script (version 1.0)

Disclaimer: This script is taken from numerous viewings of the

feature and is not an official script by all means. Portions of

this script are copyrighted by Walt Disney Company and are used

without permission.

THE CAST

(in order of appearance of the voices)

Narrator: Charlton Heston

Muse 1:

Muse 5:

Muse 3:

Hera: Samantha Eggar

Zeus: Rip Torn

Hermes: Paul Shaffer

Baby Hercules:

Hades: James Woods

Pain: Bob Goldthwait

Panic: Matt Frewer

Atropos, Lachesis, Clotho: Amanda Plummer,Carole Shelley,Paddy Edwards

Amphitryon: Hal Holbrook

Alcmene: Barbara Barrie

Muse 2:

Young Hercules: Josh Keaton (speaking)

Roger Bart (singing)

Worker:

Worker 2:

Man with pots:

Boy 1, Boy 2, Boy 3:

Pegasus:

Phil: Danny DeVito

Nymph:

Adult Hercules: Tate Donovan

Nessus: Jim Cummings

Megara: Susan Egan

Driver in Thebes:

Pita bread seller:

Smuggler:

Prophet:

Woman:

Man:

Strong man:

Thin woman: Mary Kay Bergman

Heavy woman: Kathleen Freeman

Old man:

Panic as boy, Pain as boy: Bug Hall, Kellen Hathaway

Guide:

Artist:

Fan girls:

Lythos:

Hydros:

Pyros:

Stratos:

Cyclops: Patrick Pinney

Areus:

Sailor:

End Title song vocals: Michael Bolton

from movie credits, unassigned as of yet:

Calliope Lillias White

Clio Vaneese Thomas

Melpomene Cheryl Freeman

Terpsichore La Chanze

Thalia Roz Ryan

also unassigned yet:

Burnt Man Corey Burton

Apollo (where did he appear??) Keith David

Demetrius (who is it?) Wayne Knight

Ithicles (who is that?) Aaron Michael Metchik

also: Tawatha Agee, Jack Angel, Shelton Becton, Bob Bergen, Rodger Bumpass,

Jennifer Darling, Debi Derryberry, Bill Farmer, Milt Grayson, Sherry

Lynn, Mickie McGowan, Denise Pickering, Philip Proctor, Jan Rabson,

Riley Steiner, Fronzi Thornton, Erik von Detten, Ken Williams.

THE SCRIPT

{Greek statues and vases fade in}

Narrator: Long ago, in the faraway land of ancient Greece, there was a golden

age of powerful gods and extraordinary heroes. And the greatest

and strongest of all these heroes was the mighty Hercules.

[a greek vase is shown with a picture of Hercules fighting some monster. Vase

zooms in slowly]

But what is the measure of a true hero? Ah, that is what our story is-

Muse 1: Will you listen to him? He's makin' the story sound like some greek

tragedy.

Muse 5: Lighten up, dude.

Muse 3: We'll take it from here, darling.

Narrator: You go, girls

Muse 3: We are the Muses. Goddeses of the arts and proclaimers of the heroes.

Muse 5: Heroes like Hercules

Muse 1: Honey, you mean "hunk-ules". Ooh, I'd like to make some sweet music

with him-

[Muses start humming]

Muse 3: Our story actually begins long before Hercules, many eons ago..

[scene changes colors and the Muses start walking and singing]

Muses: (singing)

Back when the world was new

The planet Earth was down on its luck

And everywhere gigantic brutes called Titans ran amok

[schematic pictures of whatever gets mentioned in the song start moving]

It was a nasty place

There was a mess wherever you stepped

Where chaos reigned and the earthquakes and volcanos never slept

(Whoo! Say it, girlfriend!)

And then along came Zeus

He hurled his thunderbolt -- He zapped

Locked those suckers in a vault -- They're trapped

And on his own, stopped chaos on its tracks

And that's the gospel truth

The guy was too "type A" to just relax

And that's the world's first dish

(yeah, baby!)

Zeus tamed the globe while still in his youth

Tough, honey, it may seem impossible

That's the gospel truth

On Mount Olympus life was neat

And smooth as sweet vermouth

Although honey, it may seem impossible

That's the gospel truth

{schematic picture of Olympus zooms in and turns into a real one. While the

Muses still repeat their 'ah's and 'yeah's, camera moves up the mountain slope,while it does, the movie title, HERCULES, is shown. Then camera goes inside,

passes various chattering gods and finds baby Hercules}

Hera: Hercules! Behave yourself

[Zeus come in to play with baby too]

Zeus: Oh, look at this, look how cute he is..

[Zeus babbles at baby Hercules and he catches Zeus by index finger and lifts

above his cradle]

Hah! Oh, he's strong! Like his Dad, hmm?

Hermes (moving through a crowd of gods): Whoa! Excuse me! Hot stuff coming

through! Excuse me one side, Ares.

[Hermes hand Hera a bundle of glowing flowers]

Hera: Why, Hermes, they're lovely

Hermes: Yeah, you know, I had Orpheus do the arrangement. Isn't that too nutty?

(flying closer to Zeus now)

Fabulous party, you know, I haven't seen this much love in a room since

Narcissus discovered himself

[Narcissus is shown, staring into his mirror and making kissing sounds. Also

Baby Hercules gets one of Zeus' lightnings and plays with it]

Hera: Dear, keep those away from the baby.

