FADE IN:

INT. VOID - DAY

Standing in a nonexistent set is ANDY KAUFMAN, looking a bit

nervous. Wide-eyed, tentative, he stares at us with a

needy, unsettling cuteness. His hair is slicked-down, and

he wears the "FRIENDLY WORLD" costume from the Andy Kaufman

special.

Finally, Andy speaks -- in a peculiar FOREIGN ACCENT.

ANDY (AS FOREIGN MAN)

Hallo. I am Andy. Welcoom to my

movie.

(beat; he gets

upset)

I hoped the story of my life would

be nice...but it turned out

terrible! It is all LIES! Tings

are mixed up... real people I knew

play different people. WHAT A MESS!

So I broke into Universal and cut

out the junk. Now it's much

shorter. In fact, this is the end

of the movie. So tanks for comink!

Bye-bye!

Andy puts a needle on a phonograph, and swelling CLOSING

CREDITS MUSIC starts to play. FINAL CREDITS roll.

Andy stands frozen, awkwardly looking at the audience.

Every time the music ends he picks up the needle and

restarts the music. He does that as many times as the

credits require.

Finally, CREDITS END. And then--a sly smile. He leans in.

DROPS HIS ACCENT and WHISPERS.

ANDY (AS REGULAR VOICE)

Okay! Just my friends are left. I

wanted to get rid of those other

people... they would have laughed in

the wrong places.

(beat)

I was only kidding about the

movie... it's actually PRETTY GOOD!

It shows everything... from me as a

little boy until my death --

(his eyes pop; he

covers his mouth)

Oops!! I wasn't supposed to talk

about that! Oh. Eh, uh, we better

just begin. It starts back in Great

Neck, Long Island...

Andy turns to a primitive 16mm PROJECTOR and turns it on.

WHIR! He smiles at the flickering light.

ANDY

Oh, yes. I remember it well...

We PUSH INTO the white light. It fills our frame, blazing

whiter, whiter...

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. KAUFMAN HOUSE - 1957 - DAY

A BLACK AND WHITE image slowly becomes COLOR. Great Neck,

1957. An upper-class Jewish neighborhood. In the street,

crewcut BOYS play t-ball, laughing and shouting. A fat

convertible pulls up to the smallest house, and STANLEY

KAUFMAN, 40, gets out. Still in his suit, he's a well-

meaning slave to his job -- tired, responsible.

Stanley goes over to admire the t-ball game. At bat is his

son MICHAEL, 6, a natural charmer. Michael swings -- crack!

-- and hits a solid single. Stanley smiles.

STANLEY

That's my boy! Good swingin',

kiddo.

(warm beat; then a

look)

Hey -- Michael... where's your

brother?

MICHAEL

He's inside.

Instantly -- Stanley's mood turns black. He frowns angrily,

then snatches his briefcase and marches in.

INT. KAUFMAN HOUSE, KITCHEN - 1957 - DAY

Baby CAROL is crying. Mom JANICE, 35, quickly peels

carrots, trying to get dinner made. Stanley marches past.

STANLEY

Is he in his room?

JANICE

Of course he's in his room.

(aggravated)

All his "friends" are in there.

Stanley glowers. He huffs upstairs.

INT. KAUFMAN HOUSE, HALLWAY - 1957 - DAY

Stanley hurries up to Andy's shut door. We hear little Andy

doing VOICES.

ANDY (O.S.)

(as WORRIED GIRL)

But professor, why are the monsters

growing so big?

(now as BRITISH

PROFESSOR)

It's something in the jungle water.

I need to crack the secret code.

Stanley rolls his eyes. He opens the door...

INT. KAUFMAN HOUSE, ANDY'S ROOM - 1957 - DAY

...revealing ANDY, 8, performing for the wall. Andy is

happy and enthusiastic... as long as he's acting.

ANDY

(as BRITISH

PROFESSOR)

Maybe I should talk to the natives.

(as dancing NATIVES)

Shoom boom boo ba! Shoom boom boo

ba --

STANLEY

Andy!

ANDY

(startled)

Oh!

The boy suddenly turns off, becoming introverted... awkward.

Frustrated, Stanley stares at his son.

