My Fair Lady

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(Covent Garden in the evening. People are leaving the opera and heading for their taxis and cars which are pulling up outside, directed by a footman. It starts to rain torrents and all of a sudden there is a bustle as everyone rushes for shelter in the market or under the portico of St. Paul's Church whilst the street vendors in the market rush to cover their goods.)

(Two of the opera-goers are Mrs. Eynsford-Hill and her son, young Freddie Eynsford-Hill. They are hurrying out of the rain to the church.)

MRS EYNSFORD-HILL

(impatiently)

Freddie, go and find a cab.

 

(A young flower girl, Eliza Doolittle, is rushing for shelter also and almost walks into a barrow, pushed by its owner.)

BARROW BOY

(without stopping)

Sorry, lovey.

ELIZA

Get on with it, love.

(She hurries on her way.)

MRS EYNSFORD-HILL

(standing next to her son between two of the columns of the church)

Don't just stand there, Freddie, go and find a cab.

FREDDIE

Alright. I'm going, I'm going.

(He opens his umbrella and heads off across the street whistling for a cab, but he collides with Eliza who is rushing in the opposite direction. She falls to the ground spilling her flowers.)

ELIZA

(seeing the mess)

Ah-aw-oo. Look where you're goin, dear, look where you're goin!

FREDDIE

(bending down to help pick up her flowers)

I'm so sorry.

ELIZA

(picking up her scattered flowers and replacing them in the basket)

Two bunches o' violets trod in the mud. A full day's wages!

(Shakes her head disapprovingly at him and heads across the street towards the church.)

MRS EYNSFORD-HILL

(from across the street)

Freddie! Freddie! Go find a cab.

FREDDIE

Yes mother.

(He rushes off.)

ELIZA

(walks up to Freddie's mother)

Oh, e's your son, is e? Well if you'd done your duty by him as a mother should, you wouldn't let him spoil a poor girl's flowers and then run away without payin'.

MRS EYNSFORD-HILL

(looking out into the rain after Freddie)

Oh, go about your business, my girl.

(She walks away.)

ELIZA

And you wouldn't go on without payin' either.

(Muttering to herself as she sits down on the plinth of the column)

Two bunches o' violets trod in the mud.

 

(An elderly gentleman, Pickering, rushes in out of the rain, folding his umbrella.)

PICKERING

Geor-- good heavens!

MRS EYNSFORD-HILL

(turning to Pickering)

Oh, sir, is there any sign of it stopping?

PICKERING

I'm afraid not. It's worse than before.

MRS EYNSFORD-HILL

Oh dear.

ELIZA

(to Pickering; who puts his foot on the plinth of the column and stoops down to attend to his wet trouser ends)

If it's worse it's a sign it's nearly over. Cheer up cap'n; buy a flower off a poor girl.

PICKERING

I'm sorry I haven't any change.

ELIZA

Oh, I can change half a crown.

(She eagerly holds up some flowers to him)

'Ere, take this for tuppence.

PICKERING

I told you, I'm awfully sorry I haven't--oh wait a minute

(tries his pockets.)

Oh, yes, here's three haypennies, if that's any use to you.

(He walks away.)

ELIZA

(disappointed; drying the money on her coat)

Thank you, sir.

BYSTANDER 1

(approaches from behind the column)

'Ere, you be careful: better give him a flower for it. There's a bloke 'ere, behind that pillar, takin' down ev'ry blessed word you're sayin'.

(He walks off.)

ELIZA

(leans around pillar curiously, then springs up terrified)

I ain't done nothin' wrong by speaking to the gentleman. I've a right to sell flowers if I keep off the kerb.

(Hysterically)

I'm a respectable girl: so help me, I never spoke to him 'cept so far as to buy a flower off me.

 

(Various bystanders, roused by her outburst, are curious as to what the fuss is about and begin to gather round.)

BYSTANDER 2

What's all the bit of a noise?

BYSTANDER 3

'S a tec takin 'er down.

ELIZA

(some bytanders act sympathetic to Eliza who is defending herself)

Well I'm makin an honest livin'!

 

(There are further words of:)

What's all that shouting? Where's it coming from?, etc.

