Monty Python's Meaning of Life

 

 

 

Screenplay by       Graham Chapman

      John Cleese

      Terry Gilliam

      Eric Idle

      Terry Jones

      Michael Palin

 

Produced by      John Goldstone

 

Directed by       Terry Jones

 

 

 

Cast List:

 

Graham Chapman    First Fish

Tony

John Cleese      Second Fish

Grim

Carol Cleveland      Waitress

Myrtle Devenish      Matt Frewer

Terry Gilliam      Third Fish

Eric Idle        Fourth Fish

Terry Jones     Fifth Fish

Michael Palin      Sixth Fish

Lady

 

 

 

 

 

FADE IN:

 

 

FIRST FISH

Morning.

 

SECOND FISH

Morning.

 

THIRD FISH

Morning.

 

FOURTH FISH

Morning.

 

THIRD FISH

Morning.

 

FIRST FISH

Morning.

 

SECOND FISH

Morning.

 

FOURTH FISH

What's new?

 

FIRST FISH

Not much.

 

FIFTH & SIXTH FISH

Morning.

 

THE OTHERS

Morning, morning, morning.

 

FIRST FISH

Frank was just asking what's new.

 

FIFTH FISH

Was he?

 

FIRST FISH

Yeah. Uh huh...

 

THIRD FISH

Hey, look. Howard's being eaten.

 

SECOND FISH

Is he?

 

They move forward to watch a waiter serving a large grilled fish to a large man.

 

SECOND FISH

Makes you think doesn't it?

 

FOURTH FISH

I mean... what's it all about?

 

FIFTH FISH

Beats me.

 

Why are we here, what is life all about?

Is God really real, or is there some doubt?

Well tonight we're going to sort it all out,

For tonight it's the Meaning of Life.

 

What's the point of all these hoax?

Is it the chicken and egg time, are we all just yolks?

Or perhaps, we're just one of God's little jokes,

Well ca c'est the Meaning of Life.

 

Is life just a game where we make up the rules

While we're searching for something to say

Or are we just simple spiraling coils

Of self-replicating DNA?

 

What is life? What is our fate?

Is there Heaven and Hell? Do we reincarnate?

Is mankind evolving or is it too late?

Well tonight here's the Meaning of Life.

 

For millions this life is a sad vale of tears

Sitting round with really nothing to say

While scientists say we're just simply spiraling coils

Of self-replicating DNA.

 

So just why, why are we here?

And just what, what, what, what do we fear?

Well ce soir, for a change, it will all be made clear,

For this is the Meaning of Life – c'est le sens de la vie –

This is the Meaning of Life.

 

 

"THE MEANING OF LIFE

PART I

THE MIRACLE OF BIRTH"

 

Hospital corridor. A MOTHER-TO-BE is being wheeled very fast down the corridor on a trolley, which crashes through several sets of doors. A NURSE with her slips into a consultant's room, where ONE DOCTOR is throwing beer mats through the crooked arm of ANOTHER.

 

FIRST DOCTOR

One thousand and eight!

 

NURSE

Mrs. Moore's contractions are more frequent, doctor.

 

FIRST DOCTOR

Good. Take her into the fetus-frightening room.

 

NURSE

Right.

 

They pass through the delivery room.

 

FIRST DOCTOR

Bit bare in here today. isn't it?

 

SECOND DOCTOR

Yeees.

 

FIRST DOCTOR

More apparatus please, nurse.

 

NURSE

Yes doctor.

 

FIRST DOCTOR

Yes, the EEG, the BP monitor and the AVV, please.

 

SECOND DOCTOR

And get the machine that goes 'Ping'!

 

FIRST DOCTOR

And get the most expensive machines in case the administrator comes.

 

Apparatus starts pouring into the room. The mother is lost behind various bits of equipment.

 

FIRST DOCTOR

That's better, that's much better.

 

SECOND DOCTOR

Yeeees. More like it.

 

FIRST DOCTOR

Still something missing, though.

 

They think hard for a few moments.

 

First & Second Doctors

Patient?

 

SECOND DOCTOR

Where's the patient?

 

FIRST DOCTOR

Anyone seen the patient?

 

SECOND DOCTOR

Patient!

 

NURSE

Ah, here she is.

 

FIRST DOCTOR

Bring her round.

 

SECOND DOCTOR

Mind the machine!

 

FIRST DOCTOR

Come along!

 

SECOND DOCTOR

Jump up there. Hup!

 

FIRST DOCTOR

Hallo! Now, don't you worry.

 

SECOND DOCTOR

We'll soon have you cured.

 

FIRST DOCTOR

Leave it all to us, you'll never know what hit you.

 

First & Second Doctors

Goodbye, goodbye! Drips up! Injections.

 

SECOND DOCTOR

Can I put the tube in the baby's head?