STANLEY

Andy, this has to stop. Our house

isn't a television station. There

is not a camera in that wall.

Andy glances over at the wall. Hmm.

STANLEY (cont'd)

(trying to cope)

Son... listen to me. It isn't

healthy. You should be outside,

playing sports.

ANDY

But I've got a sports show.

Championship wrestling, at five.

STANLEY

(he blows his top)

You know that's not what I meant!

Look, I'm gonna put my foot down!

No more playing alone. You wanna

perform, you GOTTA have an audience!

ANDY

(he points at the

wall)

B-but I have them.

STANLEY

No! That is NOT an audience! That

is PLASTER! An audience is people

made of flesh! They -- live and

breathe! Got it?!

Andy thinks, considering his options. Then, he nods.

CUT TO:

INT. KAUFMAN HOUSE, FAMILY ROOM - 1957 - LATER THAT DAY

Baby Carol sits in her crib. Andy's hands suddenly YANK her

out.

INT. KAUFMAN HOUSE, ANDY'S ROOM - 1957 - DAY

Andy hurries in and plops Carol down on the floor. She

dutifully sits there, deadpan.

Andy returns to the center of the room. He resumes his

show.

ANDY

(as KIDDIE SHOW

HOST)

And now, boys and girls! It's time

for... TV Fun House!

(he makes an

APPLAUSE SOUND)

Hi, everybody! Are you ready for a

singalong? I'll say the animal, and

you make his sound! Okay...? Okay!

(he starts to SING)

"Oh, the cow goes........."

Carol stares, unblinking. Then --

CAROL

Moo.

ANDY

(he smiles, pleased)

"And the dog goes......"

CAROL

WOOF!

ANDY

"And the cat says......"

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. NY NIGHTCLUB - 1975 - NIGHT

TIGHT on ANDY, now GROWN UP. 26-years-old, still performing

the song.

DRUNK AUDIENCE

MEOW!!

WIDE - It's a small, hip New York nightclub.

ANDY

"And the bird says..."

DRUNK AUDIENCE

TWEET!!

ANDY

"And the lion goes..."

DRUNK AUDIENCE

ROAR!!

ANDY

"And that's the way it goes!"

(he grins)

Thank you. Goodbye!

Andy waves and bows. There's faint scattered applause.

Andy sighs. An irritated MANAGER steps onstage. He shoots

Andy a disgruntled look, then takes the mike.

MANAGER

The comedy stylings of Andy Kaufman,

Ladies and Gentlemen!

In the b.g., Andy starts packing up his props: Hand puppets,

conga drums, a phonograph... it all goes into a big bulky

case.

CUT TO:

INT. NY NIGHTCLUB - 1975 - LATER THAT NIGHT

The club is empty. At the bar, the manager cleans up. Andy

eagerly comes over. Offstage, his presence is soft, placid

-- his voice barely above a whisper.

ANDY

So, Mr. Besserman, same slot

tomorrow...?

MANAGER

(awkward)

Eh, I dunno... Andy. I'm...

thinkin' of letting you go...

ANDY

You're firing me??

(beat)

You don't even pay me!

MANAGER

Look -- I don't wanna seem

insulting. But... your act is like

amateur hour: Singalongs...

puppets... playing records...

A stunned beat. Andy is hurt.

ANDY

What do you want? "Take my wife,

please"??

MANAGER

Sure! Comedy! Make jokes about the

traffic. Do impressions. Maybe a

little blue material...

ANDY

I don't swear. I -- I don't do what

everyone else does!

MANAGER

Well, everyone else gets this place

cookin'! Pal, it's hard for me to

move the booze when you're singin'

"Pop Goes The Weasel."

Andy stares, disheartened.

MANAGER (cont'd)

I'm sorry. You're finished here.

An uncomfortable beat -- and then Andy starts crying.

The manager is dumbfounded. He doesn't know what to do.

Tears are rolling pitifully down Andy's cheeks. The manager

is confused -- totally disoriented. Shamed, Andy covers his

face, then runs out. Silence. The manager stares after

him... having no idea what just happened.

EXT. NY NIGHTCLUB - 1975 - NIGHT

Sobbing Andy bursts out the door. He steps onto the

sidewalk -- and IMMEDIATELY STOPS CRYING. Just like that.

