Monty Python's Life of Brian

 

 

 

 

Screenplay by                              Graham Chapman

                                                   John Cleese

                                                   Terry Gilliam

                                                   Eric Idle

                                                   Terry Jones

                                                   Michael Palin

 

Produced by                                John Goldstone

 

Directed by                                 Terry Jones

 

 

 

 

Cast List:

 

Graham Chapman                      Brian Called Brian

Biggus Dickus

1st Wise Man

Terry Jones                               The Mother of Brian

The Virgin Mandy

Colin

Simon the Holy Man

Saintly Passer-By

Kenneth Colley                         Jesus the Christ

Gwen Taylor                              Mrs. Big Nose

Woman with Sick Donkey

Young Girl

Terence Bayler                         Gregory

Revolutionaries and Masked Commandos

Dennis

 

 

 

 

FADE IN:

 

 

Beneath a starry sky and angelic music ride THREE MEN (WISE MAN #1, WISE MAN #2, and WISE MAN #3) on camels. One particularly bright star comes to rest over the village of Bethlehem. The Men ride through this village in silence until they reach a lowly cow-shed, when they dismount, and enter carrying gifts. Inside sits an OLDISH WOMAN (MRS. COHEN) beside a manger containing a NEW-BORN CHILD (BRIAN). Neither notice such a rude intrusion. The men approach, still un-noticed until they are quite close to Mrs. Cohen where they stop.

 

Wise Man #1: Gold covers face.

 

Wise Man #2: White beard.

 

Wise Man #3: Short black beard

 

WISE MAN #1

Ahem.

 

MRS. COHEN

Waaah!

 

Mrs. Cohen falls off her seat in surprise

 

MRS. COHEN

Who are you?

 

WISE MAN #1

We are three wise men

 

MRS. COHEN

What?

 

WISE MAN #2

We are three wise men

 

MRS. COHEN

Well what are you doing creeping around a cow shed at 2 o'clock in the morning. That doesn't sound very wise to me.

 

WISE MAN #3

We are astrologers.

 

WISE MAN #1

We have come from the east.

 

MRS. COHEN

Is this some kind of joke?

 

WISE MAN #1

We wish to praise the infant.

 

WISE MAN #2

We must pay homage to him.

 

MRS. COHEN

Homage? You're drunk. It's disgusting. Out. The lot, out. Bursting in here with tales about oriental fortune tellers. Come on, out.

 

The three look quite confused at this reception, but back away all the same.

 

WISE MAN #1

Nono, we must see him.

 

MRS. COHEN

Go and praise someone elses brat. Go on.

 

WISE MAN #1

We, we were led by a star.

 

MRS. COHEN

Lead by a bottle more like, go on out.

 

WISE MAN #1

But we must see him, we have brought presents.

 

MRS. COHEN

Out.

 

WISE MAN #1

Gold, frankincence, mhyrr.

 

Mrs. Cohen of course beckons them in at the mention of these gifts. Well, wouldn't you?

 

MRS. COHEN

Well why didn't you say, he's over there. Sorry the place is a bit of a mess. Well, what is mhyrr anyway?

 

WISE MAN #1

It is a valuable balm.

 

MRS. COHEN

A balm, what are you giving him a balm for, it might bite 'im.

 

WISE MAN #1

What?

 

MRS. COHEN

That's a dangerous animal. Quick, throw it in the trough.

 

WISE MAN #1

No it isn't.

 

MRS. COHEN

Yes it is, it's great big.

 

Mrs. Cohen drastically changes her appearance to look like a great big.

 

WISE MAN #3

Nonono, it is an ointment

 

MRS. COHEN

Awww. There is an animal called a balm, or did I dream it? So you're astrologers are you? Well what is he then?

 

WISE MAN #2

Hmm?

 

MRS. COHEN

What star sign is he?

 

WISE MAN #2

Uhhh. Capricorn.

 

MRS. COHEN

Uhhh. Capricorn, eh? What are they like?

 

WISE MAN #2

He is the son of God, our messiah.

 

WISE MAN #1

King of the jews

 

MRS. COHEN

So that's capricorn, is it?

 

WISE MAN #2

Nonono, that's just him.

 

MRS. COHEN

Awww. I was gonna say, otherwise there'd be a lot of them.

 

WISE MAN #1

By what name are you calling him?

 

MRS. COHEN

Uh. Brian

 

WISE MEN

(alltogether)

We worship you, oh Brian who are lord over us all. Praise unto you Brian, and to the lord, our father. Amen.

 

MRS. COHEN

You do a lot of this then?

 

WISE MAN #2

What?

 

MRS. COHEN

This praising.

 

WISE MAN #2

No no, no no.

 

MRS. COHEN

Well, if you're dropping by again, do pop in, huh. And thanx a lot for the gold, and frankincence, but don't worry too much about the mhyrr next time all right, huh? Thank you. Good bye. Well, weren't they nice, hmm. Out of their bloody minds, still...

 

The wise men ventuer outside, and stop suddenly at the doorway. They then return to Mrs. Cohen, and proceed to take back their presents, as she talks to Brian. Wise Man #3 pushes her back over as he takes his gift.

 

MRS. COHEN

Look at that, hoo hoo hoo. Here! Here! Here, that... That's mine! He, hey, he! Aww.

 

To the sound of angelic musiv, we see the wise men outside where they can see another cow shed with a few people with strange bright light coming from their heads. The scene changes back to Mrs. Cohen in the shed with her son.

 

BRIAN

Waaah.