Zeus: Oh, he won't hurt himself. Let the kid have a little fun

[Baby Hercules tryes to eat the lightning, gets zapped, and throws it away in

frustration. Three gods jump away from its path, untill Ares hits it with his

sword so it hits a pillar, which immidiately reappears]

Zeus: Oh, on behalf of my son, I want to thank you all for your wonderful

gifts

Hera: What about our gift, dear?

Zeus: Well, let's see here.. we'll take, hmm, yes, a little cirrus, and, hmm,

a touch of nimbostratus, and a dash of cumulus.

[Zeus moves his hand with a little pegasus-shaped cloud on it closer to baby

Hercules and the cloud turns out to be a baby pegasus]

His name is Pegasus, and he's all yours, son.

[Baby Hercules bonks his forehead against Baby Pegasus', he whinnies and licks

Hercules, they hug, all gods sigh]

Hera: Mind his head

Zeus: He's so tiny

[Baby Hercules tries to bite the medallion that hangs from his neck and then

yawns]

Zeus: My boy. My little Hercules.

Hades: How centimental.

[camera moves to Hades fast after his voice is heard]

You know, I haven't been this choked up since I got a hunk of moussaka

caught in my throat! huh?

[All gods look sternly at him]

So is this an audience of a mosaic? Hey, how you doin'? Lookin' good.

Nice dress.

[as he is saying that, he moves from one god to another untill Zeus squeezes

him in a hug]

Zeus: So Hades, you finally made it. How are things in the underworld?

Hades (taking Zeus' hand off his shoulder): well, they're just fine, you know,

a little dark, a little gloomy, and as always, hey, full of dead

people. What are you gonna do? Ah! There's the little sunspot, little

smootchie. And here is a sucker for the little sucker, eh?

(he weaves a sucker with skeleton head out of thin mist)

Here you go. Ya just--

[Hercules squeezes Hades' finger, and after some fight he gets away from the

baby]

sheesh! uh, powerful little tyke.

Zeus (hugging Hades once again): Come on, Hades, don't be such a stiff,

join the celebration!

Hades (getting free from the hug again): Hey, love to, babe, but unlike

you gods lounging about up here, I regrettably have a full-time gig

You know, by the way, so charitably bestowed on me, Zeus,

So.. can't. Love to, but can't.

Zeus: You ought to slow down, you'll work yourself to death... Hah! work

yourself to death!

[crowd laughing]

Oh, I kill myself

Hades: If only, if only..

{Scene changes back to the Muses}

Muse 3: If there's one god who don't want to get steamed up, it's Hades,

'cause he had an evil plan

{scene changes to a boat on the river Styx, in which a skeleton is carrying

Hades}

Muses sing in background:

He ran the underworld

But thought the dead were dull and uncouth

He was as mean as he was ruthless

And that's the gospel truth

He had a plan to shake things up

[Hades feeds the three-deaded dog Cerberus]

And that's the gospel truth

[Hades gets on the shore]

Hades: Pain!

Pain: Coming, your most lugubriousness.

[He trips, roll on the stair and gets seated on a sharp trident]

Hades: Panic!

Panic: Oh, I'm sorry, I can handle it!

[He rans, but trips over Pain, who just got free from the trident, falls over,

and his horns get stuck in Pain the same place trident just was]

Pain: Pain!

Panic: And Panic!

Both: Reporting for duty!

Hades: Fine, fine, fine, just let me know the instant the Fates arrive.

Panic (who just got his horns free from Pain): Oh! They're here!

Hades bursts into flames:

What? The Fates are here and you didn't tell me?

Pain and Panic: We are worms! Worthless worms!

[they really shapechange into worms]

Hades: Memo to me, memo to me, main you after my meeting

{scene change to a cavern with the Fates}

Atropos: Darling, hold that mortal's thread of life good and tight

[She cuts a thread with scissors and a woman scream is heard]

Lachesis: Incoming!

[Fates laugh as a soul enters the cave and flies into a tunnel. Counter above

the tunnel now says "Over 5000000001 served"]

Hades: Ladies! hah! I am so sorry that I'm--

Atropos: Late

Clotho: We knew you would be

Lachesis: We know everything

[they pass their only eye from one another as they speak the next three lines]

Clotho: Past

Lachesis: Present

Atropos: And future (to Panic): Indoor plumbing - it's gonna be big.

Hades: Great. Great. Anyway, see, Ladies, I was at this party, and I lost

track of--

Fates: We know!

Hades: Yeah. I know.. you know. So, here's the deal. Zeus, Mr High and Mighty,

Mr. "Hey, you, get off my cloud," now he has--

Fates: A bouncing baby brat.

Clotho: We know!

Hades: I know.. you know. I know. I got it. I got the concept, so let me just

ask: Is this kid gonna mess up my hostile takeover big, or what?

What do you think?

Lachesis: Um--

Clotho silences her: Oh no, you don't. We are not supposed to reveal the

future.

Hades: Oh wait, I'm sorry. Time out. Can I? Can I ask you a question, by

the way? Are you, (to Lachesis), did you cut your hair of something?

You look fabulous.

Lachesis giggles

Hade: I mean, you look like a fate worse then death

Lachesis giggles more, Clotho hits her on the head, the eye fells out into the

hands of Panic

Panic: Oh, gross!

Pain: Yech! It's blinkin'!

[he kicks it into Hades' hand]

Hades: Ladies, please, my fate... (he puts the eye to Lachesis' hand) is in

your lovely hands

Lachesis: Oh, yeah

Clotho: All right.

