aka DUMB AND DUMBER

Screenplay by

Peter Farrelly & Bennett Yellin & Bob Farrelly

POLISHED DRAFT

11-19-93

MISLED AND UNINFORMED

FADE IN:

EXT. PROVIDENCE, RHODE ISLAND - WINTER MORNING

A PRETTY YOUNG WOMAN is standing on the street corner waiting for a bus. She's carrying

books and looking very collegiate.

A black stretch LIMOUSINE with darkened windows drives past, SLAMS ON ITS BRAKES,

and backs up. The Young Woman stares at her reflection in the windows, wondering what this is

all about.

Finally, the REAR PASSENGER WINDOW zips down, revealing LLOYD CHRISTMAS, age

30. He's a pleasant-enough looking guy, if a little shaggy. He's wearing a dark suit.

LLOYD

Excuse me, can you tell me how to get

to the medical school? I'm supposed

to be giving a lecture in twenty

minutes and my driver's a bit lost.

YOUNG WOMAN

(heavy European accent)

Go straight aheads and makes a left

over za bridge.

Lloyd checks out her body.

LLOYD

I couldn't help noticing the accent.

You from Jersey?

YOUNG WOMAN

(unimpressed)

Austria.

LLOYD

Austria? You're kidding.

(mock-Australian accent)

Well, g'day, mate. What do you say

we get together later and throw a few

shrimp on the barbie.

The Young Woman turns her back to him and walks away.

LLOYD (CONT.)

(to self)

Guess I won't be going Down Under

tonight?

He SIGHS and zips the window back up.

INT. LIMO

Lloyd climbs through the driver's partition into the front seat. Then he puts a CHAUFFEUR'S

CAP on his head and drives away. We see that HE'S THE DRIVER!

The dispatch radio CRACKLES TO LIFE:

DISPATCHER

(v.o.)

Carr 22, come in, car 22?

Lloyd grabs his CB mike.

LLOYD

This is 22.

DISPATCHER

22, where the hell are you, Lloyd?

You're running late on the East Side

pick-up.

LLOYD

Cool your jets, Arnie. I'm on my

way.

DISPATCHER

(v.o.)

Well hurry it up. And make sure you park legally. One more ticket and

your ass is history.

CUT TO:

EXT. MUTT CUTS DOG SALON - DAY

This building is white with black spots on it, like a DALMATION. Over the front door is an

awning shaped like a DOG'S SNOUT, whiskers included. A van pulls up outside.

The vehicle is decorated like a GIANT POODLE, with four legs hanging off the sides, a tail in the

rear, and a dog's snout on the front grill. MUTT CUTS is written on the side of it.

HARRY DUNNE climbs out. He's in his early 30s and dressed in a ridiculous BEAGLE

COSTUME, including a CAP WITH FLOPPY EARS. He goes to the rear of the van, opens it,

and a swarm of DOGS pile out.

HARRY

Okay, gang, single file. You know

the rules: No pushing, no humping,

and no sniffing heinies?

The door to the shop opens and Harry's annoyed boss, MR. PALMER, sticks his head out.

PALMER

Hey, why aren't those mutts on

leashes?

HARRY

The same reason you're not on a

leash, sir ?because it's demeaning

and it chafes like hell.

PALMER

Just get them in here now! They all

have to be bathed and clipped in an

hour.

Palmer disappears back inside. Harry CALLS to the dogs but they pay no attention. He struggles

to keep them from wandering off. He grabs a couple of SMALL POOCHES and sits them on a

wall.

HARRY

You kids stay right here?

As he turns to round up the other, we discover that the wall isn't a wall ?it's a flatbed truck. The

truck drives away, taking the two dogs with it.

HARRY (CONT.)

(at truck)

Hey, wait a minute!

Harry chases after the vehicle.

CUT TO:

EXT. EAST SIDE ESTATE - DAY

Lloyd Christmas pulls the limousine into a long, tree-lined driveway. He gets out and looks up in

awe at an IMPRESSIVE STONE MANSION. He WHISTLES to himself, then walks to the front

door and RINGS THE BELL.

The double-front doors of the mansion open and MARY SWANSON appears. She's 25 and

gorgeous. Lloyd's jaw drops open when he lays eyes on her.

MARY

Hello.

(beat)

I'll be just a minute?

As Mary steps back inside, Lloyd takes out a tiny can of Binaca. He sprays his mouth, under his

arms, his hair, behind his ears?

CUT TO:

INT. LIMO - DAY

Lloyd is driving and Mary is in the back, looking out the window, lost in thought. She's got a

BRIEFCASE resting on her lap and she fingers the leather nervously. Lloyd keeps glancing at her

in the rear-view mirror, but for a moment he is speechless. Then:

LLOYD

Why you going to the airport? Flying

somewhere?

MARY

(dead-pan)

How'd you guess?