Andy lifts his big case and starts walking. Andy shakes his

head angrily.

He turns down a dark street, hurrying alone through an

unsavory New York neighborhood. But then... TWO MEN

appear... silently approaching. Andy stops uncertainly --

debating whether to turn around. But in that second -- the

thugs are upon him, glaring menacingly.

THUG #1

Give us your wallet.

Andy stares fearfully. An anxious moment. He thinks...

considering his options.

Then, he suddenly stammers in a thick FOREIGN ACCENT.

ANDY (AS FOREIGN MAN)

I -- doo not unterstand!!

THUG #1

Give us your money!

ANDY (AS FOREIGN MAN)

What?? What mooney? Abu daboo! I

do not have mooney!

The thugs glance at each other.

ANDY (AS FOREIGN MAN) (cont'd)

Pleaze! I just move to America

yezterday! I do not know!

THUG #1

What's in the case?

ANDY (AS FOREIGN MAN)

NO! Eeet, eet is just perzonal

trifles from my homeland --

THUG #2

Shut up! Gimme that thing!

The guy snatches the case. He impulsively BREAKS the

lock... and clothes, congas and records fall out.

The thugs are dismayed.

THUG #1

Goddamn immigrants!

THUG #2

This guy's pathetic. Let's go.

Harsh glances. They angrily turn and leave.

Andy takes a nervous breath, then starts picking his things

off the street. He shouts after the guys:

ANDY (AS FOREIGN MAN)

Tank you veddy much...!

CUT TO:

EXT. NY IMPROV - 1975 - NIGHT

The Improv, the biggest comedy club around. People are

lined up, waiting. The man strides up -- GEORGE SHAPIRO, a

Hollywood talent manager. George is old school: Bronx

accent, shmooze and a hug... but with a surprising sweetness

that is quite disarming. A DOORMAN sees him, grins, and

waves George in.

INT. NY IMPROV, BAR - 1975 - NIGHT

The bar is packed with COMICS and SHOW BIZ TYPES. A few

turn and smile -- "George!" "Hey, George!" George takes a

couple hands, whispers to someone else, then drifts into

the...

INT. NY IMPROV, SHOWROOM - 1975 - NIGHT

Where the show's in progress. Owner BUDD FRIEDMAN sees

George and gives him a bear-hug. Then he hustles George to

a table.

George sits -- and gives the stage his undivided attention.

Up there is a WISEASS COMIC.

WISEASS COMIC

So I'm getting my mother-in-law a

special Christmas present: A pre-

paid funeral! The mortician asked

me if I wanted her buried, embalmed

or cremated. I said, "Make it all

three! I'm not takin' any chances!"

(the crowd LAUGHS)

Thank you. Good night!

The comic waves and exits. APPLAUSE. George politely

claps. A PIANO PLAYER jumps in with an upbeat show tune.

We think there's a break... when Andy suddenly, awkwardly

steps on stage. He is in character as Foreign Man. Pink

jacket, tie, hair slicked back, frightened like a deer in

headlights. He puts down his big case, pulls out various

junk, and arranges it on chairs.

The room hushes, uncertain as to who the hell this guy is.

Andy tentatively grabs the mike. The stagefright is agony.

ANDY (AS FOREIGN MAN)

Now? Now...?

(looking around)

Tank you veddy much. I am very

happy to be here. I tink -- this is

a very beautiful place. But one

ting I do not like is too much

traffic. Tonight I had to come

from, eh, and the freeway, it was so

much traffic. It took me an hour

and a half to get here!

Andy chuckles, as if this were a punchline.

Silence. The crowd is baffled.

ANDY (AS FOREIGN MAN) (cont'd)

But -- talking about the terrible

things: My wife. Take my wife,

please take her.

Yikes. A few NERVOUS LAUGHS.

Andy gestures, as if they got the joke.

ANDY (AS FOREIGN MAN) (cont'd)

No really, I am only foolink. I

love my wife very much. But she

don't know how to cook. You know,

one time, she make a steak and

mashed potato. Ehh, and the night

before, she make spaghetti and

meatballs. Her cooking is so bad...

is terrible.