[the eye raises in the air, showing pictures of the future]

Atropos:

In 18 years precisely

The planets will align

Ever so nicely

Hades: Ay, verse!. Oy.

Atropos:

The time to act will be at hand

Unleash the Titans, your monstrous band

Hades: Mm-hmm, good, good.

Atropos:

Then the once-proud Zeus will finally fall,

And you, Hades, will rule all!

Hades: Yes! Hades rules!!!

Atropos:

A word of caution to this tale

Hades: Excuse me?

Atropos:

Should Hercules fight, you will fail

[Fates disappear, cackling]

Hades (burning into flame): What???

(cooling down): Okay, fine, fine, I'm cool, I'm fine

[bell dings]

Pain? Panic? Got a little riddle for ya. How do you kill a god?

Pain: I do not... know!

Panic: You can't. They're immortal?

Hades: Bingo! They're immortal

(he takes a vial with red liquid and camera zooms at it, filling the screen)

So, first you got to turn the little sunspot mortal.

{Mount Olympus, dusk. Baby Hercules and Baby Pegasus are sleeping together}

[Shadows of Pain and Panic crawl over Baby Hercules, sound of glass breaking,

and Pain and Panic tittering makes Zeus and Hera wake]

Zeus: Huh?

Hera: What? what is it?

Both: The Baby!

[They run to the cradle but find only the Baby Pegasus]

Hera: Hercules! Oh!

[she starts sobbing.]

Zeus: No!!!

[as he screams that, lightnings flash and giant thunderstorm rages over Olympus.

Pain and Panic are flying down, carrying Baby Hercules]

Panic: Now we did it! Zeus is gonna use us for target practice!

Pain: Just hang onto the kid, Panic.

[They fall and Baby Hercules starts crying]

Panic: Hurry! Let's just kill the kid and het it over with, okay?

Pain (opening the vial): Here you go, kid, a little grecian formula.

Panic: Look at that! He's.. changing

[Baby Hercules stops glowing as he drinks the potion]

Can we do it now?

Pain: No, no, no, he has to drink the whole potion! Every last drop.

Amphitryon: Who's there?

[Pain and Panic run away, dropping the empty vial. It breaks and one

last drop falls into the ground]

Alcmene, over here.

Alcmene: Oh, you poor thing! Oh, don't cry

Amphitryon: Is anybody there?

[Pain and Panic look from bushes]

Panic: Now?

Pain: Now.

[Their shadows are shown as they walk and transform into snakes]

Amphitryon: Oh well, he must have been abandoned.

Alcmene: Amphitryon, for so many years we've prayed to the gods to bless us

with a child.

[Amphitryon reads Hercules' name from a medallion on his neck]

Perhaps they've answered our prayers

Amphitryion: Perhaps they have... Hercules?

[Pain and Panic, as snakes, attack, but Baby Hercules catches them, and

giggling happily, hits them several times against the ground, ties into a knot

and throws far away. Amphitryon and Alcmene stare with they jaws dropped]

Pain and Panic: Help, help, help!

[they turn to their normal forms]

Panic: Hades is gonna kill us when he finds out what happened.

Pain: You mean, *if* he finds out

Pani: Of course he's gonna f-- If.. if is good.

{pan to Mount Olympus in dark clouds and then resolve to the Muses}

Muse 2: It was tragic. Zeus led all the gods on a frantic search

Muse 5: But by the time they found the baby, it was too late.

Muse 2 starts singing:

Young Herc was mortal now

But since he did not drink the last drop -- mm

He still retained his godlike strength -- oh

So thank his lucky stars -- tell it, girl

But Zeus and Hera wept -- ooh, ooh, ooh

Because their son could never come home -- ooh

They'd have to watch their precious baby

Grow up from afar

Though Hades' horrid plan

Was hatched before Herc cut his first tooth -- ahh

The boy grew stronger every day

And that's the gospel truth

The gospel truth

{resolve to country with sheeps baaing}

[A carriage with a lot of hay moves along the road unnaturally fast, then we

see Amphitryon and his horse sitting before it]

Amphitryon: Hercules, slow down!

[We now see its young Hercules who is moving the carriage. They enter a country

fair, hitting some workers on the top of the gate]

Amphitryong: Look out!

[workers fall]

Young Hercules: Oops! S-s-sorry guys!

Worker (falling down): Hey, watch where you're goin'!

Worker 2: Sunday driver!

[Hercules enters the middle of the square and stops, buring himself into the

ground shoulders-deep]

Amphitryon: Thanks, son. When old Penelope twisted her ankle back there,

I thought we were done for.

Hercules: No problem, Pop.

Amphitryon: Uh, don't-don't-don't unload just yet. First I have to finagle

with Phideas.

Hercules: Okay.

[he drops the hay on the cart which makes their horse, Penelope, fly up into

the sky]

Oops, sorry, Penelope.

Amphitryon: Now, Hercules, this time, please just--

Hercules: I know, I know

[he catches falling Penelope]

Stay by the cart

Amphitryon: That's my boy.

[Hercules stays untill he sees a man loosing balance with a big clay pot]

Man: Oh, my goodness. Whoa!

[Hercules catches him just in time]

Herules: Careful!

Man: Why thank you

Hercules: No problem

Man (sees Hercules and looks frightened): Why, Hercules! It's you!

Hercules: Let me, let me help you with that

Man: No, no, no, no, no, I got it.

[He almost falls under the giant pot]

I'm fine, you just run along.

Hercules: Are you sure?

Man: Oh, yes. Absolutely.