 

MRS. COHEN

Shaddup!

  

 

CREDITS

 

TITLE SONG

Brian. The babe they call Brian.

He grew. Grew grew and grew,

Grew up to be, grew up to be

A boy called Brian.

A boy called Brian.

 

He had arms and legs and hands and feet.

This boy whose name was Brian.

And he grew, grew, grew and grew.

Grew up to be

Yes he grew up to be

A teenager called Brian.

A teenager called Brian.

And his face became spotty.

Yes, his face became spotty.

And his voice dropped down low.

And things started to grow.

On young Brian and show

He was suddenly no

No girl named Brian.

Not a girl named Brian.

 

And he started to shave.

And have one off the wrist.

And want to see girls.

And go out and get pissed.

A man called Brian.

This man called Brian.

The man they call Brian.

This man called Brian!

 

We can see a group of people walking up a hillside to where a figure is standing on a mount oraculating

 

 

TITEL CARD:

 

"JUDEA A.D.33

SATURDAY AFTERNOON

ABOUT TEA TIME"

 

JESUS

How blessed are the sorrowful; they shall find consolation.

How blessed are those of gentle spirit; they shall have the earth for their possession.

How blessed are those who hunger, and thirst to see right prevail;

They shall be satisfied...

 

The camera slowly pulls back until JESUS can hardly be heard. Here we can see Mrs. Cohen and Brian now 33 years old (she hasn't aged a bit)

 

MRS. COHEN

Speak up!

 

BRIAN

Ssssh. Quiet mum.

 

MRS. COHEN

Well I can't hear a thing. Let's go to stoning.

 

We can now see a few group of people around the area... a MAN (BIGNOSE), and his wife (BIGNOSES WIFE); A JEW, and HIS WIFE; and a man called TROUBLE for reasons which shall soon become clear.

 

BIGNOSE

Sssh.

 

BRIAN

You can go to the stoning any time.

 

MRS. COHEN

Oh come on Brian.

 

BIGNOSE

Will you be quiet!

 

BIGNOSES WIFE

Don't pick yer nose.

 

BIGNOSE

I wasn't picking my nose. I was scratching it.

 

BIGNOSES WIFE

You was picking it... while you was talking to that lady.

 

BIGNOSE

I wasn't.

 

BIGNOSES WIFE

Leave it alone. Give it a rest.

 

TROUBLE

Do you mind? I can't hear a word he's saying.

 

BIGNOSES WIFE

Don't you 'Do you mind' me. I was talking to my husband.

 

TROUBLE

Well go and talk to him somewhere else... I can't hear a bloody thing.

 

BIGNOSE

Don't you swear at my wife.

 

TROUBLE

I was only asking her to shut up so I could hear what he was saying Bignose.

 

BIGNOSES WIFE

Don't you call my husband Bignose.

 

TROUBLE

Well he has got a big nose.

 

JEW

Could you be quite, please.

(to trouble)

What was that?

 

TROUBLE

I don't know... I was too busy talking to bignose.

 

MAN

I think it was 'Blessed are the cheese-makers'.

 

JEW'S WIFE

Ah. What's so special about the cheese-makers?

 

JEW

Well obviously it's not meant to be taken literally, it refers to any manufacturers of dairy products.

 

TROUBLE

See. If you hadn't been going on, we'd have heard that, Bignose.

 

BIGNOSE

Hey. Say that once more, I'll smash your bloody face in.

 

TROUBLE

Better keep listening. There might be a bit about blessed are the bignoses.

 

BRIAN

Oh lay off him.

 

TROUBLE

Well you're not so bad yourself, conch-face. Where are you two from? Nose city?

 

BIGNOSE

One more time, mate. I'll take you to the fuckin' cleaners.

 

BIGNOSES WIFE

Language... and don't pick your nose.                                

 

BIGNOSE

I wasn't going to pick my nose, I was going to thump him.

 

MAN #2

Hear that? Blessed are the greek.

 

JEW

The greek?

 

MAN #2

Well apparently, he's going to inherit the earth.

 

JEW

Did anyone catch his name?

 

BIGNOSES WIFE

You're not going to thump anybody.

 

BIGNOSE

I'll thump him if he calls me bignose again.

 

TROUBLE

Oh shut up Bignose.

 

BIGNOSE

Ah. Orright. I warned you. I really will slug you so hard...

 

Meanwhile his wife is talking to another man beside her getting the real story.

 

BIGNOSES WIFE

Oh it's the Meek! Blessed are the meek! Oh that's nice innit. I'm glad they're getting something 'cause they have a hell of a time.

 

TROUBLE

Listen. I'm only telling the truth... you have got a very big nose.

 

BIGNOSE

Hey. Your nose is gonna be three feet wide across your face by the time I've finished with you.

 

MAN

Sssssh.

 

TROUBLE

Who hit yours then? Goliath's big brother?

 

BIGNOSE

Oh. Right. That's your last warning

 

JEW'S WIFE

Oh do pipe down.

 

She abruptly get hit in the face by Bignose!!!

 

JEW'S WIFE

Oh!

 

A fight breaks out, which eventually involves a few people in the area

 

MRS. COHEN

Oh come on... let's go to the stoning.

 

BRIAN

All right.

 

Brian notices a GROUP OF PEOPLE in black walking by him, including a rather attractive WOMAN.

 

FRANCIS WELL

Blessed is just about everyone with a vested interest in the status quo as far as I can tell, Reg.

 

REG

Yeah, well what Jesus blaitently fails to appreciate is it's the meek who are the problem.<