Men in Black

 

 

Screenplay by                     Ed Solomon

 

Produced by                       Walter F. Parkes

                                     Laurie MacDonald

 

Directed by                       Barry Sonnenfeld

 

 

 

Cast List:

 

Tommy Lee Jones              K

Will Smith                      J

Linda Fiorentino               Laurel

Vincent D'Onofrio             Edgar

Rip Torn                          Zed

Tony Shalhoub                          Jeebs

Siobhan Fallon                          Beatrice

Mike Nussbaum                         Gentle Rosenberg

Richard Hamilton             D

Keith Campbell                         Perb

John Alexander                         Mikey

 

 

 

 

EXT. ROAD – TEXAS / MEXICO BORDER – NIGHT

 

A million stars wink in the night desert sky. Down here on earth, an insect, one of those big, beautiful, multicolored four-winged jobs, glides effortlessly on the breeze, wafting along through the crisp Texas air.

 

The insect dips, it banks, it does loop-the-loops – and then SPLATS unceremoniously against the windshield of a white van that's tearing down the road.

 

 

INT. VAN – TEXAS / MEXICO BORDER – NIGHT

 

The DRIVER of the van, a fifty-year-old American, turns on the wipers, smearing the remains all over.

 

DRIVER

Goddamn bugs.

 

He squirts some wiper fluid onto the glass, which clears it up a bit, but now he sees something worse up ahead. It's a grouping of headlights, eight of them, all pointed at him, sealing off the road.

 

He bites his lip and calls over his shoulder, to the back of the van. He speaks in Spanish, which is subtitled.

 

DRIVER (CONT'D)

Deja me hablar.

(Let me do the talking)

 

 

EXT. ROAD – TEXAS / MEXICO BORDER – NIGHT

 

The van slows to a stop in front of the parked cars, all government-issue four doors with "INS" stenciled on the sides. Seven or eight INS AGENTS stand in front of the cars imposingly. Their apparent leader steps forward and comes to the window.

 

The Driver rolls it down. AGENT JANUS, blonde-haired, blue-eyed, also government issue, looks at him and sighs.

 

AGENT JANUS

Well. Nick the Dick. What a surprise. Where you comin' from?

 

DRIVER

I was fishing in Cuernavaca.

 

AGENT JANUS

Sure you were. What do you say we have a look at your catch?

 

 

AT THE BACK OF THE VAN

 

The Agents fling open the rear doors, revealing a DOZEN FRIGHTENED MEXICANS, hopeful immigrants without official permission. Agent Janus looks at the Driver, who's now held by two other Agents, and shakes his head.

 

AGENT JANUS

Me, I woulda thrown 'em back.

(to the passengers, in Spanish)

Vamanos. Fuera. Hagan una lina!

(Let's go. Out. Form a line!)

 

They pile out of the van. Some are parents with small children.

 

AGENT JANUS (CONT'D)

What do you get, Nick? Hundred bucks a head? Two hundred? I hope you saved it all for your lawyer, pal, 'cause you're gonna need –

 

He stops in the middle of his sentence, as another car is approaching, fast, its engine WHINING as it barrels down the road toward them. Several Agents pull their weapons.

 

The new car pulls a hard right, goes off the road, spins around the INS cars, and SQUEALS to a sideways halt, silhouetted in front of their headlights. It's a boxy, black 1986 Ford LTD.

 

TWO MEN get out, dressed in plain black suits, crisp white shirts, simple black ties, shiny black shoes. KAY, fiftyish, is the apotheosis of world-weary; his partner, DEE, mid-sixties, is just weary. They approach the INS agents.

 

KAY

We'll take it from here.

 

AGENT JANUS

Who the hell are you?

 

Kay and Dee flash some form of ID.

 

KAY

INS Division 6.

 

AGENT JANUS

Division 6? I never heard of Division 6.

 

KAY

Really?

 

Kay and Dee move past him and approach the row of nervous immigrants.

 

KAY (CONT'D)

What're we thinking, Dee?

