MR. BEAN

 

By

Richard Curtis

And

Robin Driscoll

 

 

INT.  NATIONAL GALLERY.  BOARDROOM - DAY

 

A very grand room, with lots of wood and some very famous portraits round the walls.

 

A group of grave gentlemen and gentlewomen.  They are the trustees of the National Gallery.  LORD WALTON, a very grand man, sits at the table head.  To his right sits his assistant, GARETH.  All are deep in thought.  LORD WALTON fidgets with a pencil on the table.  He raises his head as though about to speak.  Everyone looks up expectantly.  And... LORD WALTON goes back to fidgeting.  So does everyone else.

 

CUT TO:

 

CREDIT.  POLYGRAM & WORKING TITLE PRESENT.

CUT TO:

 

INT.  NATIONAL GALLERY.  BOARD ROOM - DAY

 

The scene is as silent and static as we left it Last... then:

 

GARETH

I suppose we could just sack him.

CUT TO:

 

EXT.  MR BEAN'S STREET.  DAY

 

Mr BEAN comes out of his house, ready to face the world-

 

He walks up the street, tutting slightly at a 'NO PARKING' sign he passes.  The street is totally car-free except for a very visible lime green mini.  A policeman strolls by and glances down at a pair of legs sticking out from under it, next to a toolbox.  He moves on, satisfied that someone is mending their car.

 

BEAN approaches the car and whips out the fake legs he left there.  He then unlocks the big padlock that secures the car door, pops the fake legs inside, fiddles with something else in the back seat, and drives away at a frightening speed with a smug look on his face.

 

The Theme Music - big and dramatic - begins, as do the rest of the credits.

 

BEAN gaily motors on - then unexpectedly the sweeping theme tune jumps, as if it has hit a scratch: the cinema audience should be worried there's a sound fault.

 

BEAN comes to a street full of sleeping policemen ~ he goes at them at quite a lick - and every time he shoots over one of the bumps, the theme tune jumps violently.

 

BEAN looks a little annoyed into the back seat - we now see the cause of the problem.  Instead of having a car radio, BEAN has an old record player strapped into the back seat, playing the theme tune.

 

On he drives, through empty streets - then JOLT - he's reached the glorious familiarity of Central London, Big Ben and all - but heels now in dreadful traffic.

 

Heels not happy.  He looks to the left and sees a very thin alleyway.  He takes out a metal comb from his pocket and, using it like a bomber's sight-line-checker, measures the front of his car and the width of the alley.  He 'S satisfied - does a 90-degree turn - and shoots down the alley.  It is such a perfect fit that sparks fly from the door handles as they graze the walls.

 

But at the end of the alley, the traffic's just as bad.  BEAN notices he's outside Harrods.  There's a tail-coated Security Guard at the 'front door.  BEAN watches him stroll a bit down the street - and takes his chance.  He turns and drives straight through the double doors, into the store.

 

2

 

 

INT.  HARRODS.  DAY.

 

BEAN and his car whizz through the ground floor, past perfume counters and leather glove racks.

 

CUT TO a Security Guard.  As he passes one of the counters, BEAN's little car just shoots behind him.  The Guard continues through the Children's section there are giant elephants and teddies, children's size cars, then two huge plastic tractors - and then, stock still, strangely in harmony actually, the Lime Green Mini with BEAN in it.  The Guard walks straight past.

 

The moment he is gone, BEAN shoots off again - but, damn!, spies another Guard and is forced to turn and drive down some very steep stairs indeed.  The theme song goes CRAZY as the record player jumps.

 

CUT TO:

 

6 people waiting at a gilded lift.  They hear a strange sound, and turn to see what it is.  In fact, it’s coming from inside the lift.  When the lift doors open, out shoots the Mini through the double doors and back into the street.

 

3

 

 

EXT.  KNIGHTSBRIDGE.  DAY.

 

Out in the street, BEAN is faced by an accident.  There are flashing lights, a crumpled car, suggestions of hurt passengers.  BEAN looks concerned.