[He leaves Hercules outside in the street. A freesbee falls to his feet.

He picks it up and sees three boys about his age]

Boy 1: Yo! Give it here!

Hercules: Hey, you need an extra guy?

Boy 1: Uh.. sorry, Herc. We already got.. five. And we want to keep it an

even number.

Hercules: Hey, wait a second. Five isn't an even--

Boy 1: (snatching the freesbee): see ya, Herc.

Boy 2: What a geek!

Boy 3: Destructo boy.

Boy 1: Maybe we should call him "Jerkules"

[Hercules sits alone in the center of a square untill the freesbee appears above

his head]

Boy 1: Heads up!

Hercules: I-I got it!

Boy 1: No! Stop!

[Hercules hits a pillar, which starts falling]

Hercules: Uh-oh.. Oh no!.. It's okay..

[He holds the pillar he has hit, but others start falling one by one, like

domino. He sees that and throws the pillar he was holding away, but it hits

another standing pillar and another domino wave starts going around the square]

Hey! Whoa!

Amphitryon: Son!

Hercules: Hang on, Pop! Be right back!

[The two domino waves seem to be aiming at the shop with clay pots]

Man: Oh my! Oh no! Don't! Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

[The last two pillars stop above the man's head. He sighs, relaxed, but

Hercules, who was running to save him, slips and slides to him fast]

Hercules: Watch out!

[Now everything is destroyed]

Boy 1: Nice catch, Jerkules.

Amphitryon: Son

Man: This is the last straw, Amphitryon!

Voice: That boy is a menace!

Voice 2: He's too dangerous to be around normal people!

Amphitryon: He didn't mean any harm, he's just a kid. He-he just can't control

his strength

Man: I am warning you. You keep that-that-that.. freak away from here!

Boy: Freak! Yeah, go away!

{on a grassy hillside, Hercules and Amphitryon sit alone}

Amphitryon: Son, you shouldn't let those things they said back there get to

you.

Hercules: But Pop, they're right. I-I am a freak. I try to fit in, I really do.

I just can't. Sometimes.. I feel like, like I really don't belong here.

Like I'm supposed to be.. someplace else.

Amphitryon: Hercules, son--

Hercules: I know it doesn't make any sense.

[Hercules walk away and sings]

I have often dreamed of a far off place

Where a great, warm welcome will be waiting for me

Where the crowds will cheer when they see my face

And a voice keeps sayin' this is where I'm meant to be

I will find my way

I can go the distance

I'll be there someday

If I can be strong

I know every mile

Will be worth my while

I would go most anywhere to feel like I belong.

[he returns home]

Amphitryon: Hercules, there's something your mother and I have been meaning

to tell ya.

{inside the house}

Hercules: But if you found me, then where did I come from? Why was I left here?

Alcmene: This was around your neck when we found you. It's the symbol of the

gods.

Hercules: This is it! Don't you see? Maybe they have the answers! I'll go to

the temple of Zeus and--

Ma, Pop, you're the greatest parents anyone could have, but..

I-I gotta know

{Next morning, Hercules walks to the Temple and sings}

I am on my way

I can go the distance

I don't care how far

Somehow I'll be strong

I know every mile

Will be worth my while

I would go most everywhere to find where I belong.

[Hercules enters the Temple of Zeus]

Hercules: Oh mighty Zeus, please, hear me and answer my prayer. I need to know:

Who am I? Wh-where do I belong?

[wind blows, lightning hits the statue of Zeus, flame ignites in braziers..]

Huh?

[..and the statue of Zeus comes to life]

Zeus: My boy. My little Hercules.

[He reaches for Hercules, who runs away, screaming]

Hey, hey, hey, hold on kiddo! What's your hurry? After all these years

is this a kind of hello to give your father?

Hercules: Father?

Zeus: Didn't know you had a famous father, did you? Surprise!!

Look how you've grown. Why you've got your mother's beautiful eyes...

and my strong chin. Hah!

Hercules: I-I don't understand. If you are my father, that would make me a--

Zeus: A god.

Hercules: A god. A god!

Zeus: Hey, you wanted answers, and by thunder, you're old enough to know the

truth

Hercules: But why did you leave me on earth? Didn't you want me?

Zeus: Of course we did. Your mother and I loved you with all our hearts but

someone stole you from us and turned you mortal, and only gods can live

on Mount Olympus.

Hercules: And you can't do a thing?

Zeus: I can't, Hercules, but you can.

Hercules: R-really? W-what? I-I'll do anything.

Zeus: Hercules, if you can prove yourself a true hero on Earth, your godhood

will be restored!

Hercules: A true hero. Great! Uh, exactly how do you become a true hero?

Zeus: First, you must seek out Philoctetes, the trainer of heroes.

Hercules: Seek out Philoctetes. Right. I'll--

[he falls off Zeus' palm]

Whoa!

Zeus: Whoa! Hold your horses! Which reminds me..

[Zeus whistles and the Pegasus flies through an opening in the roof]

Ha-ha! You probably don't remember Pegasus but you two go way back, son

[Pegasus sniffs Hercules, then bonks foreheads with him and licks him]

Hercules: Oh, Pegasus !

Zeus: He is a magnificient horse. With the brain of a bird.

Hercules: I'll find Philoctetes and become a true hero!

Zeus: That's the spirit!

Hercules: I won't let you down, father! Yee-haw!

Zeus: Good luck, son.