People are embarrassed. Some avert their eyes. A couple

hipsters laugh mockingly.

George leans forward. Andy wipes the sweat from his brow.

ANDY (AS FOREIGN MAN) (cont'd)

Right now, I would like to do for

you some imitations. So first, I

would like to imitate Archie Bunker.

(no change in his

voice)

"You stupid, everybody ees stupid!

Ehh, get, get out of my chair

Meathead... go in the, eh, Dingbat

get into the kitchen, making the

food! Ehh, everybody ees stupid! I

don't like nobody, ees so stupid!"

Tank you veddy much.

(pleased, he proudly

bows)

Now I would like to imitate Jimmy

Carter, the President of the United

States.

(no change in his

voice)

"Hello, I am Jimmy Carter, the

President of the United States."

Some people BOO and walk out. A few giggle, getting into

the groove.

George is intrigued.

ANDY (AS FOREIGN MAN) (cont'd)

And now... I would like to imitate

the Elvis Presley.

A woman LAUGHS caustically. Andy grins stupidly, then turns

his back to us. He presses "Play" on a CASSETTE RECORDER...

and the THEME FROM 2001 starts playing.

House lights dim dramatically. With a flourish, Andy pulls

tape off his pants -- revealing rhinestones. He removes his

pink coat -- putting on a white jeweled jacket.

He combs his hair.

Then he brushes his hair.

Then he combs his hair some more.

Finally he picks up a guitar, strikes a pose -- and spins

around.

He is ELVIS. CONFIDENT. SEXY. LIP CURL. DEAD-ON PERFECT.

The crowd is blown away.

Vegas Elvis INTRO MUSIC suddenly blasts. Andy/Elvis

swaggers stage left and takes a bow. Then he goes stage

right and takes a bow. Then he returns stage left for

another bow.

Music STOPS.

ANDY (AS ELVIS)

Thank you very much.

Wow. Flabbergasted, people APPLAUD. This man is Elvis.

Suddenly -- "JAILHOUSE ROCK" guitar kicks in.

ANDY (AS ELVIS) (cont'd)

(SINGING)

"Warden threw a party

In the county jail!

Prison band was there

And they BEGAN to WAIL!"

ANGLE - GEORGE

He is astonished. George cannot quite figure out what's

going on... but he wants in.

He waves Budd over. Budd leans down, and George WHISPERS.

GEORGE

Pst. What's the story with this

guy?

BUDD

I think he's Lithuanian. None of us

can understand him.

George nods admiringly.

GEORGE

He does a hell of an Elvis.

CUT TO:

INT. NY IMPROV, BACKSTAGE - 1975 - LATER THAT NIGHT

Andy is packing up his things. He very methodically folds

each item of clothing, then checks the creases.

George strolls up.

GEORGE

Hey, I really enjoyed your set.

ANDY (AS FOREIGN MAN)

Tank you veddy much.

GEORGE

So I understand you're from

Lithuania?

ANDY (AS FOREIGN MAN)

No. Caspiar.

George is puzzled.

GEORGE

Caspiar? I haven't heard of that.

ANDY (AS FOREIGN MAN)

It's a veddy small island in de

Caspian Sea.

(beat)

It sunk.

GEORGE

Oh. Hm. I'm uh, sorry.

(beat)

Well, look, I'm probably out of my

mind -- but I think you're very

interesting. If you ever need

representation... we should talk.

George hands him a BUSINESS CARD. Andy reads it -- then his

eyes pop. He DROPS the accent.

ANDY

Mr. Shapiro, it's an honor!!

George realizes it's all been an act. He laughs heartily.

GEORGE

Caspiar, huh?!

CUT TO:

INT. SOHO HEALTH FOOD RESTAURANT - NIGHT

A Bohemian health food restaurant, staffed by hippie

waitresses in sandals. Andy and George sit together, trying

to get a sense of each other.

ANDY

You see, I want to be the biggest

star in the world.

George is surprised at this hubris.

GEORGE

People love... comedians.

ANDY

I'm not a comedian. I have no

talent.

(he shrugs)

I'm a song-and-dance man.

George looks up at Andy -- and inexplicably there is a giant

MOIST BOOGER hanging from Andy's nostril.