 

CUT TO:

EXT.  THE STRAND.  DAY.

 

An Ambulance roars through the traffic.  It reaches its hospital, turns off, and there, right smack behind it is the Mini.  Cut in to see BEAN, smiling broadly.  He whizzes into Trafalgar Square, maybe even across it, sending pigeons and tourists flying, and parks directly outside the statuesque National Gallery.  Of course, there's not another car there.  Just the Gallery and the mini.

 

CUT TO:

 

EXT.  NATIONAL GALLERY – DAY

 

BEAN gets out of the car, takes out his bag - thinks a little, opens it and takes out a "Doctor on Call' sign.  To re-enforce it, he puts a bone in the back window and a skull of the front seat.  Happy with the arrangement, he re-locks the padlock and sets off smiling up the big, stairs to work.

 

As he does so, pan up the building, and into the window of the room where that Board meeting was taking place.

 

CUT TO:

INT.  NATIONAL GALLERY.  BOARDROOM – DAY

 

GARETH

Look, I don’t hate the man but ...

 

LORD WALTON

I know, Gareth.  It’s the mental strain he inflicts on us all.  How is Professor Bradbury

 

A grand gentleman, MR MORRISON, pipes up.

 

I’m MORRISON

Heels got the feeling back in his fingers - but his hands are still stapled together.

 

LORD WALTON

Mmmm, and how far are we with the computer, Hubert?

 

 

4

 

 

HUBERT

Timothy is loading the final catalogue data as we speak, Milord.  An awful thing to say, but when the program's up and running our, Mr. Bean will become a little less than .... useful?

 

A glimmer of hope.

 

 

 

INT.  NATIONAL GALLERY.  PORTRAIT SECTION - DAY

 

BEAN wanders past three or four portraits and mimics the characters in them.  He passes a guard.

 

GUARD

(not looking up from his book)

Morning, Bean.

 

The GUARD sighs with boredom.  He gets this from BEAN every day.  As Bean moves on, he treads on the heel of a tourist's shoe.  It comes off- BEAN moves on blithely.

 

CUT TO:

 

INT.  NATIONAL GALLERY.  CARTOON ROOM ENTRANCE - DAY

 

BEAN is passing the very special room where Leonardo Da Vinci's cartoon, 'The Virgin and Child', hangs, preserved by a very dim artificial light.  There are silhouettes of a few tourists in the room reverently studying the work, listening to a female GALLERY GUIDE.

 

BEAN dips into his pocket for his identity badge and in so doing brings out a coin.  The coin drops and rolls into the special room.  BEAN follows it into the darkness.

 

GALLERY GUIDE

(hushed)

... by Leonardo Da Vinci.  As you can see, the special light in here goes some way to protect the drawing from photodisintegration caused by gamma ...

 

The camera stays outside the room with the picture in view.  We hear the squeak of a tiny door open, then a click.  The room is suddenly flooded in blazing white light.  The onlookers gasp in horror.

 

5

 

BEAN re-emerges from the room with his precious coin.  As an afterthought he pops his hand round the doorway and turns off the light.  He scuttles away.  The GALLERY GUIDE shakes her head in total exasperation.

CUT TO:

INT.  NATIONAL GALLERY.  BOARDROOM – DAY

 

GARETH

Maybe it would be simpler to pack all our paintings onto trucks and move the entire National Gallery somewhere else.  And not tell him.

 

HUBERT

Seconded.  We could all move to France.

 

GEORGE

All those in favour.

 

They all raise their hands wildly.

 

LORD WALTON

Come on - settle down everyone.

CUT TO:

INT.  NATIONAL GALLERY.  ELEVATOR – DAY

 

BEAN stands in the elevator silently with four other people.  He gives himself a long squirt of breathfreshener.  Then offers it to the others, who politely refuse him.  So he stands still again.  Pause.  BEAN then smells something unpleasant.  He leans and has a little sniff of the person to his left.  All right there.  Then he sniffs to his right, and reels at what he smells.  He again takes out the breath freshener, and forces it upon VINCENT, an elderly gentleman, who is mortified.

