suggested it..he's also got a...
AMES
I think I should check with the President -- to see
what kind of animal he...
GRACE
The Pet wrangler has also got a...
MOSS
Do it later...
(OF THE PHOTO)
Okay, now, "The Little Girl," who is she, what is she
doing? She is....she's ...Okay, okay, it's an Albanian
village... She is the victim of, she has been
relocated, to, to, for the terrorists, the Government
Labs...the, the... a staging area for their Atomic
workshop.
(PAUSE)
They're torturing her family, because they have
connections in Canada, which would permit the
terrorists access to the American Border.
GRACE
Better.
MOSS
You like it?
GRACE
Yes.
MOSS
Fine. Good.
GRACE EXITS.
BREAN
(HANGS UP THE CELL PHONE)
Would somebody wake me in five minutes?
FAD KING
Does it have to be Albania? Because, lookit:
(HE HOLDS UP A SKETCH OF A BOOT)
I can get my hands on a lot of walking-around-cash, I
think, if it's Italy...Look at the tie-in here: The
Boot, "Givvem the Boot,"... If we were to go Wide
with a shoe as the fad. A "Shoe-fad"... Here's what
it offers us...
BREAN
We're locked into Albania.
FAD KING
Well, let's not be too sure, why is that?
BREAN
(CHECKS HIS WATCH.)
The President is going to declare War against Albania
in a half an hour.
BREAN ROUSES HIMSELF, WALKS TO THE POOL, AND BEGINS TO WASH HIS FACE IN IT.
EXT STUDIO PARKING LOT L.A. DAWN.
MERCEDES CONVERTIBLE PULLS UP, MOSS DRIVING. HE AND BREAN GET OUT.
INT STUDIO, DAWN.
A TELEVISION, SHOWING THE PRESIDENT, SPEAKING.
PRESIDENT
That a state of war has existed, between the United
States, and...
BREAN AND MOSS BREEZE PAST THE SET, INTO A MOVIE MAKING SCENE. TWENTY PEOPLE
CLUSTERED AROUND A YOUNG GIRL IN TRADITIONAL ALBANIAN DRESS WHOSE HEADSHOT
WE SAW EARLIER, BEING FUSSED-UP AND TWEAKED BY HAIR AND MAKE-UP.
MOSS
Good morning, My name's Stanley Moss, I'll be your
director this morning, what I'd like you to do, Miss,
what is your name...
ALBANIAN TYPE
Trudy Larouche.
MOSS
..."Trudy," is, to start at that wall...
(HE GESTURES AT THE SWEEP)
and, on my signal, "action" to run toward me,
screaming ...they taking care of you...? Good. You
wanna cuppa tea? Okay. Can we just try one, just for
the...
TRUDY
I understand this is going to be National? Is that the
case? Because my agent didn't get a chance to...
THEY ARE WALKED OVER TO AN AREA IN WHICH WE FIND THE PET WRANGLER, SURROUNDED
BY SEVERAL ANIMAL CASES WITH DOGS IN THEM.
MOSS, AS HE SPEAKS, IS SURVEYING THE DOGS.
MOSS
Well, it's a little bit of a...
A.D.
...we're going for a direct buy-out.
MOSS
...you have your agent check with the...
TRUDY
No, I know it's going to be fine. I'm so excited, and
I'm looking forward to putting it on my resume. When
you called last...
BREAN TAKES TRUDY ASIDE.
BREAN
Eh, Trudy, could I talk to you for a moment...? You
know, this project is a... "Funny" kind of...
HE WALKS HER ASIDE. MOSS SELECTS A DOG, AND AMES COMES OVER TO HIM, HOLDING
A CELLPHONE.
AMES
(DESCRIBING THE SCENE, INTO THE PHONE)
A schnauzer. What appears to be a...
PET WRANGLER
Lhasa Apso.
AMES
(INTO PHONE)
Lhasa Apso, and a...
HE LOOKS AT THE THIRD DOG.
PET WRANGLER
What you have here is a cross-breed, between a dog
which was substantially a...
AMES GESTURES HIM FOR SILENCE, AS HE LISTENS TO THE PHONE.
AMES
(INTO THE PHONE)
Abso... absolutely, sir... Absolutely.