[Hercules flies away, singing:]

Hercules:

I will beat the odds

I can go the distance

I will face the world

Fearless, proud and strong

I will please the gods

I can go the distance

Till I find my hero's welcome right where I belong

{Isle of Philoctetes}

Hercules: You sure this is the right place?

[Hercules sees three nymphs laughing in the trees, then sees a goat's behind

sticking from the bushes]

What's the matter, little guy? You stuck?

Phil: Whoa! Hey, butt out, buddy!

Hercules: Ugh

Phil: Girls! Stop! Stop! Come back, come back, come back. Whoa, whoa--

[the nymph he gets hold on turns into flowers]

oh, geez!

Whait! Whoa, whoa, whoa!

[another nymph turns into a tree]

Oh, nymphs! They can't keep their hands off me.

Nymph: Hey!

Phil (to Hercules):

What's the matter? You never seen a satyr before?

Hercules: Uh.. no. Can you help us? We're looking for someone called

Philoctetes.

Phil: Call me Phil.

Hercules sqeezes his hand: Phil!

Phil: Ow!

Hercules: Boy, am I glad to meet you! I'm Hercules. This is Pegasus.

[Pegasus licks Phil]

Phil: Animals!. Disgusting!

Hercules: I need your help. I want to become a hero. A true hero.

Phil: Sorry, kid, can't help ya.

Hercules: Wait!

[he pulls the door, Phil closed before him and raises it in the air with one

hand]

Phil: Whoo!

Hercules: Uh, sorry. Why not?

Phil: Two worlds: I am retired.

[Hercules counts on fingers]

Hercules: Look, I gotta do this. Haven't you ever had a dream, something you

wanted so bad you'd do anything?

Phil sighes: Kid, come inside, I want to show you something.

[Inside, Hercules hits his head against some wooden mast]

Phil: Watch it! That was part of the mast of the Argo.

Hercules: The Argo?

Phil: Yeah. Who do you think taught Jason how to sail? Cleopatra? I trained

all those would-be heroes. Odysseus, Perseus, Theseus. A lot of

"yeuseus." And every single one of those bums let me down. Flatter then

a discus.

None of them could go the distance.

And then there was Achilles.

Now there was a guy who had it all - the build, the foot speed.

He could jab, he could take a hit, he could keep on comin'.

But that furshlugginer heel of his! He barely gets nicked there once

and - kaboom! He's history. Yeah, I had a dream once. I dreamed I was

gonna train the greatest hero there ever was. So great the gods would

hang a picture of him in the stars... All across the sky, and people

would say, "That's Phil's boy." That's right. Eh, but dreams are for

rookies. A guy can only take so much disappointment.

Hercules: But I am different than those other guys, Phil! I can go the distance

Come on, I'll show you.

Phil grunts: Geez, you don't give up, do ya?

Hercules: Watch this.

[He raises something big which looked like an UFO and sends it flying away]

Phil: Holy Hera.. You know maybe if I-- No! Snap out of it! I am too old to get

mixed up in this stuff again.

Hercules: But if I don't become a true hero, I'll never be able to rejoin my

father, Zeus.

Phil: Hold it! Zeus is your father, right?

Hercules: Uh-huh.

Phil laughs: Zeus! The big guy. He's your daddy! Mr. Lightning Bolts, read me

a book, will ya.. da-da? Zeus!

(mimics Zeus): Once upon a time--

Hercules: It's the truth!

Phil: Please!

(sings:)

So you wanna be a hero, kid, well, whoop-de-do

I have been around the block before with blockheads just like you

Each and every one was disappointment

Pain for which there ain't no ointment

So much for excuses

Though a kid of Zeus is

Asking me to jump into the fray

My answer is two words:

[lightning hits Phil]

Okay.

Hercules: You mean you'll do it?

Phil: You win.

Hercules: You won't be sorry, Phil.

Phil: Oh, gods.

Hercules: So when do we start? Can we start now?

Phil: Oy, vay.

Phil sing:

I'd given up hope that someone would come along

A fella who'd ring the bell for once not the gong

The kind who wins trophies

Won't settle for low fees

At least semipro fees

But no, I get the greenhorn

I've been out to pasture, pal, my ambition gone

Content to spend lazy days and to graze my lawn

But you need an advisor

A satyr, but wiser

A good merchandiser and-- whoa!

There goes my ulcer

I'm down to one last hope and I hope it's you

Though, kid, you're not exactly a dream come true

I trained enough turkeys

Who never came through

You're my only last hope

So you'll have to do

Phil: Rule #6: When rescuing a damsel, always handle with care

[Hercules falls into water]

No!

Phil: Rule #95, kid: Concentrate!

Rule #96: Aim!

(singing:)

Demigods have faced the odds and ended up a mockery

Don't believe in the stories that you read on all the crockery

To be a true hero, kid, is a dying art

Like painting a masterpiece it's a work of heart

It takes more then sinew

Comes down to what's in you

You have to continue

To grow!

[Hercules became adult now]

Phil: Now that's more like it!

(singing:)

I'm down to one last shot and my last high note

Before that blasted underworld gets my goat

My dreams are on you, kid

Go make 'em come true

Climb that uphill slope

Keep pushing that envelope

You're my one last hope

And, kids, it's up to you

Yeah!

Hercules: Did you see that? Next stop, Olympus.

Phil: All right, just take it easy, champ.

Hercules: I am ready, I want to get off this island. I want to see battles and

monsters! Rescue some damsels.. You know, heroic stuff.

Phil: Well--

Hercules: Aw, come on, Phil!

