DROP DEAD GORGEOUS
FADE IN:
EXT. COUNTRY ROAD - MINNESOTA - DAY
Vintage black and white stock footage of some farms and
farmhouses.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. COUNTRY ROAD - DAY
Color footage of cotton fields passing by. We FREEZE and
FADE TO BLACK.
TITLE WIPES IN:
1995 MARKED THE FIFTIETH ANNIVERSARY
OF THE NATION'S OLDEST BEAUTY CONTEST...
THE SARAH ROSE COSMETICS AMERICAN TEEN PRINCESS PAGEANT
A DOCUMENTARY FILM CREW WAS SENT TO
A SMALL TOWN IN MINNESOTA
TO COMMEMORATE THIS OCCASSION.
INT. PAGEANT AUDITORIUM - MOUNT ROSE - DAY
Vintage blue-toned stock footage of a teenage beauty
pageant contestant. LEGS WIPE IN.
MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER
(O.S.)
Sarah Rose knows you're a beautiful
person....
Blue-toned stock footage of a long row of beauty pageant
contestants on stage.
MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (cont'd)
Sarah Rose knows you have an unusual
talent. Sarah Rose knows you're a
teenage girl.
Blue-toned stock footage of the row of contestants
parading down some steps from the stage as CAMERA TILTS
DOWN.
MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (cont'd)
Mmm, and she definitely knows that you
are ready for the ultimate teen
glamour.
ROUSING PATRIOTIC MUSIC. FAST PACED CUTS feature SMILING
TEENAGE CONTESTANTS dancing and waving American flags.
APPLAUSE!
MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER
(cont'd)
The American Teen Princess Pageant.
Each contestant wears a BANNER ACROSS her dress reading:
AMERICAN TEEN PRINCESS.
MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (cont'd)
And now, a few words...
ANGLE ON
Contestants DROP, ROLL and form a STAR. CHEERS!
MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (cont'd)
...from last year's host, Mr. Adam
West.
ADAM WEST
The American Teen Princess Pageant has
been enriching the lives of American-
made girls since 1945.
TITLES FADE ON SCREEN: Adam West, TV's Batman, then FADE
OUT.
ADAM WEST (cont'd)
The American Teen Princess Pageant
provides personal growth, scholarship,
travel, and you...
Numerous contestants stand up in SHOT and SURROUND ADAM.
ADAM WEST (cont'd)
...might even meet a few celebrities.
At the national level, thousands of
seventeen year-old girls like
yourselves. and compete around the
country in places like:
MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER
(O.S.)
Beautiful Mount Rose, Minnesota.
ADAM WEST
And make it all the way here to
Lincoln, Alabama, to compete for the
title of American Teen Princess.
LIGHTS come UP on the teenaged girls in the pageant as
they pause. As they WAVE AMERICAN FLAGS. Adam West
turns back to the camera.
ADAM WEST (cont'd)
And now, a few words from last year's
host, Mr. Adam West.
Contestants strike a pose around him. THUNDEROUS CANNED
APPLAUSE!
ADAM WEST (cont'd)
(pointing to camera)
So, which one of you will it b--
SCREEN SUDDENLY STATIC.
INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - DAY
SCENE from "DAYS OF OUR LIVES"
PULL BACK to reveal the VIDEO is on a TV in front of a
GROUP OF SEVENTEEN YEAR-OLD GIRLS, sitting in gym
bleachers.
[NOTE: The film is shot documentary style. PEOPLE ARE
REAL. Their lives revolve around this pageant. All
speak with a THICK MINNESOTA ACCENT.]
THREE "CIVIL SERVETTES," the local women's group.
[Picture unattractive Stepford Wives in matching
windbreakers] stand beside GLADYS LEEMAN, 34, president.
She STOPS THE VIDEO.
GLADYS LEEMAN
Good God, Iris, you taped your shows
over it.
IRIS
Sorry.
Gladys turns to the GIRLS in the bleachers.
SUPER: MOUNT ROSE, MINNESOTA POPULATION: 5,076
GLADYS LEEMAN
Now ladies, the rest of the tape -
which is now gone forever - goes on
about startin' this great American
journey we call American Teen
Princess...Yah-so, any of you young
ladies who'd like to start on that
journey, you just come right down here
and sign up. And please...help
yourselves to some coffee and bars...
SMASH EDIT TO:
Gladys seated with middle-aged women.
GLADYS
Showtime.
SUPER: GLADYS LEEMAN, LOCAL CHAIRMAN, PAGEANT ORGANIZING
COMMITTEE.
DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.)
Do you think that most people would
say that teenage beauty pageants are a
good idea?
GLADYS
Oh yah-sure, I know what some of your
big city, no bra wearin', hairy-legged
women's libbers say, "Pageants are old-
fashioned" and, uh, and "demeaning" to
the girls --
IRIS
(jumping in)
What's sick is women dressin' like
men!
Civil Servettes stare at her a beat.
GLADYS
Uh... You betcha, Iris.
(quickly, back to camera)
Yah-I think yous boys'll find that
things are different here in Mount
Rose...
Civil Servettes AD-LIB AGREEMENT.
GLADYS (cont'd)
For one thing, y'know, we're God
fearin' folk - every last one of us...
Civil Servettes AD-LIB AGREEMENT.
GLADYS (cont'd)
You won't find a back room in our
video store...
Servettes AD-LIB "AMEN. YAH-YOU BETCHA." etc.
GLADYS (cont'd) (V.O.)
...that filth is better left in the
"Sin Cities."
IRIS
A.k.a. Minneapolis - St. Paul.
PULL AWAY from MINNEAPOLIS SKYLINE to COUNTRYSIDE.
EXT. QUAINT MAIN STREET
The camera drives down the street.
EXT. PICTURESQUE MIDDLE-CLASS NEIGHBORHOODS
The camera drives down the street.
EXT. SUBURBAN HOUSE
A HAPPY FAMILY raises the AMERICAN FLAG.
EXT. SUBURBAN DRIVEWAY
BURLY GUYS look up from washing a FORD TRUCK.
EXT. TRAILER PARK
Sign next to it reads: "Welcome to Mount Rose, Home of
Freda Klinghagen, Minnesota's Oldest Living Lutheran"
complete with a photo of the extremely old woman smiling
and waving.
EXT. CREW VAN
An ELDERLY COUPLE looks in the passenger window of the
van.
ELDERLY MAN (MAYOR)
Oh, yah-sure, Freda, yah. She was the
oldest livin' Lutheran. Now she's
dead as a doornail. It's them damn
Shriners who ain't taken that Goddamn
sign down yet - those lazy sons-a-
bitches...
I tells kem, I tells kem every goddamn
year, "Take the Goddamn Freda sign
down, you lazy sons-a-bitches!"