(TO MOSS)
He wants a kitten.
(PAUSE)
MOSS
(TAKING CHARGE)
Okay. Here's what we're gonna do.
HE GESTURES TO HIS ASSISTANT, WHO COMES OVER FOR A CONFERENCE.
MOSS
(CONT.)
I need a little bit of help...?
ANGLE ON BREAN WALKING TRUDY. HE GESTURES TO AMES.
AMES
Miss, we are going to ask you to sign this little sheet
of paper...
TRUDY
Well, my agent would be ril ril miffed with me, if I
signed anything, uh, to...
AMES
This does not have to do with your Deal. This is for
your Security Clearance.
(PAUSE)
HE TAKES OUT A SHEET OF PAPER FROM HIS POCKET.
THEIR WALK HAS BROUGHT THEM AND THE CAMERA BACK TO MOSS AND THE ASSISTANT, AND
THE DIRECTOR.
DIRECTOR
(TO MOSS)
...fix it in the mix.
ASSISTANT
We're going to do it digitally...
MOSS
...can we shoot one?
DIRECTOR
Alright, now we're gonna...
THE PET WRANGLER HANDS A DOG TO TRUDY. THE ASSISTANT WAVES HIM OFF, AND
LOOKS AROUND, AND HANDS HER A BAG OF POTATO CHIPS.
ASSISTANT
...run with this...
TRUDY
...these'r potato chips...
DIRECTOR
Just, uh, just hold the bag when you run.
MOSS
(TO BREAN)
We need it for the Arm Position, on the screen it'll be
a kitten.
TRUDY
Someone's bringing in a kitten...?
MOSS
No, no, no.... we'll punch in a kitten. Um... Later.
TRUDY
...you're gonna Punch in a Kitten Later.
MOSS
Yes.
(PAUSE)
TRUDY
Why...?
A.D.
Okay, settle, people. Settle... we're gonna try
one...
MOSS
It gives us a wider option.
TRUDY
A wider option of what?
MOSS
(DISTRACTED)
...of kittens...
TWO HAIR AND MAKE-UP WOMEN JUMP IN, AND START TWEAKING TRUDY, AS MOSS'S
ATTENTION IS DIVERTED ELSEWHERE.
TRUDY ADDRESSES HERSELF TO BREAN.
TRUDY
...but, you know, all kidding aside. When this goes
National.... I get to put it on my resume.
BREAN
(WHO IS DIALING A PHONE)
Actually, no.
TRUDY
Because, like, what is it, a Guild thing? I mean,
what, what, what could they do to me...
BREAN
...someone would come to your house and kill you.
(TO PHONE)
Hello... we're about to start shooting...
A.D.
(TO HAIR AND MAKE-UP)
Hey, hey, hey, she's ... will you? She's just been
raped by Terrorists, jump out, will you...
THE A.D. SHOOS HAIR AND MAKE-UP AWAY.
CAMERA GOES WITH BREAN, PAST AMES, WHO IS ADDRESSING HIMSELF TO THE A.D.
AMES
And...she's not an Illegal Immigrant? Is she? Can I
see her "chart?" Because...
MOSS
Gonna be fine. Gonna be fine, people? Are we getting
there...?
BREAN WANDERS BACK TO THE CONTROL BOOTH WHERE WE SEE THE SCENE ON SEVERAL
MONITORS AND THE YOUNG GIRL, STANDING AGAINST THE BARE SWEEP ON THE BACK WALL.
WE HEAR "ACTION" AND THE YOUNG GIRL RUNS FORWARD. WE HEAR THE TECHNICIANS
MUTTERING, AND THEY PUNCH UP A PLAYBACK, AND WE SEE THE SAME RUN-FORWARD,
REPLAYED AGAINST AN "ALBANIAN VILLAGE" SCENE.
TECHNICIAN
...gimme some flames...
AS HE SPEAKS, FLAMES ARE ADDED TO THE SCENE...
TECHNICIAN
...some sound of Screaming...?
(SCREAMING IS ADDED)
...whoo-aahh sirens? Anne Frank?...
THE SIRENS ARE ADDED.
MOSS COMES INTO THE CONTROL BOOTH, AND TALKS TO THE ACTOR.