LLOYD

Well, I saw your luggage, then when I

noticed the airline ticket, I put two

and two together.

(beat)

So where you heading?

MARY

Aspen.

LLOYD

Oh, you're gonna love it. I hear

California's beautiful this time of

year.

Mary looks back out the window and Lloyd sneaks another glance.

LLOYD

Name's Christmas. Lloyd Christmas.

MARY

I'm Mary.

ON LLOYD - we can almost see his mind work. He's desperate to impress her.

LLOYD

Uh, this isn't my real job, you know.

It's only temporary.

MARY

Oh?

LLOYD

Yeah, you see, my friend Harry and I

are saving up our money so we can

open our own pet store.

MARY

That's nice.

LLOYD

(smiling)

I got worms.

MARY

I beg your pardon?

LLOYD

That's what we're gonna call it: I

Got Worms. We're gonna specialize in

selling worm farms ?you know, like

ant farms. A lot of people don't

realize that worms make much better

pets than ants. They're quiet,

affectionate, they don't bite, and

they're super with the kids.

MARY

Aren't ants quiet, too?

Lloyd realizes she has a point.

LLOYD

Uh?well, sure ?but they aren't half

as affectionate. And if you cut an

ant's head off, it won't grow back.

MARY

I see.

LLOYD

And best of all, worm farming is a

seventy-five-thousand-dollar-a-year

industry. I wouldn't mind having a

piece of that pie, if you know what I

mean.

To her credit, she doesn't. They continue driving. Mary looks at her watch and crosses her legs.

Lloyd can see that she's concerned about something.

LLOYD (CONT.)

What's the matter? Little tense

about the flight?

MARY

(beat)

Something like that.

Lloyd SWIVELS AROUND and STARES over his shoulder at her.

LLOYD

It's really nothing to worry about,

Mary. Statistically, they say you're

more likely to get killed on the way

to the airport. You know, like in a

head-on crash, or something.

MARY

Um, Lloyd, could please keep your

eyes on the road.

LLOYD

Good thinking. There's a lot of bad

drivers out there.

Lloyd turns back to the steering wheel.

CUT TO:

EXT. AIRPORT - DAY

Lloyd is putting the last bags on a cart. He closes the trunk and turns to Mary. She looks nervous

and disconcerted as she reaches into her purse. She pulls out a ten-dollar tip.

MARY

Here you go.

LLOYD

Keep it. It was my pleasure.

For the first time, Mary Swanson offers a slight smile. This makes her more lovely than ever.

LLOYD (CONT.)

Relax, Mary. Just get trashed and

pass out. You'll be there before you

know it.

MARY

Thanks Lloyd.

(beat)

And good luck with your worms.

Then she PICKS UP HER BRIEFCASE and walks into the terminal, followed by a PORTER

pushing her bags. Lloyd watches her, ENCHANTED, until she's out of sight.

Afterwards, he climbs back into the limo, LOVESICK. For a moment he doesn't even have the

energy to turn the key. He just drops his head against the steering wheel, DEVASTATED. There's

a TAP on the window. Lloyd looks up to see a POLICE OFFICER standing there.

POLICE OFFICER

Come on, move it, you're in a red

zone.

Lloyd starts the limo and pulls away.

CUT TO:

INT. AIRPORT TERMINAL - DAY

Mary looks tense as she moves through the throngs of travelers. Her pace is slow, deliberate, and

her eyes are focused straight ahead.

She passes a row of phone botths and two MEN ?one dressed in an ARMANI SUIT, the other in

a PLAID SPORTCOAT ?watch her.

ARMANI SUIT

She's gonna leave the briefcase at

the foot of the escalator. You make

the pick-up.

PLAID SPORTCOAT

Piece of cake.

EXT. AIRPORT TERMINAL - DAY

As Lloyd pulls his limo slowly away, he glances in the airport window and SEES MARY

WALKING ALONG.

When she stops at the foot of the escalator, he stops, too. She puts down the briefcase and checks

her coat pocket for her ticket. Lloyd's attention is distracted by a HONK. He turns to see a car

directly behind him.

LLOYD

(to car's driver)

Drive around me, you pinhead!

When he turns back to watch Mary in the terminal he sees that SHE'S GONE, and she's LEFT

HER BRIEFCASE AT THE FOOT OF THE STAIRS. Lloyd jumps to ATTENTION.

He pulls the car into a HANDICAPPED SPOT and hops out. He starts to run into the terminal,

then notices the Police Officer and suddenly goes into a spastic walk, limping and dragging him leg

behind him like a palsy victim.

INT. AIRPORT TERMINAL

The Armani Man nods to the Plaid Sportcoat and he starts to approach the briefcase. Just as Plaid

Sportcoat is reaching for the handle, LLOYD RUNS BY AND GRABS IT. He CONTINUES UP

THE ESCALATOR three steps at a time. The two men look at each other, dumbstruck.

