M*A*S*H

 

 

 

Screenplay by       Ring Lardner Jr.

 

Produced by       Ingo Preminger

 

Directed by       Robert Altman

 

 

 

Cast List:

 

Donald Sutherland    Hawkeye Pierce

Elliott Gould      Trapper John McIntyre

Tom Skerritt      Duke Forrest

Sally Kellerman      Major Hot Lips Houlihan

Robert Duvall     Major Frank Burns

Jo Ann Pflug      Lieutenant Hot Dish

René Auberjonois   Dago Red

Roger Bowen      Colonell Henry Blake

 

 

 

 

FADE IN:

 

 

EXT. LANDING AREA OUTSIDE 4077TH MASH – DAY

 

Our attention is concentrated on a sign reading: "THIS IS WHERE IT IS – PARALLEL 38." Below these words, arrows point to "NORTH KOREA" in one direction, "SOUTH KOREA" in opposite one. Two Air Rescue helicopters are coming in low from the north, descending to a point just outside the entrance to the hospital Admitting Ward. Transferring our attention to the helicopters, our gaze goes from the first sign to a second one, on which all we can read at first are the very large letters: "M-A-S-H." Moving closer to the helicopters as they hit the ground, we can make out the rest of the sign. Above the four large letters it says: "4077TH," and then we see there is the remainder of a word following each of the large letters, but in much smaller print, so that "M-A-S-H" becomes "Mobile Army Surgical Hospital." The helicopters land and enlisted men of the U.S. Army Medical Corps Carry two wounded soldiers from each into the Admitting Ward.

 

LIEUTENANT COLONEL HENRY BLAKE, a permanent member of the Medical Corps and Commanding Officer of the 4077th, watches grimly as the wounded are borne from the helicopters into his hospital. CORPORAL "RADAR" O'REILLY, with a long thin neck, large ears and a knack for anticipating his Colonel's wishes, moves up close behind him.

 

HENRY

(loudly)

O'Reilly!

 

RADAR

(at his side)

Yes, sir?

 

HENRY

Dammit, Radar, wait till I call you! Tell Major Burns...

 

RADAR

One of the surgeons from the day shift will have to stay on duty tonight?

 

HENRY

Yes, dammit, and...

 

He interrupts himself, frightened by the intense expression on Radar's face. The Corporal's head is turning back and forth like an actual radar receiver, monitoring the northern horizon where the valley of a river meanders between mountainous ridges.

 

HENRY

O'Reilly, what is it?

(appalled at the thought)

There aren't more choppers coming?

 

RADAR

I'm afraid so, Colonel.

 

HENRY

We've got too many wounded for us to handle now! Get on the phone right away and...

 

RADAR

Yes, sir, I'll see if I can reach General Hammond in Seoul for you. You think he'll finally break down and give us two more surgeons?

 

The DISTANT SOUND of more HELICOPTERS becomes faintly audible to the normal human ear, and a moment later one appears over a ridge.

 

TIME LAPSE:

 

 

EXT. MOTOR POOL AND RAILROAD DEPOT – 325TH EVACUATION HOSPITAL – YONG-DONG-PA – DAY

 

Two officers come from opposite directions toward a Jeep, each carrying a Valpac and trailing a barracks bag. Though they still wear such later-to-be-discarded refinements as captain's bars on their caps and overcoats, they are far from West Point standards in dress and manner. DUKE, 29, is still solidly built like the fullback he once was. HAWKEYE, 28, a former end, is taller and rangier, wears glasses. Their accents, Georgia and Maine respectively, are in sharp contrast. A MOTOR POOL SARGEANT who has driven the Jeep up climbs out.

 

MOTOR POOL DRIVER

You the guys going to the 4077th?

 

DUKE

I'm one of 'em.

 

HAWKEYE

(state of Maine affirmative)

Ayuh. I'm the other then.

 

As they stow their gear in the back of the Jeep.

 

MOTOR POOL SARGEANT

Lots of luck.

 

He leaves.

 

HAWKEYE

My name's Hawkeye Pierce.

 

DUKE

Duke Forrest.

 

Hawkeye takes the driver's seat. Duke, getting into the right-hand side, has no objection, just a question.

 

DUKE

You got directions?

 

HAWKEYE

Ayuh, only it's early, I need a drink to wake me up.

 

DUKE

I got some.

 

He turns around and opens his barracks bag, where he finds a pint bottle conveniently located near the top.

 

HAWKEYE

Make it yourself, or is it real?