 

At this moment the elevator stops - BEAN and VINCENT get out and the camera follows VINCENT as he heads for the boardroom door and enters.  He is another trustee.  This dialogue is heard from behind the closed door.

 

VINCENT

I'm sorry I’m late.

 

GARETH

 

Why can’t we just give him the boot for crying out loud?!

 

6

 

VINCENT

Steady on, old man. I only ...

 

GARETH

Not you, you idiot.

 

CUT TO:

INT.  NATIONAL GALLERY.  CORRIDOR – DAY

 

BEAN, with cup of tea, walks along a corridor.  He can’t not interfere for tidiness sake.  One empty room he switches off the light.  Another he shuts the door.

 

He passes a computer room, with an open door where a big man is busily typing in a programme - BEAN looks at him snootily and heads on.

 

He approaches the door to his office.  A sign reads: 'STORAGE & CATALOGUE'.  There is a huge padlock on the door.  BEAN takes out a big key and enters his domain.

 

CUT TO:

 

INT.  NATIONAL GALLERY.  STORAGE OFFICE - DAY.

 

BEAN enters.  He's been here for years and made it his own.  It's an odd little world.  There’s a framed picture of Shirley Bassey on his desk and Airfix planes hang from the ceiling.  Also a large cosy armchair and a T.V.

 

A pleasant Man in a suit, around 40, breezes in.

 

SUIT MAN

Ah Bean, I’m looking for a painting by Van Hocht.  Still Life.  Circa 1670.  Can do?

 

BEAN nods.  This is what BEAN likes to do best.  The camera follows as he turns sees the extraordinary sight behind him...

 

His office is just a tiny corner of a massive storage room, hundreds of feet high and long, the walls completely full of rack after rack of stored paintings.  At the end of the room, we can see hundreds of sculptures: busts, modern abstracts, men on horses, classical maidens, Rodins, the lot.  It’s like the giant storehouse at the end of 'Raiders of the Lost Ark.

 

7

 

BEAN sets off into it in his own eccentric way.  He knows exactly where heels going.  He climbs a ladder, like you find in a library - then pushes himself off, and whizzes the entire length of the room on slippery wooden runners.

 

He has now reached the sculpture area, but the painting heels looking for is on the other side.  He crosses the room by using the sculptures as a kind of artistic obstacle course.  In front of him is the Burghers of Calais, a Rodin statue of 5 prisoners in chains.  He simply walks across their 5 heads, like stones in a stream.

 

He then comes to an abstract modern piece, which he uses as a slide and at the end of which, he crawls through the hole in the next modern thing.  He then begins to climb up various famous ancient statues, using the mouths as footholes, breasts as support, codpieces as steps and empty eyes as finger holes.

 

After a problem getting his. foot caught in the jaw of a sculptured dog, he walks flat along a modern sculpture, then uses a sequence of classic sculptures as stairs - on the head of a little Degas ballerina, one step on to the bottom of a horse, two steps onto the head of the person riding the horse, three steps and now he's on the other side of the hall.

 

He then triumphantly pulls out a painting.  It’s the one!,

 

SUIT MAN

What would we do without you!  The entire inventory of British Art stored in that one, curious brain of yours.

 

BEAN beams.

 

 

 

INT.  NATIONAL GALLERY.  BOARDROOM - DAY

 

GARETH

Then we are agreed, gentlemen.  He goes.

 

VINCENT

Only if we’re positive that the new catalogue database will render Mr. Bean’s hitherto 'talents' obsolete.

 

HUBERT

There's no question.

 

8

 

 

LORD WALTON

Very well.  Mr Bean is.... art history.  We can all stop taking the pills.

 

A reserved smatter of laughter, from relief more than anything.  LORD W. talks into an intercom on the table.