INT. AIRPORT TERMINAL - BOARDING GATE

Lloyd runs with the briefcase to the TV monitors that post the departure times. He looks

frantically at the confusion of numbers.

LLOYD

Damn!

QUICK CUT of a dejected Lloyd looking out the window as he watches as Mary's airplane taxiing

away.

EXT. AIRPORT TERMINAL - DAY

Lloyd comes out with the briefcase, passing the two men, who FOLLOW HIM AT A

DISTANCE. He starts walking down the sidewalk when suddenly he STOPS IN HIS TRACKS.

HIS POV - his limo is being towed away ?under the supervision of the Police Officer.

He takes off after it, but to no avail.

LLOYD

You can't do this! I'll lose my job!

As Lloyd watches the limo get towed out of site, he runs his fingers through his hair.

CUT TO:

EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING - AFTERNOON

We see the Mutt Cuts van pull up and park at the curb. A dejected Harry climbs out. At the same

time, a taxi pulls up and drops off Lloyd. (He's clutching Mary Swanson's briefcase.) Both he and

Harry climb the steps of the building. They disappear inside without acknowledging each other.

ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE STREET - a black Cadillac pulls up and parks. Inside are the

Armani suit and the Sportcoat. They are J.P. SHAY and JOSEPH MENTALINO (aka JOE

MENTAL).

MENTAL

Who the hell do you figure this guy's

working for?

SHAY

I don't know, but we'd better find

out?

Mental takes some PILLS and starts CHOMPING them.

SHAY (CONT.)

Your ulcer?

MENTAL

It ain't gonna kill me.

INT. APARTMENT CORRIDOR

Lloyd and Harry trudge up the stairs and proceed silently toward the door of their apartment.

INT. APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM

Lloyd and Harry ENTER and pass each other quietly as they both plunk down in their favorite

easy chairs. (Lloyd still has the briefcase in his lap.) Harry's caged parakeet, PETEY, tweets hello,

but the two guys just sit there SILENTLY.

The place is a mess. Wallpaper's peeling off the walls. The carpet is threadbare and filthy. In the

corner we see a miniature WORM FARM and a large terrarium filled with dirt and worms. Here

are a couple pieces of haggard furniture with stuffing spilling out of the gashes.

HARRY

I got fired again.

Lloyd shakes his head.

LLOYD

I don't mean to be harsh, Harry, but

let's face it, you are one pathetic

loser. No offense.

HARRY

None taken. Were you shitcanned,

too?

LLOYD

Of course not.

(beat)

I quit.

HARRY

Why'd you quit?

LLOYD

I had a hunch Arnie was gonna fire

me.

HARRY

Why didn't you wait and see if

your suspicions were well-founded?

LLOYD

Winners control their own destiny,

Har.

Lloyd fetches a couple beers from the fridge and throws one to him.

HARRY

You know, the thing that really chaps

my ass is that I just spent my life

savings turning my van into a poodle.

(beat)

The alarm alone cost me two hundred.

LLOYD

Big deal. That car's an old bomb

anyway.

HARRY

What are you talking about? It's

only six years old.

LLOYD

That's forty-two in dog years.

They open their beers and drink simultaneously. Then Harry notices the briefcase.

HARRY

What's with the briefcase?

LLOYD

It's a love memento.

HARRY

Huh?

LLOYD

The most beautiful woman alive. Her

name was Mary. I drove her to the

airport. Sparks flew, emotions ran

high, breasts heaved. She left this

case in the terminal and flew to

Aspen and out of my life. End of

story.

HARRY

What's in it?

LLOYD

DO you really expect me to go

snooping around in someone else's

private property?

HARRY

Why not?

LLOYD

(beat)

It's locked.

They take another sip of their beers. Suddenly we hear a LOUD KNOCK at the door. Petey the

parakeet starts to SQUAWK. The guys look at each other, ALARMED, then Harry tip-toes to the

PEEPHOLE.

HARRY'S POV - a DISTORTED-LOOKING J.P. Shay and Joe Mental are standing at the door.

LLOYD

(WHISPERING to Harry)

Friend or foe?

HARRY

(WHISPERING)

We don't have any friends.

Harry is still squinting out the peephole.

HARRY

Can't recognize them. Could be

student loan thugs again, or the IRS,

or maybe somebody pissed off about

that case of Girl Scout cookies you

bounced a check on.

LLOYD

Hey, I ordered Mystic Mint. The

little swindlers gave me Peanut

Butter Praline.

HARRY

Well, whoever they are, they look

serious. One of them's even wearing

plaid.

LLOYD

(cringing)

That's a hostile pattern. I say we

bail and get down to unemployment.

Lloyd GRABS THE BRIEFCASE and the two of them EXIT out the window and down the fire

escape.