 

DEE

Tough call, Kay.

 

He walks down the row, studying the faces, greeting each one cheerily in Spanish.

 

KAY

!Oye! Que pasa, coma estas? Hey!

(What's up, how are you?)

No se preocupe, abuela. Bienvenida a los Estados Unidos.

(Don't worry grandma. Welcome to the United States.)

(next)

A donde vas? San Antonio? Buscando trabajo, no? Buena suerta.

(Where are you going? San Antonio? Looking for work, aren't you? Good luck.)

(next)

Es un placer verle aqui.

(It's a pleasure seeing you here.)

 

One by one, their faces relax, reassured by Kay's calm demeanor. When he reaches the fifth Guy, he keeps the same cheery tone, but:

 

KAY (CONT'D)

Que dices si te rompo la cara?

(What do you say if I break your face?)

 

The Guy smiles and nods. Kay stops. His own smile broadens and he drops a hand on the Guy's shoulder.

 

KAY (CONT'D)

No hablas ni una palabra del Espanol, verdad, amigo?

(You don't speak a word of Spanish, right, friend?)

 

Again, the Guy smiles and nods. Kay looks back at Dee.

 

KAY (CONT'D)

We got a winner.

(to the others)

Los restos estan libres a irse. Largense!

(The rest of you are free to go. Scram!)

 

AGENT JANUS

Sir!

 

KAY

Tomen el camion, y vayeuse.

(Get on the road and go.)

 

AGENT JANUS

Sir, you can't just –

 

KAY

Don't "Sir" me! You have no idea who you're dealing with!

 

Silence on the road. The Driver grins, jumps back in the front seat of the van. The others pile into the rear and they tear out of there.

 

KAY (CONT'D)

(to Janus)

We're gonna have a little chat with our friend here. You boys can hit the road... and keep on protecting us from dangerous aliens.

 

Kay and Dee escort their captive across the road and over a small rise, leaving the stunned INS agents standing alone in the roadway.

 

AGENT JANUS

You ever heard of Division 6?

 

2ND INS AGENT

There is no Division 6.

 

3RD INS AGENT

Who are those guys?

 

 

EXT. DESERT CLEARING – NIGHT

 

Kay and Dee lead their captive into a clearing in the desert brush. Dee pulls an enormous handgun from a shoulder holster and stays a pace or two off, covering him. Kay has an arm draped around the man's shoulders.

 

KAY

I think you jumped off the bus in the wrong part of town, amigo. In fact, I'll bet dollars to pesos that you're not –

 

He pulls out a small laser device, which he ZIPS neatly down the front of the man's clothes.

 

KAY (CONT'D)

– from anywhere near here.

 

The man's clothes fall to the ground, revealing what he really is underneath – A SCALY SPACE BASTARD, about four-and-a-half feet tall, with a snouth, snail-like tentacles, and independently moving eyes on stalks at the top of his head.

 

The only part of his camouflage not crumpled to the ground is the humanesque "head," which he still lamely holds in one of his hands. It's propped up by a stick, like a puppet, and it continues to make expressions as he holds it.

 

KAY (CONT'D)

Mikey?! When did they let you out of jail?

 

MIKEY replies – an unfathomable combination of GRUNTS, SQUEAKS, and saliva.

 

KAY (CONT'D)

Political refugee. Right.

 

DEE

You know how many treaty articles you've just violated?

 

Mikey makes a lame SQUEAK.

 

KAY

One, my ass. Try seven.

 

DEE

From unauthorized immigration to failure to properly inoculate prior to landing.

 

KAY

(off Mikey's objections)

Okay, that's enough. Hand me your head and put up your arms.

 

From behind Mikey, they hear a terrified GASP.

 

Kay and Dee both look over quickly. One of the alien's eyes, on a tall stalk, whips around too. All three of them see Agent Janus, standing just over the rise, staring in frozen amazement.

 

KAY (CONT'D)

Ah, shit.