Phil: Well, okay, okay. You want a road test? Saddle up, kid. We're going

to Thebes!

Hercules: Yahoo!

[now flying on Pegasus]

So, what's in Thebes?

Phil: A lot of problems. It's a big tough town, good place to start building

a rep.

[they hear a woman screaming]

Sounds like your basic D.I.D. - Damsel In Distress.

Hercules: Hyah!

[They land and see Megara chased by a monster centaur]

Nessus: Not so fast, sweetheart

Megara: I swear, Nessus. Put me down or I'll--

Nessus: Whoo! I like 'em fiery!

[in the bushes Hercules gets angry, while Phil instructs..]

Phil: Now remember, kid. First, analyze the situation. Don't just barrel in

there without thinking. Eh?

[Hercules already walks to Nessus and Megara]

He's losin' points for this!

Megara: You don't know what you're--

Hercules: Halt!

Nessus: Step aside, two legs.

Hercules: Pardon me, my good, uh, uh..... sir. I'll have to ask you to release

that young...

Megara: Keep movin', junior

Hercules: ...lady. But you-- are-aren't you a damsel in distress?

Megara: I am a damsel, I am in distress. I can handle this. Have a nice day.

Hercules: Uh-- *ahem* Ma'am, I'm afraid you may be too close to the situation

to realize--

[he takes his sword out and Nessus immidiately hits him so he flies away]

Phil: Ohhh! What are you doin'? Get your sword!

Hercules (searching in water): Sword. Right, right.. Rule #15: A hero is only

as good as his weapon!

[he picks up a fish and directs it at Nessus. Nessus laugh and Megara looks

bored. Nessus then hits Hercules with a fist and Hercules flies away again]

Phil groans and tells to Pegassus who rushes to help:

Whoa! Hold it! Hold on! He's gotta do it on his own.

Come on, kid! Concentrate! Use your head!

Hercules: Oh...

[He runs and hits Nessus with his head. Nessus flies away]

Phil: All right! Not bad, kid. Not exactly what I had in mind, but not bad.

[Megara gets from water and coughs]

Hercules: Oh, gee, Miss, I'm I'm really sorry.

Megara: Oh.

Hercules: That was dumb

Megara: Yeah.

[Nessus runs in again]

Hercules: Excuse me.

[He attacks Nessus, hits his head several times and throws him]

Phil: Nice work! Excellente!

Megara: Is wonderboy here for real?

Phil: What are you talking about? Of course he's real..

(notices Megara)

Whoa! And by the way, sweet cheeks, I am real too.

[Phil gets on Megara's lap, but she pushes him into water]

Megara: Ugh

[meanwhile, Hercules ride on Nessus]

Hercules: Yee-hah! Yahoo!

[He finishes Nessus in a spectacular fight]

How was that, Phil?

Phil: Rein it in, rookie. You can get away with mistakes like those in the

minor decathlons, but this is the big leagues!

Hercules sighes: At least I beat him. Didn't I?

Phil: Next time don't let your guard down because of a pair of big goo-goo

eyes! D-oh! It's like I keep tellin' ya. You gotta stay focused, and

you--

[Hercules walks up to Megara]

Hercules: Are you, uh, all right, Miss, uh--

Megara: Megara. My friends call me Meg. At least they would if I had any

friends. So, did they give you a name along with all those rippling

pectorials?

Hercules: Uh, I'm, um, uh--

Megara: Are you always that articulate?

[she turns to leave]

Hercules: Hercules. my-- *ahem* My name is Hercules.

Megara: Hercules, huh? I think I prefer wonderboy.

Hercules: So, uh, how-how-how'd you get mixed up with the, uh--

Megara: Pinhead with hooves? Well, you know how men are. They think that "no"

means "yes" and "get lost" means "take me, I'm yours". Don't worry,

Shorty here can explain it to ya later.

[Phil growls]

Well, thanks for everything, Herc. It's been a real slice.

Hercules: Wait! Um.. can we give you a ride?

[Pegasus snorts, whinnies, and jumps to a high branch]

Megara: Uh, I don't think your Pinto likes me very much

Hercules: Pegasus? Oh, no, don't be silly. He'd be more than happy to-- ow!

[Pegasus drops an apple on Hercules' head]

Megara: I'll be all right. I'm a big, tough girl. I tie my own sandals and

everything. Bye-bye Wonderboy.

Hercules: Bye... She's something, isn't she, Phil?

Phil: Yeah, oh yeah, she's really something. A real pain in the patella!

Earth to Herc! Come in Herc! Come in Herc! We got a job to do,

remember? Thebes is still waitin'.

Hercules: Yeah. Yeah. I know.

[Megara walks into the forest and comes upon a rabbit and a small gopher]

Megara: Aw.. how cute. A couple of rodents looking for a theme park.

Pain (as a bunny): Who you callin' a rodent, sister? I'm a bunny!

Panic (as a gopher): A-and I'm his gopher.

Together: Ta-dah!

[they turn into themselves]

Megara sighes: I thought I smelled a rat.

Hades: Meg.

Megara: Speak of the devil.

Hades: Meg, my little flower, my little bird, my little nut, Meg. What exactly

happened here? I thought you were gonna persuade the river guardian

to join my team for the uprising, and here I am, kind of river

guardian-less.

Megara: I gave it my best shot, but he made me an offer I had to refuse.

Hades: Fine. So, instead of subtracting two years from your sentence, hey,

I'm gonna add two on, okay? Give that your best shot.

Megara: It wasn't my fault. It was that wonderboy, Hercules.