CUT TO:

EXT. UNEMPLOYMENT OFFICE - AFTERNOON

The poodle van pulls up to the curb in front of the building and PARKS NEXT TO A FIRE

HYDRANT. Lloyd and Harry climb out. Lloyd takes a trash can and places it OVER THE

HYDRANT, COVERING IT COMPLETELY.

INT. STANLEY GRABNER'S OFFICE - UNEMPLOYMENT OFFICE - AFTERNOON

STANLEY GRABNER is small, plump, balding, not a lot of laughs.

GRABNER

Gentlemen, I'm delighted to say that

neither I nor the unemployment

department of the state of Rhose

Island can do anything for you.

(beat)

You've run out of chances. You're

unemployable. Remember last year?

Middle of winter I busted my butt to

get you both prime jobs. Twelve-

fifty an hour, and you went and blew

it!

LLOYD

Blew it? For your information, we

only missed three days in two months.

HARRY

Yeah, and that was because of a

blizzard

GRABNER

(exploding)

YOU WERE SNOW PLOW OPERATORS!

Grabner falls back in his chair, exhausted.

HARRY

Come on, Stan. I'm sure you can find

something else for us. How about

another crack at that Suicide

Hotline?

Grabner jumps up.

GRABNER

OUT!!!!!

CUT TO:

INT. HARRY & LLOYD'S APARTMENT - AFTERNOON

J.P. Shay is looking through Harry and Lloyd's kitchen cupboards as Joe Mental comes out of the

bedroom.

MENTAL

The briefcase ain't here. He must've

taken it with him.

J.P. SHAY

Shit.

(beat)

Well he's gotta come home sometime.

Joe Mental ominously approaches Petey the parakeet's cage.

MENTAL

Maybe we should leave him a little

message to let 'em know we're playing

hardball.

Mental opens the cage door and wraps his meaty fist around the bird, who SCREECHES IN

TERROR.

MENTAL (CONT.)

(a la Tweety Bird)

I taut I taw a puddy cat.

Mental smiles, and as we PAN to J.P. Shay, we hear a bone-chilling O.S. SNAP and Petey the bird

stops SQUAWKING.

MENTAL (CONT.)

(still Tweety)

I did, I did?

DISSOLVE TO:

The Mutt Cuts van pulls up to the curb. A depressed Lloyd and Harry climb out and mope up to

their apartment building entrance.

LLOYD

Give me what's left of our dough.

I'll go to the corner and buy a few

necessities.

Harry hands his friend some crumpled bills.

LLOYD (CONT.)

What's cheaper, Thunderbird or Night

Train?

HARRY

Get Robitussin ?it's a better buzz.

CUT TO:

EXT. CORNER GROCERY STORE - NIGHT

Lloyd comes out of the store with his arms full of groceries. He stops at a newspaper machine,

pulls out his WALLET and removes a quarter.

He drops the quarter in the machine, opens it, and realizes that he DOESN'T HAVE A FREE

HAND to pick up the newspaper. He puts his wallet inside the machine, picks up the newspaper,

and as he does so THE MACHINE SLAMS SHUT WITH HIS WALLET STILL INSIDE.

Lloyd SIGHS, puts his grocery bags on the machine, and checks his pockets. NO MORE

CHANGE. Just then, an ELDERLY WOMAN struggles by using a WALKER.

LLOYD

Excuse me, little old lady, do you

have change for a dollar?

ELDERLY WOMAN

Change? No, I'm sorry, I don't?

LLOYD

Well could you do me a favor and

guard this while I go break a dollar?

My wallet's locked in this machine.

ELDERLY LADY

Of course, young man?

Lloyd runs back into the store. We HOLD ON THE STORE DOOR as Lloyd EXITS a few

seconds later with a handful of quarters. Suddenly he stops in his tracks. The ELDERLY LADY,

HER WALKER, AND HIS GROCERIES ARE GONE. As he takes a closer look, he sees that

SHE HAS TAKEN HIS WALLET ALSO.

CUT TO:

INT. APARTMENT BUILDING STAIRWELL - NIGHT

A thoroughly beleaguered Lloyd is trudging empty-handed up the steps to his apartment.

INT. LLOYD & HARRY'S APARTMENT

The door opens and Lloyd ENTERS. Harry is sitting on the couch, looking almost comatose.

HARRY

Where's the booze?

LLOYD

It's gone. I got robbed by Grandma

Walton. She got my wallet, too.

Harry drops his head and lets out a MOAN.

LLOYD (CONT.)

Come on, man, cheer up. We've been

down before. I'm sure we'll land on

our heads somewhere.

HARRY

It gets worse, Lloyd. My parakeet

Petey ?he's?he's dead.

Lloyd looks touched by this.

LLOYD

Oh man, I'm sorry, Harry. What

happened?

HARRY

His head fell off.

LLOYD

His head fell off?

HARRY

Yeah, he was pretty old.