SUPER: MAYOR OF MOUNT ROSE
INT. GLADYS' VAN - DAY
Through the window a family waves to Gladys.
EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD - DAY
Two BOYS play basketball in the driveway of their home.
EXT. FRONT LAWN - DAY
SMALL CHILDREN in bathing suits play on a lawn. A boy
shoots his water pistol.
INT. LEEMAN STATION WAGON - AFTERNOON
Civil Servettes and crew are piled in. Gladys drives.
GLADYS
...Today's "To Do" list includes a
trip to the Mall of America. We need
outfits for the "Physical Fitness"
number --
IRIS
Nothin' too showy!
GLADYS
Y'betcha, Iris. We still need a third
judge and we need to think of a theme.
Servettes react with pleasure.
IRIS
Gladys -- Gladys! Look out!
A CAR SWERVES.
GLADYS
Oh, my!
(waving out window)
Hello, Father Donigan! Sidewalks,
sidewalks?
Iris mimes drinking, "glug, glug."
GLADYS (cont'd)
Iris, stop!
(to camera)
It's not his fault. The communal wine
just proves too temptin' for some of
them.
IRIS
That's why we Lutherans use grape
Koolaid for the blood of Christ.
EXT. MALL OF AMERICA
In the vast, already full parking lot, we see Gladys
Leeman's station wagon searching for a parking spot.
IRIS
Oh, there's a parking space over
there. Oh, no, that's just a compact.
Sorry.
GLADYS
You'd think they'd build the parking
lot of America to go with the Mall of
America!
Gladys pulls into a HANDICAPPED SPOT. Servettes and
CAMERA stand outside the car. Iris points at the sign.
IRIS
It's a two-hundred dollar fine!
GLADYS
I said I'd move if a cripple came.
Let's just run in the store and pick
out some outfits.
IRIS
All right, let's go.
EXT. MALL OF AMERICA PARKING LOT
Iris and another Servette start to get out of the car.
GLADYS
Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait!
Wait! I just thought of the theme.
Iris and the Servette stop.
IRIS
Oh! What is it?
GLADYS (cont'd)
"Proud...to be...an...American."
Servettes react with pleasure.
JUMP CUT TO:
INT. MOA PARKING LOT - MOMENTS LATER
DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.)
So what was the theme of the pageant
last year?
GLADYS
Last year? It was, "Buy American."
DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.)
And the year before that?
GLADYS
"U.S.A. is A-okay."
DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.)
Can you remember the theme of your
favorite pageant?
GLADYS
"Can I? I'm Amer-I-Can!" People ask
me where I get this. I don't know,
it's...maybe a gift from God or
somethin'.
INT. MOUNT ROSE HIGH - GYM - DAY
PAN DOWN row of EIGHT GIRLS signing up and eating bars.
SUPER: LOCAL PAGEANT REGISTRATION, MOUNT ROSE HIGH SCHOOL
ANGLE ON
LESLIE MILLER - sexy/peppy girl in CHEERLEADING UNIFORM.
LESLIE MILLER
...Hi.
(giggles)
I'm Leslie Miller. I'm signin' up
kcause-ah, y'know, I always watch
pageants on the TV and my boyfriend
thinks I'll win.
SUPER: CONTESTANT #3, LESLIE MILLER
She makes "gills" on the sides of her head with her
hands.
LESLIE MILLER (cont'd)
For my talent, I'm gonna be doing
the..
Two FOOTBALL PLAYERS interrupt: PAT, her boyfriend, and
BRETT, who smiles and gives a nod to Amber. Pat grabs
Leslie and kisses her hard.
LESLIE (cont'd)
Uh, Pat, I'm trying to tell themabout
my...Oh...
Hormones take over and they lock lips again. She wraps
her legs around him. He feels up her ass. They continue
groping as her Washington Monument slips off.
CUT TO:
Leslie waves and blows kisses while performing a
cheerleader chant.
LESLIE MILLER (cont'd)
Hi, Pat! Go, Muskies! Whoo!
INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM
AMBER ATKINS - naturally pretty blonde, sweet as sugar
pie, stares into camera like a deer caught in headlights.
AMBER ATKINS
(suddenly looking O.C.)
Hi, I-I'm Amber Atkins and, um, I'm
signin' up k'cause, ah, my two
favorite people in the world competed.
My mom and Diane Sawyer...Course I
hope I end up a little more like Diane
Sawyer than my mom...
She flashes a GRIN, we melt.
INT. FUNERAL HOME/EMBALMING ROOM - DAY
Amber tap-dances as she applies make-up to a MALE CORPSE.
SUPER: CONTESTANT #1, AMBER ATKINS
DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.)
Do you do any of the, uh, embalming?
AMBER
(laughing)
Oh, my God, no. Oh, God. I just do
the hair and makeup on the deceased.
EXT. ROAD - DAY
Amber tap dances at the side of the road as traffic
passes.
AMBER (V.O.)
I'm lucky I have an after-school job
where I can practice my talent.
EXT. MOA PARKING LOT - DAY
GLADYS
Oh, yeah, sure. You know, every
pageant is special, but this one is
extra-special to me. When I was
seventeen, I don't know if you know
this, but I was crowned Mount Rose's
American Teen Princess. And this
year...drum roll please, my lovely
daughter, Rebecca Ann Leeman is
competin'.
INT. HIGH SCHOOL
REBECCA LEEMAN stands in front of Amber and addresses the
camerman (O.S.).
BECKY
Is this my mark?
(it is)
Hi, I'm Rebecca Leeman. And I believe
this pageant is an important
experience for every young woman. It,
well, it teaches you what's really
important in life, and it has the
power to change you in ways you've
never dreamed of.
INT. GUN RANGE
Becky, in shooting goggles and ear muffs, FIRES a Glock-
17 9mm pistol with both hands. Sign on wall reads:
"Lutheran Sisterhood Gun Club." (See Iona in b.g. with
an arsenal of sniper weaponry.)
BECKY
(yelling over noise)
...What?! Klinghagen thinks it'll all
come down to me and Amber?
Becky stops firing and takes off her hear muffs.
BECKY (cont'd)
Well, you have to take everything Mrs.
Klinghagen says with a grain of salt.
Not all your Catholics go to communion
for the wafers, if you know what I
mean...
JUMP CUT TO:
INT. LUTHERAN SISTERHOOD GUN RANGE - LATER
Becky thumbs bullets into her magazine as she talks.
BECKY
...Yah-my mom gave me this nine-mil
for my thirteenth birthday...
SUPER: CONTESTANT #6, BECKY LEEMAN
I'll always remember what she wrote in
the card. "Jesus loves winners."
That's why, no matter what I do...
She shoves the magazine back in her pistol.
BECKY (cont'd)
I aim to win.
She smiles to camera, then violently fires off a few
rounds. Zoom in on the MALE TARGET: several bullet holes
in the head.