 

DUKE

Georgia, where I come from, it's real if you make it yourself. But I been buying from the Yankee Government since they put me in this soldier suit and give me a rate.

 

HAWKEYE

Tax-free booze. It's about all you can say for army life.

 

DUKE

(passing bottle)

Where you from with that crazy way of talking?

 

HAWKEYE

Crabapple Cove. Maine.

 

DUKE

Damn! That must be about as far north as you can get.

 

HAWKEYE

Pretty near. What do you know about the outfit we're going to?

 

DUKE

C.O. is Colonel Blake. Lieutenant Colonel Henry Braymore Blake. One of them regular army clowns. Push you around so it's hard to get any decent work done.

 

HAWKEYE

We got to head them off, right at the start. Push them around first.

 

They have exchanged the bottle a couple of times. In the act of raising it to his mouth, Hawkeye looks toward the hospital doorway.

 

HAWKEYE

I think we already caught their eye.

 

Two MPs have emerged from the hospital administration offices and are heading toward them. Hawkeye goes into action quickly, starting the Jeep engine.

 

DUKE

What's the initials 'MP' stand for, Hawkeye?

 

HAWKEYE

Shore Patrol, Duke. Let's go!

 

The Jeep starts off at its maximum takeoff speed and accelerates dangerously as it careens out of the hospital grounds.

 

TIME LAPSE:

 

 

EXT. ROAD NEAR OUIJONGBU – DAY

 

Hawkeye and Duke are driving the Jeep along the muddy road – they come upon a sign which fills a large part of the screen: "Last chance before Peking". A short distance behind the sign, it is now revealed are three parked U.S. Army trucks, in front of which parades a group of Korean prostitutes from fourteen to forty-five. Despite the autumn weather, their costumes, mixed American mail order and Korean, are chosen for seductive appeal rather than warmth.

 

HAWKEYE

Must be the Famous Curb Service Whore –

(pronounced 'howah')

House. You in the market Duke?

 

DUKE

(in negation)

I done my shopping in Seoul last night.

 

They now have a fairly clear view of a GI and a Korean female lying in tight formation in the bed on one of the trucks, their activity only partially concealed by a blanket.

 

DUKE

Curb service is right.

 

TIME LAPSE:

 

 

EXT. APPROACH TO 4077TH MASH – DAY

 

Hawkeye stops the Jeep as they come to a place in the road where they can get a downward look at their future home. The river valley in which the 4077th Mash is situated is almost surrounded by mountains. The components of the post are spread out in a rough horseshoe with a large compound of level ground in the middle. At the closed end of the horseshoe is the main hospital building, made of wood with a tin roof marked by a large red cross; everything else is canvas. To the left of the main building are strung out the Admitting Ward, Laboratory, Dental Clinic, Mess Hall, PX, Showers Tent, Barber Tent and the Enlisted Men's Tents. On the right side are the Postop Ward, Officers' Tents, Nurses' Tents, Korean Domestics' Tents and finally, the Officers' Club. In the f.g., from Duke and Hawkeye's angle are four helicopters belonging to the 5th Air Rescue Squadron, and the signs we have already seen marking the post and the 38th Parallel.

 

HAWKEYE

Well, there it is. Jesus!

 

DUKE

The spot we picked to spend the winter. Maybe we ought to look a little harder.

 

BRIEF TIME LAPSE:

 

 

INT. MASH MESS HALL – DAY

 

As Hawkeye and Duke enter. The large tent has two floor levels separated by a railing into a section for officers and one for enlisted men, the two groups being much closer to numerical equality here than in an ordinary military installation. There is a further voluntary piece of segregation within the officers' section: the men – medical officers plus a couple of administrative officers and a helicopter pilot – are at one long, rectangular table; the nurses, ranging in rank from second lieutenant to captain, at another.

 

Hawkeye starts to lead the way to an empty table in the officers' section, but Duke calls his attention to the outstanding feature of the nurses' table: LIEUTENTANT DISH, 24, blonde and clearly, even in her winter fatigues, the sexiest looking nurse in military history.

 

DUKE

What do you think of that piece of scenery, Yankee boy?

 

HAWKEYE

Finest kind. We'll sit where we can get the best view.

 

Accordingly, they select seats close to the nurses and facing the Lieutenant. Some personnel are on duty in the hospital during this lunch period, but beside Dish, two of the following three nurses with whom we will become acquainted are present here:

 

KNOCKO, who is black, a captain in her thirties, solidly built, very strong and very competent in her job; LESLIE, also a captain, not more than thirty, bright, attractive, cheerful, the kind of girl that brings out the latent male matrimonial instinct but who, strangely, is treated as inviolate by the by the sex-starved men of the post; and LIEUTENANT SCORCH, who can't match Dish or Leslie by physical standards but has the asset of instant availability.