Panic: Hercules? Why does that name ring a bell?

Pain: I don't know. Um, maybe we owe him money?

Hades: What was that name again?

Megara: Hercules. He comes on with this big, innocent farm boy routine but I

could see through that in a peloponnesian minute.

Pain: Wait a minute. Wasn't Hercules the name of that kid we were supposed

to--

Pain and Panic: Oh my gods!

Panic: Run for it!

Hades: So you took care of him, huh? Dead as a door nail. Weren't those your

exact words?

Pain: This might be a different Hercules.

Panic: Yeah! I mean, Hercules is a very popular name nowadays!

Pain: Remember, like, a few years ago every other boy was named Jason and

the girls were all named Brittany?

Hades: I'm about to rearrange the Cosmos and the one schlemiel who can louse

it up is waltzing around in the woods!

[Hades explodes]

Pain: Wait. Wait, big guy. We can still cut in on his waltzing.

Panic: That's right! And-and-and at least we made him mortal, that's a good

thing. Didn't we?

Hades: Hmm.. Fortunately for the three of you we still have time to correct

this rather egregious oversight. And this time, no foul-ups.

{Meanwhile, Hercules and Phil are flying on Pegasus}

Hercules: Wow! Is that all one town?

Phil: One town. A million troubles. The one and only Thebes. The big olive

itself. If you can make it there, you can make it anywhere.

[they enter the crowd]

Stick with me, kid. This city is a dangerous place.

[they almost get hit by a passing carriage]

Driver: Look where you're goin' numbskull!

Phil: Het, I'm walkin' here! You see what I mean? I'm tellin' you - wackos.

Man: Pita bread, pita bread, get your pita bread here!

Smuggler: Hey, Mack.

[he opens his coat at Phil and Hercules]

Phil: Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Smuggler: You wanna buy a sundial?

Phil: He's not interested, all right? Come on, kid.

Man: The end is coming! Can't you feel it?

Phil: Yes, yes. Thank you for the info. Yes. We'll ponder that for a while.

(to Hercules) Just stare at the sidewalk. Come on. Don't make eye

contact. People here are nuts. That's because they live in a city of

turmoil. Trust me, kid, you're gonna be just what the doctor ordered.

Woman: It was tragic! We lost everything in the fire

Man: Everything except old Snowball here.

[Snowball the cat meows]

Strong man: Now, were the fires before or after the earthquake?

Thin woman: They were after the earthquake, I remember

Heavy woman: But before the flood.

Old man: Don't even get me started on the crime rate

Heavy woman: Thebes has certainly gone downfall in a hurry.

Old man: Tell me about it. It seems like every time I turn around there's

some new monster wreaking havoc and I--

Man: All we need now is a plague or locusts.

[Frog jumps in and scared everybody]

Old man: That's it! I'm movin' to Sparta!

Hercules: Excuse me. It uh *ahem* seems to me that what you folks need is

a hero.

Strong man: Yeah, and who are you?

Hercules: I'm Hercules, and, uh, I happen to be... a hero.

[crowd laughs]

Old man: Is that so?

Woman: A hero!

Old man: Have you ever saved a town before?

Hercules: Uh, no, uh, not exactly, but I--

Strong man: Have you ever reversed a natural disaster?

Hercules: Well, uh... no.

Strong man: Oh, listen to this. He's just another chariot chaser. This we need.

Woman: That's a laugh.

Phil: Don't you pea brains get it?

Woman: Hmm?

Phil: This kid is a genuine article.

Man: Het, isn't that the goat-man who trained Achilles?

Phil (getting angry) watch it pal

Strong man: Yeah, you're right. Hey, nice job on those heels! Ya missed a spot!

Phil: I got your heel right here!

(hits the man and starts beating him)

I'll wipe that stupid grin off your face! You--

Hercules: Hey Phil! Phil! Phil! Take it easy, Phil.

Strong man: What are you, crazy? Sheesh

Heavy woman: Young man, we need a professional hero. Not an amateur.

Hercules: Well, wait. Stop!

(sighs)

How am I supposed to prove myself a hero if nobody will give me

a chance?

Phil: You'll get your chance, you just need some kind of catastrophe or

disaster.

[Megara appears in the crowd]

Megara: Please! Help! Please! There's been a terrible accident!

Hercules: Meg?

Phil: Speaking of disasters.

Megara: Wonderboy! Hercules! Thank goodness!

Hercules: Wha-what's wrong?

Megara: Outside of town, two little boys, they were playing in the gorge.

There was that rock slide, a terrible rock slide. They're trapped!

Hercules: Kids? Trapped? Phil, this is great!

Megara: You are really choked up about this, aren't ya?

Hercules (dragging Meg): Come on!

Megara: No, I-- You don't under-- I have this terrible fear of heights!

Phil (running): I'm right behind ya, kid! Whoo!

(panting): I am way behind ya, kid.

(sputtering): I got a fur wedgie

[Hercules and Megara land and Hercules dismounts from Pegasus]

Hercules: Are you okay?

Megara: I'll be fine. Just get me down before I ruin the upholstery

Pain as boy: Help! I can't breathe!

Panic as boy: Hurry!

Pain as boy: Get us out!

Panic as boy: We're suffocating! Somebody call IX-I-I

Hercules: Easy fellas, you'll be all right

Pain as boy: We can't last much longer!

Panic as boy: Get us out before we get crushed!

[Hercules raises a huge boulder. Kids run out from under it and the crowd

applauses lightly]

Hercules: How you boys doin'?