 

LORD WALTON

Miss Hutchinson, would you send Mr. Bean up to the boardroom, please.

 

MISS HUTCHINSON

(V/O )

 

Yes sir. oh, and Lord Walton, the Grierson Gallery called again.

 

LORD WALTON

Thank you. (To the room) One final thing.  Once again we have been invited by the Grierson Gallery of Southern California to second one of our staff for a short visit.  The Grierson has a fairly modest collection - but it does include the most famous American painting of all, 'Whistler’s Mother'.  Any thoughts?

 

Cut to the trustees - they shake their heads and wrinkle, their noses, not very interested.  A 106 year old SIR RUPERT puts up his hand.

 

LORD WALTON

Yes.  Sir Rupert.  And may I say sir, how honoured we are that you still grace us with all your time, wisdom, and infinite knowledge.  Your invaluable thoughts, sir?

 

SIR RUPERT

Could you speak up please.  I didn’t catch the question.

 

CUT TO:

INT.  NATIONAL GALLERY.  STORAGE OFFICE – DAY

 

Back in his office area BEAN ceremoniously hands SUIT MAN the Van Hocht painting.  He's very proud of himself.

 

SUIT MAN

Thank you, Bean.  You’re a genius.

 

9

 

BEAN laughs - delighted.  SUIT MAN exits and MISS HUTCHINSON enters, warily.

 

MISS HUTCHINSON

Mr. Bean.  Lord Walton would like to see you in the boardroom.

 

BEAN gives a little pleasured squeak.  How exciting for him.  He follows MISS HUTCHINSON out into the corridor.

 

CUT TO:

INT.  NATIONAL GALLERY.  CORRIDOR.  DAY

 

BEAN walks along the same corridor as before.  Turns off another light.  Then comes to the room where he saw the Programmer.  The computer, showing a Van Gogh portrait, is on and no-one's there.  BEAN, who hates wasted electricity, goes in to switch it off.

 

We see the Van Gogh change to a pictorial representation of the Storage room - with an arrow pointing to where the Van Gogh is located.  BEAN is clearly going to be replaced by this programme.  Or not ... BEAN searches for the plug, but it's under acres of desk - so he simply pulls a cable out of the back the computer.  The entire system clicks off.  At which moment the Programmer comes back in.

 

PROGRAMMER

What's happening here?

 

BEAN

Ahm...

 

With a slightly guilty smile he picks up the cable again looks with puzzlement at the five available places to plug it in and just takes a random guess.  And a disastrous one.  There is a ugly electrical fizzle.  The screens come on white, then pop out completely.

 

BEAN

Ah.... Ahm....

 

BEAN realises that he has done something wrong and quickly shoves the cable into another circuit.  The Van Gogh appears happily on the screen.  BEAN and PROGRAMMER both give out a sigh of relief.  BEAN smiles and leaves quickly.  But a second later the computer screen disintegrates and the Van Gogh slides down the screen like a water-colour in the rain.  The PROG difficult to breathe.

 

10

 

CUT TO:

INT.  NATIONAL GALLERY.  BOARDROOM – DAY

 

LORD WALTON

You have your voting slips, gentlemen.  Please remember the Americans are looking for something quite high powered.  A doctorate preferably...

 

There is a knock at the door.  BEAN enters.  LORD WALTON smiles.  The rest of the faces in the room are looking dangerously close to smug.  BEAN is very nervous indeed.

 

LORD WALTON

(gravely)

Ah, Mr. Bean.  Please take a seat for a moment.  I have some news which will not, I'm afraid...

 

The phone rings.  LORD WALTON answers.  BEAN sits next to VINCENT and sniffs at him.  VINCENT's breath hasn't improved.

 

LORD WALTON

(into phone)

Yes?  Put him on... Timothy.  The computer ... Yes... When?  How?  All of it? Absolutely all of it?  Did you back it up?  How long will it ... ?  Another six months.  Fair enough.  Come up here will you, dear boy.