Lloyd puts his hand on Harry's shoulder compassionately.

LLOYD

(hopeful)

I don't suppose he had a warranty?

HARRY

Nah, I bought him used.

As Lloyd thinks about the unfairness of life, he grows upset.

LLOYD

That's it! I've had it with this

dump! We don't have food, we don't

have jobs, our pets' heads are

falling off, we're surrounded by

roving gangs of larcenous old

ladies?

HARRY

Okay, calm down.

LLOYD

No I won't calm down.

Lloyd flops down in a chair.

LLOYD (CONT.)

What the hell are we doing here

anyway, Harry? We've got to get out

of this town.

HARRY

Yeah, and go where?

LLOYD

I'll tell you where: someplace warm,

a place where the beer flows like

wine, where beautiful women

instinctively flock like the salmon

of Capistrano.

(dramatic PAUSE)

I'm talking about Aspen.

HARRY

Aspen?

LLOYD

That's right, Aspen.

HARRY

I don't know, Lloyd, the French are

assholes.

LLOYD

Let me ask you something: do you want

to end up like Petey ?dead in some

flea-ridden apartment, face-down on a

Dear Abby column, with a soggy

sunflower seed pressed against your

beak? Or do you want to enjoy your

life?

(beat)

Come on, Harry, don't let Petey's

death be in vain. Don't you see what

he was saying? Spread your wings,

man. he was saying? Spread your wings,

man. Fly.

HARRY

(confused)

What are you talking about, Lloyd?

His head fell off.

(dawning realization)

Wait a second, I know what you're up

to. You just wanna go to Aspen so

you can find that girl who lost her

briefcase ?and you need me to drive

you there.

LLOYD

That's bullshit. I'll drive.

(beat)

And what's so wrong about going

someplace where we know someone who

can plug us into the social pipeline?

HARRY

(torn)

I don't know, Lloyd. I think we

should stay here, hunt for jobs, and

keep saving money for the worm store.

I'm getting a little sick and tired

of always running from creditors.

Lloyd moves to the window and looks out at the gray, wintry cityscape.

LLOYD

You know what I'm sick and tired of,

Harry? I'm sick and tired of having

to eek my way through life. I'm sick

and tired of being a nobody.

(beat)

But most of all, I'm sick and tired

of having nobody.

There's a deadly SILENCE as they both think about this. Then Harry tries to lighten the mood. He

opens his arms wide.

HARRY

Come on, Lloyd. Give us a kiss.

LLOYD

On the other hand, maybe you're

right, Harry. Maybe we should stay

here and try our luck in bankruptcy

court. With all those lawsuits

against us, I'm sure we'll win at

least one. It could be a boost to

our egos.

Harry sees that Lloyd has a point. He stands and approaches Petey's cage. His eyes fill with tears.

HARRY

(emotional)

Petey, I made a promise to you once,

man?

(thinking hard)

卆nd I'll be damned if I can

remember what it was.

CUT TO:

EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY

The Mutt Cutts van is going down the highway while Danny Wilson's "Mary's Prayer" plays on the

soundtrack. The van drives past and we HOLD ON a sign that reads: "YOU ARE LEAVING

PROVIDENCE, RHODE ISLAND. COME BACK SOON." VARIOUS OTHER AERIAL

SHOTS of the car travelling down the road while the song continues to play.

INT. MUTT CUTTS VAN - DAY

Harry's behind the wheel and Lloyd's in the passenger seat. The Animal's "We've Got to Get Out

of This Place" is BLASTING on the radio and the guys are SINGING ALONG:

LLOYD & HARRY

"We've got to get out of this place,

If it's the last thing we ever do,

We've got to get out of this place,

Girl, there's a better life, for me

and you?

Lloyd turns down the radio.

LLOYD

Well, we're finally doing it. Do you

realize that in all the years we've

known each other, this is the first

time we've done this together.

HARRY

Been run out of town?

LLOYD

Taken a trip.

Harry reaches over and UNDOES HIS SEATBELT. Lloyd watches, curious.

LLOYD (CONT.)

Why'd you do that?

HARRY

What?

LLOYD

Take your seatbelt off.

HARRY

Because we just cleared the danger

zone.

LLOYD

Huh?

HARRY

Don't you know anything, Lloyd?

Ninety percent of all accidents

happen within five miles of home.

We've already traveled 6.3 miles.

Lloyd thinks about this. Then:

LLOYD

Well what about the people who live

around here? What if we got into an

accident with one of them?

Harry considers this, then sheepishly puts his seatbelt back on. Lloyd opens a bag of Doritos and

fiddles with the radio.

HARRY

Where'd you get those?

LLOYD

Bought 'em when we filled up.

HARRY

Lloyd, I thought we agreed to confer

on all expenditures. We're on a

tight budget, remember?