ANGLE
ON AMES AND BREAN, IN THE CONTROL ROOM.
AMES
...can we see the Kitten...?
THE PHONE RINGS, AMES PICKS UP HIS CELLPHONE.
AMES
(CONT.)
Hello... Yes. We'll be back...?
BREAN
We'll be back tonight.
AMES
(TO PHONE)
Tonight.
(HE HANGS UP)
Well, you've started a Tempest in a Teapot.
BREAN
Waal, that's where you want em...
AMES
...I just hope...
MOSS
(TO TRUDY)
Do it again, love, will you...? We'll tell you before
we're going to shoot...
WE SEE ON THE MONITOR THE YOUNG GIRL RUNNING WITH THE BAG OF POTATO CHIPS,
VARIOUS BURNING BUILDINGS IN THE B.G.
MOSS
...could she be running across a bridge? She's running
across a Burning Bridge.
ONE OF THE TECHNICIANS' FACES LIGHTS UP.
TECHNICIAN
(TO HIMSELF)
....beautiful.
WE PLAYBACK THE LAST RUNTHROUGH, AND THE GIRL IS NOW RUNNING ACROSS A BRIDGE.
MOSS
(LEANS IN TO TALK WITH THE TECH PEOPLE)
Of course, we're gonna need some water, uh...
TECHNICIAN
Is it a stream, or is it a...
MOSS
No, I think..
TECHNICIAN
a "pond," or
MOSS
No, I think it's ... can we see the calico kitten...?
AS HE SPEAKS THE BAG OF CHIPS IS TRANSFORMED INTO A CALICO KITTEN.
AMES
(ON HIS PHONE)
A small, "calico" kitten, sir.
(PAUSE)
"Calico."
(PAUSE)
AMES
(TO MOSS)
...can we have a white one...?
MOSS
(TO DIRECTOR)
Can we have a white one, please...
AS THEY SPEAK THE BROWN KITTEN IS TRANSFORMED INTO A WHITE ONE.
MOSS
(CONT)
You know, if we're gonna run with the kitten, maybe it
turns out, the Kitten has a Name, and...
DIRECTOR
We ready out there...?
BREAN LOOKS DOWN AT HIS WATCH, AND TAPS AMES ON THE SHOULDER, AS HE EASES HIS
WAY PAST THE CONTROL CONSOLE.
AMES
(ENGROSSED)
...one moment...
INT L.A.X. DAY.
A POSTER FILLS THE SCREEN. IT IS A NORMAL ROCKWELL SORT OF THING SHOWING
HAPPY AND PROUD AMERICANS OUTSIDE OF A VOTING BOOTH. AND IT READS: "DON'T
FORGET TO VOTE. NOVEMBER 2ND. IT'S YOUR DUTY -- IT'S YOUR RIGHT."
PRESIDENT'S VOICE
(VO)
...a state of War.
(PAUSE)
That a State of War...
PAN OFF THE POSTER TO SHOW THE GATE AREA, MANY PEOPLE WAITING, WATCHING A
TELEVISION SET, ON WHICH WE SEE THE PRESIDENT.
PRESIDENT
(CONT.)
...exists...
A TELEVISION SET, THE PRESIDENT ON THE TELEVISION.
PRESIDENT
...between the United States and Republic of Albania,
and that the Congress Authorize any and all measures
consonant with a swift and painless, and victorious
conclusion of that War.
ANGLE
BUSINESS PEOPLE QUEUING UP, AT THE TV, BEYOND THEM, THE DEPARTURE GATE,
SHOWING A SIGN, AMERICAN AIRLINES FLIGHT _____ TO WASHINGTON D.C.
IN THE FOREGROUND, BREAN, ON A CELLPHONE, PAYS NO ATTENTION TO THE SCREEN, AS
HE STANDS IN LINE.
BREAN
(ON THE PHONE)
Go with a two-tone hat, I don't care, you work it out.
You, well, I'm sure you've had similar problems in the
past. Good. Good. Keep me ppp... Fine, I'll call you
from the plane.
