MY BEST FRIEND'S WEDDING
Ronald Bass
First Draft Screenplay
INT. BOULEY RESTAURANT, NEW YORK - NIGHT
Dim lighting, crowd buzz, a long line of the rich, the celebrated,
the congenitally impatient. Everyone in this queue holds a
reservation at least an hour overdue. Tourists can't even make the
line. PAN ahead to...
... the burnished dining room, the tables of power, the elegant
service. Covertly, many eyes are drawn to the one table receiving
by far the most lavish service of all. Captains hover, presenting
delicacies, pouring wines, murmuring obsequiously to a guest whose
person they screen from our view. We can see, however...
... the honored guest's companion. Ignored, bemused, across the
table. This is DIGGER DOWNES, 36, darkly attractive. Kind eyes,
an intellectual's mouth, Saville Row's most unobtrusive and
conservative chalk-stripe suit. He is gay, but you wouldn't guess
it. Loyal and wise and generous, and you might. He watches with a
quiet twinkle, as the Captains now step back, revealing to us...
... their most unlikely icon. JULIANNE POTTER, almost 28, wears
her favorite bulky sweater over a bunch of other stuff she pulled
together in fifteen seconds. She is unkempt, quick, volatile,
scattered, and beneath it all, perhaps because of it all, an
original beauty. Dark liquid eyes, a cynical mouth, slender
expressive fingers, which point to...
CAPTAIN
A variation on our squid ink
risotto. Trace of Moselle, to
sweeten the stock.
She doesn't like that idea at all. Shoots him a sharp look of
doubt that makes him smile. Murmur...
CAPTAIN
Don't kill us on this one, it's
a long shot.
Places the moist lump of black rice before her. She takes a
surprisingly small amount, rolls it over her tongue. Makes dead
flat eye contact with Digger. And nods, it's actually quite nice.
The Captain breathes with relief. She turns her dark eyes to him.
The tone says they're pals...
JULIANNE
I'm writing it up as inventive and
confident. Which it is. Off the
record, I'll need an extra boat of
the ink. Or a salt shaker.
CAPTAIN
I'll toss a coin.
As the Captain splits, Digger looks around at the other tables,
which makes many pairs of eyes awkwardly glace away.
DIGGER
Is it ever embarrassing, having
your bum kissed in public?
JULIANNE
If your ass isn't chapped, you
are not a good-writer of note.
She glances at her two remaining waiters, who shamelessly fawn
nearby.
JULIANNE
Is it sad to be an editor, and bask
only in reflected insincerity?
DIGGER
I've adjusted, and thanks for asking.
She leans forward, as if sharing something conspiratorial.
JULIANNE
See the pull of a book like
Twenty Chefs, is not who I
put in. It's who I leave out.
DIGGER
Which is everyone you couldn't
get in.
JULIANNE
Plus some guys whose food I don't
like.
Pushes the risotte across to him. He lifts a fork.
DIGGER
This fellow from Newsday ever
call?
She shrugs. Pulls a cellular out of a large, jumbled bag.
JULIANNE
I'll buzz my machine. Inventive
and confident, yeh?
She dials. He tastes.
DIGGER
Needs salt.
JULIANNE
Is Newsday a real interview, or
just some cute guy you're setting
me up w...
DIGGER
... I don't send you men, anymore.
You don't know what to do with them.
She's punching in her code.
JULIANNE
Sometimes I do. Like for two months.
DIGGER
... weeks.
Over the phone, we hear her answering machine...
MAN'S VOICE (V.O., soft)
Hey. It's Michael.
And her face changes. Warms. Just to hear the guileless voice.
MICHAEL (V.O.)
God, it must be, what, months, huh?
I can't wait to talk to you. I'm
in Chicago at the Ritz Carlton...
She looks impressed and surprised. Fancy place for this guy.
MICHAEL (V.O.)
Call me four in the morning,
whatever, we gotta talk.
As she hangs up. She still has that look in her eye. Digger has
never seen that, and he likes it very much.
DIGGER
Who called? The man of the
moment?
She smiles. A sweet, natural smile that makes us like her, too.
The Bohemian sophisticate has vanished.
JULIANNE
No, no, the opposite. That's
my best friend, Michael O'Neal.
He sounds desperate to talk.
DIGGER
The wandering sportswriter.
He pushes the risotto back her way.
DIGGER
I didn't know you two had a
past.
Her gaze sharpens. Hmmn?
DIGGER
The look in your eye.
She blushes. Shakes her head, no way.
JULIANNE
Sophomore year at Yale we had
this one hot month. And, you
know me, I got restless...
He knows her. She got restless.
JULIANNE
So I get up the nerve to break
his heart. I tell him there's
this dreamy exchange student
from Pakistan who wants to,
you know...
He knows.
JULIANNE
And he gets this... look. He
says, "I knew I couldn't hold
your interest", which, of course,
makes me feel like the shallow
bitch I've always been...
He nods, yeah.
JULIANNE
Then he says, "But what makes
me want to cry. Is I'm losing
the best friend I ever had."
Hears the feeling. In her voice.
JULIANNE
And when he said it, I knew.
I felt the same.
Silence now. She covers with a smile.
JULIANNE
So I cried. For maybe the third
time in my life. And I kissed
him. And we've been best friends
ever since.
Ever since. Fingers turning her wine glass...
JULIANNE
Nine years, we've seen each other
through everything. Losing jobs,
losing parents, losing lovers...
travelled all over, we've had the
best times. The best times of my
life, maybe. Just drinking and
talking. Even over a phone.
DIGGER
Kindred spirits.
JULIANNE
No, he's nothing like me. He's
like you. Only straight.
No offense taken.
JULIANNE
He's the salt of the earth. Kind
and loyal and generous. The one
constant thing in my life, is he'll
always be there.
DIGGER
He's still in love with you.
That stops her. She has to say...
JULIANNE
Maybe. But it never gets in
the way.
Something she probably hasn't confessed out loud before. Digger
understands.
DIGGER
Well, he has a true friend in
you.
He wants her to know he sees that.
DIGGER
Whenever George tells someone
how steadfast I am, he always
makes me sound boring.
JULIANNE
Solid and genuine is not boring.
Michael can be completely insane...
A young waiter arrives. Sets a boat of black squid ink beside her
plate.
JULIANNE
There was this one night in
Tucson, like six years ago...
we got amazingly drunk, I mean,
Keith Richards time...
The kid tops off her glass of meursault. Looking at her.
JULIANNE
God, I haven't thought of this
in so long...
The waiter hanging now. Openly listening.
JULIANNE
I can even believe we did
this...
Digger sees the guy listening, gestures to her with his eyes. So
she looks up.
JULIANNE
Could you give us a minute?
The kid stunned, speechless. People lose jobs for a lot less.
JULIANNE
You won't miss much, I promise
there was no sex.
He reddens and disappears.
DIGGER
I've lost interest.
JULIANNE
He takes a razor from his dinky
little dopp kit, cuts his fingertip,
takes my hand, does the same to me...
She places the tips of her index fingers together.
DIGGER
Blood oath.
JULIANNE
He says, "Swear. When we're both
28, if we've never been married...
we marry each other!"
And laughs again. Can you believe that? But Digger isn't smiling.
She wonders why. Begins to spoon black squid ink onto her risotto.
JULIANNE
See, he figured that would be a
sign from God, or someone of
comparable authority, that we'd
misunderstood our destinies.
He still has this real serious look. She's still spooning ink.
JULIANNE
We never talked about it again. I
don't know what made me think of...
DIGGER (quietly)
I do.
And everything. Stops. She lifts her spoon, mesmerized by the
gravity of his tone.
DIGGER
You'll be 28 in three weeks.
How old is he?
Holy. Fucking. Shit. It hits her like a ton of lead bricks. She
shovels some swampy risotto into her mouth, without looking.
JULIANNE
You think...
DIGGER
Desperate. To talk.
She shovels in more drippy black goop. It is really disgusting.
JULIANNE
He's not proposing marriage,
there's no way I'm buying one
word of th...
DIGGER
Then why are you compulsively
eating? If you're not hysterical?
More goes in. Her lips and mouth completely black. Like a circus
clown.
JULIANNE
He can't do that to me!
DIGGER
We're about to find out.
Ink is now dribbling out of the black hole of her mouth and down
her face. She absently dabs a napkin, keeping some of it from
reaching her sweater.
JULIANNE
When I turn him down...
She realizes the full weight of the truth.
JULIANNE
We'll never be the same.
DIGGER
I have a suggestion...
JULIANNE
I'll have to kill myself before I
call him.
Staring in each other's eyes.
DIGGER (sadly)
That was it.
INT. JULIANNE'S BATHROOM - LATE NIGHT
Julianne furiously scrubs her blackened tongue with a toothbrush.
Gray foam pours from her mouth, spattering the oversized basketball
jersey she wears as a nightshirt. In the mirror, her troubled eyes
dwell on Michael, flick to the cordless phone standing ominously on
the closed toilet lid.
She spits, sticks her tongue way out. Incredibly black. Great.
Depressed, terrified, and disfigured for life. She snatches up the
hated phone, and wanders aimlessly into...
... her bedroom. West Village view. Defiantly jumbled, aggres-
sively eclectic. Traces of wonderful taste mixed with I-like-it-
you-got-a-problem-with-that? She stumbles around, rehearsing...
JULIANNE
This is awkward timing, Michael,
I just joined this convent, and
they never give your deposit ba...
Stops. Full-length mirror. She straightens her hair, to look her
best.
JULIANNE
Michael, I'm married.
Not enough.
JULIANNE
... and I have two weeks to live.
Changes tone...
JULIANNE
Michael, I'm trying to be gay,
don't confuse me.
She turns to continue pacing, and walks straight INTO a dresser.
Stuns her, momentarily. Enough, already! She punches up the
number, primping absently in the mirror. When it connects...
JULIANNE
I was calling Michael O'Neal,
but seeing it's so late, I could
just leave a mes...
No such luck. Cut off. Waits. And then...
JULIANNE (soft)
Good evening, sir. You've been
enrolled in the Obscene Call Of
The Month Club, and th...
MICHAEL (V.O.)
Hey! God, it's so good to hear
your voice.
She forgets herself. Because it's good to hear his, too.
MICHAEL (V.O.)
I've been calling for days!
JULIANNE
Yeh, well my old machine kept
eating messages. I tried
constructively ignoring it in
hopes of improvement, but finally...
MICHAEL (V.O., urgent)
Look, I have to ask you something.
She swallows.
MICHAEL (V.O.)