George cringes. He doesn't know what to say.

A waitress brings over two plates of awful 70's HEALTH FOOD

-- seaweed, beans, stringy paste. George frowns. Andy

beams.

ANDY (cont'd)

Mmm! I particularly recommend the

Lotus root.

Andy pulls out a little Handi-wipe and cleanses his hands.

Then he starts arranging the food in compulsive little

piles: Beans in pinwheel shapes. Sprouts in piles.

George peers at the bizarre food behavior.

GEORGE

You show a lot of promise... but...

my concern is I don't know where to

book you. You're not a stand-up...

your act doesn't exactly translate

to films... help me... where do you

see yourself?

ANDY

(bright)

I've always wanted to play Carnegie

Hall.

George is unsure if that's a joke.

GEORGE

Yeah, ha-ha. That's funny.

Andy dips his silverware in the water glass. Two dunks,

then he dries it with his napkin.

George stares, perplexed. He looks back up -- and Andy's

booger has suddenly switched nostrils.

Huh?

ANDY

See, I don't want easy laughs.

Andy's about to eat -- but first bows his head in silent

prayer. George raises an eyebrow. Andy snaps his head back

up.

ANDY (cont'd)

I want gut reactions! I want that

audience to go through an

experience. They love me! They

hate me! They walk out -- it's all

GREAT!

Andy triumphantly eats a bean. George peers, unable to take

the booger anymore. He hands Andy a napkin and points to

his nose. Andy nods, removes the rubber booger, and

carefully puts it in a little box.

ANDY (cont'd)

After I'm famous, I can sell these

as "Worn by Andy Kaufman."

And at that... George is won over. He smiles broadly.

GEORGE

You're insane.

(then sincere)

But -- you might also be brilliant.

Alright, Andy... let's do it.

George warmly extends his hand.

Andy slowly smiles, then takes George's hand. The men

shake. A moment of supreme importance.

EST. BEVERLY HILLS - DAY

The glitz strip of Los Angeles. Money. Beauty.

INT. SHAPIRO/WEST - DAY

Real working showbiz offices. No glamour at all. It looks

more like an insurance agency.

George sits in his office, reassuring someone on the phone.

GEORGE

Sammy, opening for David Brenner is

a fine gig. You'll be on the

road... get some exposure...

O.S., a SECRETARY shouts out.

SECRETARY (O.S.)

Tony Clifton on the phone!

GEORGE

Who?

SECRETARY (O.S.)

He says he's an associate of Andy

Kaufman's.

GEORGE

Oh.

(back to the phone)

Sammy, think about it. I gotta go.

(he punches a line)

Hello? George Shapiro here.

On the phone, a STACCATO, ABRASIVE NASAL VOICE blares.

TONY CLIFTON (V.O.)

Uh, yeah. Is this GEORGE SHAPIRO?

GEORGE

(beat)

Er, yes. Speaking.

TONY CLIFTON (V.O.)

"Speaking"! Reeking, seeking,

creaking... Freaking!

George is baffled.

GEORGE

Can I help you with something?

TONY CLIFTON (V.O.)

Yeah! You stay away from that Andy

Kaufman, if you know what's good for

you!

GEORGE

(stunned)

Who is this?

TONY CLIFTON (V.O.)

You -- you know damn straight who it

is. Tony Clifton! A name to

respect. A name to fear.

(beat)

Beer. Gear. Deer. Ear.

GEORGE

Look... I don't know what your

problem is...

TONY CLIFTON (V.O.)

Kaufman's a lying bastard! If you

sign him, I'll RUIN YOU!

CLICK. Clifton hangs up. George is bewildered.

INT. MEDITATION INSTITUTE UNIVERSITY, CLASSROOM - DAY

The light is magical. Soothing SITAR music plays. Andy and

fifteen other BAREFOOT STUDENTS sit on mats in a semi-

circle. Eyes shut, bodies in different yoga positions, they

are all meditating.

Facing them on a throne-like chair sits a reverent, Indian

YOGI. At his feet is the class teacher, LITTLE WENDY, a

teeny lady with an absurdly high-pitched voice.