ELIZA

(sees Pickering and turns to him for support, crying wildly)

Oh, sir, don't let him charge me. He dunno what it means to me. They'll take away me character and drive me on the streets for speakin' t' gentleman!

HIGGINS

(Professor Higgins appears from around the pillar)

There, there, there, there! who's hurting you, you silly girl? What do you take me for?

ELIZA

On my Bible oath I never spoke a word--

HIGGINS

Oh, shut up, shut up. Do I look like a policeman?

ELIZA

(suspicious at this stranger)

Then what d'ya take down me words for? How do I know y' took me down right? You just show me what you wrote about me.

(Higgins opens up his book and holds it steadily under her nose.)

ELIZA

Oh-ow-oo.

(We see it contains strange shorthand symbols)

What's that? That ain't proper writin'. I can't read it.

HIGGINS

I can.

(He reads from the book, tracing the words with his pen for her, and reproducing her pronunciation precisely)

"I say, cap'n; n' baw ya flahr orf a pore gel."

ELIZA

Oh, it's cause I called 'im cap'n.

(To Pickering and much distressed)

I meant no harm. Oh, sir, don't let him lay a charge against me for a word like that!

PICKERING

(calming her)

Charge? I'll make no charge.

(To Higgins, who has started taking down notes again)

Really, sir, if you are a detective you needn't begin protecting me against molestation from young women until I ask for it. Anyone can tell the girl meant no harm.

BYSTANDER 2

'E ain't no tec, he's a gentleman: look at 'is boots.

HIGGINS

(without looking up at the bystander)

How are all your people down at Selsey?

BYSTANDER 2

Who told you my people come from Selsey?

HIGGINS

(smugly, continuing to take notes)

Never mind; they do.

(To the girl)

How did you come to be so far east?

(Inspecting his notes)

You were born in Lisson Grove.

ELIZA

(appalled)

Oooh, what 'arm is my in leavin' Lisson Grove? It weren't fit for pigs to live in; and I had to pay four-and-six.

(She bursts into tears.)

HIGGINS

(walking away, appalled)

Oh, live where you like but stop that noise.

PICKERING

Come, come! he can't touch you: you've a right to live where you please.

ELIZA

I'm a good girl, I am!

PICKERING

Yes, yes.

BYSTANDER 2

(to Higgins)

Where do

(I)

come from?

HIGGINS

Hoxton.

BYSTANDER 2

Well, who said I didn't? Blimey, you know ev'ryfink, you do!

MRS EYNSFORD-HILL

(she approaches this bystander)

You, sir, do you think you could find me a taxi?

HIGGINS

(looking at the sky)

I don't know whether you've noticed it madam but it's stopped raining. You can get a motorbus to Hampton Court.

(Turning to her directly)

Well that's where you live, isn't it?

MRS EYNSFORD-HILL

(to Higgins, who has already started walking away)

What impertinence!

BYSTANDER 1

(to Higgins)

'Ere, tell him where 'e comes from 'f ya wanna go fortune-tellin'.

HIGGINS

(thoughtfully)

Cheltenham, Harrow, Cambridge, and er--

(glances at his notes)

--India?

PICKERING

Quite right!

BYSTANDER 1

Blimey. 'E ain't a tec, he's a bloomin' busy-body. That's what 'e is.

PICKERING

If I may ask, sir, do you do this sort of thing for a living, in a music hall?

HIGGINS

Well I have thought of it. Perhaps I will one day.

ELIZA

He's no gentleman; he ain't interfere with a poor girl.

PICKERING

How do you do it, may I ask?

HIGGINS

Simple phonetics. The science of speech. That's my profession: also my hobby. Anyone can spot an Irishman or a Yorkshireman by his brogue, but I can place a man within six miles. I can place him within two miles in London. Sometimes within two streets.

ELIZA

(speaking up from her resumed position sitting on the plinth)

Ought to be ashamed of himself, unmanly coward!

PICKERING

Is there a living in that?

HIGGINS

Oh yes. Quite a fat one.

ELIZA

Let him mind his own business and leave a poor girl--

HIGGINS

(explosively)

Woman: cease this detestable boohooing instantly; or else seek the shelter of some other place of worship.