INT. "NEW YORK, NEW YORK" BEDROOM - DAY
It's all NEW YORK MEMORABILIA. Lisa Swenson - big bubbly
girl - sits on her bed.
LISA
Why? Well, uh, it's kind of like
askin', "Why do all the guys chew
Copenhagen?" You know? I mean, if
you're seventeen and you're not a
total fry, it's just what you do.
ETHEL MERMAN's "Everything's Coming Up Roses" PLAYS over
speakers.
SUPER: CONTESTANT #7, LISA SWENSON
DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.)
Have you decided what your talent is
going to be yet?
LISA
I'm gonna sing and dance to, "New
York, New York." See, I fell in love
with The Big Apple last summer when I
was visitin' my brother. He followed
his dream to New York.
PICKS UP 8x10's, shows to camera.
LISA (cont'd)
This is Peter as Liza. This is him as
Madonna. Oh, here's me with him as
Barbara...
INT. "GERMAN SHEPHERD" BEDROOM - DAY
TESS WEINHAUS, wearing an "I love German Shepherds" t-
shirt. The room is filled with German Shepherd
paraphernalia.
TESS
Uh... I don't know what my talent's
gonna be yet...
SUPER: CONTESTANT #3, TESS WEINHAUS
TESS (cont'd)
Kenny. Kenny, come. Come, Kenny.
A DACHSHUND enters and jumps on her lap.
TESS (cont'd)
This is Kenny. Spike, my German
Shepherd, went to live with a nice
family on a farm after he attacked me.
It wasn't his fault. I had beef jerky
in my front pocket.
(pulling up shirt)
They re-made my belly with skin from
my butt.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. SCHOOL LIBRARY - DAY
IONA HILDERBRANDT - librarian, 65+ - stamps books.
SUPER: IONA HILDERBRANDT, MOUNT ROSE AMERICAN TEEN
PRINCESS - 1945
IONA HILDERBRANTDT
(smoked for sixty years)
I was Mount Rose American Teen
Princess in 1945. We were at war with
the Japs.
ANGLE ON
A vintage B&W photograph of 18-year-old IONA
HILDERBRANDT, looking surprised with hands on cheeks, is
being crowned MOUNT ROSE AMERICAN TEEN PRINCESS by TWO
SOLDIERS on a GYM STAGE.
YOUNG IONA, wearing TIARA, stands with SOLDIERS and WAR
OFFICIALS beside a boiling pot of metal.
IONA HILDERBRANTDT (V.O.)
(cont'd)
I didn't even get to keep my damn
tiara.
Iona's about to drop her tiara into a recycling bin.
IONA HILDERBRANTDT (cont'd)
Had to turn it in for scrap.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. MOLLY HOWARD'S LIVING ROOM
MOLLY HOWARD, a large white girl, sits between a JAPANESE
COUPLE, Mr. and Mrs. HOWARD.
SUPER: CONTESTANT #5, MOLLY HOWARD
MR. HOWARD
(heavy accent)
... So we adopt Molly three year ago
when we come to America, to help
acclimate us to American.
MOLLY
(smiling)
To America, Dad.
Mr. Howard laughs.
MRS. HOWARD
She all-American girl. She our
American Teen Princess girl.
MOLLY
Oh, Mom...
The Howard's biological daughter (they renamed her
"TINA") ENTERS FRAME. Although she's the picture of
beauty, grace, talent and charm, she represents their old
life.
TINA
(in Japanese)
Excuse me, Father, Mother, when are we
moving back to Tokyo? I can't stand
this place anymore. They put butter
on everything.
MR. HOWARD
(turning, suddenly angry)
English! English, you stupid little
retard! We America now, Tina!
TINA
(perfect English)
I'm sorry, Dad, but with all due
respect, my name isn't "Tina," it's
Seiko.
MR. HOWARD
Tina! Tina!! TINA!!!
MRS. HOWARD
"Robert," settle down.
MR. HOWARD
(screaming)
AHHHHHH!
Mr. Howard suddenly grabs his chest.
JUMP CUT TO:
INT. MOLLY HOWARD'S LIVING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER
Same scene. Mr. Howard is gone.
TINA
Mom, I just finished the third
movement of that concerto I was
working on. I put, like, this techno
beat on this Japanese folk tune -
wanna hear it?
MR. HOWARD
(running down the hall)
No! We not like to hear it! Go to
your room and shut up!
TINA
Oh, I almost forgot...
(removing envelope from
pocket)
I got my acceptance to Tokyo
University.
MR. HOWARD
What, you deaf? I say shut up-shut up-
SHUT UP!
(coming at camera)
Cut her outta this!
JUMP CUT TO:
INT. MOLLY HOWARD'S LIVING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER
Same scene on couch.
MR. HOWARD
Now Molly, tell movie man what you
talent do.
MOLLY
I'll be line dancin'.
MR. HOWARD
(giving thumbs up)
Country western!
MRS. HOWARD
Clint Black! Ruff!
MR. HOWARD
Hey, what he got I not got?
They all laugh.
INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - STAGE
CLOSE ON Michelle Johanson's face.
MICHELLE
... Yah-I'll be performing a dramatic
monologue.
SUPER: CONTESTANT #2, MICHELLE JOHANSON
MICHELLE (cont'd)
Right now, I'm thinkin' "Othello"
or...
"Soylent Green." Lots of girls make a
smooth transition from pageants into
actin', y'know.
SMASH CUT TO:
LOCAL TV COMMERCIAL (VIDEO)
CONNIE, mid-30's, Midwestern attractive, wearing a sash
and tiara, stands in front of a BLUE SCREEN of a FOREST.
CONNIE
Competin' for the title of Minnesota's
American Teen Princess sure was
excitin'. But, I never coulda won
without my...
PULL BACK to reveal a table full of PORK PRODUCTS.
CONNIE (cont'd)
St. Paul Pork Products!
LOCAL TV COMMERCIAL (VIDEO)
SCREEN CHANGES to OUTSIDE FACTORY/STOCK YARDS. Connie
now wears a coat and hat and acts as if it's chilly.
CONNIE (cont'd)
I've been enjoyin' St. Paul Pork
Products for years. I grew up right
next to these stock yards.
SCREEN CHANGES to VIDEO of a SLAUGHTER LINE. PIG
CARCASSES move on hooks. Connie wears a hard hat and
blood stained butcher's apron.
CONNIE (cont'd)
It's still the same family-run
business that Walter and Vera Polarski
started in 1920 when they raised and
slaughtered their first pig.
Connie grabs a HOT DOG from O.C. and takes a bite.