LITTLE WENDY

Now, while continuing your deep

breathing, slowly open your eyes.

You should feel rested, relaxed, and

alert.

The students all open their eyes.

YOGI

Do any thoughts come...?

STUDENT #1

My mind is clear. I feel great.

YOGI

Good...

STUDENT #2

All the tension is gone from my

body.

The Yogi's eyes go to Andy. Andy smiles sweetly.

ANDY

I want to thank you, your Holiness.

My heart is radiating with pure

energy.

The Yogi nods kindly.

YOGI

You always had a good heart. But

I'm proud of the progress you've

made in your discipline.

ANDY

Yes. TM got me focused. In fact,

my manager got me a TV gig! It's

just some new show with no budget,

but I'm still excited.

Oh. The Yogi peers intently.

YOGI

Are you at peace with your family?

ANDY

Um, yes. I haven't fought with

them, since I started here.

YOGI

Goals are important.

ANDY

I stopped drinking. I gave up

drugs. And I'm meditating three

hours a day. It's the center of my

life...

YOGI

We are all impressed.

Andy smiles beatifically. This means a lot.

LITTLE WENDY

Okay. Anyone else --?

ANDY

Oh, wait! I have a question.

(beat; working up

his nerve)

Is there... is there a secret to

being funny?

Huh? The Yogi thinks hard... squinching up his face.

Then... he finally speaks.

YOGI

Yes. Silence.

CUT TO:

INT. SNL SET - NIGHT

An AUDIENCE sits, waiting for the commercial to end.

TECHIES tweak lights. CAMERAMEN get ready.

Sitting in VIP seats are Andy's FAMILY. Stanley and Janice

are in their late 50's, Michael and Carol in their 20's.

They're all anxious.

CAROL

I still can't believe my brother's

gonna be on TV...!

JANICE

I hope he doesn't get nervous.

STANLEY

What's the difference? This thing's

on in the middle of the night -- no

one's even gonna see it.

The commercial ends, and the "APPLAUSE" sign blinks. The

crowd APPLAUDS. An "ON THE AIR" sign lights up.

HOST

Welcome back to Saturday Night Live!

And now, as a special treat on our

first show... musical guest ANDY

KAUFMAN!!!

The SNL orchestra starts the intro into a song. Andy enters

the stage with a boom box, and positions himself in front of

the microphone. When the vocals are supposed to start, Andy

doesn't open his mouth. Instead he looks around --

frightened. The band stops... and starts again. Andy

remains mute. The Band stops again.

INT. SNL SET, BOOTH - NIGHT

The SNL producer, LORNE MICHAELS, looks worried.

LORNE MICHAELS

What's happening to him?

INT. SNL SET - NIGHT

At that moment, Andy puts the boom box down and blares it

loudly. The THEME FROM "MIGHTY MOUSE" plays -- but Andy

just blankly stands there.

He's purposefully doing nothing.

MIGHTY MOUSE THEME (V.O.)

"Although we are in danger,

We never despair,

Because we know where there is

danger

He is there!"

The audience is puzzled. The Kaufmans are alarmed.

INT. SNL SET, BOOTH - NIGHT

Lorne Michaels is panicked.

LORNE MICHAELS

Oh my God, he's doing nothing. It's

dead air...!

INT. SNL SET - NIGHT

BACK ON ANDY.

MIGHTY MOUSE THEME (V.O.)

"We're not worrying at all.

We're just listening for his

call..."

Then SUDDENLY -- Andy comes to life and triumphantly LIP

SYNCS.

MIGHTY MOUSE THEME (V.O.) (cont'd)

"Here I come to save the day!"

Shocked, the crowd HOWLS with LAUGHTER.

Then instantly -- Andy resumes his blank expression.

MIGHTY MOUSE THEME (V.O.) (cont'd)

"That means that Mighty Mouse is on

the way!"

The audience SCREAMS with glee. The tune ENDS, and the

audience APPLAUDS CRAZILY.

Delighted, Andy grins and bows.

The Kaufmans clap the hardest. Stanley locks eyes with

Andy... and the beaming father smiles the proudest of all.

CUT TO:

INT. SHAPIRO/WEST - DAY

George jumps from his desk. Andy is walking in.