LLOYD

This didn't come out of our travel

fund. I was able to scrape up

twenty-five bucks before we

left. You know, so we could live in

style.

HARRY

Where'd you get twenty-five extra

bucks?

LLOYD

I sold some stuff to Billy in 4-C.

HARRY

You mean the blind kid?

LLOYD

That's right.

Lloyd looks out the window guiltily.

HARRY

What did you sell him, Lloyd?

LLOYD

Just some odds and ends.

HARRY

Specifically?

LLOYD

Oh, a few baseball cards, a sack of

marbles, Petey, three comic books ?

HARRY

--Wait a second, are you telling me

you sold my dead bird to a blind kid?

LLOYD

Well who else was I gonna sell it to?

HARRY

But Lloyd, Petey didn't even have a

head.

LLOYD

Put your mind at ease, friend. I

took care of it.

CUT TO:

EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING - DAY

At the bottom of the stairs leading up to the building is a little blind boy, BILLY. He sits in a

wheelchair playing with a PARAKEET WHOSE HEAD IS SCOTCH-TAPED ON. He throws the

dead bird up, but it flops into his lap.

BILLY

Fly!

Joe Mental and J.P. Shay approach and climb the steps.

CUT TO:

CLOSE ON A NOTE - taped to Harry and Lloyd's apartment door. It reads: TO ALL OUR

LOVED ONES - PACKED UP AND DROVE TO ASPEN - HAVE A NICE LIFE - LLOYD

AND HARRY.

PULLBACK to reveal Joe Mental and J.P. Shay.

MENTAL

Those bastards. They're rubbing it

right in our faces.

J.P. SHAY

Shit! Andre will have a goddamn

aneurysm if we don't get that

briefcase back.

MENTAL

Don't worry, we'll get it back. And

I'll tell you something else. They

ain't gonna reach Aspen, either.

I'll make sure of that.

Mental takes out more ANTACID PILLS and starts to chew on them.

EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING - DAY

A pissed-off Shay and Mental EXIT the building. Mental pops more antacid pills into his mouth as

they descend the stairs. Little Billy is still tossing the lifeless parakeet into the air.

BILLY

Come on, boy, fly!

Plop. Then Billy hears Shay and Mental on the steps and CALLS OUT:

BILLY (CONT.)

Excuse me, mister. Is there

something wrong with my bird?

Mental picks up the bird, studies it, then angrily and WINGS IT DOWN THE STREET as hard as

he can.

MENTAL

Don't worry, Ironside, he just flew

south for the winter.

CUT TO:

INT. MUTT CUTTS VAN - AFTERNOON

Harry is still driving while Lloyd studies a map spread out before him.

HARRY

How far have we gone?

LLOYD

According to this map, about an inch

and a half.

HARRY

Shit. We're gonna need a smaller map

or we'll never get there. We don't

have enough gas money.

LLOYD

Relax. We have more than enough.

HARRY

I believe you're wrong, Lloyd.

LLOYD

And I believe I'm right, Harry.

HARRY

I still say wrong, Lloyd.

LLOYD

How much you wanna bet?

HARRY

I don't bet.

Lloyd looks at his friend, incredulous.

LLOYD

What do you mean you don't bet?

HARRY

I mean I don't gamble, you know that.

Never have and never will.

LLOYD

Oh, bull. I'll bet you our next meal

that I can get you gambling before

the day's out.

HARRY

There's no way, Lloyd. You can't do

it.

LLOYD

I'll give you three-to-one odds.

That's three feedbags if you win,

against only one if you lose.

HARRY

You're wasting your money, Lloyd. I

already told you, I don't gamble.

LLOYD

Okay, five-to-one I can get you

gambling before the day's out.

HARRY

Sorry, pal, no way.

LLOYD

Make it ten-to-one.

Harry sticks out his hand.

HARRY

You got yourself a bet, sucker!

As Harry SHAKES LLOYD'S HAND, Lloyd breaks into a BIG SMILE. Harry immediately

realizes he's been had.

CUT TO:

EXT. TRUCK STOP CAF?- AFTERNOON

The Mutt Cutt van is sandwiched between mountainous tractor-trailer trucks.

INT. TRUCK STOP CAF?

Lloyd and Harry are sitting at a booth, surrounded by tables of tough-looking TRUCKERS. Harry

doesn't look happy. A middle-aged, no-nonsense WAITRESS approaches their table with a couple

of burgers and drinks. She puts them down in front of the boys and starts to walk away.

LLOYD

(to Waitress)

Uh, excuse me?

The Waitress reluctantly returns to the table.

LLOYD (CONT.)

What's the soup du jour?

WAITRESS

It's the soup-of-the-day.

LLOYD

Sounds tasty. I'll have a bowl.

WAITRESS

(sarcastic)

Anything else before I leave the

area?

HARRY

Actually, this chocolate milk isn't

mixed very well. Could you please

bring me a spoon?