 

Agent Janus SCREAMS. Mikey rips free of the rest of the "Mexican" disguise, knocks Dee out of the way, and takes off straight at Janus, SCREECHING a horrible Space Bastard screech. Janus freezes, terrified.

 

KAY (CONT'D)

Dee! Shoot him!

 

Dee struggles to roll over and change the controls on his gun, which fell out of his hand as he hit the ground.

 

KAY (CONT'D)

Dee, for Christ's –

 

Mikey keeps moving, covering the last few yards to Janus quickly. He steps on a rock, launches himself into the air, his dripping jaws cranked wide open –

 

– there is a SIZZLING sound, a brilliant white flash –

 

– and Mikey ERUPTS in a geyser of blue goo that splatters all over the ground, the trees, and Agent Janus' face. Behind where Mikey was, Kay stands, smoking weapon in hand.

 

 

EXT. ROAD – TEXAS / MEXICO BORDER – NIGHT

 

On the road, the INS Agents pull their guns and run toward the rise.

 

 

EXT. DESERT CLEARING – NIGHT

 

Kay has an arm around Janus, whom he is leading further into the clearing. Janus is white, shaking, eyes like silver dollars.

 

AGENT JANUS

Th – th – th –

 

KAY

(helping)

"That."

 

AGENT JANUS

That wasn't – wasn't – wasn't –

 

KAY

Human, I know. Oops. Got some entrails on you.

 

He takes out a handkerchief and wipes off the Agent's face. As he does, Janus looks back to where Mikey blew up. Then at Kay. And then up at the stars.

 

The other INS Agents burst over the rise, SHOUTING questions.

 

KAY

Okay, everybody, situation's under control, calm down. If you'll just give me your attention for a moment I'll tell you what happened.

 

From over the rise, car engines WHINE in the distance and headlights start to flash around them. Kay reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tubular metallic device the size of a pocket recorder. He checks his watch, figures in his head, then dials an electronic counter on the side of the device up to "08."

 

KAY (CONT'D)

This is called a "neuralyzer." A gift from some friends from out of town. The red eye here isolates and measures the electronic impulses in your brain. More specifically, the ones for memory.

 

Behind him, six more MEN IN BLACK, all wearing black suits and sunglasses, come over the hill. Kay barks a few orders to them.

 

KAY (CONT'D)

Gimme a splay burn on the perimeter, please; holes at 40, 60, and 80.

 

2ND INS AGENT

What in the hell is going on?!

 

KAY

Exactly the right question. And the answer lies right – here. Pay attention.

 

JANUS

Who are you, really?

 

KAY

Really? I'm just a figment of your imagination.

 

He holds up the neuralyzer. The Agents peer closely at it. Kay reaches into his pocket, puts on his own black sunglasses –

 

– and pushes a button on the side of the neuralyzer. A BLINDING FLASH a tenth of a second long sears the Agents' eyeballs. They stare blankly.

 

KAY (CONT'D)

God, we're a gullible breed.

 

Behind him, TONGUES OF FIRE blast from a flame thrower held by one of the Men in Black. Kay looks back at the INS Agents, who are just coming around, as if awakening from a concussion.

 

KAY (CONT'D)

I mean it, fellas, you are lucky to be alive after a blast like that.

 

The Agents look around, confused.

 

AGENT JANUS

What – blast?

 

Kay gestures behind him, where the Men in Black are now using fire extinguishers to douse the flames they themselves started.

 

KAY

Underground gas vein, genius. You guys need to exercise more caution before discharging your firearms.

 

He jabs a finger into Janus' chest.

 

KAY (CONT'D)

Especially you.

 

Dee has moved away from them all and is sitting on a rock, staring up at the night sky, his sunglasses dangling idly from one hand. Kay steps away from the group and finds him. He sits down next to him.

 

DEE

I'm sorry. About...back there.

 

KAY

Happens.

 

DEE

Didn't used to.

 

He holds up his hands, which tremble with age.

 

DEE (CONT'D)

The spirit's willing, Kay, but the rest of me...