GEORGE

Andy, c'mon IN! Thanks for flyin'

out here!!

ANDY

The stewardess let me keep my

headphones.

GEORGE

That's... terrific! But I got

something better. This is BIG...

(giddy; milking the

moment)

You are getting a once-in-a-

lifetime, unbelievably lucrative

opportunity to star on... a

PRIMETIME NETWORK SITCOM!!!!

Andy's smile drops. He freezes up.

ANDY

Sitcom...?

GEORGE

And this is a CLASS ACT! It's the

guys who did the Mary Tyler Moore

and Bob Newhart shows! It takes

place in a taxi stand! And you're

gonna be the Fonzie!

ANDY

(confused)

I'm -- Fonzie?

GEORGE

NO! The Fonzie! The crazy breakout

character! The guy that all the

kids impersonate and put on their

lunchboxes!

ANDY

(soft)

George, I hate sitcoms.

GEORGE

HANG ON, you ain't heard the best

part! ABC has seen your foreign man

character, and they want to turn him

into --

(he checks his

notes)

"Latka," a lovable, goofy

mechanic!!!

Long pause. Then -- Andy responds.

ANDY

No.

GEORGE

"No"? "No" to which part??

ANDY

No to the whole thing. None of it

sounds good.

George is flummoxed.

GEORGE

Andy... this is every comedian's

dream.

ANDY

I told you, I'm not a comedian. And

sitcoms are the lowest form of

entertainment: Stupid jokes and

canned laughter.

GEORGE

(shocked)

B-but, this is classy... they did

Bob Newha--

ANDY

I'm not interested. I want to

create my own material.

Beat. George glares.

GEORGE

You have to do it.

ANDY

I refuse.

GEORGE

(he explodes)

LISTEN, you arrogant putz! I've

been in this business for twenty

years! I know! If you walk away

from this opportunity, you will

never, NEVER see another one like it

again!!!!

Long pause. Andy stares at George, amazed at this passion.

Then Andy gets up and looks around the office. He stares at

the awards... the gold records... emblems of success and

experience.

Andy thinks -- then nods.

ANDY

Okay. Fine, I'll do it.

(beat)

But I have a few terms.

GEORGE

(relieved)

Of course! That's what negotiations

are for.

Andy starts to write on a piece of paper.

GEORGE (cont'd)

What are you doing?

ANDY

Writing down my terms.

George watches patiently.

Andy clicks his pen, done. George smiles and takes the

list. He scans it... then his face gets totally befuddled.

GEORGE

Are you makin' fun of me --? This

is RIDICULOUS!

ANDY

(blas?

Those are my terms.

GEORGE

They're IMPOSSIBLE!! Jesus!

(he points at one

item)

I mean -- "two guaranteed guest

shots for Tony Clifton"??! Who is

this TONY CLIFTON?!

ANDY

He's a Vegas entertainer. I used to

do impressions of him. We sorta...

got in a fight over that.

George gets a look.

GEORGE

This Clifton called me up. He's a

loon! He HATES you!

ANDY

Nah, he just talks tough. But I owe

him one.

Andy smiles ingenuously, then turns stern.

ANDY (cont'd)

If I'm the new Fonz... ABC's just

gonna have to give me what I want.

(a sarcastic FONZIE

IMPRESSION)

Heyyyyyy!

George winces. He stares at the list.

INT. ABC CONFERENCE ROOM - LA - DAY

George sits across a conference table from three NETWORK

SUITS. He stoically reads the men his demands.

GEORGE

Mr. Kaufman will only appear in half

the episodes.

(beat)

Mr. Kaufman requires an undisturbed

90 minutes of meditation prior to

filming.

(beat)

Mr. Kaufman won't rehearse.

(beat)

Mr. Kaufman gets his own network

Special.

The execs are stupefied. Finally -- George delivers the

clincher.

GEORGE (cont'd)

And Taxi must guarantee two guest

appearances to... Tony Clifton.

NETWORK GUYS

WHO???

GEORGE

Tony Clifton.

NETWORK GUY #1

Who is he?!

GEORGE

(solemn)

I don't know.

Long pause. The execs stare at George like he's lost his

mind.