Something so incredibly important,
that if you turn me down, I don't
know what I'll d...
JULIANNE (bright)
I just have to tell you this one
thing first, okay? I mean this
will hand you the biggest laugh
of your adult life...
Silence. Come on girl, suck it up.
JULIANNE
I was thinking about you, and I
remembered this unbelievably insane
night we spent together in Tucson,
like a thousand years ago?
More silence. Really quiet.
JULIANNE
I mean, there's no way you could
possibly remember the...
MICHAEL (V.O., soft)
Are you kidding?
Stops her. Like a brick wall. The sweetness in his voice.
MICHAEL (V.O.)
I think about that night all
the time.
She's going to have a heart attack.
MICHAEL (V.O.)
But it's not why I called.
She blinks. It's not. And just as a tsunami of relief begins to
sweep away...
MICHAEL (V.O.)
I called because I met someone.
And her smiles breaks off. Like a spine snapping. Because there is
something in his voice.
JULIANNE
Well, that's great. You haven't
really had anybody since Dingbat
Jennylee...
MICHAEL (V.O.)
You don't understand. I've never
felt this way about anybody!
Never. She sits down, hard. Right on the floor.
MICHAEL (V.O.)
And she's all wrong for me!
JULIANNE
Well, somet...
MICHAEL (V.O.)
I mean she's a junior at Chicago
University, she's twenty years
old! Like when I first met you.
Like when. Julianne's mouth is suddenly dry.
MICHAEL (V.O.)
And her dad is like this billionaire
who owns the White Sox and some cable
empire, and you know how I've always
been miserably awkward around those
kinda stuffed suits...
She's finally making her mouth work...
JULIANNE
Well, sure.
MICHAEL (V.O.)
But they're so down to earth, such
wonderful people...
JULIANNE
You've met her parents.
MICHAEL (V.O., quiet)
Well. Sure.
Wow.
MICHAEL (V.O.)
See. We're getting married.
This Sunday.
There's a knife in her heart. She can scarcely breathe.
JULIANNE
Michael, it's Wednesday night,
you can't possibly be getting
married on Su...
MICHAEL (V.O.)
Actually, it all starts tomorrow.
It's one of those four-day weddings,
with all the traditional events, and
ten million people flying in from
Madagascar such.
JULIANNE (incredibly lame)
Aren't you... working this weekend?
I mean, is that responsible?
MICHAEL (V.O.)
Well, the Sox are at home. SI's
letting me do a profile on the Big
Hurt. That's Frank...
JULIANNE
(barely audible)
... Thomas, yeh.
She's staring at herself in the mirror.
MICHAEL (V.O.)
Jules. I'm scared.
A straw to lunge at.
JULIANNE
Well, maybe we should talk ab...
MICHAEL (V.O.)
I need you.
So heartfelt. A lifetime of emotion welling in her eyes.
MICHAEL (V.O.)
If you can't come. And hold my
hand. I'll never get through this.
Oh.
MICHAEL (V.O.)
Please come, please.
JULIANNE
W...
MICHAEL (V.O.)
I can't wait for you to meet her!
HOLD ON Julianne. Staring in the mirror. Like watching the end of
her life.
INT. BEDROOM - LATER
The closet, the armoire, all the drawers are wide open. Two huge
suitcases open on the bed, into which Julianne is flinging clothes,
as she fumbles to smoke and dial at the same time. Over the phone,
now...
DIGGER (V.O., machine)
You've reached Digger and George.
Brevity will be appreciated.
BEEP.
JULIANNE (in a rage)
IT'S ME AGAIN, WHY AREN'T YOU GUYS
UP HAVING SAFE SEX??
SNATCHES up a tiny, clingy, sexy dress. Pouts at it.
JULIANNE
OR, IN THE ALTERNATIVE, WHY AREN'T
YOU INTERRUPTING IT TO ANSWER
THE PHONE??
She holds the dress against her body. It's hot.
JULIANNE
YOU, YOU, YOU! IT'S ALL ABOUT
YOU, ISN'T IT??
She clicks OFF. Checks the dress in the mirror. Raises the short
skirt a little higher.
INT. DIGGER'S CHEROKEE, JFK AIRPORT - EARLY MORNING
Digger driving the open-air Cherokee up the ramp to United Airlines
departures. Julianne, wind-whipped, trying to light a fresh
cigarette from the butt of the last one. He glances over. Hates
to see this...
DIGGER
You can't get lung cancer and
die in four days. Go to Plan B.
She sucks deep. Really deep.
JULIANNE
You have no appropriate sense
of emergency. My best friend
is ruining his life.
DIGGER
No, he's ruining yours.
JULIANNE
Same difference. If you love
someone, it's your duty to save
them from themselves.
DIGGER
You have a real philosophy of
life.
JULIANNE
It's called the Law of Love,
asshole.
She is tight enough to snap. And at the edge of tears. Staring
out at the skycaps, clinging to her cigarette, as he eases to the
curb.
DIGGER (gently)
Why don't we have a drink? You
could catch a later fl...
JULIANNE
I'm a busy girl. I've got four
days to break up a wedding, and
steal the bride's fella.
She finally looks at him. He doesn't say anything.
JULIANNE
He's adored me for nine goddamn
years.
DIGGER
I can see why.
JULIANNE
She knows him maybe five seconds,
plus she has billions of dollars,
plus she's perfect, so don't go
feeling sorry for Miss Pre-Teen Illinois!
He's not. So her voice softens. Which shows the hurt.
JULIANNE
And don't go feeling sorry for
me, you don't know me that well.
We're only friends.
DIGGER (softly)
I stand corrected.
Tears now. Stand in her eyes.
JULIANNE
I'm making a big mistake, huh?
DIGGER (shrugs)
Maybe you'll learn something.
He wraps his hand over hers. She looks down at it.
JULIANNE
I'm gonna bring him back, man.
Against all odds, y'know. Cos
if I don't...
She wraps her fingers around his.
JULIANNE
... I gotta live with it forever.
Looks in his eyes.
JULIANNE
And at my wedding. I'll be the
only bride with her own best man.
And she kisses his cheek.
Jumps out of his car. Before she cries. Yanks her bags from the
back. Brave smile.
They trade small salutes. And then she's gone.
INT. O'HARA AIRPORT, CHICAGO - MORNING
The jetway disgorging passengers into the swarming ant colony
called O'Hare. Julianne lugging multiple carry-ons, trying to pull
fly-away strands of hair into place, nervous as a schoolgirl,
looking all around, and...
... there he is. MICHAEL is tall and square-shouldered, a boyish
grin, an unruly shock of hair. He looks gorgeous, sweet, and just
dangerous enough to be irresistible. Worthwhile stakes. His face
lights to see her, and she...
... RUNS to his arms, shedding bags along the way, slamming off
heedless civilians, to be...
... SWEPT OFF the earth in strong arms, spun around, laughing like
crazy, their cheeks tight together. When he sets her down...
... he kisses her nose. His arms are still around her.
MICHAEL (murmurs)
Can you believe it? Can you believe
I'm actually gonna do this?
JULIANNE (lost in his eyes)
Not hardly.
He beams. Turns. She follows his gaze, and...
... there she is. KIMBERLY WALLACE is 20, small and slender, but it
is a body to die for. The face is striking, not at all perky and
vapid, but lovely and interesting. Worst of all, intelligent.
She walks toward them purposefully, her eyes locked to the woman in
her fiancee's arms. At the last moment, Michael releases Julianne
and Kimmy...
... THROWS her arms around the startled visitor. HOLDS her tight,
with such genuine warmth that Julianne can only, slowly, hug back.
As Michael beams.
KIMMY
This just makes everything so
perfect.
Her arms stay around the slightly dazed Julianne. The younger
girl leans close, confides...
KIMMY
All I've heard, from the day I
met Michael, is Julianne this,
and Julianne that...
JULIANNE
Well, we're...
KIMMY
I think the best part of marrying
this guy is finding you.
Pale gray eyes. Alive with joy and intimacy.
KIMMY
I've never had a sister.
INT. KIMMY'S CONVERTIBLE - DAY
Kimmy TEARING down the throughway in her Mercedes 500 SL, a
dashing, confident driver. Julianne riding shotgun, hair flying, a
total wreck, in the open convertible. Michael is happily crouched
on the little platform behind their seats, hugging his knees. The
roar of the wind makes it impossible for him to hear them.
KIMMY
My heart's in my throat, here.
Right off, I have to ask this
monstrous favor...
JULIANNE
You need a few dollars.
Kim glances over. At eighty miles an hour. A bittersweet look.
KIMMY
Dry. Just like he said.
Her eyes at once admiring and regretful.
JULIANNE
Excuse me?
KIMMY
I can be quick. I can even
be funny.
Shakes her head. An endearing youngster.
KIMMY
But I can't be dry.
JULIANNE
Can you watch the road?
KIMMY
See. Dry. It's in the delivery.
She looks back to the highway.
KIMMY
This is a very presumptuous
and burdensome fav...
JULIANNE
... you want a menage on your
wedding night.
KIMMY (straight back)
No, that wouldn't be burdensome.
Julianne studying the delicate, angular profile. Hard not to like
this kid.
KIMMY
My classmate Angelique shattered
her pelvis line dancing in
Abeline on Spring Break.
Looks over. The sweetest smile.
KIMMY
Be my maid of honor.
Julianne just blinks.
KIMMY
You can't believe what it'd
cost to bring in a temp.
JULIANNE
Uh. How about promoting a
bridesmaid? Someone you know
for at least forty-five minutes.
We CUT OFF a huge SEMI who BLASTS his horn. Kimmy fearless,
oblivious, and analytical...
KIMMY
The bridesmaids are my only two
female relatives under forty.
Identical twin debutantes from
Nashville, who are basically
vengeful sluts. With amazing
bodies!
JULIANNE
Which was the disqualifying
factor?
KIMMY
The twin part. I like to remain
impartial in my contempt.
Sees the off-ramp, and SLICES across FOUR LANES of speeding bullets
in a heart-stopping nanosecond. This kid could drive for Penske.
Julianne has to pound her chest to get her heart started. Looks
back to see if Michael fell out...
... he is absurdly wind-blown. Gives her a beautiful grinning
thumbs-up. Loves this stuff.
KIMMY
This means I have four days
to make you my new best friend...
Brings Julianne's eyes back...
KIMMY
And since I already know everything
about you. Including intimate
facts I'm mortified to have heard,
but too envious to forget. It's
time for you to learn about me...
Easing off the freeway. She meets Julianne's glance...
KIMMY
Force yourself. To get personal.