CONNIE (cont'd)
Mmm-mmmm. I just love St. Paul Pork
Products. In fact, I love kem so much
LOCAL TV COMMERCIAL (VIDEO)
SLIDE CHANGES to VIDEO of the SAUSAGE LINE. Workers
stuff sausages. Connie wears a white jumpsuit and
hairnet.
CONNIE (cont'd)
I work here now!
INT. BETZ LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
MRS. BETZ, a large woman, holds a tray of bars. CREW
MEMBERS REACH IN THE SHOT and help themselves. JANELLE
BETZ sits on the couch, SIGNING EVERYTHING she says.
JANELLE
(slow, due to signing)
...My talent will be an interpretive
dance while I sing, "Through the Eyes
of Love." I have a dream of spreadin'
sign language around the world... Mom?
Would you be so kind?
SUPER: CONTESTANT #8, JANELLE BETZ
JANELLE (cont'd)
Yeah. Well, see, uh, I have a dream
of spreading sign language around the
world.
(to Mrs. Betz)
Mom, would you be so kind.
Mrs. Betz quickly puts down the bars and goes to the
piano where she starts "Through the Eyes of Love."
Janelle begins to gesticulate and sign words in an overly
dramatic performance that looks like a bizarre seizure.
SOUND occasionally DIPS OUT as the BOOM OPERATOR reaches
for bars.
INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - LATER
TAMMY CURRY - a cute, jock-type. She wears a LETTER
JACKET, covered with VARSITY SPORTS PATCHES.
TAMMY CURRY
Tammy Curry. I'm signin' up for the
scholarship'n'all.
SMASH CUT TO:
INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM
She POINTS to VARIOUS PATCHES on her LETTER JACKET.
TAMMY CURRY (cont'd)
...This one's for Varsity Soccer, uh,
I'm captain.
(pointing)
I run track, and, uh...
(points to small gun patch)
Right here, I'm the new President of
the Lutheran Sisterhood Gun Club...
ANGLE ON
LSGC PRESIDENT logo patch.
TAMMY CURRY (cont'd) (O.S.)
I love that one.
EXT. FARM FIELD
Shot from crew van. Sun is setting behind a lovely field
of green. A John Deere Thresher travels across the
burning red horizon.
DOCUMENTARIAN (V.O.)
Would you say you have a good chance
to win this pageant?
SUPER: CONTESTANT #9, TAMMY CURRY
TAMMY (V.O.)
Yeah, you bet I do. I mean, maybe
other people think I can't win a
beauty pageant. But other people
didn't think I could beat out Becky
Leeman for President of the gun club,
either. And I did. I-I-It's just
like Anthony Robbins says, "I'm a
winner. Nobody can stop me but me!"
KABLOOM! Tammy's John Deere thresher BLOWS UP!
INT. LUTHERAN CHURCH BASEMENT - KITCHEN AREA - NIGHT
CLOSE ON framed school photo of Tammy Curry. PULL BACK
to see her letter jacket - scorched and torn (Lutheran
Gun Club patch is MISSING) - and flowers. CONTINUE
PULLING BACK to reveal both are surrounded by buns, bars
and coffee on a long buffet table. A line of somber and
repressed Lutherans help themselves to the food.
Servettes stand at the ready. Gladys and Iris face the
camera.
GLADYS
Well, you know, I think everyone's
doing really well considering the fact
that she was so young.
IRIS
It's always hard to see the young ones
called home, especially on an
exploding thresher. It's just so odd
and gross.
GLADYS
You know that sometimes it's hard to
understand God's great plan.
IRIS
Yeah.
Iris pats Gladys on the shoulder.
FEMALE MOURNER #1
May I have a tissue?
GLADYS
But the show must go on.
(she faces Iris)
I gotta get a hold of Ted and ask him
if we can use that barn light as a
spot again. So you watch the Jell-o
salad, okay?
IRIS
All right. Okay.
INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - LATER
It's smokey as hell. THREE "FRY" GIRLS and a PREGNANT
"FRY" GIRL - all with "shelf bangs" - smoke and drink.
FRY GIRL #1
...Oh, yeah-right. I ain't gonna be
in no goddamn pageant! Look what
happened to that dork-ass farm girl.
PREGNANT FRY GIRL (O.C.)
Tammy Curry?
FRY GIRL #1
Yah-yah. Everyone says this is a big
accident? She got iced because she
wins everything, and this time someone
didn't want her to win.
PREGNANT FRY GIRL
This pageant's like a roach motel.
FRY GIRL #1
Girls check in, but they don't check
out.
PREGNANT FRY GIRL
Yeah. And they say smokin' is bad for
your health.
FRY GIRL #1
(raising cigarette into
frame)
Yeah.
EXT. OLD TWO STORY HOUSE - ESTABLISHING - DAY
SIGN painted on GARAGE DOOR: "Dance Studio, Downstairs
past the Laundry Room."
CAMERA moves DOWNSTAIRS to converted basement. LISA
SWENSON and two other large "ballerinas" practice at a
2x4/ballet barre. MOZART plays in the b.g. CHLORIS
KLINGHAGEN watches and smokes. (Picture Betty Davis in
her final days.)
CHLORIS
And tendu. Close. Tendu. Close.
Tendu. Close. Plie. And repeat.
Suck in the belly, girls, and tuck in
the tushes!
SUPER: CHLORIS KLINGHAGEN, CHOREOGRAPHER
CHLORIS (cont'd)
Close those legs! You look like a
bunch of bowlegged cows! Other side.
And...tendu. Close. Tendu. Close.
Tendu. Close. Plie.
CUT TO:
Chloris smokes and talks to camera. "Ballerinas"
practice.
CHLORIS (cont'd)
Yeah, you boys sure picked a good
year. If I was a betting woman, and
there was a line on this in Vegas, I'd
lay down ten-to-one that it all comes
down to Amber Atkins and Becky Leeman.
Oh, sweet Jesus, what a showdown this
could be if Cain and Abel...
The SOUND RECORDIST enters and Lisa spins out of control,
taking him out. She leans over and comforts him.
LISA
Ow! Oh, God. It's so em-so
embarrassing.
EST. SHOT - "DAKOTA COUNTY EATING DISORDERS CLINIC" - DAY
MARY (V.O.)
(labored breaths)
My winning...the Mount Rose...
INT. PATIENT'S ROOM - DAY
SMILING ANOREXIC GIRL sits in bed - a TIARA in what's
left of her hair and a SASH over her hospital gown.
MARY
...American Teen Princess Pageant...
SUPER: MARY JOHANSON, REIGNING MOUNT ROSE AMERICAN TEEN
PRINCESS
MARY (cont'd)
...really changed my life.
The TIARA SLIPS OFF her BALDING HEAD and rolls to the
floor.
INT. DAKOTA COUNTY EATING DISORDERS CLINIC - MARY'S ROOM
Amber fixes Mary's hair, carefully brushing her balding
head. Mary smiles, oblivious.