ELIZA

(with feeble defiance)

I've a right to be here if I like, same as you.

HIGGINS

A woman who utters such disgusting and depressing noise has no right to be anywhere--no right to live. Remember that you are a human being with a soul and the divine gift of articulate speech: that your native language is the language of Shakespeare and Milton and The Bible; don't sit there crooning like a bilious pigeon.

ELIZA

(indignant)

Ah-ah-aw-aw-oo-oo!

HIGGINS

Look at her: a prisoner of the gutter,
Condemned by every syllable she utters,
By right she should be taken out and hung,
For the cold-blooded murder of the English tongue.

ELIZA

(very indignant)

Ah-ah-aw-aw-oo-oo!

HIGGINS

(whipping out his book)

"Ah-ah-aw-aw-oo-oo" Heavens! what a sound!

HIGGINS

This is what the British population,
Calls an elementary education.

PICKERING

Come, sir; I think you picked a poor example.

HIGGINS

Did I...?

HIGGINS

Hear them down in Soho Square,
Dropping "h"s everywhere,
Speaking English anyway they like.
You sir: did you go to school?

(sitting down beside a bystander)

•  

A BYSTANDER

What d'ya tike me faw, a fool?

HIGGINS

Well, no one taught him "take" instead if "tike".
Hear a Yorkshireman, or worse,
Hear a Cornishman converse;
They'd rather hear a choir singing flat.
Chickens, cackling in a barn;
Just like this one.

(He points to Eliza.)

ELIZA

(laughingly)

Garn!

HIGGINS

(noting in his book)

"Garn"--I ask you, sir: what sort of word is that?

HIGGINS

It's "ow" and "garn" that keep her in her place,
Not her wretched clothes and dirty face.
Why can't the English teach their children how to speak?
This verbal class distinction, by now, should be antique.
If you spoke as she does, sir, instead of the way you do,
Why you might be selling flowers too.

PICKERING

(not sure what to make of this)

I beg your pardon.

 

(Higgins walks over to the coffee stand.)

HIGGINS

An Englishman's way of speaking absolutely classifies him.
The moment he talks, he makes some other Englishman despise him.
One common language I'm afraid we'll never get.
Oh why can't the English learn to--

(paying for his coffee)

Set a good example to people, who's English, is painful to your ears.
The Scotch and the Irish leave you close to tears!
There are even places where English completely disappears,

(receives his change)

Why, in America they haven't used it for years.

(The bystanders laugh.)

Why can't the English teach their children how to speak?
Norwegians learn Norwegian; the Greeks are taught their Greek.
In France every Frenchman knows his language from "A" to "Zed"--
The French don't care what they do, actually, as long as they pronounce it properly.

(Chuckles from the bystanders.)

 

(Higgins sits next to Eliza on the plinth with his coffee.)

HIGGINS

Arabians learn Arabian with the speed of summer lightning.
The Hebrews learn it backwards which is absolutely frightening.
Use proper English, you're regarded as a freak.
Oh why can't the English--
Why can't the English learn to speak?

HIGGINS

(to a bystander; handing his cup to him)

Thank you.

(Turning to Pickering)

You see this creature with her kerbstone English: the English that will keep her in the gutter till the end of her days. Well, sir, in six months I could pass her off as a duchess at an embassy ball. I could even get her a job as a lady's maid or a shop assistant, which requires better English.

ELIZA

(curiously)

'Ere, what's that you say?

HIGGINS

Yes, you squashed cabbage leaf. You disgrace to the noble architecture of these columns! You incarnate insult to the English language! I could pass you off as, er, the Queen of Sheba.

ELIZA

(laughing)

Ah-how-ow!

(To Pickering)

You don't believe that, cap'n?

PICKERING

Anything's possible. I myself am a student of Indian dialects.

HIGGINS

(eagerly)

Are you? Do you know Colonel Pickering, the author of Spoken Sanscrit?

PICKERING

I am Colonel Pickering. Who are you?

HIGGINS

I'm Henry Higgins, author of Higgins's Universal Alphabet.

PICKERING

(with enthusiasm)

I came from India to meet you.