JULIANNE (smiles)
Sounds like a plan.
INT. DRESS SHOP, NORTH MICHIGAN AVENUE - MORNING
The place is stunning. High-ceiling, soft light, large rococo
mirrors, Louis Quatorze sofas and chairs. Michael wanders rest-
lessly, fish out of water among designer displays and stylish
female patrons.
Takes a look at his watch.
INT. DRESSING ROOM - MORNING
A period sitting room, ringed with mirrors along its tapestried
walls. Kimmy sits on a Louis Treize loveseat next to a stack of
costly gowns. Watching with an expertise beyond her years, as...
... Julianne stands on a platform. A seamstress fitting her into a
sleek pale daffodil-colored gown. There are pins everywhere, as
the seamstress struggles toward a perfect fit. Continuously
looking to Kim for approval.
KIMMY
If you'd rather the lilac...
Julianne shakes her head. This one is beautiful.
JULIANNE
I thought bridesmaids had to wear
the same dress.
KIMMY
Not you. You won't be comfortable
unless you're distinctive.
Julianne glances over.
JULIANNE
What else did he tell you...
KIMMY
... you hate weddings, you never go.
Oh. Well, yeah.
KIMMY
You're not up for anything
conventional, or popularly
assumed to be female priorities.
Including marriage. Or romance.
Or even...
And she stops. Not wanting to offend.
JULIANNE (quietly)
... not even love.
The look holds. The seamstress keeps working, as if she's deaf.
JULIANNE
That's why Michael and I were
the wrong fit. Right from the
start.
KIMMY
He said that, too.
She stands up. Walks to the platform. Smooths her hand over the
fabric down Julianne's back, along her hips. Communicating to the
seamstress with her irritated expression.
KIMMY
Well, I thought I was like you.
And proud to be. Until I met
rumpled, smelly old Michael...
Pins start to come out. Kimmy points, these, too!
KIMMY
And then I found I was just a
sentimental schmuck. Like all
those flighty nitwits I'd always
pitied.
She leans forward. So they can look at each other.
KIMMY
Funny world, huh?
Julianne swallows. It is that.
JULIANNE
I need a smoke.
And before anyone can breathe, she steps OFF the platform RIPPING
the living shit out of the gown, right down the side. The seam-
stress' eyes FLASH OPEN in abject horror. Julianne, a deer in
headlights, looks quickly around at the evidence of her screw-up in
six different mirrors.
Kimberly just steps to her, fingers the tear...
KIMMY
It's mostly the seam. Let's
get this to Carlos.
And UNZIPS Julianne down the back. In her rush to step out,
Julianne STUMBLES, but her arms are pinned by the pulled-down dress
and she just...
... TOPPLES like a felled oak, THUDDING on her face, the gown
RIPPING some more, the seamstress SCREAMING like an idiot.
Then. Silence. Julianne looking up helplessly, a trussed hog,
bound in her dress.
KIMMY (firm)
Just. Don't. Move.
Like you talk to a three-year-old. Deftly, Kimmy pulls the
dress free, leaving Julianne in her underwear. Signals to the
seamstress, let's go.
JULIANNE
Don't you have to be somewh...
KIMMY
... just my bridal shower. And
Michael has to meet our dads and
the groomsmen at Comiskey for a
one-thirty game.
Opens the door...
KIMMY
Other than that...
Closed SOLID. Gone.
INT. DRESSING ROOM - LATER
Julianne sits on the loveseat in her bra and panties, lighting one
cigarette from the butt of another. Suddenly, she hears...
... an ARGUMENT outside the door. Strains to listen. It does sound
like Michael and Kim. We can't make out the words. She jumps up,
dashes for the door, STUBBING her toe on the platform, SHIT!, falls
heavily AGAINST the door with a THUD that makes her wince, and...
... the argument stops. Damn. She opens the door a crack. Sees
nothing. Opens it wider to reveal...
... a teenaged BOY looking right at her. He sends a true shit-
eating grin and she SLAMS the door hard enough to RATTLE walls.
She PACES furiously, helplessly, arms around her half-naked self,
until...
... soft knock. The door opens a crack, and her daffodil gown
comes through it.
JULIANNE
Come in, and shut the...
Stops. Because it's Michael who has entered. With the dress.
JULIANNE
... door.
So he does. She flushes and SNATCHES up her own clothes, which
were characteristically tangled in a heap, and tries desperately to
untangle them enough to cover herself. He is amazed and amused by
her embarrassment.
MICHAEL (laughing)
Should I turn around, or someth...
JULIANNE
Michael, I'm in my underwear!
She's TEARING at her clothes, only making more of a mess.
MICHAEL
We've seen each other a lot
more naked than this.
She seems ready to rip her clothes apart, so he gently takes them
from her hands. She tries to stand unselfconsciously as he easily
untangles them.
MICHAEL
I mean, we were skinny-dipping
in Greece, just as pals, less
than two years ago.
She GRABS the clothes and covers the front of herself. Looking at
him with a mix of emotions she couldn't begin to sort out.
JULIANNE
Things are different now.
He looks in her eyes. And nods, a little sadly. Guess they are.
MICHAEL (softly)
Well. I leave with two thoughts
in my mind.
He walks to the door. Puts his hand on the latch. Looks back...
MICHAEL (even softer)
You're still a very pretty
girl.
The look holds. And holds. There is such feeling on both sides,
she doesn't know what to make of it. She swallows.
JULIANNE
What's the sec...
MICHAEL
Mirrors.
And he's gone. She looks around at six different VIEWS of her
uncovered backside. Hmm.
INT. HOTEL UNDERGROUND GARAGE - DAY
The parking valets wait by their stand as the convertible pulls up.
These girls must be late for something, the way they're jumping out
of the car.
JULIANNE
... luckiest guy in the Northern
Fucking Hemisphere, is all I'm s...
KIMMY
What? Because I'm a little
understand...
JULIANNE
... most sentimental schmucks I
pity want a honeymoon after their
wedding. Just to top it off.
The valet gives Kimmy her ticket.
KIMMY
I can't expect the NBA to hold
up the playoffs...
They're walking fast toward the garage elevators...
KIMMY
I'm excited Sports Illustrated
gave him this kind of shot, he's
only there a ye...
JULIANNE
So your honeymoon is exactly where?
Well...
KIMMY
It depends. If San Antonio sweeps
Sacramento, we could start there.
Or Phoenix. Or depending on Indiana-
Clevel...
JULIANNE
... garden sports, all. Little swing
of maybe fifty degrees Fahrenheit,
represents a packing challenge, but
there's fine food and cocktails at a
choice of Embassy Suit...
At the elevator. Kimmy SLAMS the button.
KIMMY
It's his career, I'm supportive.
Look, I've been everywhere, I've
seen the world, I've laid on a beach.
I want to be with the man I love.
That's what makes it a honeymoon.
End of story. Okay?
JULIANNE
I'm just saying he's lucky.
An empty elevator arrives. They get in.
JULIANNE
Takes one woman in a billion to
put up with his array of shit.
The guy is a one-man festival of
idiosync...
Kimmy SLAMS the penthouse button. Looks at her calmly. Go on.
JULIANNE
Well. You've been introduced
to the symphonic range of...
KIMMY
... his snoring, yeah. He says
it's worse than ever. That
snaffle one...?
Julianne imitates an incredibly annoying high-pitched SNARL. Three
times. Kimmy nods.
KIMMY
Well now it has this sorta
phlegm rattle behind it...
Stopped at the lobby. A family of four gets in. Oblivious, Kimmy
DEMONSTRATES the phlegm rattle. Really gets into it. As the
family watches, Julianne tries her own version. Like that? No.
More like this. The family is looking at each other.
KIMMY
Guess what? Earplugs work.
Oh.
JULIANNE
How about...
KIMMY
... cigars in bed? I broke him
on that. But the bathroom's a
swamp, he wears Reeboks to dinner,
tells the same, admittedly funny,
jokes three hundred times...
Sucks in a breath...
KIMMY
... loves action movies, subscribes
to Playboy for godsake, reads over
my shoulder, can't keep track of
the checks he writes...
Ninth floor. The family gets out. The door closes.
KIMMY
He sucks soup through his
front teeth.
JULIANNE
A trademark move, don't touch
it.
KIMMY
But he sure can kiss.
JULIANNE
It's been awhile. I'll take
your word.
KIMMY
After two weeks of cataloguing
all his faults, I made a command
decision that changed my life.
She SLAMS the EMERGENCY STOP button. We JOLT to a halt.
KIMMY
I threw the list away.
Shakes her head.
KIMMY
He's not a balance sheet, so
many wonderful qualities, so
many faults. He's Michael.
From her heart.
KIMMY
And loving him means loving
all of this.
JULIANNE
Do you get nervous in small
confined spaces?
KIMMY
So it's sweet of you to be
protective...
JULIANNE
Let me rephrase that...
KIMMY
But nothing ever could, ever
did, give me a moment's pause
about this marriage...
JULIANNE
Do you get hysterical in small
confined spa...
KIMMY
... except one.
Julianne's face. Stops.
JULIANNE
Oh, yeah?
Kimmy nods. Confides...
KIMMY
You.
A stopper.
KIMMY
You'll always be there. In his
mind. The perfect creature he
loved for all those y...
JULIANNE
Well, perfection can get wearing
after whi...
KIMMY
I'm not joking. I had to face
up to all my competitive drives,
and believe me, I've got 'em.
JULIANNE
No.
KIMMY
And the answer was so simple.
JULIANNE
I was gonna predict that.
KIMMY
You win.
Julianne blinks. Excuse me?
KIMMY
You're enshrined in his heart
and memory. Unassailable.
Which works out great.
JULIANNE
I've missed a step.
KIMMY
He has you on a pedestal. And
me in his arms.
Oh. Julianne smiles. LUNGES for the EMERGENCY button, YANKING it
so hard it comes OFF in her hand. A terrifying BUZZER ensures.
JULIANNE
Jesus, we're trapped!
KIMMY
Ju...
JULIANNE
No, this happened to me once,
almost, it was excruciating!
Begins BANGING random buttons, out of control. Kimmy watching
this. Julianne looks WILDLY up...
JULIANNE
There's a panel up there, you
could boost me...
RIPPING off her platform shoes.
JULIANNE
You know how little air is
in these things? I've seen
statistics! Once you're trapped
between floors...
Kimmy taps her. Points to the lighted panel. It says PH, they've
reached the Penthouse.
JULIANNE
God! Then the door is jammed!