THE TICKET TAKER, TAKING HIS TICKET, IS SHAKING HIS HEAD AT THE TELEVISION, ON
WHICH WE SEE AN ANNOUNCER/COMMENTATOR, DOING, "YOU HAVE JUST HEARD," ET.
CETERA.
TICKET TAKER
Hell of a thing. Hell of a thing.
BREAN
Innit?
TICKET TAKER
Albanian Terrorists on the Canadian Border.
BREAN
(ABOUT TO GET ONTO THE PLANE)
...makes you think.
IN THE B.G, WE SEE THE TELEVISION HAS GONE TO A COMMERCIAL, TWO BUSINESSMEN
TYPES, EACH PARKING HIS STATION WAGON IN HIS DRIVEWAY.
TYPE ONE
Ed, what do you think?
TYPE TWO
Bob, my mind wasn't one hundred percent made up, but
now it is: I say: don't go changing Horses in
Midstream...
BREAN, HEARING THIS, WALKS BACK TO THE NOW DESERTED TELEVISION.
ANGLE
FROM THE JETWAY THE DOOR ABOUT TO CLOSE, BREAN IN THE B.G. WATCHING THE
INFOMERCIAL. THE TICKET TAKER CALLS TO HIM, "...SIR...?" BREAN TURNS AND
RUSHES TO THE CLOSING DOOR. ON THE TV, IN THE BG, WE SEE THE LOGO: "RE-ELECT
THE PRESIDENT. THIS MESSAGE PAID FOR BY..." ET CETERA.
BREAN
(INTO THE PHONE)
It's workmanlike, what can I tell you.... no, it ain't
going to help, but it won't hurt, cool down, see you in
Nashville.
HE FOLDS UP HIS PHONE AND WALKS ONTO THE PLANE, IN THE B.G. WE SEE SENATOR
NOLE, SPEAKING ON THE TELEVISION, THE REMAINING VIEWERS ARE DRIFTING AWAY.
SENATOR NOLE
The issue of War, is, finally, an issue of Moral Fibre,
Moral Fibre. In my Platoon, in World War Two
BREAN
(ON THE PHONE)
You have the number in D.C.? Good. What time
tonight... What...?
(BREAN TURNS TO THE TELEVISION)
BREAN COMES OVER TO AMES WHO IS ON THE PHONE, AND TALKING WITH LIZ BUTSKY, WHO
IS SHOWING HIM SOME SKETCHES.
LIZ
...wanted to go with Roman Numerals... but there isn't
a Roman Numeral for Zero, so, you can't really do THREE
OH THREE, in Roman...
BREAN
(TURNING TO AMES, OF NOLE)
Why is this putz on the air...
AMES
... they're checking the ratings...uh...
LIZ
...and I wanted to ask you if you thought it made sense
that the uniforms of the Freedom fighters were
starched.
(PAUSE)
I know that, traditionally,
(SHE FLIPS A CARD AND WE SEE THE
STARCHED UNIFORMED FREEDOM FIGHTER
DRAWN BY HER)
...they're torn, and so forth: days-in-the-mountains,
so on, but I thought...
BREAN
(INTO THE PHONE)
Why am I seeing this guy on the News...?
(PAUSE)
What am I missing...? What are we forgetting?
AMES
Well, at least we're not seeing the Girlscouts...
HE TURNS AROUND
ANGLE, HIS POV.
A YOUNG DISHEVELLED COLLEGE STUDENT TYPE. HE WEARS A BUTTON ON HIS JACKET.
ANGLE INS
THE BUTTON READS, "FUCK ALBANIA"
ANGLE
AMES AND BREAN.
AMES
(OF THE BUTTON)
...is that "us"...?
BREAN AND LIZ BUTSKY SHAKE THEIR HEADS.
AMES JUMPS UP IN THE AIR AND YELLS "YAY."
SENATOR NOLE
Especially in a time of war. Now:
We said that Moral fibre, not guns, not supplies, not
strategy, Moral...
COMMENTATOR
(INTERRUPTING)
...Senator...?
SENATOR NOLE
And this man, our President, in what I hope will be his
last days in that office, has proved himself empty and
devoid of...
A SMALL CHILD COMES OVER TO THE TELEVISION AND CHANGES THE CHANNEL.
INT DULLES AIRPORT ARRIVALS AREA, DUSK.