 

A Korean boy, not yet of military age, in green fatigue pants and an off-white coat, appears promptly and heaps Duke and Hawkeye's plates with food. Duke is hungry enough to turn his whole attention to the meal, but Hawkeye is unable to keep his eyes off Lieutenant Dish while eating. Thus neither of them is aware of the attention they are getting from the male officers' group, which includes HENRY, a couple of medical captains named MURRHARDT and BANDINI; DAGO RED (officially, Father John Patrick Mulcahy, red-haired Catholic Chaplain of the area) and the PAINLESS POLE (Captain Walter Zaldowski, Dental Officer), both in their thirties; and CAPTAIN UGLY JOHN BLACK, an Australian anesthesiologist.

 

There is also curiosity about the newcomers from the unlisted men's section, where we see among others RADAR; VOLLMER, Henry's overweight Sergeant Major; CORPORAL JUDSON, young, black and fresh from Mississippi; PRIVATE BOONE, who looks too young and nervous to be in any man's army; and PFC SEIDMAN, whose first trip out of New York has taken him halfway around the world.

 

Henry, who alone has reason to be personally affronted by Duke and Hawkeye's unmilitary behavior, gets up and crosses to where they are sitting.

 

HENRY

I'm Colonel Blake. You fellows just passing through?

 

HAWKEYE

Nope, we're assigned heah.

 

With which reminder we will abandon all indications of the Maine accent.

 

DUKE

Y'all were short a couple cutters and we're what the Army sent.

 

HENRY

Don't you know the first thing you're supposed to do at a new post is present yourself to the commanding officer with your orders?

 

DUKE

Reckon so, but we been boozing all day and you work up an appetite.

 

HENRY

(taking out orders and handing Duke a copy)

You're welcome to one of these, whatever they are.

 

DUKE

(finding his orders)

They give you copies to burn.

 

Henry scans both papers to find what he considers the most important part. There is a RUMBLE OF ARTILLERY in the distance.

 

HENRY

Good. You've both been working close to the front.

 

DUKE

(listening to artillery)

Never this close.

 

HENRY

They've hit us on Cherry Hill. I just got word. We have our slack periods but when the action starts, you'll have more work in twelve hours than a civilian surgeon does in a week.

 

HAWKEYE

Colonel Blake, have no fear. Hawkeye and Duke are here.

 

DUKE

(to Henry)

That's right, pal. You just sit up front and sign the mail, and leave the cutting to us.

 

HENRY

I may need you to go to work practically immediately. But meanwhile perhaps you'd like to meet some of your fellow officers.

 

DUKE

Just one for a start.

 

HAWKEYE

The blonde dish.

 

HENRY

If you mean...

(looking toward Lieutenant Dish)

She is a lieutenant in the Army Nursing Corps, Captain.

 

HAWKEYE

Okay, Lieutenant Dish. I guess she's already... involved with somebody here.

 

HENRY

They've all tried. Nobody's got to first base.

 

He is interrupted by the fact that Dish and Knocko have risen from their table and are passing right by them on their way to the door. The Lieutenant has just as nice a walk as you would hope for, and the men's eyes follow her till she is again out of hearing distance.

 

HAWKEYE

Why bother with first base? I'd go right for the home run.

 

The Painless Pole and Dago Red have come over.

 

DAGO RED

This the new talent, Henry?

 

HENRY

Captain Pierce, Captain Forrest... Father Mulcahy, the Catholic Chaplain of the area, and Captain Waldowski, our Dental Officer.

 

PAINLESS

Better known as Painless Pole.

 

Murrhardt and Bandini come over and all ADLIB introductions – asking each other their backgrounds, etc.

 

BANDINI

We all call him Dago Red.

 

DUKE

I'm Duke and he's Hawkeye.

 

PAINLESS

Glad to know you. Drop in at my clinic anytime you feel like playing a little poker, or even if a tooth is bothering you.

 

HAWKEYE

Poker sounds great. When do you play?

 

MURRHARDT

He said anytime. Day and night, seven days a week. The players change but the game never stops.

 

HENRY

(to Hawkeye and Duke)

You'll be living with Major Burns. O'Reilly!

 

Before his name is uttered, Radar has already risen from the enlisted men's group, and is now at Henry's side.