Takes a heavy platform and begins BANGING the metal door with all
her strength, sending resounding BOOMS throughout the area, as
Kimmy reaches and...
... presses DOOR OPEN. The metal doors part, opening directly onto
the banquet room, just as a mighty blow comes down, and the platform
FLIES from Julianne's hand straight BETWEEN...
... two identical stunning YOUNG WOMEN, serving as twin hostesses
for the shower. A beat of mutually-stupefied looks, and we hear
the shoe CRASH somewhere, to a small spattering of SHRIEKS.
MANDY
Mah Gawd, it's the bride,
and the woman she'll nevah
live up to!
KIMMY (mutters to Julianne)
That would be us.
SAMMY
Did she say th' wrong thang
agin? It is so in character!
AMANDA and SAMANTHA NEWHOUSE, 19-year-old twins. True Southern
belles, with the faces of angels and bodies made for hot oil
wrestling. Mandy's hair is dyed ash blonde, Sammy's is amber.
Otherwise, the experience is similar.
JULIANNE
(thrusts out her hand)
I'm Julianne Potter, and...
SAMMY
... we'd be the vengeful sluts.
We came in complementary colors.
MANDY
Have you sized up the groomsmen,
Jules? As M. of H., you get
first fuck. Don't pick the
short, hairy, rich one.
JULIANNE
... unless he has a hump.
The girls cast identical blank looks at Kimberly.
KIMMY (to the sluts)
Dry. I told you.
WOMAN'S VOICE (V.O.)
Is this Michael's Julianne?
All eyes turn to an elegant woman of barely 40. She has her
daughter's hair and eyes and slender form. But the bearing rules
half an empire. Fonda would envy.
ISABELLE
I'm Isabelle Wallace, and my
handsome new son scarcely did
you justice, girl.
She takes both of Julianne's hands, and our heroine is sort of
magically charmed. As if touched by Glinda the Good Witch of the
North.
ISABELLE
Now, my husband says to scoot
you over to the ballpark, so
you can hang with Michael. But
first, you have to meet a lot of
really old women.
Looking warmly in her eyes...
ISABELLE
That is, if you've absorbed
enough profanity.
Flicks a glance at the twins. Leads Julianne off...
MANDY (O.S., pouting)
We sayed one fuck.
INT. TAXI, SOUTH SIDE - DAY
Cab crawling toward COMISKEY PARK through stifling traffic.
Julianne oblivious, cellular to her ear...
JULIANNE
Desperate measures! Do you
hear me? Digger, are you the...
SQUAWK. Static. Then...
JULIANNE
I don't know, hit men, whoopee
cushions, saltpeter, something!
The girl is impossibly impregnable.
Even I want her to get the guy!!
Listens.
JULIANNE
Tell him the what? The truth...??
She shakes her head. What a guy.
JULIANNE
That desperate. May I never get.
INT. LUXURY BOX, COMISKEY PARK - AFTERNOON
Game in progress. Watched by Michael, three groomsmen his age, two
middle-aged men, and one bodyguard. Suddenly, a dull THUMPING at
the door. It keeps up. They finally all look over. The bodyguard
gets the door, revealing...
JULIANNE
Which of you gents ordered
two beers?
One single tray. Holding fourteen beers. Balancing on one hand.
Michael JUMPS UP, terrified at the impending mayhem this sight
suggests...
MICHAEL
Wow! Lemme give you a ha...
JULIANNE (sweetly)
Michael. You'll unwittingly
imply that I'm clumsy.
He stops in his tracks. The guys whistle.
MICHAEL
Think of that. And as well as
I know you.
She goes first to the bodyguard.
BODYGUARD
Sorry, ma'am, I'm on duty.
JULIANNE (lovely smile)
It's Miss. And thanks. That
leaves two for me.
Heads down the row...
MICHAEL
Julianne Potter, this is Hank
and Gerry from SI, and you know
Daniel...
She's nodding, flawlessly plucking two beers each from perimeter
of the tray, keeping the rest perfectly balanced in the center.
Michael is flat dumbstruck. Next, a tall patrician gentleman with
rolled-up sleeves on his hand-stitched silk shirt...
MICHAEL
Oh. This is my father-in-law,
Walter.
Once again, she gracefully plucks two beers for the distinguished
father-in-law...
MICHAEL
How are you doing this? You're
on drugs.
Sets them down. The man has a smile wonderful in its ease.
Murmurs...
WALTER
If he gives you grief, I'll have
him skillfully beaten, where the
wounds won't show.
JULIANNE
I guess getting him whacked would
be politically out of the question.
WALTER
Under the circumstances. Charmed
to know you, Jules.
JULIANNE
Nice meeting you, too, Walt.
A nod between equals. She moves on...
MICHAEL
And, this guy, you know...
She sure does, and effortlessly balancing her one-hand load, she
dips to kiss a porky, balding guy with big-time shoulders.
Straight on the lips.
JULIANNE
Papa Joe.
They go way back. He is uncomfortable at this rich man's wedding,
even as gracious as everyone has been. His watering eyes twinkle
at her, and the voice has a trace of Boston...
JOE
You gonna be my boy's best man?
Despite SHOUTS from the others...
JULIANNE
Best everything, Joe. But I'm
going to dance with you.
MICHAEL
Dance? You don't dance! You
learn to dance??
Her innocent smile.
JULIANNE
Moves. You've never seen.
BIG reaction from the guys, as she heads toward Michael with the
last of the beers, not looking down at the FIELDER'S MITT which
lies right in her path, and as his lips part to scream a warning,
she skips...
... neatly AROUND it. He's in shock.
MICHAEL
You're an impostor! What have
you done with my best friend?
As he takes away the remaining beers...
MICHAEL
And how was the hot dog?
Hot dog? His eyes fix on her left breast. HUGE mustard stain.
She can't believe it.
MICHAEL
Cheap and unnecessary. We were
looking anyway.
EXT. LUXURY BOX ROOF - DAY
Michael and Julianne sit with their beers on the edge of the luxury
box roof. The game, the stadium, spread out beneath them. Yet
they are alone in the world. She dangles her legs, and we can hear
her kicking the glass below.
JULIANNE
I just admire your maturity,
that's all. I mean, there are
people who would find that kind of
perfection boring. Day after day,
year after year...
MICHAEL
... see, that's what I thought at
first. How can you like someone
that perfect? No potential for
long-range livability.
Drinking their beers. Side by side. Both stare only at the game.
MICHAEL
Luckily. The closer I watched,
the more the fault came into
focus. Each imperfection its own
adorable slice of vulnerability.
JULIANNE
Such as.
MICHAEL
She's too genuine.
JULIANNE
Hate that.
MICHAEL
How can you trust someone you
can never mistrust?
JULIANNE
What's next?
Keep sipping. Never look at each other.
MICHAEL
No matter how many times I
leave the toilet seat up, she
forgets and puts it down.
JULIANNE
Endearingly absent-minded.
MICHAEL
My very point. Here's another one...
Shakes his head. This one really gets him.
MICHAEL
Every day. She makes the bed.
JULIANNE
Quite the little eccentric.
MICHAEL
At first, I thought it was a
gag, but she's always done it!
This is not the ammunition Julianne was hoping for.
JULIANNE
Is there a coup de grace in
here, somewh...
MICHAEL
She admires. Tommy Lasorda.
JULIANNE
Waiter! Check, please!
MICHAEL
She finds him "personable."
JULIANNE
Can that kind of defect be
passed on genetically?
She looks over now. And Michael is looking back. Smiling the most
wonderful smile. Her reaction shows that she thinks it's for her,
until...
MICHAEL
Then again. She has a few good
traits.
Hating herself for asking, but seeing no way out...
JULIANNE
Gimme like, eight and nine off
the top ten list...
MICHAEL
First girl I ever knew. Who
lets me give her a bath.
The look in his eyes. She can hardly bear it.
MICHAEL
And when I hug her, even in
public. I don't have to let go
right away. She lets me hold
her as long as I want.
He seems so deeply in love.
MICHAEL
Nice kid, don't you think?
A beat. A slow nod. A quiet...
JULIANNE
Looks like, from here.
INT. SOUTH SIDE CLUB - NIGHT
A slender black woman sings a SOARING Gospel number, backed by
three ladies who could each solo in any church choir. It is
mesmerizing, stirring, transcendent. The unseen audience CLAPPING
FIERCELY in rhythm, SHOUTING support. SLOW PAN now...
... every face is black. We aren't in church at all, but a
venerable blue club. One of those places you'd swear everybody's
played, from Robert Johnson to Bessie Smith and back again. As
the song ends, there is APPLAUSE, some RAPPING on tables with their
knuckles or their drunks. We keep PANNING to a far corner. Three
faces.
Julianne leans across her beer to Kimmy...
JULIANNE
How'd you find this pl...
Kim shaking her head. Looks admiringly to Michael...
KIMMY
Lived here my whole life,
never heard of it. Until
our first date.
She reaches slender fingers. Traces one back along his hair.
KIMMY
He finds all these spots,
everywhere he goes, it's a
mystical gift.
MICHAEL (shy)
Jesus, one d-back from the Bears
knows a place...
KIMMY
It's not just clubs. This guy
always knows the best everything.
The best guitar store, the best
beef ribs, the best Horowitz record,
was he always like the...
JULIANNE
... always. The best dim sum, the
best camping stuff...
KIMMY
Stop, we're embarrassing h...
JULIANNE
... best valley in New Zealand,
best... women's shoes...
MICHAEL
I tried those on. When you
weren't looking.
Now he's grinning at Julianne. And she likes that a lot.
JULIANNE
Where was that, Florence, huh?
MICHAEL
Firenze.
Together in the memory. As Kimmy watches.
JULIANNE
The Vespa? Me hanging on behind
in the rain all night?
MICHAEL
Till the gas ran out.
And, the first sniff of left-out...
KIMMY
I love Florence.
Julianne's eyes flicker. Could this be a teensy opening? Keeps
her eyes, her easy smile, and her killer instincts trained on
Michael.
JULIANNE
Take her there.
He nods, okay.
JULIANNE
I mean, now. She's perky,
she deserves a honeymoon.
He draws a breath...
JULIANNE
I heard. If San Antone sweeps
Sacramento. What is this shit?
You gotta get off the road by
September anyway, when does Fall
Quarter start?
And the happy couple look at each other. They are awkward.
Julianne's heart soar like eagle.
KIMMY
Uh. I'm not coming back. For
senior year.
Could this be. The Mother Lode?
JULIANNE
Don't architects find a degree,
sort of... an asset?
The couple still staring in each other's eyes.
KIMMY
Well, the school will be here.