MARY
(labored breaths)
...Amber does my hair...once a week.
AMBER
(flattered and embarrassed)
Well...it's the least I can do for the
reigning Mount Rose Junior Miss Amer--
Amber pulls the brush away with a clump of Mary's hair
dangling from it.
AMBER (cont'd)
Oh God...
MARY
What?
AMBER
Huh? Oh...Uh, just a little snarl...
Amber mouths, "Shhh! Don't tell!" to camera as she tries
to pull the clump of hair from the brush.
JUMP CUT TO:
INT. DAKOTA COUNTY EATING DISORDERS CLINIC - MARY'S ROOM
Amber ties the tiara and missing clump of hair to Mary's
head with a ribbon.
AMBER
There we go.
She holds the mirror for Mary.
MARY
(delusional)
Beautiful... Maybe next week... a
perm.
AMBER
Yah... sure...
Amber gives a kind but worried smile to camera.
Suddenly, Becky Leeman enters with a large box of
chocolates. She's fully aware of the cameras from the
moment she enters.
BECKY
Hellooo, Little Mary Sunshine!
(pretending to notice camera)
What?! Oh-oh my God! Lights!
Camera! And me without a stitch of
make-up on. What are you guys doin'
here?
She's in full make-up.
AMBER
What're you doin' here?
BECKY
Oh, Amber, like you're the only one
who visits Mary.
MARY
(to Becky)
Who are you?
BECKY
(covering)
"Who are you?!" Oh Mary, you kill me.
(to camera)
She always says that. It's a little
game we play. Every week - same dippy
little look on her face. "Who are you
- who are you?" Just like that.
(in Mary's face)
It's me - Becky - and I brought your
favorites.
Becky puts the chocolates on Mary's lap, a few spill.
Throughout the following, Mary slowly reaches for them as
if they're forbidden fruit and she's a very hungry Eve.
AMBER
How nice, Becky, she's anorexic.
Becky roughly puts her hands over Mary's ears, who's now
gently petting the spilled chocolates in her lap.
BECKY
(sotto, reprimanding tone)
She's skinny, not deaf, Amber.
EXT. TRAILER - LATE AFTERNOON
MONTAGE - Amber taps around the mobile home community,
HOME FROM SCHOOL - backpack, Walkman, cool music blaring.
INT. TRAILER - AMBER'S BEDROOM - MOMENTS LATER
Amber stands in a room the SIZE OF A CLOSET. Posters,
articles and pictures of great tap dancers and Diane
Sawyer cover the walls.
AMBER
... Dreams? Yah-sure I got kem...
Sometimes I dream of winnin'... I
dream of gettin' outta Mount Rose and
bein' a big time reporter like Diane
Sawyer. I mean, guys get outta Mount
Rose all the time for hockey
scholarships or prison. But the
pageant's kinda my only chance.
INT. TRAILER - AMBER'S BEDROOM - MOMENTS LATER
Amber points to LARGE PAGEANT PHOTO OF DIANE SAWYER -
1963
AMBER
... Yah-1963. Her beauty worked
against her when she started as a
reporter in Louisville, her hometown.
Those were different times.
ANNETTE (O.S.)
(yelling, coughing)
Hey, Amber, y'get my smokes?
AMBER
(smiling)
That's my mom.
(yelling)
I'll get kem in a sec.
ANNETTE ATKINS, Amber's mom - sexy, but tired - OPENS THE
DOOR.
ANNETTE
(surprised by cameras)
Oh shit!
AMBER
They're from L.A. They wanted to see
my room and film me for their movie.
ANNETTE
(mock-touched, to crew)
Oh... How quickly they grow up.
(exiting, smiling)
Hey, if they ask you to take off your
shirt, get the money first.
Annette is gone.
ANNETTE (cont'd) (O.S.)
And go get my smokes!
JUMP CUT TO:
EST. SHOT - LEEMAN FAMILY HOME - DAY
Landscaped grounds surround this lovely two-story.
INT. LEEMAN HOME - VARIOUS ROOMS
Brief "LIFESTYLES OF THE RICH & FAMOUS" montage of Gladys
showing off interiors to the theme from "GONE WITH THE
WIND."
INT. LEEMAN HOME - LIVING ROOM - DAY
It looks like a Levitz showroom. Gladys sits stiffly
between Becky and her husband, LESTER - mid-60's, gruff,
"old school" salesman, drink in hand.
LESTER
...You betcha. S'posed to be colder-n-
a witches tit tonight...
GLADYS
(nervous laugh)
Oh, Lester. He loves his weather,
y'know.
LESTER
(looking to crew, O.S.)
Hey, ya like it? Open it...Yah-the
globe. Pull at the equator there.
GLADYS
We're not in the showroom, Dear.
Banging and fumbling. A CORKSCREW flies into shot - CREW
GUY quickly ENTERS SHOT and grabs it.
LESTER
Fits three full-size booze bottles.
The cassette deck pulls outta
Afghanistan, there.
BECKY
(embarrassed)
Mommm...
GLADYS
Lester?
LESTER
Oh, all right
(to camera)
How soon they forget where all this
comes from.
BECKY
Japan.
LESTER
That's enough, young lady.
JUMP CUT TO:
INT. LEEMAN HOME - LIVING ROOM - LATER
GLADYS
"Impartial?" Outside this house I'm
Gladys Leeman, President, Civil
Servettes - impartial as the day is
long. But we're inside my home now
and I've gotta warn you, I'm wearin'
my "wife apron" and "mom hat." So, I
can safely say that I'm the mother of
the most talented contestant Mount
Rose has ever seen.
JUMP CUT TO:
INT. LEEMAN HOME - LIVING ROOM - LATER
Lester's gone from the couch.
GLADYS
I'll field that one - Rebecca's saving
her voice.
Becky smiles admiringly at Gladys.
GLADYS (cont'd)
You-betcha, Rebecca's ready. She's
been singin' and dancin' since she was
knee high to a pig's eye.
Lester returns to the couch, large drink in hand.
LESTER
Yah-she's damn near as good as that
little black fella - with the glass
eye.
GLADYS
Sammy Davis, Jr., honey.
LESTER
Yeah, yeah, the Jew.
BECKY
Nice one, Dad. He's dead.
INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM
Same scene. BOYS' WRESTLING TEAM - tight singlets - runs
laps around gym - between Servettes and camera.
GLADYS
...Yah-then, for the "Judges
Interview," each girl has a ten minute
get-together with the judges before
the pageant...
Gladys is distracted by the HARD, YOUNG bodies. All are.
GLADYS
Yes, the Judges Interview.. Each girl
has a ten minute get-together with the
judges prior to the pageant. Then we
have the...
A HUNKY WRESTLER, TONY, waves.
GLADYS (cont'd)
Hello, Tony.