 

He looks up, at the million stars shining overhead.

 

DEE (CONT'D)

They're beautiful, aren't they?

 

KAY

What?

 

DEE

The stars. We never just – look. Anymore.

(back to Kay)

I'll tell ya, Kay. I will miss the chase.

 

Kay pulls his neuralyzer from his pocket and looks down at it.

 

KAY

No. You won't.

 

 

EXT. GRAND CENTRAL STATION – SOUTHERN EXPOSURE – NIGHT

 

A shot of the clock on the Station's stately southern exposure.

 

 

WE PAN DOWN TO...

 

A pair of feet running. They belong to a man we will know as the PERPETRATOR. As we track with him, he SPEEDS UP and OUT OF FRAME.

 

A new set of feet come into frame. These belong to JAMES EDWARDS, a NYC Cop in undercover street clothes. In the BACKGROUND, about ten feet behind, are two other cops, trying to keep up.

 

Edwards is a lot faster, though. He pulls out his badge that hangs from a chain under his shirt.

 

EDWARDS

Stop! NYPD!

 

He continues running, out of frame, and we stay on one of the other COPS, overweight, who gives up the chase and drops to his knees, heaving air.

 

COP

All yours, Edwards!

 

The Cop fumbles in his pocket for a pack of cigarettes.

 

 

TRACK WITH EDWARDS AND THE PERP

 

As they run down the bridge that traverses Park Avenue in the low Forties.

 

The Perp veers to the left and, seemingly oblivious to the fact that it's a thirty-foot drop, he hurdles the guard rail, and drops to Forty-first Street below.

 

Edwards is surprised by this maneuver, but doesn't waste a second. He, too, hurdles the guard rail and lands on...

 

 

EXT. 41ST STREET AND PARK AVENUE – NIGHT

 

A DOUBLE-DECKER BUS, one of those cheesy sightseers that hold up midtown traffic. The bus, of course, is completely filled with JAPANESE TOURISTS, and it seems like every single one of them has a video camera.

 

Edwards pushes through the crowd...

 

EDWARDS

Grand Central Station off to your left, folks...

 

With the bus still moving, he scrambles down the circular stairs and runs out through the side door.

 

He spots the Perp, sailing east on Forty-first Street.

 

EDWARDS

Dammit, man, you're making me sweat up my gear!

 

Edwards spots one of those New York Post delivery trucks, the kind with the open back door, rumbling by. He runs and jumps into the back.

 

 

EXT. FIFTH AVENUE – NIGHT

 

The Perp, meanwhile, is running at top speed, when Edwards glides into frame, leaning off the back of the truck.

 

EDWARDS

Yo, man, your luck just ran out.

 

He leaps from the back of the moving truck and tackles the Perp.

 

The Perp, now straddled by Edwards, is terrified.

 

PERP

He's coming! He's coming!

 

EDWARDS

And when he gets here, I'll kick his ass too.

 

Edwards is about to slap the cuffs on him, when the Perp blinks. Nothing unusual about that, but then another set of translucent, milky white eyelids, underneath his regular eyelids, blinks also.

 

Edwards is thrown for a moment, which is all the time the Perp needs to pull out...

 

His WEAPON, which is the strangest looking gun you've ever seen. Reacting quickly, Edwards bats it out of the Perp's hand.

 

The weapon smashes into the stone wall surrounding Central Park and SHATTERS into a million pieces.

 

EDWARDS

What the...

 

WHOMP! The Perp kicks him in the nuts, then scrambles to his feet and takes off again. Edwards staggers after him, in pain.

 

The Perp leaps over a moving car, towards the GUGGENHEIM MUSEUM. Edwards tries to follow, but a bus pulls in front of him. After it passes, the Perp is gone.

 

 

EXT. GUGGENHEIM MUSEUM – NIGHT

 

Edwards runs over to the Museum, leans over the wall that surrounds it, and in the next instant...