Architecture will still be around.
Right now...
MICHAEL
I travel every week. College
ball, motor sports, training
camps...
KIMMY
The most important thing. Is
being together.
And she smiles. Beautifully.
KIMMY
I'm just a baby. I've got all...
the time... in the world.
EXT. CLUB - NIGHT
Michael putting Kim in the back of a cab. As Julianne watches.
MICHAEL
Because I could come...
KIMMY
To the twins' soiree? So they
can paw you and drool...?
JULIANNE (calls out, helpful)
They're gonna drool anyway!
Kim smiles. He kisses her, tenderly, through the open window. She
waves past him at Julianne.
KIMMY (to both)
Enjoy each other.
And drives off. As he watches after, Julianne comes up behind him.
Slips her hand up onto his shoulder muscle. Starts giving a little
massage.
JULIANNE
Should I whistle down a cab?
MICHAEL
Hey, cabs are expensive. I'm
cheap, remember?
Turns his head, to see her. She's still rubbing his shoulder.
JULIANNE
Sometimes. About the dumbest
things.
Share a smile. As always, it covers a lot of years.
MICHAEL
The El's right down the street.
Unless you're afraid of the
neighborhood.
She looks around. It is an issue. But she remembers...
JULIANNE
No. I'm always safe with you.
She means that. He takes her by the hand. They begin walking...
JULIANNE
Pretty amazing girl, you've got.
Make that kind of sacrifice.
MICHAEL
What, leaving school...
JULIANNE
... all of it. She's leaving her
family, her friends, everything she
knows. She's putting her career
on hold, and she seems a pretty
ambitious, driven, kind of pers...
MICHAEL (quietly)
In her way.
JULIANNE
All to follow you in this dumb
job, where you travel 52 weeks
a year to College Station, Texas,
and such. It's not a job for a
grown man, Michael, Peter Pan
never married.
He's let go of her hand now. Looking down at the pavement before
him, fists in his jacket pockets.
JULIANNE (softly)
I don't think she's naturally
the... submissive type. Aren't you
afraid she's gonna choke on this
stand-by-your-man shit after awhi...
MICHAEL (real quiet)
No.
Hit a nerve. This is promising.
JULIANNE
I mean Walter owns the Sox, cable
sports... most girls in her spot would
be angling to get Daddy to offer you
some juicy gig right here in t...
MICHAEL
She would never. Never. Even think
of that.
Paydirt. Julianne's Geiger Counter is going berserk.
JULIANNE
I guess you're right. That would
be deceitful... manipulative...
controlling... emascula...
MICHAEL
I got the point.
He looks over at her. No smile on his face. An edge we haven't
seen. She shrugs...
JULIANNE
Still. All's fair in love and
w...
MICHAEL
That would be a girl. I don't
even know.
They've reached the stairs to the El. A rickety train RATTLES
above them. As they start up, she slips her arm around his
waist...
JULIANNE (murmurs)
Forgive me, okay? I was talkin'
crazy.
He slides his arm around her shoulder. Pals. They climb out of
frame.
INT. HOTEL BATHROOM - LATE NIGHT
CLOSE on a shallow pool of water in a bathroom sink. Green powder
pouring in, a hand SWIRLING it around, until...
JULIANNE (O.S.)
It's Albanian, I think. Or Mongolian.
Or Canadian. One of those. I bought
it downstairs...
... it becomes truly disgusting lumpy green mud.
JULIANNE (O.S.)
I figure, what the hell. Can it
make me look worse?
Follow the hand up as it SLATHERS the shit across her face in great
green dripping gobs. She's juggling the wall phone, trying to keep
it mudless, as she assures Digger...
JULIANNE
Dig, of course. Of course, of
course, of course, of course I
have a plan. Certainment!
More green slime. The Julianne we know disappears.
JULIANNE
How? I ask myself, what would
Lucy Ricardo do in this situa...
Desecrates three hotel towels, wiping her hand.
JULIANNE
Well, one worked, once.
THROWS them in the bathtub. Fastidiousness a short suit.
JULIANNE
Ricky wouldn't let her in
the show.
Reaches for her toothbrush, absently. All her attention is on the
conversation and the hideous green face in the mirror.
JULIANNE
I recall it differently, but
we digress.
Without looking, picks up a tube of hotel shampoo...
JULIANNE
So in the version, you're Ethel,
with better fashion instincts.
Squeezes it all over the toothbrush.
JULIANNE
This puts you in charge of Plan B,
the unprincipled and insanely
dangerous back-up plan...
Lifts it toward her mouth, liquid shampoo dripping from the
bristles.
JULIANNE
In case simple lying doesn't work.
At the last second. She stops. We don't know why, because she's
still never looked at the brush.
JULIANNE
Question. What happens if you
brush your teeth with shampoo?
Turns on the tap. Tries to scrub the toothbrush clean, and DROPS
the phone into the green swamp, which SPATTERS all over her front.
Euucch. She's stymied, agitated, circling the sink, leaning down
to it...
JULIANNE
HOLD ON. I'M COMING IN FOR YOU!
She sets the toothbrush down in her toiletries kit. Decides to
YANK on the phone's cord, and the receiver SPRINGS out, BOPPING
her in the face. She's so filthy at this point, she just wipes it
clean on her nightshirt. Tells Digger...
JULIANNE
You okay? This is one of those
problem phones.
Lifts the toothbrush and tube of paste from her kit.
JULIANNE
Right. Your role. You know guys
from Sports Illustrated, yes? I
mean, you can walk right in there...
Squeezes on the paste, lifts the brush to her mouth...
JULIANNE
You could get access to letterhead,
for example.
JAMS it in her mouth, brushing as...
JULIANNE (mouthful)
... or even, maybe, their fax.
Stops. The funniest look on her face. Down to the toothpaste
tube...
Which says BEN GAY.
Oh.
INT. TIFFANY'S - MORNING
Julianne and Kimmy cruise the stately display cases. Everywhere,
the Tiffany logo, the silent, watchful staff in morning coats. As
they browse, Julianne takes a blueberry Danish from a paper sack,
and begins to eat.
The staff notices. So does Kim.
JULIANNE
It's an homage thing.
Hmm?
JULIANNE
Awkward girls grow up on Audrey
Hepburn movies. You wouldn't
understand.
Kimmy doesn't. But wipes a blue glob from Julianne's face.
KIMMY
Anyway, I think you're wrong.
Wrong?
KIMMY
What you were saying before.
Before?
KIMMY
About Michael's job.
JULIANNE
Oh, that. I forgot I even said
th...
KIMMY
I just think you're wrong, is all.
JULIANNE
Probably am. Forget I brought it
up.
Points to some jade pins. Kimmy wrinkles her nose.
KIMMY
I mean, he loves his job.
JULIANNE
Bad games, bad towns, bad pay, bad
flights, bad hotels, real bad food.
Homeless, rootless, lonely, maybe
your copy gets into one issue out
of four...
Smiles.
JULIANNE
What's not to love?
None of this is lost on Kimmy. She's wondered the same.
KIMMY
But he always says...
JULIANNE
... whatever is manly and
independent.
Kim nods slowly. Way ahead of her.
JULIANNE
Why would he trade that for
running, say, a big piece of
the PR at a powerful, complex,
challenging conglomerate like
your dad's?
Kim stares back. A strange look.
KIMMY
That's just the sort of thing
my father and I discussed.
Julianne just blinks. Amazed.
JULIANNE
I'm not stupid. Say, how
about this?
Pointing to tiny golden scissors in the novelty case. Kim so
absorbed by the main topic, she has to force herself to focus on...
KIMMY
For the twins? What in the
world is th...
JULIANNE
Gold nose hair clippers.
Points to the tiny hand-lettered sign. Indeed. Kimmy shrugs, not
quite it.
KIMMY
So you don't think Michael's
as happy with his job as...
Julianne points to a matched pair of large...
KIMMY
Gold dog collars? They don't
have dogs.
JULIANNE
Hello.
Kim nods, oh. But can't keep her mind off...
KIMMY
You think he'd accept?
Hmm?
KIMMY
Michael. A job like that.
Oh, well...
JULIANNE
By any yardstick that involves
sanity, it would be the greatest
thing that ever happened to him.
Present company excepted.
Kimmy nodding slowly. Her yearing achingly apparent.
JULIANNE
On the other hand, he's proud.
Last thing a man wants to admit,
is being trapped in a dispiriting
dead-end job that can never
support a family.
A very sweet smile.
JULIANNE
Throw a man a life preserver.
He'll say, "Thanks, anyway,
I'd rather drown."
Kim nods again. Right. They are so bonded at this moment.
KIMMY
So... one almost has to...
JULIANNE
Exactly.
KIMMY
Exactly what?
JULIANNE
What you said. Make it appear
that he's doing you the favor.
Kimmy bites her lip. Her eyes go down. Self-conscious to admit...
JULIANNE
I couldn't really... do that.
After, you know...
Her voice trails off.
JULIANNE (kind, but wise)
... lying. All the time.
That brings the gray eyes up. Julianne bats her dark ones...
JULIANNE
Oh, darling, my pitiful desires
and ambitions are dirt beneath
the manly boots of your priorities!
Kimmy has to smile small. A self-awe gal.
JULIANNE (pouring it on)
Two hundred seedy motels a year?
Dinners out of vending machines?
Waiting for you in vermin-infested
corridors of dark crotch-rot locker
rooms? This stuff makes me hot!!
KIMMY
The very words I've used.
Julianne 'thinks it over.' Kimmy waits for guidance.
JULIANNE
We make Dad your co-conspirator.
Michael does a favor for Walter.
Simple.
JULIANNE
Walter's reorganizing his public
relations, needs a brilliant guy
who's close to him, who he can
completely trust.
Kimmy nodding. Hope overriding reason.
JULIANNE
So you beg. Michael, please do
this for Daddy, please, please,
please, blah, blah, blah... it's
only for six months... it would
mean so much to me to help him out...
Turns up her palms. Viola!
KIMMY
He'll see right through it.
JULIANNE
Only. If he wants to.
They share a smile.
JULIANNE
In six months, he'll be happy,
settled, successful...
KIMMY
He won't get mad, huh?
MR. MOONEY (O.S.)
May I be of any help, whatsoever?
Mr. Mooney is the most gracious Brit salesperson ever to offer
kindness, intelligence and thoughtfulness to a customer. He is
large, sixty, with disappearing hair, watering eyes, and a manner
that makes you think of immediately hiring a butler.
JULIANNE
Bridesmaid gifts for two, well,
assertive, outspoken, Tennessee
debutantes.