The Waitress SIGHS and picks up the milk. Then she BLOWS INTO THE STRAW, MIXING

THE DRINK.

WAITRESS

There. Now you don't need one.

The guys watch her stomp away.

LLOYD

Feels good to mingle with these laid-

back country-folk, don't it, Harry?

Harry wipes off his straw with a napkin. As he moves to put it in the ashtray, he accidentally

KNOCKS OVER THE SALT SHAKER.

LLOYD (CONT.)

Uh-oh?

HARRY

What's the matter?

LLOYD

You spilled the salt. That's bad

luck. We're driving across the

country and the last thing we need is

bad luck. Quick, toss a handful of

salt over your right shoulder.

HARRY

What for?

LLOYD

Because that's good luck.

Harry shrugs, shakes some salt into his palm, and flings it over his shoulder. Suddenly they hear a

YELP.

MALE VOICE

(o.s.)

What the fuck?!

LLOYD

Or was it the left shoulder?

They turn and see a burly TRUCKER wiping salt out of his eyes.

TRUCKER

Who's the dead man threw shit in my

eye?

The huge Trucker stands and squints at Lloyd and Harry. He's wearing a FOAM BASEBALL

CAP that says: WINE 'EM, DINE 'EM, SIXTY-NINE 'EM.

HARRY

It was a terrible accident, Sir.

Believe me, I would never do anything

to offend a man of your size. Please

accept my most sincere apology.

The Trucker GROWLS and approaches the table, egged on by his equally burly FRIENDS.

BURLY FRIEND #1

Teach him a lesson, Sea Bass!

Sea Bass glares down at Harry's hamburger.

SEA BASS

You gonna eat that?

HARRY

Um?the thought had crossed my mind.

At this, Sea Bass leans over and DROPS A BIG, BROWN WAD OF TOBACCO SPIT ONTO

THE HAMBURGER.

SEA BASS

Still want it?

Harry stares at the burger non-commitally.

HARRY

Nah, you go ahead.

Sea Bass picks up the burger and walks back to his table, to the LAUGHTER of his friends.

CUT TO:

EXT. TRUCK STOP CAF?- AFTERNOON

J.P. Shay is at the gas pump filling the black Cadillac while Joe Mental stretches his legs. A large

truck pulls away, REVEALING THE PREVIOUSLY HIDDEN MUTT CUTTS VAN. Mental

smiles at this, and we

CUT TO:

INT. TRUCK STOP CAF?

The Waitress drops the check on Lloyd and Harry's table and STOMPS away. Harry studies the

bill and SIGHS.

HARRY

Perfect. I'm out eight bucks and I

still haven't eaten.

LLOYD

Well if you'd stop picking fights

with the locals?

(brightening)

Wait a second. I think I just had an

idea. Follow me?

Lloyd stands and walks over to Sea Bass and his pals. A nervous Harry trails after him.

LLOYD (CONT.)

Excuse me, gentlemen, I'd just like

to apologize for that unpleasant

scene a little earlier.

SEA BASS

Huh?

LLOYD

What I'm trying to say is, my friend

and I would like to buy you guys a

round of beers, just to bury the

hatchet.

Harry stares at Lloyd like he's out of his mind, but the Truckers seem to like the idea.

SEA BASS

Make it four boiler-makers.

LLOYD

Whatever you want, sir. I'll have

the waitress send them over. Oh, and

fellas ?hope to see you again down

the road.

Lloyd and Harry move away from the table toward the CASHIER.

HARRY

Lloyd, what are you doing? You know

we can't afford to buy them drinks.

Lloyd hands the Cashier their check.

LLOYD

Um, Sea Bass and the fellas offered

to pick up our check. They said just

add this to their tab.

CASHIER

(skeptical)

Sea Bass said that?

LLOYD

Well, if that guy at the table over

there is Sea Bass?

He points across the room to Sea Bass and company. Sea Bass NODS TO THE CASHIER AND

GESTURES TO HIS TABLE, NOT WANTING TO MISS OUT ON HIS FREE DRINK. The

Cashier is convinced.

CASHIER

Okey-dokey, if that's what he

wants?

Harry smiles at this. He grabs a couple Beef Jerky's, a candy bar, and a copy of The National

Enquirer off the counter.

HARRY

Oh, and put these on there, too.

CASHIER

You got it.

LLOYD

(to Cashier)

By the way, how far is it to Rhode

Island from here?

CUT TO:

EXT. TRUCK STOP CAF?- AFTERNOON

The front door BURSTS OPEN and a red-faced Sea Bass STORMS OUT, followed by his

buddies, the Cashier, and the Waitress.

SEA BASS

I'm gonna kill those sons-of-bitches!

CASHIER

Hurry and you'll catch 'em. They was

on their way to Rhode Island.