BREAN AND AMES COMING OFF OF THE PLANE, BREAN STOPS AT THE FREE PERIODICALS
DISPLAY. SAMPLE HEADLINES READ:
DEFENSE OF THE REALM: TERRORISM ALONG THE BORDER: THE PRESIDENT: ALL SPUNK:
CALL TO THE COLORS: DEFEND THE NORTH, ETC.
HE PICKS UP SEVERAL, AND CAMERA FOLLOWS HIM DOWN A HALL, PAST A HUGE POSTER
SHOWING OPPRESSED COMMUNIST HORDES, AND THE MOTTO "THEY DIDN'T HAVE THE
CHOICE, YOU DO. VOTE! IT'S YOUR RIGHT!"
ANGLE
TIGHT ON BREAN AND AMES, AND A FELLOW PASSENGER, AS ALL SCAN THEIR NEWSPAPERS.
THE PASSENGER IS WAITING IN LINE TO USE A PAY PHONE.
BREAN
(AS HE NUDGES AMES)
Can't find anything in here about the President and
that girlscout.
PASSENGER
...what are you talking about... What does that mean
now, are you nuts...?
THE PASSENGER MOVES UP IN TURN TO TAKE THE PHONE, HE DIALS.
PASSENGER
(INTO PHONE)
Hello, Honey.... NO. I'm safe. In about an hour.
Have you got Grandma and the kids in...? Well, where
am I talking to you? Well, who has the Shotgun? Go
Down in the Basement. Well, get the long cord, and...
isn't there a jack down there... Well, move, the
canned goods, and...
THE LINE BREAN AND AMES ARE IN MOVES FORWARD, PAST THE MAN ON THE TELEPHONE.
TIGHT ON AMES AND BREAN, AS THEY MOVE FORWARD, THEY SPEAK UNDER THEIR BREATH.
AMES
(SHAKING HIS HEAD)
...hell of a price for the country to pay.
BREAN
...take a long view.
AMES
...what's the Long View?
BREAN
Your guy gets four more years in Washington... ...it's
only Nine More Days.
AMES
Yes. That's true. But...
BREAN
(SMILES)
Wilfred. We've got work to do...
THE LINE THEY ARE IN STOPS. BREAN LOOKS UP.
ANGLE, HIS P.O.V.
A LINE OF SERVICEMEN, ARMED WITH SUBMACHINE GUNS, STANDS BARRING THE ARRIVING
PASSENGERS AN EXIT. THE PASSENGERS ARE HERDED INTO LINES, TO GO THROUGH
MAKESHIFT BARRICADES, AND METAL DETECTORS.
ANGLE
BREAN, AND ANOTHER PASSENGER.
BREAN
...what the hell's this all about, d'you think?
PASSENGER
...small price to pay, pal...
HE APES THE PRESIDENT, WHO'S SAID THAT EARLIER.
BREAN LOOKS UP, AS AMES, ACCOMPANIED BY AN ARMY MAJOR, PASSES THROUGH
LINE AND APPROACHES BREAN, BECKONING.
INT SUBURBAN MALL NIGHT.
BREAN, AND AMES, AND TWO SECRET SERVICE TYPES, WALKING THROUGH THE MALL.
BREAN GLANCES AT A FOODSTORE, WHERE WE SEE A LONG LINE OF PEOPLE WAITING TO BE
ADMITTED, AND A VAST LINE INSIDE, AT THE CHECK OUT COUNTER, THEIR CARTS PILED
HIGH, THE SHELVES BEHIND THEM DENUDED.
THEY PASS BY A SHOESTORE, CLOSED, A PLYWOOD SCREEN IN FRONT, COVERED BY A
SIGN: SOON TO REOPEN UNDER NEW MANAGEMENT. BREAN FOLLOWS AMES, INTO THE
STORE.
INT SHOESTORE NIGHT. MANY YOUNG STAFFERS. A VAST SIGN READS: DAYS TIL
ELECTION 8. % IN FAVOR?