 

He slowly hangs up.  Everyone has got the gist of what has just occurred with the new computer- The energy drains from them all as they contemplate another six months with BEAN still on the staff.  LORD WALTON coughs politely.

 

LORD WALTON

As I was saying, gentlemen.  The Grierson Gallery. South California.  Great opportunity.  Thousands-of miles-away though it is.  Doctorate or ( IMPISHLY ) no doctorate, perhaps

 

All get the message at the same moment and hurriedly scribble on their voting slips.  The slips get handed down the line to LORD WALTON.  We see that every single slip has 'BEAN' on it.

 

LORD WALTON

Mr. Bean.  Wonderful news.  You are going to America.

 

MR. BEAN

(overwhelmed)

Ooooh, how lovely.

 

There is a knock at the door.  The fat, bespectacled,

PROGRAMMER puts his head round it.

 

LORD WALTON

(beaming)

Ah, Timothy.  You're sacked.

 

CUT TO:

 

 

INT.  NATIONAL GALLERY.  CORRIDOR - DAY

 

BEAN rounds a corner and walks towards us, imitating a bowlegged cowboy.  The Theme from Bonanza plays.  He whips out his pair of imaginary six shooters, spins them on his fingers and returns them to-their imaginary holsters, making gun sound effects.  He's very happy.-He passes the Security Guard - he draws his gun on him - zero reaction the Guard just raises his eyebrows and yawns.

 

BEAN heads on through the gallery merrily - but suddenly, his good mood is broken, when he notices 3 schoolgirls entering a new exhibition, called The Ultra-Human Form.  This worries him - and we soon see why - BEAN heads in to the room where all the paintings are very graphic nudes, and the 3 girls are having a good giggle.

 

BEAN quickly rushes over and with his hand covers the breasts of the painting they’re inspecting.

 

Two girls then move on to the next painting - which unfortunately also has breasts.  BEAN stretches and just manages to cover them with his other hand.

 

Now the third girl heads on, so BEAN can drop the hand on the first painting - but now has to try to cover the breasts on the third painting, which is a real long stretch away.  He can’t quite make it, so he takes off his shoes, which gives him the extra 3 inches.  Again, safe.  Just.

 

Now, all three girls leave the paintings - but, to BEAN's chagrin, head over to a classical nude sculpture in the middle of the room.  It’s like the 3 Graces, 3 naked women back to back.  BEAN thinks fast.  He quickly whips off his

 

12

 

Belt and rushes over to the statue, where he succeeds in looping it round to cover all six nipples.

 

Unfortunately the girls have already lost interest and head over to the other side of the gallery.  To BEAN's horror.  Because at that moment we reveal what is on the other side of the room.  A epic painting in the style of the others - with literally 40 graphically naked people.

 

BEAN sprints across the room, stands on a chair, and desperately tries to cover a particularly lurid example of a gentleman’s manhood.

 

At which moment the teacher of the party and 40 other schoolgirls appear and scream in chorus.  BEAN thinks that it is the painting that has caused offence and is in outraged agreement with them.  He turns.  Cut wide to reveal that they are screaming because he's beltless

trousers have fallen down.

CUT TO:

 

EXT.  GRIERSON GALLERY.  AMERICA - DAY.

 

8.30 am California time.  A modern building with plenty of glass.  Large, modern sculptures are spotted around its grounds, including a dramatic one of two huge old cars, head down in the ground, backs protruding into the air.

 

THOMAS GRIERSON, owner of the gallery, wearing a slick expensive suit, walks with DAVE LEARY and BERNIE, both in casual jackets and ties.  GRIERSON is a vain, slightly pedantic and pompous man - maybe short - always just trying to show he's Boss.  The three are strolling towards the main entrance.  Huge sign: 'THE GRIERSON GALLERY' with a silhouette of Whistler’s Mother taken from the painting, as an incorporated logo.

 

GRIERSON

Lord Walton assures me th