TONY
Hey.
GLADYS
"Hey" to the folks.
TONY
Yeah, all right.
IRIS
The Judges Interview.
EXT. DRUGSTORE - MAIN STREET - DAY
JOHN DOUGH - pharmacist, 30-ish, thin, nervous - chain
smokes outside the drugstore.
SUPER: JUDGE #1, JOHN DOUGH
DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.)
So you've, uh, you've judged a lot of
pageants over the years?
JOHN
Nope. No. Uh-uh. Never judged a
pageant before in my life. Nope. No
way. Never around young girls. Even
if I was, why would I wanna be,
y'know? I-I-I don't get off on that
kinda thing and that's really why
you're askin', right? S-someone say
somethin'?
EXT. HAROLD'S HARDWARE HANK - MAIN STREET - DAY
HAROLD - owner, late 40's - stands in front of this
grubby little store front with his MILDLY RETARDED
BROTHER, HANK, who SNIFFS and MUMBLES CONSTANTLY.
SUPER: JUDGE #2, HAROLD VILMES
DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.)
Do you judge the pageant every year?
HAROLD
...Nope. Never judged nothin' afore --
HANK
(pointing at camera)
Are we on "Cops?" Are we on "Cops?"
Are we on "Cops?"
HAROLD
Shut up, Hank. This here's business.
Harold CUFFS Hank.
HANK
Ow, Harold - Mom said not the head.
HAROLD
Well, Mom's dead, so shut your fly
trap.
HANK
I will if you shut your piehole.
HAROLD
Don't make me kick-ya where the good
Lord split-ya.
Harold raises his hand, Hank FLINCHES and
EXT. HAROLD'S HARDWARE HANK - LATER
DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.)
So are you excited?
HAROLD
...Oh you betcha! We're happier than
the day Hanky got acquitted. I get
made a judge, then the furniture store
hires us to paint the whole damn
thing.
(removing cap)
We're gonna use the money to get our
mamma a proper headstone. Oh, and
move her out to the cemetery.
Suddenly, Hank runs full speed into the window. BAM! He
falls to the ground inside.
INT. LEEMAN FURNITURE SHOWROOM - DAY
Follow Lester around cheesy room displays. JEAN KANGAS,
his meek, middle-aged secretary follows him everywhere.
Lester CALLS OUT to a YOUNG COUPLE sitting in a dining
room.
LESTER
Hey Tim, Carla - if yous kids don't
try to Jew me down none, I'll throw in
a matchin' hutch.
The COUPLE smiles excitedly.
LESTER (cont'd)
(to camera)
See, that there's my specialty. Don't
pay me less and I'll give ya more.
(sotto)
Secret is, the hutch is included in
the price. Ain't that right, Jean?
Lester smacks Jean on the ass.
SUPER: JUDGE #3, JEAN KANGAS.
LESTER (cont'd)
Take a memo, sweetheart.
EXT. CHLORIS KLINHAGEN HOUSE - GARAGE DOOR
REHEARSAL MONTAGE BEGINS OVER MUSIC.
Contestants run out the side door as if running on stage.
Tess Weinhaus trips and falls, causing a chain reaction.
EXT. CHLORIS KLINHAGEN HOUSE - GARAGE DOOR - LATER
Now contestants run out carrying small wooden step
ladders. As they reach the CHORUS LINE, they set the
ladder down and LEAP FROG over.
SUPER: FIRST DANCE REHEARSAL - 1 WEEK BEFORE PAGEANT
CHLORIS
Four, five, six, seven. And one.
Tess runs out, sets her ladder down, jumps and hits mid-
crotch. She then slides painfully down to the ground.
CHLORIS (cont'd)
Put that chair away! Get it! Come
on! Get it!
Amber TWIRLS perfectly.
CHLORIS (cont'd)
All right. Let's got. Let's go.
EXT. CHLORIS KLINHAGEN HOUSE - SIDEWALK - CONTINUOUS
PAN ACROSS NEIGHBORS' sitting in lawn chairs, enjoying
the music and the show. END ON JOHN DOUGH, leaning
against his car, smoking and holding a video camera at
his side.
EXT. CHLORIS KLINHAGEN'S HOUSE - FRONT LAWN
PAN DOWN row doing a seated chorus line on ladders. Most
suck. Amber and Becky look great. Tess sits on the
grass with a bag of ice on her crotch.
EXT. CHLORIS KLINGHAGEN HOUSE - SIDEWALK
On John Dough, beside his car.
JOHN
I'm just out here watching the young
girls - contestants - like the rest of
my friends and neighbors...
John quickly turns and starts to pry the hood open.
ANGLE ON
Pat and Brett watch the girls. Pat admires Amber's
moves.
PAT
(re: Amber)
Are you gettin' her? Uh, the third
one, the blonde one.
BRETT
Hey.
PAT
See? Right over there. Right over
there.
Brett slaps Pat on the back.
BRETT
Leave him alone, leave him alone.
It's okay.
EXT. CHLORIS KLINHAGEN'S HOUSE - FRONT LAWN
John, his car hood open, is caught aiming his video
camera at the girls performing a dance. They wear
partially constructed U.S. Monument Headdresses.
JOHN
Oh, this is just a...camera. I keep
it in the glove compartment for car
accidents. Insurance... You guys got
a camera and no one's accusin' you of
anything, right?
INT. HIGH SCHOOL - KITCHEN
Move through kitchen. LUNCH LADIES haul, serve and
prepare food. Pan over to Amber, who's unhappily
scraping and spraying lunch trays as they're dropped off
at her window. Becky, flirting her ass off, comes to the
window with Brett, handsome football player we saw
before. Both carry trays.
BECKY
So, Brett, do you wanna go to the lake
with me on Thursday?
BRETT
Um, actually, I got practice on
Thursday.
BECKY
...Yah-well, maybe Friday, then. A
bunch of us were gonna go cow-tippin'.
SUPER: BRETT CLEMMENS, CAPTAIN, MOUNT ROSE HIGH SCHOOL
FOOTBALL TEAM
BRETT
(seeing Amber)
Uh, I-uh-I'm kinda busy Friday.
Amber looks up to see Brett looking at her. He smiles.
She smiles. You can feel the attraction. Amber becomes
girlishly self-conscious -- adjusting her rubber apron
and brushing hair out of her eyes with her big rubber
gloves.
BRETT (cont'd)
(to Amber)
Hi...
AMBER
Hi.
Becky notices their attraction and goes from flirt to
uber-bitch in a heartbeat.
BECKY
Giver her your tray, Brett. You're
holdin' up the line.
Brett looks at Beck, then at Amber, not wanting to make
her clean his tray.
BRETT
Uh...
BECKY
Give it to her!
AMBER
Here, I'll take it. It's my job.
BRETT
NO...