HIGGINS

I was going to India to meet you!

PICKERING

(shaking Higgins's hand)

Higgins!

HIGGINS

Pickering!

(They both laugh.)

Pickering, where are you staying?

PICKERING

At the Carlton.

HIGGINS

No you're not: you're staying at 27A Wimpole Street! You come along with me; we'll have a little jaw over supper.

PICKERING

Right you are.

(They turn and walk away.)

HIGGINS

Indian dialects have always fascinated me.

ELIZA

(Eliza stands and approaches them, presenting a flower eagerly to Higgins)

Buy a flower, kind sir. I'm short for me lodging.

HIGGINS

(stopping to answer her)

Liar. You said you could change half-a-crown.

ELIZA

(shouting to Higgins as they walk away)

You ought to be stuffed with nails, you ought! Here, take the 'ole bloomin' basket for sixpence!

(She kicks the basket at Higgins.)

 

(The church clock strikes. The street is now largely empty, except for some vendors finishing up in the market.)

HIGGINS

(Hearing the church bell he turns and raises his hat solemnly)

A reminder.

(He then drops a handful of money into the basket and continues on with Pickering.)

HIGGINS

How many are there actually?

PICKERING

How many what?

HIGGINS

Er, Indian dialects.

PICKERING

No fewer than a hundred and fourty seven distinct languages are recorded as vernacular.

(They disappear down the street.)

ELIZA

(picking up the coins)

Aaah-ow-ooh!

(Counting them in her hand)

Aaaaaah-ow-oh!!

(Eliza turns to watch Higgins as he walks away, confused by his apparent change in personality.)

COCKNEY 1

Shouldn't we stand up, gentleman: we've got a bloomin' heiress in our midst.

COCKNEY 2

Would you be lookin' for a good butler Eliza?

ELIZA

Well you won't do.

(The vendors laugh.)

COCKNEY 3

It's rather dull in town,
I think I'll take me to Paree.

COCKNEY 1

The missus wants to open up the castle in Capri.

COCKNEY 2

Me doctor recommends a quiet summer by the sea.

CHORUS

Mmmm-mmm.
Mmmm-mmm.
Wouldn't it be loverly?

COCKNEY 1

Where're y' bound for this year, Eliza: Biarritz?

ELIZA

All I want is a room somewhere;
Far away from the cold night air.
With one enormous chair;
Oh wouldn't it be loverly?
Lots of choc'late for me to eat;
Lots of coal makin' lots of heat;
Warm face, warm 'ands, warm feet,
Oh wouldn't it be loverly?
Oh, so loverly sittin' abso-bloomin'-lutely still!
I would never budge 'til Spring crep over me winder sill.
Someone's head restin' on my knee;
Warm and tender as he can be,
Who takes good care of me;
Oh wouldn't it be loverly?
Loverly, loverly, loverly, loverly.

CHORUS

All I want is a room somewhere;
Far away from the cold night air.
With one enormous chair;

ELIZA

Oh wouldn't it be loverly?
Lots of choc'late for me to eat;
Lots of coal makin' lots of heat;
Warm face, warm 'ands, warm feet,
Oh wouldn't it be loverly?
Oh, so loverly sittin' abso-bloomin'-lutely still!
I would never budge 'till Spring crep over me winder sill.

CHORUS

Someone's head restin' on my knee;
Warm and tender as he can be,

ELIZA

Who takes good care of me;
Oh wouldn't it be loverly?

CHORUS

Loverly,

ELIZA

Loverly,

CHORUS

Loverly.

ELIZA

Oh wouldn't it be loverly?

CHORUS

Loverly,

ELIZA

Loverly,

CHORUS

Loverly.
Wouldn't it be loverly?

 

(The vendors wave goodbye to Eliza as she is carried away on a horse-drawn cart.)

 

(Covent Garden the next day just before 5.00 a.m. It is deserted except for three scruffy-looking gentlemen milling around by the columns of the church. These are Eliza's father, Alfred P. Doolittle, and his two friends: Jamie and Harry.)

JAMIE

Come on Alfie, let's go home now; this place is givin' me the willies.