The Truckers jump in their rigs and RUMBLE AWAY ?in the OPPOSITE DIRECTION our

boys are headed.

CUT TO:

EXT. HIGHWAY - AFTERNOON

The Mutt Cutts van breezes by.

INT. MUTT CUTTS VAN - AFTERNOON

A jubilant Harry's driving and chewing on a mouthful of Beef Jerky.

LLOYD

I just wish we could've seen Sea

Bass's face when he got the bill.

HARRY

I hope we never have to.

LLOYD

Don't worry. That fish-head is

probably half-way to Providence by

now.

HARRY

I hope so.

Harry checks his rear-view mirror nervously.

LLOYD

Hey, stop the car. I gotta take a

whiz.

HARRY

Are you crazy? I'm not stopping now.

What if they figure out we went the

other way. They'll be on us in no

time.

LLOYD

But I gotta go. What am I supposed

to do?

HARRY

Hold it.

LLOYD

I can't hold it. I'm about to

explode.

HARRY

Well?just take a whiz in an empty beer

bottle. There's a couple on the

floor in the back seat.

LLOYD

Are you serious?

HARRY

Yes, I'm serious. I'm not stopping

now. We could get killed.

Lloyd SIGHS. He takes an EMPTY BEER BOTTLE from the back seat and UNZIPS his fly.

Suddenly we hear a PEEING SOUND. Then:

LLOYD

Uh-oh?

HARRY

What's the matter?

LLOYD

The bottle's almost full and I'm

still going.

HARRY

Well stop going.

LLOYD

I can't stop once I already started,

you know that. Quick, get me another

bottle.

Harry can BARELY HOLD THE STEERING WHEEL as he reaches way in the back seat for an

empty.

LLOYD (CONT.)

Jesus, be careful! You almost went

off the road.

HARRY

I'm sorry, Lloyd. I'm doing the best

I can.

He hands Lloyd another empty and Lloyd quickly makes the switch.

LLOYD

Here, hold this.

Before Harry knows it he's holding the full BOTTLE OF URINE.

EXT. HIGHWAY - LATE DAY

As the Mutt Cutts van travels down the highway, it passes a STATE TROOPER on a motorcycle

hidden in the bushes. The Trooper takes off after them.

INT. MUTT CUTTS VAN

Harry is doing his best to steer while now holding FIVE FULL BOTTLES AND Lloyd is still

going at it in the passenger seat.

HARRY

What are you, a goddamn camel?

LLOYD

Hey, I haven't gone all day.

Just then they hear a LOUDSPEAKER:

STATE TROOPER

(o.s.)

Pull over!

They turn to see the POLICE MOTORCYCLE cruising right beside then. Harry rolls down his

window and CALLS OUT:

HARRY

Huh?

STATE TROOPER

PULL OVER!

Harry glances down at his sweater he's wearing, then back at the Trooper.

HARRY

(calling out)

No, it's a Cardigan! But thanks for

noticing!

He rolls his window back up and turns to an equally baffled Lloyd.

HARRY (CONT.)

Jesus, what is this, the fashion

police?

The Cop turns on his SIREN.

STATE TROOPER

PULL YOUR CAR TO THE SIDE OF THE

ROAD!

CUT TO:

EXT. HIGHWAY - LATE DAY

The STATE TROOPER is walking up beside the stopped Mutt Cutts van, staring at it with

disapproval.

STATE TROOPER

License and registration, please.

Harry hands him the papers.

STATE TROOPER (CONT.)

You know, you fellas were all over

the road back there.

HARRY

Yes, sir, we had a little?

difficulty in the car.

STATE TROOPER

Uh-huh.

(beat)

Have you boys been doing a little

drinking maybe?

HARRY

No, sir.

STATE TROOPER

Then what's that?

He points to the OPEN, FULL BEER BOTTLES hidden in the seat between them.

HARRY

Oh, that's nothing, sir.

STATE TROOPER

Do you know it's against the law to

drive with an open alcohol container

in this state?

LLOYD

But, your honor, he's telling the

truth. It's not beer.

The officer smirks.

STATE TROOPER

Is that right?

The Trooper reaches in and picks up one of the bottles. He inspects the beer label, then MOVES

THE BOTTLE TO HIS LIPS.

HARRY

Sir, I wouldn't ?

STATE TROOPER

--You'd keep your mouth shut if you

knew what was good for you.

LLOYD

(under breath)

You would, too?

Harry shoots Lloyd a look as the Trooper begins GULPING down the piss. He pauses uncertainly

and a SICK LOOK COMES OVER HIS FACE. He takes a DEEP BREATH. Then:

STATE TROOPER

(pained)

Get the hell out of here.

CUT TO:

The Mutt Cutts van is pulling back onto the highway while the officer remains in the breakdown

lane with his hands on his knees.

CUT TO:

EXT. HIGHWAY - NIGHT

The van is making steady progress through the dark night.