 

RADAR

Sir?

 

HENRY

Don't do that, Radar! You make me nervous.

 

RADAR

Sir?

 

HENRY

Don't come so quickly when I call. I want you to take these officers...

 

RADAR

To Major Burns' tent. Yes, sir.

 

HENRY

Stop that, O'Rielly!

 

RADAR

Sir?

 

HENRY

Oh, get out of here!

 

RADAR

Yes, Colonel.

 

BRIEF TIME LAPSE:

 

 

EXT. / INT. "THE SWAMP" (PRESENTLY FRANK'S TENT) – DAY

 

Hawkeye and Duke drag their bags from the Jeep, which Radar drives away. They look over their new residence, a standard army tent, square with peaked roof, a wooden door attached to the canvas. Then as they approach it, they become aware of a youthful Korean voice reading, in heavily accented English, words that have no meaning for the speaker.

 

HO-JON'S VOICE (O.S.)

'Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death... '

 

DUKE

Jesus Christ!

 

HAWKEYE

One of his ancestors, I think.

 

HO-JON'S VOICE (O.S.)

'I shall fear no evil for Thou art with me... '

 

They open the door of the tent and go in. There are three canvas cots with sleeping bags on them, a plank floor, an oil stove, electric light, a few crude shelves, one table and one chair plus assorted crates serving as same.

 

MAJOR FRANK BURNS, 35, from Wisconsin, is sitting on one of the two more favorably situated cots listening to HO-JON, a Korean boy of 16, read from the Bible. He corrects the word that has given Ho-Jon the most trouble.

 

FRANK

Thou. For Thou art with me.

(sees Duke and Hawkeye, jumps up)

Welcome, welcome, welcome!

 

DUKE

What the hell's going on here?

 

FRANK

This is Ho-Jon, my houseboy. Our houseboy. I'm teaching him English.

 

DUKE

Where's he gonna use that kind of talk? 'The valley of the shadow of death.' Wait a minute, Ho-Jon...

(rummages in barracks bag)

I got something for you.

 

He takes out sex magazine, gives it to Ho-Jon in such a way that we see the nude on the cover, but Frank doesn't.

 

DUKE

(to Frank)

Little light reading matter. Just right for his age.

 

HAWKEYE

(to Duke)

Well, southern boy, I suppose you want the sack that's convenient to the door.

 

DUKE

And gets the wind every time it opens. No, thanks. I'll take that one.

 

He indicates the unoccupied cot which, like Frank's, is at the rear of the tent with the stove between it and the front door. Hawkeye shrugs and reaches into his barracks bag.

 

HAWKEYE

Let's choose for it.

(finds baseball bat, hands it to Duke)

You toss.

 

Duke tosses the bat vertically in the air. As it comes down Hawkeye grabs it expertly at the tape with his left hand. Duke puts his left hand above that, and Duke is left with his right hand waving in the air with nothing to grab.

 

HAWKEYE

(to Ho-Jon)

Part of your education. Always use your own bat.

 

He tosses Valpac onto the desired cot.

 

TIME LAPSE:

 

 

INT. ADMITTING WARD – NIGHT

 

It's pretty full already and more wounded are being brought in by corpsmen. In contrast to the opening scene, where the casualties were a generalized fact seen at a distance, in this scene they are viewed individually and at close range, and the effect, both on the eye and the ear, is almost unbearable. Hawkeye, in a white gown as are all the surgeons and nurses, moves from a patient he has just examined to one who is letting out a number of unintelligible SOUNDS mixed in with such clear and frequently repeated words as "Christ," "Mother," "God damn" and "Please." As Hawkeye approaches, Lieutenant Scorch removes enough of the bandaging done in the field to display an abdomen with part of its contents on the outside.

 

HAWKEYE

Two-man job. How much blood has he had?

 

LIEUTENANT SCORCH

Second pint.

 

HAWKEYE

Duke...

 

Duke has just examined a patient. He takes a step towards Hawkeye.

 

HAWKEYE

This kid's ready but we won't know all the damage till we get in and see what's happened. What have you got?

 

DUKE

Nothing can't wait. Shall we check it out with the Major?

 

He indicates a Major who is standing a short distance away, looking like a boss but not actually doing anything. Also in Admitting Ward are, Murrhardt, Lieutentant Dish, PFC Seidman, Corporal Judson.

 

HAWKEYE

Naw, I already found out. The only thing he doesn't like about being in charge is making decisions.

 

TIME LAPSE:

 

 

INT. OPERATING ROOM – NIGHT

 

NOTE: All principal cast should be available for all operating scenes.