 

The Perp flies past him, having leapt from twenty feet down to the top of the Guggenheim. He scrambles up and over the ledge.

 

Edward reacts. He runs to the front door of the Museum, shoots it open and runs inside.

 

He runs from the rotunda up the grand ramp of the Guggenheim.

 

 

EXT. GUGGENHEIM MUSEUM – ROOF – NIGHT

 

On the roof, the Perp reaches the top, climbs over the edge, and CRUNCHES to the gravel surface. He leaps to his feet and races over to a door. It's locked.

 

He tugs on another. It's locked too. He pulls on a third. It swings open –

 

– revealing Edwards on the other side, breathing hard. He aims his weapon at the Perp.

 

EDWARDS

Wassup?

 

The Perp SCREAMS inhumanly and panics. He backpedals, toward the edge of the roof.

 

PERP

He's coming! He's coming because I failed, and now he'll kill me too!

 

EDWARDS

Stop!

 

PERP

You don't understand. Your world is gonna end.

 

But the Perp has backed right into the edge of the roof, and now he starts to fall over. The Perp blinks.

 

EDWARDS

What are you?!

 

The Perp looks down. He decides.

 

– and he falls, SCREAMING, to his death.

 

CUT TO:

 

 

INT. INTERROGATION ROOM – NIGHT

 

Edwards sits on one side of the table, a POLICE INSPECTOR and a UNIFORMED SERGEANT (the one who gave up the chase and lit a cigarette earlier), sit across from him.

 

INSPECTOR

Perpetrator then blinked two sets of eyelids. You mean blinked with both eyes?

 

EDWARDS

No, sir. He blinked once with one set, then again with another completely different set.

 

SERGEANT

Sort of a low beam, high beam.

 

INSPECTOR

Was that before or after he drew the weapon which you claim evaporated into a million pieces?

 

EDWARDS

After, sir.

 

INSPECTOR

And why do you suppose none of the other officers saw either of these two events?

 

EDWARDS

'Cause some of the other officers are a little soggy in the midsection. And they couldn't keep up, sir.

 

SERGEANT

Hey, Edwards, if you were half the man I am –

 

EDWARDS

What do you mean? I am half the man you are.

 

SERGEANT

What the hell is your problem?

 

EDWARDS

My problem is you being all up in my damn face all the time.

 

SERGEANT

I think he threw him off the roof. Ten minutes – your best shot.

 

INSPECTOR

(cutting off the Sergeant)

Sergeant. I want to talk to you outside. Now.

 

EDWARDS

You need ten minutes on a Stairmaster, you pudgy bastard.

 

 

INT. INTERROGATION ROOM – LATER – NIGHT

 

A woman sneaks into the room. DOCTOR LAUREL WEAVER, thirtyish, dark-haired, dark-eyed, general aura of darkness around her, stands above him. Laurel looks like she was just dragged out of bed (which she was) and saw a spaceman (which she did). She looks over her shoulder once, then whispers to him.

 

LAUREL

Laurel Weaver. Deputy Medical Examiner. I believe you. I opened him up. Find me at the morgue. On 26th. I'll tell you what I found.

 

EDWARDS

Hey... Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

 

LAUREL

(turning at the door)

You have really pretty eyes.

 

She hurries to turn the corner, but is STOPPED by someone who remains just offscreen.

 

VOICE (O.S.)

Dr. Weaver, from the coroner's office? Working on the John Doe?

 

Edwards twists in his chair, to get a better look. All he sees is Laurel, facing whoever it is in the hallway.

 

LAUREL

Yes. That's right.

 

VOICE (O.S.)

Would you look right here, please.

 

The Someone says something else and Laurel steps forward, now also out of Edwards's line of vision.

 

LAUREL (O.S.)

Look where?

 

Edwards stretches even further in his seat, when there is a blinding FLASH from the corridor. Really curious now, he starts to get up –

 

– when KAY steps into the room and closes the door behind him. Edwards rolls his eyes.

 

KAY

Some night, huh?