(looking at Becky)
It's all right. I got it. Don't
worry about it.
He takes the sprayer from a surprised Amber and starts to
clean off his own tray. Becky can't believe his
defiance.
AMBER
Well, you're supposed to put it in
the...
Becky THROWS her tray on the counter spraying Amber with
food as she storms off.
BRETT (cont'd)
Oh man, you got leutefisk in your
hair.
AMBER
Then it must be Wednesday.
INT. HIGH SCHOOL LIBRARY
Same scene as "funeral bun" explanation.
IONA
Leutefisk is Cod Fish that's been
salted and soaked in lye for a week or
so. It's best with lots-a butter.
INT. HIGH SCHOOL - KITCHEN
Same scene. Brett removes the offending leutefisk.
BRETT
So, uh, I-I'm not really busy Friday.
I just said that - y'know.
AMBER
I know.
BRETT
So if, uh, you wanted to do
somethin'...
AMBER
AMBER/BRETT
Huntin' season.
Shocked at the coincidence, they share a laugh.
BRETT
Well, uh, I'm cuttin' out early today
to do a little duck huntin'...but, uh,
maybe I could call you tonight.
AMBER
Yah-sure, fine...fine.
BRETT
Okay...well, bye.
AMBER
Bye.
Amber smiles, gives a shy little wave - then, to camera.
AMBER (cont'd)
Oh, God - you don't think Becky saw
you guys, do you?
(nervously looking around)
Look, you just shouldn't be in here...
DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.)
It's okay. Doreen gave us hair nets.
AMBER
No, listen.
(whispering as she exits)
We shouldn't talk here. Stop by my
house tonight, okay?
She looks around and motions them to rush off.
EXT. HIGHWAY NEAR TRAILER PARK - EVENING
From the CREW VAN we pass the crappy trailer homes that
are off the Highway. (Patsy Cline's "King Of The Road"
PLAYS on the radio).
EXT./INT. ATKINS TRAILER - EVENING
Camera approaches the trailer. SIGN on the door reads
"Annette's Family Hair Care."
Inside, the kitchen has been turned into a mini hair
salon. Annette gives Loretta, neighbor, mid-50's - a
bouffant.
LORETTA
What do you mean, they take out her
butt?
ANNETTE
(seeing camera in window)
Oh, Jesus H. Christ!
LORETTA
Are we on "Cops" again?
ANNETTE
You could be quiet.
LORETTA
Hi.
ANNETTE
Hi.
JUMP CUT TO:
INT. ATKINS TRAILER - MOMENTS LATER
ANNETTE
It's just the guys that are...you
know, makin' the movie about the
pageant. I told you about kem.
LORETTA
Oh, naw. Hi.
ANNETTE
This here's Loretta.
LORETTA
I tell Annette, I says, "You talk to
me durin' my stories, you might as
well be talkin' to the wall."
(then)
You guys want a beer?
DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.)
No, thank you. Is Amber here?
ANNETTE
No. You just missed her. Amber got
called in to the bone gardens tonight.
You just missed her. She's in a
helluva mood today, anyways.
LORETTA
Say, yous boys been to the Leeman's?
ANNETTE
Loretta, shut it.
LORETTA
Y'know, if you have, you got all the
pictures of the winner you need.
ANNETTE
Shut it up, Loretta.
LORETTA
Oh, Christ, it's true.
Annette begins to comb out Loretta's hair.
LORETTA
(drinking beer)
Let's just say who should win, who
deserves to win is Amber.
ANNETTE
(mumbled to self)
Why don't you paint a big red target
on your ass, Loretta.
LORETTA
She's the prettiest, y'know. The best
damn tapper. The most smartest...
ANNETTE
"Most smartest?" Oh, that's good,
Loretta. Make sure you get a picture
of that. "Most smartest." We're
cuttin you off and sendin' you home.
Annette takes Loretta's beer, starts to push her out.
LORETTA
Well, excuse me, Annette, but I'm
braggin' up your kid, here.
(to crew)
Amber's gonna be the next Diane
Sawyer, y'know...
ANNETTE
I'll be right back. See ya later.
CAMERA follows Annette and Loretta.
ANNETTE (cont'd)
They're makin' a movie, here, goddamn
it.
LORETTA
All right, they're makin' a movie.
ANNETTE
You don't know where this is gonna...
LORETTA
I got a hairdo.
JUMP CUT TO:
EXT./INT. ATKINS TRAILER - EVENING
Loretta holds onto the door frame so Annette can't push
her out.
DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.)
What makes you think that Becky's
going to win?
LORETTA
Why do I think Becky'll win? You're
talkin'...
(to Annette)
Don't pinch!.
(back into camera)
You're talkin' kbout the richest
family in a small town. It's front
page news when one of kem takes a
shit.
(she laughs hard)
Can one of yous boys give me a ride
home?
ANNETTE
Don't fall for it. She lives two
trailers down.
LORETTA
So? Be real easy.
ANNETTE
Go on home, Loretta. Come on. Go on,
the party's over.
LORETTA
Anyone?
INT. LARSON FUNERAL HOME - HALLWAY - NIGHT
A small sign on the door reads: "EMBALMING - Please
Knock!"
PUSH INTO ROOM. Amber, back to us, frantically applies
blusher to an OLD WOMAN. Another BODY, covered with a
white sheet, is on the embalming slab. The top and brim
of a HUNTING CAP can be seen. She TURNS AROUND to see
the crew.
AMBER (cont'd)
(surprised)
Ahhh! Je-sus-Christ-on-a-cross!
(catching breath)
Look, number one rule in a funeral
home - never sneak up on the livin'.
You never know who could have an
embalming needle or skull saw in their
hand. Mr. Larson's son learned that
the hard way - he's buried next to my
Grandpa!
Amber turns to the slab to continue working. She pulls
off the SHEET to reveal BRETT, handsome football player,
still wearing his hunting plaid.
JUMP CUT TO:
INT. EMBALMING ROOM - LATER
DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.)
AMBER
(covering real emotions)
Upset about Brett? Nah. Hazard of
the trade. I don't really have time
for guys anyways. It's weird, though.
He took it right between the eyes.
Don't often see that.
EXT. GUN RANGE - DAY
Becky thumbs bullets into a 12-gauge pump shotgun.
DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.)
So you know, Brett just got shot in
the head.
BECKY
(cool as a cucumber)
He did? Well, huntin's
dangerous...So, anyways, my mom gave
me this 30-aught for my sixteenth
birthday...
INT. EMBALMING ROOM - LATER
Amber wipes her eyes when Mr. Larson bursts in.
MR. LARSON
Amber, I need Stella now!
SUPER: MR. LARSON, OWNER, LARSON FUNERAL PARLOR
MR. LARSON (cont'd)
The family's steamin' like a cow pie
in July. Said she didn't look nothin'
like the picture they gave you.