 

FIRST DOCTOR

Only if I can do the epesiotomy.

 

SECOND DOCTOR

Okay.

 

FIRST DOCTOR

Now, legs up.

 

The legs are put in the stirrups, while the Doctors open the doors opposite.

 

First & Second Doctors

Come on. Come on, all of you. That's it, jolly good. Come on. Come on. Spread round there.

 

A small HORDE enters, largely medical but with TWO JAPANESE with cameras and video equipment. The first doctor bumps into a man.

 

FIRST DOCTOR

Who are you?

 

MAN

I'm the husband.

 

FIRST DOCTOR

I'm sorry. only people involved are allowed in here.

 

The husband leaves.

 

Mrs. Moore

What do I do?

 

SECOND DOCTOR

Yes?

 

MRS. Moore

What's that for?

 

She points to a machine.

 

FIRST DOCTOR

That's the machine that goes 'Ping'!

 

It goes 'Ping'.

 

FIRST DOCTOR

You see. It means that your baby is still alive.

 

SECOND DOCTOR

And that's the most expensive machine in the whole hospital.

 

FIRST DOCTOR

Yes, it cost over three quarters of a million pounds.

 

SECOND DOCTOR

Aren't you lucky!

 

NURSE

The administrator's here, doctor.

 

FIRST DOCTOR

Switch everything on!

 

They do so. Everything flashes and beeps and thuds. Enter the ADMINISTRATOR...

 

Administrator

Morning, gentlemen.

 

First & Second Doctors

Morning Mr. Pycroft.

 

ADMINISTRATOR

Very impressive. What are you doing this morning?

 

FIRST DOCTOR

It's a birth.

 

ADMINISTRATOR

And what sort of thing is that?

 

SECOND DOCTOR

Well, that's when we take a new baby out of a lady's tummy.

 

ADMINISTRATOR

Wonderful what we can do nowadays. Ah! I see you have the machine that goes 'Ping'. This is my favourite. You see we lease this back to the company we sold it to. That way it comes under the monthly current budget and not the capital account.

(they all applaud)

Thank you, thank you. We try to do our best. Well, do carry on.

 

He leaves.

 

NURSE

Oh, the vulva's dilating, doctor.

 

FIRST DOCTOR

Yes, there's the head. Yes, four centimetres, five, six centimetres...

 

First & Second Doctors

Lights! Amplify the ping machine. Masks up! Suction! Eyes down for a full house! Here it comes!

 

The BABY arrives.

 

FIRST DOCTOR

And frighten it!

 

They grab the baby, hold it upside down, slap it, poke tubes up its nose, hose it with cold water. Then the baby is placed on a wooden chopping block and the umbilicus severed with a chopper.

 

FIRST DOCTOR

And the rough towels!

 

It is dried with rough towels.

 

FIRST DOCTOR

Show it to the mother.

 

It is shown to the mother.

 

First & Second Doctors

That's enough! Right. Sedate her, number the child. Measure it, blood type it and... isolate it.

 

NURSE

OK, show's over.

 

MRS. Moore

Is it a boy or a girl?

 

FIRST DOCTOR

Now I think it's a little early to start imposing roles on it, don't you? Now a world of advice. You may find that you suffer for some time a totally irrational feeling of depression. PND is what we doctors call it. So it's lots of happy pills for you, and you can find out all about the birth when you get home. It's available on Betamax, VHS and Super 8.

 

 

"THE MEANING OF LIFE

THE MIRACLE OF BIRTH

THE THIRD WORLD"

 

 

TITLE CARD: "Yorkshire"

 

A northern street. DAD is marching home. We see his house. A STORK lies above it, and drops a BABY down the chimney.

 

DAD

Oh bloody hell.

 

Inside the house, a PREGNANT WOMAN is at the sink. With a cry a new-born BABY, complete with umbilical cord, drops from between her legs onto the floor.

 

MOTHER

Get that would you, Deirdre...

 

GIRL

All right, Mum.

 

The GIRL takes the baby. Mum carries on.

 

Dad comes up to the door and pushes it open sadly. Inside there are at least FORTY CHILDREN, of various ages, packed into the living room.

 

MUM

(with tray)

Whose teatime is it?

 

Scores of Voices

Me, mum...

 

MUM

Vincent, Tessa, Valerie, Janine, Martha, Andrew, Thomas, Walter, Pat, Linda, Michael, Evadne, Alice, Dominique, and Sasha... it's your bedtime!

 

Children

(all together)

Oh, Mum!

 

MUM

Don't argue... Laura, Alfred, Nigel, Annie, Simon, Amanda...

 

DAD

Wait...

 

They all listen.

 

DAD

I've got something to tell the whole family.

 

All stop... A buzz of excitement.