Panic as boy: We're okay now

Pain as boy: Jeepers, mister, you are really strong!

Hercules (still holding the stone): Well, try to be a little more careful

next time, okay, kids?

Pain as boy: We sure will!

[they run away, up the slope and face Hades]

Hades: A stirring performance, boys. I was really moved.

Panic: "Jeepers, Mister" ?

Pain: I was going for innocence.

Hades: And, hey, two thumbs way, way up for our leading lady.

(looking at Megara): what a dish. what a doll.

Megara (quietly): Get outta there, you big lug, while you still can.

Hercules: Phil, I did great. They even applauded.. sort of.

[growling sound appears]

Phil: Huh! I hate to burst your bubble, kid, but that ain't applause.

[Hydra appears]

Hercules: Ph-ph-ph-phil? What do you call that thing?

Phil: Two words! Am-scray!!

Hades: Let's get ready to rumble!

[Hydra and Hercules start fighting]

Phil: That's it. Dance around! Dance around! Watch the teeth. Watch the teeth

Keep going. Come on. Come on. Lead with your left. Lead with your left!

You other left!!

[Finally Hercules cuts the head of Hydra off. Crowd cheers]

Phil: All right! All right! You are bad! Okay!

Hercules: See, Phil? That-- That wasn't so hard

[he drops sword and falls flat on the ground]

Phil: Kid, kid, kid, how many horns do ya see?

Hercules: Six?

Phil: Eh, close enough. Let's get you cleaned up.

[above on the Hades' watching place Panic shivers and gulps]

Hades: Guys, guys, relax. It's only halftime.

[below, Hercules and Phil hear rumbling from Hydra's body]

Phil: That doesn't sound good

[Hydra gets three new heads]

Phil: Definitely not good!

[Hercules on Pegasus fights with Hydra and keeps slicing her heads off, getting

more and more new ones]

Phil: Will you forget that head-slicing thing?

[Hercules gets knocked off Pegasus and falls among heads and necks of Hydra]

Hercules: Phil, I don't think we covered this one in basic training!

[Hercules escapes, but falls back from the cliff and is now pressed against

the wall by Hydra's paw]

Hades: My favorite part of the game: sudden death.

[Hercules crushes the rock on Hydra and gets buried under rocks himself too]

Phil: Oh! There goes another one. Just like Achilles.

Hades: Game. Set. Match.

[Hercules appears from Hydra's dead paw. Crowd chears real loud now]

Hercules: Phil, you gotta admit, that was pretty heroic.

Phil: Ya did it, kid! Ya did it! You won by a landslide!

[above]

Panic: Hades mad.

Megara: Well. What do ya know?

{cut to Muses}

Muse 5 sings:

From that day forward, out boy Hercules could do no wrong

(spoken): He was so hot, steam looked cool

Oh, yeah!

Muse 1: Bless my soul, Herc was on a roll

Person of the week in every greek opinion poll

Muse 2: What a pro!

Muse 5: Herc could stop a show

Point him at a monster and you're talkin' S.R.O.

He was a no one

A zero, a zero

Now he's a honcho

He's a hero!

He was a kid with his act down pat

Zero to hero in no time flat

Zero to hero

Just like that

When he smiled the girls went wild

With oohs and aahs

Muse 1: And they slapped his face on every vase

Muse 3: On every "Vahse"!

All: From appearance fees and royalties

Our Herc had cash to burn

Now nouveau riche and famous

He could tell you what's a grecian urn

Say amen

There he goes again

Sweet and underrated

And an awesome ten for ten

Folks lined up just to watch him flex

And this perfect package packed a pair of pretty pecs

Hercie, he comes, he sees, he conquers

Honey, the crowds were goin' bonkers

He showed the moxie brains and spunk -- yeah!

From zero to hero

A major hunk

Zero to hero

And who'd have thunk...

Who put the glad in gladiator?

Hercules!

Who's darin' deeds are great theater?

Hercules!

Isn't he bold?

No one braver!

Is he sweet?

Our favorite flavor!

Hercules

My man

Hercules

Hercules

Hercules

Look at my Hercules

Hercules

Hercules

Bless my soul, Herc was on a roll

Underrated, riding high

And the nicest guy

Not conceited

He was a nothing, zero, zero

Now he's a honcho, he's our hero!

He hit the heights at breakneck speed

From zero to hero

Herc is a hero

Now he's a hero

Muse 3: Yes, indeed.

[Hades practices shooting at targets]

Hades: Pull!

Megara: Nice shooting, Rex.

Hades: I can't believe this guy. I throw everything I've got at him. And it

doesn't even--

(sees Pain wearing Hercules(tm) sandals)

What are those?

Pain: Um.. I don't know. I thought they looked kinda dashing.

Hades: I've got 24 hours to get rid of this bozo, or the entire scheme

I've been setting up for 18 years goes up in smoke and you are wearing

his merchandise!!!

[Panis interrupts them by slurping some cola from a Hercules(tm) plasic cup]

Panic: Thirsty?

[Hades yells, causing a small earthquake]

Megara: Looks like your game's over. Wonderboy is hitting every curve you

throw at him.

Hades: Oh yeah.. I wonder if maybe I haven't been throwing the right curves

at him. Meg, my sweet.

Megara: Don't even go there.

Hades: See, he's gotta have a weakness, because everybody's got a weakness

I mean for what? Pandora, it was the box thing, for the Trojans, hey,

they bet on the wrong hors