GEORGE (cont'd)

But Andy says he's fabulous.

(awkward)

He also says, these are the terms.

The execs' leader, MAYNARD SMITH, shudders hopelessly.

NETWORK GUY #2

Couldn't Kaufman ask for more money,

like everyone else?

George slowly, sadly shakes his head: No.

Maynard glances at his team -- then frowns.

MAYNARD (cont'd)

George, we don't book phantom

performers. The deal's off.

INT. SHAPIRO/WEST - DAY

GEORGE throws his attach?case on the desk, then slumps into

his chair. He picks up the phone and dials.

GEORGE

Andy?

ANDY (O.S.)

Hi George!

GEORGE

Eh, hi, Andy. Look, this Tony

Clifton... is he performing

anywhere?

ANDY (O.S.)

Of course.

(beat)

But only on Monday nights.

GEORGE

That's alright. Where...?

INT. MAMA ROMA'S - NIGHT

Mama Roma's, a dark Italian restaurant with red booths, wise

guys, and cigarette smoke.

The Maitre'd guides George to a booth. A small BAND fills

the "stage" -- a six-foot space in the back of the room.

The lights dim. A BLARING ANNOUNCER speaks.

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

And now, Mama Roma's is proud to

present International Singing

Sensation... a man who has sold more

records than Elvis and the Beatles

combined...

George is skeptical.

ANNOUNCER (V.O.) (cont'd)

Ladies and Gentlemen, Mr.

Entertainment... TONY CLIFTON!

The DRUMMER starts a drum roll. Patrons APPLAUD. A LIGHT

SPOT hits the entrance area... and nobody enters. The spot

is waiting... waiting... still waiting... until the drum

roll slows down and stops. The announcer BOOMS again.

ANNOUNCER (V.O.) (cont'd)

Ladies and Gentlemen, out of respect

for Mr. Clifton's vocal demands,

could everyone please extinguish

your cigarettes and cigars.

The crowd GRUMBLES angrily -- then irritably complies. One

ANGRY GUY thrusts his cigar into a water glass.

ANGRY GUY

Goddamn, I paid five dollars for

this.

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

And now! A man who needs no

introduction... TONY CLIFTON!

The band starts playing lounge standard "VOLARE". And then,

obnoxious TONY CLIFTON swaggers out. Tony has a rubbery

face, black wig and moustache, sunglasses, a padded belly,

and a peach tuxedo with blue shirt and velvet piping.

Tony stops, smirks at the audience, and sucks on a

cigarette. He blows smoke rings at them.

TONY CLIFTON

Heh-heh. How ya all doin'?

The crowd is furious.

ANGRY GUY

Fuck you!

People light back up and start talking. Tony ignores the

ruckus. He starts SINGING, pinched and off-key.

TONY CLIFTON

(singing)

"Volare!

Whoa, whoa.

Cantare,

Whoa whoa whoa whoa."

George winces. He's horrible.

TONY CLIFTON (cont'd)

(singing)

"I got the wings of your love,

I got the wings of a dove.

I got the... uh...

(forgetting the

words)

... the chicken wings from

Eh, Kentucky Fried..."

The band is lost.

TONY CLIFTON (cont'd)

Oh. Whoop do doo,

Whoop de di,

Stick a needle in your eye...

The band gives up and stops.

TONY CLIFTON (cont'd)

Eh, the hell with that song.

One person CLAPS. Most BOO.

TONY CLIFTON (cont'd)

So how ya doin'!

(leering)

How ya doin' over here? How ya

doin' over there?

(he approaches a

WOMAN)

How's that pasta carbonara?

WOMAN

Leave me alone.

TONY CLIFTON

Okay!

(he spins around)

So, you havin' a good time, sir?!

Tony approaches a LONELY SAD SACK sitting at the bar. Tony

thrusts his mike at the guy.

SAD SACK

Sure...

TONY CLIFTON

What's your name?

SAD SACK

Bob.

TONY CLIFTON

(he reacts as if

this is enormously

funny)

"Bob"? BOB! Bob bob bob.

(beat)

Bob what?

SAD SACK

Bob Gorsky.

TONY CLIFTON

"Gorsky"? What is that, Polish?

SAD SACK

(meek)