 

MUM

(to her nearest son)

Quick... go and get the others in, Gordon!

 

Gordon goes out. Another twenty or so CHILDREN enter the room. They squash in at the back as best they can.

 

DAD

The mill's closed. There's no more work, we're destitute.

 

Lots of cries of 'Oh no!'... 'Cripes'... 'Heck'... from around the room.

 

DAD

I've got no option but to sell you all for scientific experiments.

(the children protest with heart-rending pleas.)

No no, that's the way it is my loves... Blame the Catholic church for not letting me wear one of those little rubber things... Oh they've done some wonderful things in their time, they preserved the might and majesty, even the mystery of the Church of Rome, the sanctity of the sacrament and the indivisible oneness of the Trinity, but if they'd let me wear one of the little rubber things on the end of my cock we wouldn't be in the mess we are now.

 

Little Boy

Couldn't Mummy have worn some sort of pessary?

 

DAD

Not if we're going to remain members of the fastest growing religion in the world, my boy... You see, we believe... well, let me put it like this...

(starts singing)

There are Jews in the world,

There are Buddhists,

There are Hindus and Mormons and then,

There are those that follow Mohammed,

But I've never been one of them...

 

I'm a Roman Catholic,

And have been since before I was born,

And the one thing they say about Catholics,

Is they'll take you as soon as you're warm...

 

You don't have to be a six-footer,

You don't have to have a great brain,

You don't have to have any clothes on –

You're a Catholic the minute Dad came...

 

Because...

 

Every sperm is sacred,

Every sperm is great,

If a sperm is wasted,

God gets quite irate.

 

Children

Every sperm is sacred,

Every sperm is great,

If a sperm is wasted,

God gets quite irate.

 

Child

(solo)

Let the heathen spill theirs,

On the dusty ground,

God shall make them pay for,

Each sperm that can't be found.

 

Children

Every sperm is wanted,

Every sperm is good,

Every sperm is needed,

In your neighbourhood.

 

MUM

(solo)

Hindu, Taoist, Mormon,

Spill theirs just anywhere,

But God loves those who treat their

Semen with more care.

 

Men neighbours

(peering out of toilets)

Every sperm is sacred,

Every sperm is great,

 

Women neighbours

(on walll)

If a sperm is wasted,

 

Children

God get quite irate.

 

Priest

(in church)

Every sperm is sacred,

 

Bride and Groom

Every sperm is good.

 

Nannies

Every sperm is needed.

 

Cardinals

(in prams)

In your neighbourhood!

 

Children

Every sperm is useful,

Every sperm is fine,

 

Funeral Cortege

God needs everybody's.

 

First Mourner

Mine!

 

Lady Mourner

And mine!

 

Corpse

And mine!

 

NUN

(solo)

Though the pagans spill theirs,

O'er mountain, hill and plain,

 

Various artefacts

(in a roman catholic souvenir shop)

God shall strike them down for

Each sperm that's spilt in vain.

 

Everybody

Every sperm is sacred,

Every sperm is good,

Every sperm is needed,

In your neighbourhood.

 

Even more than everybody, including two fire-eaters, a juggler, a clown at a piano and a stilt-walker riding a bicycle

Every sperm is sacred,

Every sperm is great,

If a sperm is wasted,

God gets quite irate.

 

Everybody cheers (including the fire-eaters, the juggler, the clown at the piano and the stilt-walker riding the bicycle). Fireworks go off, a Chinese dragon is brought on and flags of all nations are unfurled overhead.

 

Back inside.

 

DAD

So you see my problem, little ones... I can't keep you here any longer.

 

Shout from the back

Speak up!

 

DAD

(raising his voice)

I can't keep you here any longer... God has blessed us so much that I can't afford to feed you anymore.

 

BOY

Couldn't you have your balls cut off...?

 

DAD

It's not as simple as that Nigel... God knows all... He would see through such a cheap trick. What we do to ourselves, we do to Him...

 

VOICE

You could have them pulled off in an accident?

 

Other VOICES suggest ways his balls can be removed.

 

DAD

No... no... children... I know you're trying to help but believe me, my mind's made up. I've given this long and careful thought. And it's medical experiments for the lot of you...

 

The children emerge singing a melancholy reprise of 'Every Sperm is Sacred.'

 

They are being watched from another Northern house.

 

MR. BLACKITT

Look at them, bloody Catholics. Filling the bloody world up with bloody people they can't afford to bloody feed.

 

MRS. BLACKITT

What are we dear?

 

MR. BLACKITT

Protestant, and fiercely proud of it...

 

MRS. BLACKITT

Why do they have so many children...?

 

MR. BLACKITT

Because every time they have sexual intercourse they have to have a baby.

 

MRS. BLACKITT

But it's the same with us, Harry.

 

MR. BLACKITT

What d'you mean...?