DOOLITTLE

Home! What d'ya wanna go home for? It nearly five o'clock: my daughter Eliza'll be along soon. She oughtta be good for half-a-crown for her father what loves 'er!

HARRY

Loves 'er? That's a laugh! You ain't bin near 'er for months.

DOOLITTLE

What's that got to do with it? What's half-a-crown after all I've give her?

JAMIE

When did you ever give her anythink?

DOOLITTLE

Anythin'? I give 'er everythin'; I give 'er the greatest gift a human being can give to another: life! I introduced 'er to this 'ere planet I did, with all its wonders and marvels. The sun that shines; the moon that glows; Hyde Park to walk through on a fine spring night. The whole ruddy city o' London to roam around in, sellin' 'er blimmin flowers. I give 'er all that; then I disappears and leaves 'er on 'er own to enjoy it. Now, if that ain't worth half-a-crown now and then, I'll take my belt orf and give 'er what for!

JAMIE

You've got a good 'art Alfie, but you want half-a-crown out of Eliza you better have a good story to go with it.

DOOLITTLE

(eyeing someone propped up on a cart, asleep)

Leave that to me my boy.

(Cheerily; to the person on the cart)

Good mornin', George.

GEORGE

(without opening his eyes)

Not a brass farthing.

DOOLITTLE

(unphased, he winks to his friends who follow him over to the nearby pub where the barman is cleaning the windows on the inside)

Good mornin', Algernon.

BARTENDER

(harshly; slamming the pub door)

No brass farthing!

 

(The men turn to watch people--pedestrians, and various people carrying or carting goods--filling the Square. Soon all is a bustle of activity in the market as the working day begins.)

DOOLITTLE

(eyeing the crowd, he spots someone)

There she is.

(He walks to her and taps her on the shoulder)

Why, Eliza: what a surprise!

COCKNEY WOMAN

(she turns around; laughing)

Hop along, Charlie; you're too old for me!

HARRY

Don't know your own daughter, Alfie?

JAMIE

How you gonna find 'er if you don't know what she looks like?

DOOLITTLE

I know 'er, I know 'er! Come on, I'll find 'er.

 

(They make their way over to the flower sellers. He sees Eliza, who is hunched over her basket, sorting through some flowers.)

DOOLITTLE

(in his most genial voice)

Eliza, what a surprise!

ELIZA

(without looking up from her work)

Not a brass farthing.

DOOLITTLE

(harshly; pulling her up by the arm)

Hey! 'Ere-- you come 'ere, Eliza!

ELIZA

Oi!

(Shakes herself free)

Y'ain't gonna take me 'ard-earned wages and pass 'em on to a bloody pub-keeper!

(She walks away.)

DOOLITTLE

(flabbergasted)

Cor.

(He regathers himself and winks to his friends to follow him. He approaches Eliza again and sits down beside her as she busies herself with her flowers.)

Eliza: you wouldn't 'ave the 'art to send me home to your stepmother without a drop o' liquid protection, now, would ya?

ELIZA

(without looking up)

Stepmother indeed.

DOOLITTLE

Well, I'm willin' to marry 'er. It's me that suffers by it. I'm a slave to that woman Eliza; just because I ain't 'er "lawful husband".

(He puts his arm around her)

Ah, come on; slip your old dad just half-a-crown to go home on.

ELIZA

Well, I had a bit o' luck meself last night, so 'ere.

(She gives him a coin.)

But don't keep coming around counting half crowns from me!

DOOLITTLE

(to her back as she leaves)

Thank you, Eliza; you're a noble daughter.

(He tries to stand on his feet but it takes his friends' help to pull him up)

Beer, beer, g l o r i o u s beer. Fill yourself right up!

 

(Eliza walks over by a group of workers sitting around in a circle, shelling peas. She playfully steals some out of someone's basket. As she eats, Eliza hears the church bells--"a reminder":)

"You see this creature with her kerbstone English: the English that'll keep her in the gutter till the end of her days ... in six months I could pass her off as a duchess at an Embassy ball ... I could even get her a job as a lady's maid, or a shop assistant, which requires better English ..."

 

(She walks over to the pillars of the church.)

"You disgrace to the noble architecture of these columns!"