THE STAFFERS STAND IMMOBILE, AS BREAN, AMES, AND THE SECRET SERVICE TYPES
ENTER. ON A TELEVISION, UNWATCHED BEHIND THEM. A FOREST SCENE, A SQUAD OF
SERVICEMEN IN WOODLAND CAMO, LOOKING DOWN AT A RIVER, THEIR LEADER SPEAKING
SOFTLY INTO A MICROPHONE.
LEADER
...scared. Sure we're scared. But th'fella said the
trick is not minding that it hurts. N'Ill tell you one
thing: They might get into the U.S.A., but they'll
have to get in over Mrs. Kelly's son...
(HE TAPS HIMSELF ON THE CEEST)
THE SCREEN GOES TO A SCENE OF SUPERMARKET LOOTING IN AN INNER CITY. A STAND-
UP COMMENTATOR SPEAKS.
COMMENTATOR
...dead and fifteen wounded in these first hours of the
War. They are not, they are not The Enemy, they are
people, like You and Me, a different kind of Victim of
Albanian Aggression, but Victims Nonetheless...
ANGLE
BREAN, GIVEN THE TOUR BY AMES.
AMES
Telexes to the major...
HE IS SHUSSHED BY A YOUNG AIDE, STANDING, HIS EAR TO A PHONE. ON THE TV WE
SEE THE DECK OF AN AIRCRAFT CARRIER, AND A REPORTER SPEAKING, AS PLANES TAKE
OFF.
REPORTER
Missions into Albanian Airspace. Missions to Kill or
Die. American Men, and, yes, and women, in the prime
of their lives, but never closer to death, while...
ANGLE, ON BREAN, AS HE TURNS TO LOOK AT ANOTHER SCREEN. ON THAT TV SCREEN WE
SEE A SOB-SISTER TYPE
SOB SISTER REPORTER TYPE
...fighting, yes, but fighting for what?
THE SCREEN IS FILLED WITH THE PHOTO OF THE YOUNG ALBANIAN WOMAN, WHO IS NOW
HOLDING TWO CATS.
SOB SISTER REPORTER TYPE
For this. For this. For Freedom, for safety -- yes,
theirs and ours.
BREAN HEARS A WHOOSH, AND TURNS TO LOOK BACK AT THE SCREEN OF THE JETS TAKING
OFF.
TV SCREEN, WITH JETS.
ANNOUNCER
(VO)
The sound of Freedom? Yes, Perhaps the sound of
Death... but....
BREAN LOOKING AT THE SCREEN, BEHIND HIM HE HEARS A VAST CHEER, HE TURNS.
THE AIDE WITH THE PHONE TO HIS EAR HAS PICKED UP A PIECE OF CHALK, AND IS
WRITING, ON THE % IN FAVOR SLATE THE FIGURE 71%.
THE AIDES ARE CHEERING, AND SLAPPING EACH OTHER ON THE BACK.
INT, IMPROVISED OFFICE, IN THE SHOE STOCKROOM. NIGHT.
A STOCKROOM LINED WTTH SHOEBOXES, IN IT A DESK, TWO CHAIRS, A TELEVISION.
AMES ENTERS, OPENS THE DESK AND TAKES OUT A BOTTLE. HE HANDS IT TO BREAN,
WHO ENTERS AFTER HIM. ON THE WALL IS ANOTHER SET OF SIGNS, READING DAYS TILL
ELECTION 8, AND % IN FAVOR WHICH AMES NOW FILLS IN 71. AMES PICKS UP A SHEAF
OF PAPERS FROM THE DESK.
AMES
New York Times, Wash Post, Detroit Register, San Diego
BEE, all in emission. No mention of the Girlscout.
None.
BREAN
Eight Days To Go
(HE GESTURES AT THE CALENDER)
AMES
I live for midnight, when I can tear another of those
suckers off. Watcha got for me?
BREAN
Big Bird touches down when?
AMES
We're bring'n im in tomorrow, five AM.
BREAN
Anything at the Airport?
AMES
Press thought "no," whaddaya think...?
BREAN
(NODS)
I think, here's what I think: S'it gonna rain...?
(HE CHECKS A NOTEBOOK)
AMES
(YELLING)
Gimme the weather for tomorrow morning, five A.M.
Andrews...
BREAN
(CHECKING HIS NOTEBOOK)
An Albanian, a young Albanian Girl.