 

There are three operations going on at once. Here all personnel wear white caps and masks and it is hard to identify individuals except that at close range we can distinguish Hawkeye by his glasses and Duke by his eyes and his build. They are working together with great efficiency and an instinctive collaboration that seems to require no verbal exchange. What we see them do, without necessarily recognizing the portion of anatomy involved, is to cut out a section of bowel damaged by a shell fragment, and start sewing the divided ends together.

 

TIME LAPSE:

 

 

INT. OPERATING ROOM – NIGHT

 

Hawkeye and Duke are working together on the last stages of a leg amputation. This time there is no doubt about the surgical process we are watching; we see the almost severed leg and the process of controlling bleeding; then the limb is actually separated from its stump and handed by Duke to a corpsman. Hawkeye speaks to the nurse standing behind him.

 

HAWKEYE

Hot pack.

 

Watching her dip the pack into a warm solution and wring it out, he recognizes, despite cap and mask, that it is Lieutenant Dish. His eyes linger on hers for a brief moment.

 

TIME LAPSE:

 

 

EXT. OUTSIDE OPERATING ROOM – NIGHT

 

Lieutenant Dish comes out of the Operating Room, tears in her eyes, trying to control her sobs, and moves just outside the circle of light from the fixture over the entrance. There, no longer under observation, she lets herself cry. Hawkeye comes out the door, registers surprise at the sight of her just as if he hadn't followed her out. He moves to her side and puts a comforting arm around her. She looks up just long enough to see who it is, then buries her head on his shoulder as his other arm goes around her.

 

LIEUTENANT DISH

Isn't this ridiculous, Doctor? Six months I've been here and there are still times when I can't stand it. I just go to pieces.

 

HAWKEYE

There's nothing ridiculous about it.

(turns her face up to his)

A kid like you...

 

She doesn't move her head from the way he has arranged it, and her lips are very close to his. He kisses her and it turns out, from the ardent way she responds, that's what she wanted him to do.

 

LIEUTENANT DISH

Thank you, Captain Pierce.

(her voice full of need)

It's been so long.

 

HAWKEYE

No trouble at all.

(then)

Hawkeye.

 

LIEUTENANT DISH

How did you get called that?

 

HAWKEYE

'The Last of the Mohicans.' Only book my father ever read.

 

He kisses her again and again she clings to him.

 

LIEUTENANT DISH

You're getting a workout, you and Captain Forrest, your first night.

 

HAWKEYE

It isn't always this rough?

 

LIEUTENANT DISH

Oh, no. We have dull stretches every week or so, thank God, when there's nothing to do after midnight.

 

HAWKEYE

They don't have to be dull. I mean if you and me put our minds together...

 

LIEUTENANT DISH

Our minds?

 

HAWKEYE

For a start. I just have a hunch... well, it isn't entirely a hunch...

 

LIEUTENANT DISH

You're an attractive man.

 

HAWKEYE

You have a certain modest charm yourself.

 

LIEUTENANT DISH

(continuing her own thoughts)

But I'm married.

 

HAWKEYE

Something else we have in common.

 

LIEUTENANT DISH

Very happily married.

 

HAWKEYE

Same here.

 

LIEUTENANT DISH

And absolutely determined to be faithful to my husband. Do we have that in common, Captain?

 

HAWKEYE

It's a matter of definition. Faithful in spirit, yes.

 

LIEUTENANT DISH

I don't make the distinction. But the sex urge is a powerful force. In women just as much as men.

 

HAWKEYE

Ayuh.

 

LIEUTENANT DISH

You'd think now, with only six weeks before they ship me back home, it would be easier. But it isn't.

 

HAWKEYE

Of course not.

 

LIEUTENANT DISH

It's terribly hard. Sometimes the temptation is just too much.

 

HAWKEYE

Then why not, as long as it wouldn't hurt anybody...?

 

LIEUTENANT DISH

(not hearing him, just continuing her own thought)

But you've made me feel strong again, Captain. Hawkeye.

(smiling, tears gone, ready to return to work)

You helped me pull together when I needed it.

 

With a grateful look at him, she goes back inside. Hawkeye contemplates the accomplishment she has credited him with, and finds it appalling.

 

 

INT. OPERATING ROOM – NIGHT

 

Hawkeye and Duke are working across the table from each other again, this time inside a man's chest, stopping a hemorrhage and debriding the wound.

 

DUKE

Now that's what I call real pretty. We can close up here and go into his belly.