KIMMY (still focused)
He won't be mad?
JULIANNE (to Mooney)
Nothing here seems to quite capture
their distinctive personalities.
MR. MOONEY
Something customized, perhaps?
We can fashion most any item
from gold.
Ah. Julianne nodding. Reflecting.
MR. MOONEY
An object that might represent
what is closest. To their heart.
KIMMY (under her breath)
Don't even think dildo.
Julianne digs through her jumbled bag...
JULIANNE
Could you do this...
Tossing an object on the counter...
JULIANNE
In 24 carat?
It is a MASTERCARD. A gold one.
KIMMY (softly)
Bingo.
They smile at each other. More bonded than ever.
KIMMY
You don't think he'll be mad.
A beat. Can Julianne even make herself do this?
JULIANNE
Your call. You can live a lie.
In a fabulous selection of Red
Roof Inns. Or you can make one
desperate stab at hap...
KIMMY
I just don't want to freak him
out.
What do you think? Julianne stares into the soft gray eyes. It's
now or never. The smile of a dear sister...
JULIANNE
How mad could he get?
INT. FASHION RESTAURANT - LUNCH HOUR
Julianne enters with a really nervous Kimberly in tow. Approaches
the maitre d'. We CLOSE to hear...
MAITRE D'
Oh, Mr. Wallace and his guests
have retired to the humidor.
Points to an escalator, leading to the mezzanine. Behind a glass
wall, what looks like a British men's club. Thirty guys and a
billion cigars. As Julianne starts toward it...
MAITRE D'
Oh. Mademoiselle.
She turns back. Loves this shit.
MAITRE D'
It's unofficial, of course. But,
traditionally, the humidor is for
gentlemen, only...
JULIANNE
Great. I've got this girlfriend
at the Justice Department? With
all this time on her hands?
Her look is every bit as hard as his. He gestures to the
escalator. She takes Kimmy's hand, and up they go. We can see
Walter in a big leather chair, enjoying a major stogie. Kimmy
licks her lips.
They enter. Every head turns. A nice range of reactions, from
offended to attracted and points in between.
JULIANNE (murmurs)
Piece of cake. I'll hang, and
think happy thoughts...
Kimmy nods. Heads over toward her father. Julianne walks,
confidently, even provocatively, to the wall lined with bins of
cigars. Every eye in the place is on her butt.
She runs her fingers over a few contenders. Plucks one out,
examines it, puts it back. Walks a little farther. Selects
another, big and black. Rolls it expertly in her fingers. Sniffs
along its length.
A guy comes over. Could be 40, successful, a broker's pin-stripe.
Nearly as attractive as he thinks he is.
GUY
Know what you're looking for,
little lady?
Little lady, huh? She glances at his coven of buddies, who pretend
not to notice. Then, straight to the guy's blue eyes.
JULIANNE
Yeah. Do you?
GUY
I asked first.
Ah. Wit. She holds up her cigar...
JULIANNE
I like 'em long and hard. Kind
of... big around.
Runs it under her nose.
JULIANNE
Smell is important, I'm a believer
in that.
Takes a match from a cut crystal bowl.
JULIANNE
But you never know what you've
got. Till you run your tongue
over it.
And she does. Moistening the full length of the cigar. The boys
are laughing openly. She STRIKES the match. As she lights up...
GUY
I meant. What you're looking for
in a man.
She glances at his wedding ring. Then, straight into his eyes.
JULIANNE
Actually, I'm partial to married
gentlemen.
The way she says that. The guy swallows. We can see some of the
air has been sucked from the room.
GUY
Why is that?
JULIANNE
It's so much time. When I phone
the wives.
Explosive LAUGHTER from the peanut gallery. As she jams the big
Clemente Churchill into her mouth, she sees Kimmy waving her over
from across the room. Without even looking at the guy she's just
put away...
... she crosses the room, Walter stands politely, looking very
dapper, very powerful, and focusing on her with considerable
interest. He waits until she sits on the edge of a costly leather
hassock.
WALTER
(simply)
Your idea?
She can't read this guy. Maybe that's how he built an empire. She
nods, yeah.
WALTER
You're a woman of insight.
He sits on the arm of his chair. Close enough to speak quietly.
WALTER
My wife and I love this marriage,
and deplore its circumstances.
He puffs his cigar. Julianne puffs her. Kimmy looks on, a kid
watching the grown-ups...
WALTER
As you guessed, my daughter is
unhappy about giving up her life.
And, in my opinion, cowardly in
avoiding the necessary confrontation.
Then he stops. As if reading Julianne's eyes.
WALTER
Mike has a world of ability.
I'd do anything to have him in
my company.
One more puff.
WALTER
Except ask him.
Julianne is a little stunned. Kimmy looks helpless.
WALTER
He'd resent it. And me. And,
most important, Kim.
No smile on his lips. Straight talk.
WALTER
He's a great kid, but he's still
a kid. Instead of recognizing
that his resistance comes from
insecurity, he'd turn it to anger.
To protect himself...
Spreads his hands...
WALTER
... from realizing that he's
ignoring my daughter's needs,
despite how very much he loves her.
He looks to his daughter now.
WALTER
They both have some growing up
to do. But they're good people,
they're starting with love.
They've got time.
JULIANNE
(softly)
I think you're making a mistake,
sir.
His eyes come back to her. A little sharply.
WALTER
And that interests me. How
someone who knows him so well
could be so wrong.
A formidable guy. She meets his gaze.
JULIANNE
See, I love him, too, as much
as anyone here. And for a
whole lot longer.
From her heart.
JULIANNE
I think I know best what would
make him happy.
INT. TOILET STALL - DAY
Julianne, fully dressed, sits on the closed lid of a toilet seat.
The stall is tiny enough to arouse claustrophobia in an astronaut.
Her cellular phone pressed to her ear, she is listening angrily,
smoking ferociously, every call in her body running at red-line.
JULIANNE
Okay, okay, okay, okay, I hear
you, all right?
She closes her eyes.
JULIANNE
It is stupid, dishonest, desperate
beyond belief, and can't possibly
ever work. It can only end in
humiliation and disgrace. Now can
I say two words?
Deep drag on the cigarette. For strength.
JULIANNE
Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it!
Do it! Do it!
She's striped her gears. COUGHS horribly.
JULIANNE
All right, twelve words.
INT. PUBLIC RESTROOM - DAY
Julianne exits the stall. To face three BLACK TEENAGE GIRLS. Just
staring at her.
TEENAGER
(supportive)
You do it, girl.
Julianne nods to the kids. They nod back. Damn straight. She
exits the restroom, into...
... glaring sunlight. We are in the middle of the BROOKFIELD ZOO.
And sitting on a bench, eating popcorn from a bag...
MICHAEL
Wow. What was going on in
there?
She shudders.
JULIANNE
Some crazy person.
EXT. ZOO - DAY
Michael and Julianne walking together. He's eating his popcorn.
She carries a cardboard container with nachos, a gooey fudge waffle
cone, and a large drink.
MICHAEL
You're not eating.
JULIANNE
I never eat when I'm serene.
MICHAEL
You never eat when you're
despondent.
JULIANNE
I switched that around when you
weren't looking.
She swirls a single nacho chip in cheese. But her heart isn't in it.
MICHAEL
Last zoo we were in was...
Beijing, yeah? Sure. The rhinos
were fucking.
JULIANNE
Boy, those were the days.
And when she looks over. His eyes are waiting.
MICHAEL
(softly)
Yeah, they were.
They're passing the hippo pen. But they don't notice.
JULIANNE
That was nice. The way you
said that.
So was that. He's feeling restless, something. Doesn't know quite
what to say.
MICHAEL
It's weird being the groom. All
these things Kimmy has to take
care of...
JULIANNE
You need a baby-sitter. That's
what I'm here for.
He holds her eyes. Then looks down. Awkward. And the way he's
doing it begins to excite her.
JULIANNE
Say it.
He looks up, neither one of them noticing that as they walk, she is
about to...
... CRASH into a chest-high metal stand that displays animal facts.
We have followed him as she is WIPED from frame. His face from
shock... to amusement.
MICHAEL
Now, there's my girl.
... to tenderness. PAN back to see her wearing everything from her
cardboard container. Nachos, fudge sauce, Diet Coke, the works.
It is really awful. Kids, bystanders, laughing cruelly. Her eyes
fill with tears, and she tries bravely to smile against it...
JULIANNE
See, I can only do it with
beer.
He takes out his handkerchief. And with that and his hands, gently
scoops the worst of the mess off her. The fact that he's touching
her breasts and her body is something they pretend not to notice.
She laughs softly, and a few tears fall, even though she doesn't
know why. Such an odd, raw, confusing moment. To the world
looking on, they are lovers.
MICHAEL
(murmurs)
See, better already.
And he kisses her face. Not quite her lips. But only an inch away.
We can feel her heart pounding. He strips off his shirt, only a tank
top underneath.
MICHAEL
We'll go back to the bathroom,
you'll put this on...
Okay? She sniffles, okay. Swallows.
JULIANNE
Bet you're glad I'm here to
take care of you.
He puts his arm around her.
MICHAEL
Bet I am.
Holds her close, as they start toward the restroom...
MICHAEL
Hope that crazy person's not
still there.
We're on their backs...
JULIANNE (O.S.)
She doesn't scare me.
EXT. BEACH CLUB, LAKE MICHIGAN - SUNSET
Julianne in T-shirt and shorts, rushes onto the deck of a sprawling
beach club. Clutching her bag, she quickly surveys the scene...
... the entire beach has been taken over by the wedding party.
Young folks, old folks, little kids, maybe 200 people. We SCAN
with her to find a crowd around...
... a three-on-three volleyball game. Kimmy and two groomsmen on
one side, facing Michael and the Tennessee debs. The twins wear
spectacular bikinis and are surprisingly athletic, as well as
predictably uninhabited. As the next point begins, Kimmy serves...
... Sammy in back makes a nice dig, lobbing to Mandy who sets for
Michael's vicious SPIKE straight THROUGH his best man's hapless
defense. The crowd cheers Michael, and as he turns, Mandy gives
him a savage...
... CHEST BUMP of congratulation, that any NFL linebacker would be
proud of. It puts the surprised Michael straight on his butt.
Laughter, applause. The twins pull him up and Sammy gives him a
hot kiss on his ear that makes the crowd react. Kim plays good
sport. Julianne watches Michael's body for a beat, then...