 

EDWARDS

Oh, yeah, some night.

 

He crosses to the door.

 

KAY

They were gills.

 

Edwards stops.

 

KAY

Not eyelids.

 

EDWARDS

Who are you?

 

KAY

Did he say anything to you?

 

EDWARDS

(scoffing)

Yeah, sure. He said the world was coming to an end.

 

KAY

Did he say when?

 

EDWARDS

You're kidding, right?

 

KAY

Would you recognize his weapon if you saw it again?

 

EDWARDS

Absolutely.

 

KAY

Let's take a ride.

 

EDWARDS

Wait a minute. I got a ton of paperwork.

 

KAY

It's all done.

 

At that point, the Inspector sticks his head in, smiles and gives Edwards the thumbs up.

 

INSPECTOR

Good work, Edwards.

 

Edwards looks at the Inspector, then at Kay. As they leave.

 

KAY

You ran that guy down on foot? That's tough. That's double tough.

 

CUT TO:

 

 

INT. FORD LTD – A MOMENT LATER – DRIVING

 

In a plain, boxy Ford, Kay drives, silent. He raises his hand and nods to a black MIB truck coming in the opposite direction.Edwards, in the passenger seat, is still in his undercover outfit.

 

EDWARDS

So who you with?

 

Kay says nothing.

 

EDWARDS (CONT'D)

You got the plain clothes, the government-issued wheels. Secret Service? CIA?

 

Kay remains utterly silent.

 

EDWARDS (CONT'D)

(referring to the car)

Yeah, well, whoever it is, you're short on funding.

 

KAY

Nothing is what it seems, kid.

 

EDWARDS

Oh, yeah, my bad '86 Ford LTD. That's a luxury ride. C'mon, who ya with?

 

Kay pulls the car to a stop.

 

KAY

I'm part of a secret organization that monitors and polices alien activity on earth.

 

Kay opens the door and gets out of the car. Edwards follows.

 

 

EXT. PAWN SHOP – NIGHT

 

Edwards looks around. Sees they're standing in front of a PAWN SHOP.

 

EDWARDS

This is where we're going?

 

They get out of the car.

 

EDWARDS (CONT'D)

Jack Jeebs? Guy buys from chain snatchers. Doesn't even sell guns.

 

KAY

Really?

 

EDWARDS

All right, you think it's worth shaking him up, fine. I'll do my thing. Then I want some answers.

 

KAY

Do your "thing," kid. Edwards goes inside.

 

 

INT. PAWN SHOP – NIGHT

 

JACK JEEBS is the sleazy, sarcastic proprietor of the Pawn Shop. He's not easily intimidated.

 

JEEBS

Officer Edwards. Oh, hey, geez, how'd these get here? I thought I turned 'em in to the proper authorities.

 

He casually brushes some Rolexes off the counter.

 

EDWARDS

Way I hear it, Jeebs, you into something a little hotter than some stolen Rolexes.

 

JEEBS

Sure – I'm a big crack dealer now. I just work here because I love the hours.

 

This pisses Edwards off. He grabs Jeebs by the collar.

 

EDWARDS

(getting angry)

I'm talking about guns, Jeebs. High-tech stuff.

 

JEEBS

C'mon, Edwards, whatcha see is what I got.

 

KAY (O.S.)

Why don't you show him the imports, Jeebs.

 

At the sound of Kay's voice, Jeebs suddenly pales, a look of fear coming over his face.

 

JEEBS

H-hiya Kay, how are you?

 

KAY

The imports, Jeebs. Now.

 

JEEBS

You know I got outta that business a long time ago, Kay.

 

KAY

Why do you lie to me? I hate it when you lie.

 

He pulls his own gun and aims it at Jeebs' forehead.

 

JEEBS

Whoa, whoa, Kay, hold on a minute here...

 

KAY

I'm going to count to three.

 

Edwards, seeing that Kay is getting somewhere, joins in the routine.

 

EDWARDS

He'll do it, Jeebs.

 

KAY</