AN AIDE APPEARS WITH A TEARSHEET. AMES READS IT.
AMES
No rain.
BREAN
(SHRUGS, NONETHELESS)
A young Albanian Girl, dressed in their...
HE GESTURES, MEANING, "WHATEVER THEY WEAR, YOU FIGURE IT OUT..." AMES NODS TO
THE AIDE, WHO BEGINS SCRIBBLING IN A PAD.
BREAN
And carrying.
(HE GESTURES, MEANING, LOOK IT UP)
The National Flower of Albania, something..... Now Is
it some Festival? Some Harvest Festival, something...
AMES
(TO THE AIDE)
Get on this, right now...
BREAN
...got to be something. She gives him the sacred...
(HE GESTURES, WHAT-HAVE-YOU)
And tells him: this is the Traditional Harvest
Offering, given to the Man who Ties the First Sheaf,
the last sheaf, whatever the fuck it is...
AMES
...this's good...
BREAN
Stanley Moss, Ladeesngennlmen... And she says...
AMES
Is she saying this in Albanian...?
BREAN
(OF NOTES)
Yes: she is saying this in Albanian, but she's doing
it not to be uh...
(AMES GESTURES, MEANING, "I GET IT")
But because, she explains, that is the only way it can
be understood by her Aged and Sainted Mother, who is
standing there with her, dressed in her Traditional...
AMES GESTURES TO THE AIDE, MEANING, "GET TO IT," THE AIDE NODS HER
UNDERSTANDING, AND DISAPPEARS.
BREAN
(TO DISAPPEARING AIDE)
C'n I get something to eat...? Now the Old Broad
starts to speak: you are bringing peace. Not only to
This Land...
AMES
Our adopted land...
BREAN
...but to the Old World; you are stilling the forces of
hatred and of War which have, since I was a child...
AMES
...uh huh...
BREAN
Now, the Old Lady starts to Weep, Big Bird shrugs off
his secret Service, goes to her, and covers her with
his own coat.
AMES
(CALLING OUT)
Find out is there any chance we can get some rain
tomorrow, will you...?
BREAN
(OF PAD)
So forth...
AMES STOPS TO LOOK AT ANOTHER COMMERCIAL ON TV. THEY TURN TO SEE TWO "YOUNG
MOTHER" TYPES, SHOPPING...
YOUNG MOTHER ONE
...to vote for.
YOUNG MOTHER TWO
Well, I think it's like when we thought of Changing
Tommy's Pediatrician. Bill said, "Not While he's sick
-- cause you Don't Change Horses in the mid..."
BREAN TURNS OFF THE VOLUME, AND CONTINUES.
BREAN
How is Big Bird holding up, by the way?
AMES
Catching up on his reading. Asked about you, sends his
thanks.
BREAN
Knock on wood.
AMES
Speaking of thanks... we puttem back in, what does
your fellow Moss want?
BREAN
I dunno.... Ambassador to Togo, somethin', I dunno...
he...
AMES
Maybe he's just a patriot.
BREAN
Yeah...what was I talking about...?
AN AIDE APPEARS WITH A SANDWICH, AND BREAN STARTS TO EAT.
AMES
How long you been up, you need a nap.
BREAN
(SHAKING HIS HEAD)
Due in Nashville.
AMES
Nashville...?
BREAN
We're gonna do the Team Song.
AMES
You're tired, Ronnie.
BREAN
Y'wanna follow the Cattle Drive? Sleep in the Winter.
What does Moss want...? Matchmaker comes to the
Levinsky Family. Mr. Levinsky, Mrs. Levinsky, would
you entertain an offer of marriage for your son Saul,
from Princess Margaret of Great Britain. Well, they
think, she isn't Jewish, but she's well to-do, a nice
old family. Alright, yes, they say. We would
consider such an offer. Wonderful, matchmaker says,
My Job is Half Done.
(HE YAWNS)
Now, Look: I got the file, from the L.A. contingent, I
got the day-by-day, of how...
HE LOOKS AT AMES, WHO IS LOOKING INTENTLY AT THE TV.
ANNOUNCER
(AS AMES TURNS UP THE SOUND)
...denial from the Albanian Government continues, but
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