... dashes off. Down the beach, several barbecue grills have been
set up. Manned by beach club staff and family alike. Michael's
pop, Joe, is dispensing beers from a keg. Kim's mom, Isabelle, is
coordinating the beans, potato salad and corn-on-the-cob table.
Julianne races across the sand to...
... a huge smoky grill where Walter is basting baby back ribs,
clearly enjoying himself. Julianne runs up to him, says something
into his ear. He looks at her. Then turns his station over to a
club steward, and follows Julianne down toward the lakeside.
CLOSE now. As they stroll together, she's a little breathless.
He's watching her profile, curious, silent. At the water's edge...
JULIANNE
(whispers)
Is anybody watching?
WALTER
I hope so. This is all too
mysterious to waste on just me.
She reaches into her big bag. Pulls out a single folded sheet of
paper.
JULIANNE
I picked up Michael's messages
for him, at our hotel. I stole
one...
His face darkens. The easy smile fades. He holds up his palms...
WALTER
Julianne, reading my son-in-law's
mail, is not something...
JULIANNE
Sir, this is important! Haven't
you ever in your life cut one
corner, to make something important
turn out right?
His smile returns. Just a little.
WALTER
Matter of fact, that's how I got
married.
The look holds. She thrusts the paper out. He still doesn't take
it.
JULIANNE
It's a fax from Sports Illustrated
from Ben Isaacson, Michael's boss.
WALTER
(quickly)
I know Ben.
She opens the paper.
JULIANNE
"Mike. We still have no answer to
our E-mail of Wednesday. Which
option do you select? I don't mean
to rush you, but Personnel needs to
tie up the loose ends."
He takes the paper. We see it now. Looks authentic.
JULIANNE
I think he's been fired.
WALTER
It doesn't say th...
JULIANNE
He's said some things over the
past few weeks. Look, this is why
I came up with the idea of you
offering him a job.
He looks up. He's listening. Closely.
JULIANNE
And why I couldn't say anything
before in front of Kim.
She bites her lip. Seems so earnest.
JULIANNE
I just think of how... desperate
he must be feeling. He's marrying
a rich man's daughter, and he's
about to become destitute. You
know the kind of job market he'll
be facing?
He does.
WALTER
And you think he's kept this to
himself.
JULIANNE
He's too proud to beg for help.
And if you wait till this comes out,
your offer will be like charity.
Completely humiliating.
He's staring at her. But his mind is working behind his eyes.
JULIANNE
If you do it now, it's like he's
helping you. He can accept with
dignity.
He taps the paper with the back of his knuckles.
WALTER
This fax could mean... any number
of things...
She nods. She knows that.
WALTER
(softly)
Maybe. I should call Ben.
JULIANNE
Then it could all come out, sooner
or later. Nobody should be in on
this. Just you and me. Or, more
correctly, I.
She takes the paper back.
JULIANNE
What if, what if I could find
that E-mail?
The long straight look. Maybe he's hooked.
JULIANNE
I never noticed. Kimmy has your
eyes.
INT. LOBBY, RITZ CARLTON HOTEL - TWILIGHT
Tall, gangly, young DESK CLERK. Lank hair, pimples. He looks up,
beams to see...
JULIANNE
Hello, again.
She's flirting her ass off.
JULIANNE
You still haven't straightened
that tie.
And she reaches across the desk with her lovely, slender hands.
Does it for him. Her fingers brush his chest on the way back. We
can assume a woody.
JULIANNE
You know, my friend, the one
whose message I picked up... ?
He does. His eyes flick toward his stately female SUPERVISOR,
helping another guest across the way.
JULIANNE
Well, he's still with the wedding
party. And he asked me to get
something he needs real badly from
his room... ?
The boy swallows hard.
JULIANNE
He's in 1526. If you could just
let me ha...
BOY
See that woman?
Not only does Julianne see her. The woman is looking back, while
she's talking to her customer. Not a pleasant look.
BOY
She said, if I ever pull a stunt
like that again...
JULIANNE
You'll lose your job...
BOY
... tear my pecker off. Is what
she said.
INT. HOTEL CORRIDOR - TWILIGHT
An elevator OPENS, revealing Julianne, carrying a gym bag. She
looks down the long hallway, sees a maid's cart. Heads the other
way, briskly, to...
... a small ALCOVE. Opens the gym bag, pulling out a bath towel.
Begins to yank her top up OVER her head...
ANGLE... the young MAID now pushing her cart down the hall, wheels
SQUEAKING, and from nowhere...
... Julianne DARTS into her path, barely covered by the towel held
tight across her, she is grinning, blushing.
JULIANNE
Help me!
The maid can only blink.
JULIANNE
I locked myself out, 1526, please
hurry!!
And looks frantically up the hall, mortified that any moment a
stranger could happen upon her predicament. Her eyes dart back to
the maid. PLEASE. The maid just stares. Stares.
JULIANNE
Uno-cinco-does-ses.
Oh.
INT. MICHAEL'S ROOM - TWILIGHT
Julianne alone in his room, looking around frantically. No worries
about this guy making his bed every day, stuff, clothes, strewn
everywhere, the bathroom looks like a cherry bomb just detonated.
She's tramping through a bachelor's debris, wearing only her towel,
looking, looking...
There it is. The corner of his LAPTOP sticking out from beneath a
discarded bedspread. She SNATCHES it up, OPENS it, sets it on the
cluttered desk, and...
... stops. There are wallet-sized SNAPSHOTS of Kimmy. Some alone.
Some as a little girl. Some with Michael. And next to them...
... the plastic fold-out wallet inset. That he has not yet quite
rearranged. So she picks it up. Leafs through, until she finds
what she was praying would be there...
... Julianne grinning. Michael's arm around her. On the deck of a
boat. They have drinks in their hands. Happiness in their eyes.
And she stares at it. Jesus, God, how long has he carried this
around? She flips through further, all the rest have her in them.
Maybe half a dozen. Her heart is throbbing. Her eyes are damp.
Back to the one on the boat. She slips it from the plastic window.
Holds it. Then, gently...
... puts it back where it belongs. PUNCHES up the goddamn laptop.
This is it, girl! Do or die.
JULIANNE
(murmurs)
You wouldn't change your
password, would you? You
never change anything.
Those words make her bite her lip. Damn, I'm becoming a senti-
mental slob. TYPES in...
JULIANNE
(murmurs)
Shoeless... Joe.
Yes! We're in! Punching keys. Letters flying across the screen.
Okay, we're ready. Types...
JULIANNE
(reads as she types)
Mike. I hate this downsizing
shit as much as you do. But I
know this can't become as a
complete surprise...
INT. BEACH CLUB CARD ROOM - EVENING
Through the window, the wedding party barbecue has extended into
night. Lanterns, music, lots more food, lots more drinks. In the
distance, on the sand, Michael is slowdancing with Kimmy. Some-
where nearby, the soft CLICKING of keys. We PULL BACK to see...
... a small clubby room. Books, leather, polished woods. Only
two people here. Walter, looking on stony-faced, as a determined
Julianne grimly "struggles" to "find" what she's looking for in
Michael's laptop. And then...
... she stops typing. Looks at the text on the screen. Her eyes
sharpen as she "reads" what Walter can't see. It's an Oscar
performance for our desperate girl. She turns the screen around...
WALTER
(reads)
Mike. I hate this downsizing...
He reads. Reads. Reads. All the air comes out of him.
WALTER
(softly)
And Kimmy doesn't know.
She shakes her head. Nope. No way.
WALTER
(signs)
I'll tell her I've reconsidered.
She nods, gravely. Right. He looks in her eyes.
WALTER
You're a smart girl, Jules.
She forces up a fleeting smile of gratitude. But Walter isn't
smiling at all.
WALTER
Wish my daughter. Bad your
guts.
INT. CHARLES TROTTER'S BAR - NIGHT
The hot saloon in Chinatown. Upscale, downscale, jammed, Michael
and Kimmy at a small table in a far corner. CLOSE on them...
MICHAEL
Sure you're okay?
She looks really scared. Turns her drink in her hand. Looking
down at it.
MICHAEL
It's not just a gag, huh?
KIMMY
No, it's, uh... a real big favor.
He takes her hand, tenderly.
MICHAEL
I wish you'd just... come out
with it. I mean why are we
waiting for Jules?
She smiles up at him. The best she can.
KIMMY
Moral support.
She loves him so much, and she is sick with worry.
KIMMY
What's good of having a big
sister, if she...
Stops. Gestures with her eyes. Because her big sister has just
entered...
... looking fabulous. Julianne wears a long sleek sarong, slightly
see-through. Her hair is bound up with silver pins. As she moves
through the room toward us, we can see that, for once, her make-up
is flawless, understated. When she arrives at the table...
... Michael is beaming, admiringly. He stands up.
MICHAEL
(softly)
Wow and wow. You have a date,
after this?
JULIANNE
Never can tell.
He holds her chair. She exchanges an intimate smile with the
anxious Kim.
MICHAEL
You make me think of that song,
we used to...
And he starts humming. The song is, "The Way You Look Tonight."
MICHAEL
(singing)
Someday. When I'm awfully low...
They sit. He looks from Julianne to his bride.
MICHAEL
Okay, kid. You're on.
Kim's eyes flick to Julianne, who nods, supportively. The kid
takes a breath.
KIMMY
It's really my father. Who
needs the favor.
His face sort of comes to a stop. Nothing she can read, yet. He
nods, yeah...?
KIMMY
He's... he's reorganizing some of
the divisions of the company...
His eyes flick to Julianne. She looks down.
MICHAEL
(quiet)
He never mentioned that. Neither
did y...
KIMMY
(blurting)
... and public relations is a big
problem area for him.
She can see it now. In his eyes. She just can't tell how bad.
KIMMY
He needs someone incredible,
someone really close, who he
can trust...
MICHAEL
Like family, huh?
So quiet. So cold. She is terrified.
KIMMY
It would only be, maybe, six
months? Or three or four? It
would mean so much to him...
MICHAEL
To him.
She swallows. Straightens her spine.
KIMMY
And to m...
MICHAEL
(sharp, to Julianne)
... and you knew about this.
Real quiet. Against the noise of this place.
JULIANNE
I think you ought to listen to
her, Michael. This is her life,
too.
Just the thing. To bring that anger near the surface. He turns
to Kim...
MICHAEL
Well, which is it?
A demand. Sharp. Accusing. She doesn't like that...
MICHAEL
You gonna tell me Daddy thought
this one up? All of a sudden, I'm
the only jerk alive who can help
him deal with the press?
She's trapped. Angry, scared. A deer in headlights.
MICHAEL
Why don't you start being honest
for one fucking sec...
JULIANNE
Michael!!
KIMMY
(near tears)
I am honest!
Silence.
KIMMY
All of a sudden, I'm supposed to
drop out of school, forget my
family, forget my career, forget
all the plans I had for my life...
MICHAEL
Well, forgive me for screwing up
your plans!
He can't even believe he's hearing this.
MICHAEL
I'm sure glad I'm hearing all
this now, before it's too late!
KIMMY
What is that sup...
MICHAEL
And what am I supposed to do with
my life, huh? I am 28 years old!
I work in a low-paying, low-status,
zero-respect job which,
unfortunately, I happen to fucking
love. How inconvenient.
Shrugs.
MICHAEL
No problem. A little bullshit
about Daddy's "needs," and presto,
I'm a lap dog in high society.
JULIANNE
(softly)
Michael, it sounds like a
wonderful opportun...
MICHAEL
(whips around)
Does it, really? How come you
never took some sell-out
establishment job? You had plenty
of chances!
Glares in her eyes.
MICHAEL
I'll tell you why. Because that
isn't you. And it isn't me,
either! We're the same person!
Back to Kim...
MICHAEL
What a sweet little picture. Mommy
and Daddy aren't losing a daughter,
they're gaining a eunuch!
KIMMY
Well, if that's the way you f...
MICHAEL
Damn straight, it's how I feel!
What's their wedding gift, a little
gold collar that says "Mikey-poo"?
Or do I have to change my name to "Binky"?
She's crying now. Real tears on her face.
MICHAEL
Great! Tears! The big equalizer.
You wait till two days before the
wedding to drop this on me, and
I'm just supposed to roll over and
drool!
She is sobbing now. She can't help herself. Which makes him
totally crazy. He jumps up.
MICHAEL
Fine. I'm an insensitive, chauvinist
asshole, and you're well rid of m...
KIMMY
MICHAEL!!
A wrenching cry from her heart. It stops him cold. And before
Julianne's astonished eyes, Kimmy reaches out a trembling hand...
KIMMY
Michael, you are so...
Choking back the sobs.
KIMMY
... so right. And I am so very
wrong.
Michael blinks. Julianne blinks. For different reasons.
KIMMY
We can't go down two roads. And
still be together.
Her fingers stretch, beckoning.
JULIANNE
Uh, Kimmy...?
KIMMY
(ignores her)
We settled this. And I reneged.
That wasn't fair.
Please, please, take my hand.
KIMMY
You have to forgive me, and forget
this ever happened...
People are watching, staring. These two see only each other.
KIMMY
... or I'll die.
A frozen, forever moment. He steps to her...
... LIFTS her up in his arms. Into the deepest, most heartfelt
KISS. And as she clings to him, people begins to APPLAUD, and
whistle, and laugh.
Julianne. In her pretty dress. Closes her eyes.
INT.JULIANNE'S HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT
Julianne in her nightshirt, her back to us, sobbing into her
cellular as she paces the room...
JULIANNE
... see that's what I never
counted on! I never heard of
a brilliant moron before!
We CLOSE as she WHIPS around, startling us with her grotesque day-
glo PURPLE face mask. The green was better.
JULIANNE
I mean, the little twerp
GROVELED!!
Losing it. We know the drill.
JULIANNE
SHE IS SO WRONG FOR HIM!
Clutching the phone.
JULIANNE
Michael and I are the same person!
Self-absorbed and imperfect and
vaguely loveable! We deserve
each other!
Tears are flowing. Which, over this mask, is not a pretty sight.
JULIANNE
I'm out of hope, I'm out of sneaky
ideas, I'm at the end of my
rapidly-fraying hysterical little
rope! Help m...
She TRIPS over an open suitcase, and DISAPPEARS from frame. The
THUD is slightly alarming.
JULIANNE (O.S.)
God, I hate this hotel.
HOLD. On nothing is particular.
JULIANNE (O.S.)
And I hate talking to your machine!
INT. JULIANNE'S ROOM - EARLY MORNING
REAR VIEW of Julianne asleep on the floor, sunlight streaming in.
A soft knocking on a door, somewhere nearby. She barely stirs.
The knock becomes a strong RAPPING, and she fights for conscious-
ness. Her back still to us, she...
... rises, STUMBLES to the door, which is now pulsing with an
insistent POUNDING, and THROWS it OPEN, as we SNAP to...
REVERSE ANGLE... CLOSE on Julianne's face, still encased in a now-
decomposing PURPLE MASK, her eyes SPRINGING wide, she SCREAMS in
shock, and we SNAP BACK to...
ORIGINAL ANGLE... Digger, watching impassively at the high-strung
SHRIEK. In the silence that follows...
DIGGER
You stole my line.
He touches his face, and she realizes!
JULIANNE
Oh, shit!
Starts CLAWING at the overripe mask, but he grabs her wrists.
DIGGER
Chill. We don't want your face
coming off with it.
JULIANNE
Chill? Since when do you say
ch...
DIGGER
When I'm talking to children.
She looks in his eyes. Realizing at last.
JULIANNE
You flew all the way h...
DIGGER
I noticed. I'm on the noon back.
We have this thing with George's
family in the Hamptons.
JULIANNE
(soft)
You're butting in.
He still holds her wrists. She brings one of his hands to her
lips. Kisses his knuckles.
JULIANNE
(softer)
I really resent this.
INT. BATHROOM - MORNING
Julianne seated at the sink, staring into the mirror, as Digger
gently applies soup, cloth and water to easing away the mask. A
paleontologist restoring a Bronze Age artifact. By the side of the
half-filled sink, rests her plugged-in curling iron.
JULIANNE
What I mean, when I say annoyingly
perfect, is that there is nothing
annoying about her perfection.
It is vulnerable and endearing.
And that is annoying as shit.
DIGGER
You like her.
JULIANNE
If I didn't have to hate her, I'd
adore her.
She looks up at him and WINCES, as the movement makes him scrape
her face. He's sorry.
JULIANNE
Last night, she was crying, these
big, real tears, when she thought
she'd lost him. It was like there
was a knife in her heart...
Looking in his eyes. Needs him to hear.
JULIANNE
... and I put it there. I hated
myself, I grieved for her, I
couldn't enjoy one second of it!
And then, when it didn't work...
Can you believe this?
JULIANNE
I was devastated.
DIGGER
(softly)
Go figure you.
JULIANNE
Because I realized. When I see
him say "I do," that knife will
be in my heart. And it will be
there every...
She holds his wrists now. To stop him. To plead for
understanding. Forgiveness.
JULIANNE
... every time I think of him,
forever, which could be a lot.
She almost choked on that last part. So she composes herself.
JULIANNE
You watch a guy caress his
girlfriend's butt. You see an
Old Spice commercial. Sentimental
moments are everywhere, when
you're in the right frame of mind.
She swallows hard. Fights for a grip on her determination.
JULIANNE
There are 18,250 nights in the
next 50 years...
DIGGER
You've been working on this, huh?
JULIANNE
... and having "done the right
thing" will only really be
comforting, oh, maybe, five,
six times.
She sets her jaw.
JULIANNE
This is my whole life's happiness.
I have to be ruthless.
DIGGER
(quietly)
And you believe that.
JULIANNE
(unconvincing)
Sure.
His eyes are gentle and merciless at once. No way she gets off
this hook.
JULIANNE
He was in love with me every day
for nine years. I can make him
happier than she can.
DIGGER
It's not his happiness you're
feeling guilty about...
JULIANNE
(proudly)
I don't know the meaning of the
word guilt!
DIGGER
Impressive.
JULIANNE
I am breaking her heart in the short
run, but doing her a gigantic favor!
She would be miserable tagging
along after this insensitive doofus!
DIGGER
The man you love.
JULIANNE
Beyond reason. The feminist
warrior will rise up in this kid,
and she'll be standing over his
sleeping form with a butcher
knife, selecting from a short
list of body parts!
DIGGER
Someday she'll thank you.
JULIANNE
Let's not get carried away.
And the defenses drain from her clay-ravaged features. The real
Julianne is glimpsed.
JULIANNE
I'd settle for. Someday, I'll
forgive myself.
For...?
JULIANNE
For doing this terrible thing.
Her eyes tear up.
JULIANNE
Which, by the way, I can't
figure out how to do.
As the tears fall, he wipes at them, discovering...
DIGGER
Jesus. You're supposed to take
your make-up off before you
apply the m...
JULIANNE
I KNOW THAT! I WAS DISTRACTED BY
GRIEF!
Oh.
JULIANNE
Guess what I brushed my teeth
with last night?
He thinks about this. Following her eyes to the toiletries kit, he
browses for a moment...
DIGGER
Zit cream?
JULIANNE
I wish.
DIGGER
Neosporin?
JULIANNE
Try less appropriate.
DIGGER
Ben Gay.
JULIANNE
That was Thursday.
He stops on that note.
DIGGER
Elmer's Glue?
JULIANNE
DON'T BE RIDICULOUS, WE'RE HAVING
A SERIOUS CONVERSATION!
She's hysterical.
DIGGER
I give.
JULIANNE
I can't even say it.
Now. He's curious.
JULIANNE
A hint. The first word is
"Preparation." Then comes a
letter of the alphabet,
perilously close to G.
She reaches to test her curling iron, BURNS her finger, SHIT!
KNOCKING the appliance into the half-filled sink. She LUNGES for
it, and a terrified Digger GRASPS her arm...
DIGGER
Considering the circumstances,
I'm not wholly against suicide...
Huh?
DIGGER
Just not by electrocution in
front of me!
Oh.
DIGGER
I've got this noon flight.
He reaches to pull the plug from the wall, and now she LUNGES to
grab his arm, slipping, her face falling forward, stopping an inch
above the sink.
JULIANNE
How do you know you can touch
that plug? Are you a licensed
contractor?
DIGGER
What do you suggest?
She looks from the plug down the cord, to the submerged curling
iron. And back.
JULIANNE
Maybe they just seal off this
room. They have others.
He's staring at her. Sweet, but intense.
DIGGER
I didn't mean about that.
Oh. Again.
JULIANNE
If I hear the words "tell the
truth," or any paraphrase thereof,
I dive into the sink and pull you
with me.
Looking at her. Looking at her.
DIGGER
Let's go meet Michael. I'll
wait downstairs.
INT. ARMANI - MORNING
Julianne has cleaned up pretty good. She sits with Digger on a
fashion-fabric sofa. They are side-by-side, studying something
with equal concentration. And slight concern.
DIGGER
I suppose it's too late to
start over.
JULIANNE
It's too late to start over.
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