Amber turns from Brett and closes the coffin.
AMBER
Sorry. I just thought she might not
wanna meet her Maker lookin' like a
cheap whore.
MR. LARSON
Well, your "cheap whore" is this
family's "lovin' mother."
(pointing at Brett)
The Clemens said to make him look like
he just came from snowmobilin'. Pink
cheeks, and...
AMBER
(starting to mist up)
-- red nose and ears. I know, I know.
Mr. Larson PULLS Stella's coffin out.
INT. EMBALMING ROOM - LATER
An obviously upset Amber puts make-up on Brett.
AMBER
Sorry I couldn't talk today
kcause...I'm scared, okay?
(deep breath)
I open my locker right after first
period and there's a picture of Tammy
Curry taped inside.
JUMP CUT TO:
INT. EMBALMING ROOM - LATER
Amber holds up a snapshot of a SMILING GIRL on a
THRESHER.
AMBER
This was written on back.
She turns the picture over to reveal, "YOU'RE NEXT!"
EXT. MOUNT ROSE - STREET
TWIN OFFICERS lean against their car. One prepares to
pack some snuff.
TWIN OFFICER #1
Oh-yah, helluva way to go, there.
After some extensive investigation, we
figure the Curry girl musta been
drivin' and smokin' and KABLEWEY!
TWIN OFFICER #2
(holding a Skoal tin)
Not enough left of her to fill a tin.
He puts a pinch between his cheek and gum.
INT. EMBALMING ROOM - LATER
A visibly upset Amber still applies make-up to Brett.
AMBER
Yah-sure, Tammy liked to driver her
dad's thresher - she said the heavy
vibration helped her think, y'know?
But I know for a fact she only smoked
after a good drive. You ask me or
anyone else who isn't scared to talk
about it - Tammy was murdered.
(holding back tears)
God, I bet Diane Sawyer never had to
deal with crap like this...
(to crew guy)
Toss me "Caucasian #5," would ya?
A crew guy walks IN FRAME and hands her a make-up jar.
AMBER (cont'd)
Man, I can't wait for fishin'
season...
Mr. Larson bursts in, white as a corpse.
MR. LARSON
Amber...
AMBER
No, don't say it. Another stray
bullet to the head.
She adjusts Brett's red plaid hunting cap.
AMBER (cont'd)
I'm gonna need more caps.
MR. LARSON
You hafta go home. There's some kinda
emergency at the trailer park.
AMBER
Relax, that's my ma's code for, "Bring
home milk and a carton-a Luckys."
MR. LARSON
No. Loretta called. There's been
a... a fire.
She grabs the keys and RUNS OUT.
EXT. TRAILER PARK STREET/INT. HEARSE - NIGHT
Amber drives fast and furious as we come to what's left
of her trailer. All the NEIGHBORS are out drinkin'
beers, eatin' food and watchin' the excitement.
AMBER
Oh my God - no! Is my mom okay? Was
she home?
Hearse SCREECHES to a halt. We hear a THUD, then MOANS
from in back. Amber jumps out. Camera follows, a la
"COPS." It's pandemonium with fire trucks, neighbors, an
ambulance, etc.
AMBER (cont'd)
Mom! Mom!? MOMMMM!
Loretta runs up to Amber as TWO FIREMEN approach.
FIREMAN #1
You family?
LORETTA
No, she's just screamin' "Mom, Mom!"
kcause she's got Tourettes... She's
Annette's kid, dipshit.
AMBER
(to Loretta)
Is Mom okay?
LORETTA
She's alive, sweetie.
AMBER
Where is she?!
LORETTA
She's right over there.
Camera pans over to see a semi-conscious Annette as they
load her stretcher into the ambulance, shut the doors and
start to pull away. Amber runs after them.
AMBER
Mommmm! I'll be right behind you in
the hearse!
LORETTA
Don't let that worry you, Annette!
EST. SHOT - FARMINGTON MEMORIAL HOSPITAL - NIGHT
INT. HOSPITAL - ANNETTE'S ROOM
A DOCTOR, Amber and Loretta stand beside Annette, who's
got an I.V., bandages and her LEFT HAND wrapped and
ELEVATED.
DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.)
So, doctor, is this sort of an unusual
injury here?
DOCTOR
Oh you betcha, this was a doozy.
Right now, our chief concern is to
stabilize Annette, then, in surgery,
remove this here.
Removing BANDAGE to reveal BEER CAN, still held in her
hand.
AMBER
Oh, Mom, it's so ugly.
ANNETTE
Ruined a brand-new pair of Lee Press-
ons.
(weak)
Well, I sat down for a beer and KA-
BLEWEY! Next thing I know, somethin'
blows through my kitchen window. Next
thing I know, I'm ass up in Loretta's
flower bed.
EXT. TRAILER PARK - DUSK
SHAKY VIDEO of a 15 year-old rocker KID from the NECK
ROCKER KID #1
(Beavis with a MN accent)
Yah-dude, put another fuckin' book
under it.
ROCKER KID #2 (O.S.)
Don't say "fuckin'." My ma's got the
windows open.
CAMERA MOVES, then steadies. We see all of Rocker Kid
#1. Rocker Kid #2 runs into the shot with his guitar.
ROCKER KID #2 (cont'd)
kKay-dude, hurry. We gots like two
fuckin' minutes left on the battery.
ROCKER KID #1
A one...two...one-two-three...
SUDDENLY Annette's' trailer EXPLODES behind them! Rocker
Kids turn to see a BODY (Annette's) FLY through the air.
ROCKER KIDS
SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!!!!
INT. HOSPITAL - ANNETTE'S ROOM
ANNETTE
(to Amber)
I shoved your tap shoes in my jeans
before I was blown outta the house,
Honey. Check with the guy who cut my
pants off. He should have kem.
AMBER
Mom, uh, about that...I-I'm-oh God...
Amber starts to cry and runs out.
ANNETTE
Oh-Jesus-Mary-n-Joseph, she's
pregnant!
(calling after her)
If you are - come back, sweetie.
Mommy wants to talk, then KILL YOU!
LORETTA
(running after Amber)
Annette, why don't you just see if
there's any beer left in that can and
relax a bit.
INT. HOSPITAL - HALLWAY - NIGHT
Loretta and Amber face off.
LORETTA
You're what?!
AMBER
I-I'm quittin' the pageant.
LORETTA
I heard you, I was just tryin' to
scare you into changin' your mind. Oh
for Chrissakes, Amber, the woman clung
to your tap shoes while flyin' through
the air like a Goddamn lawn dart!
AMBER
Oh God, I'm dead...
A candy striper approaches them.
CANDY STRIPER
Hey, lil' Miss Sad-pants and her
friend Serious Sally, how kbout some
nice cool mints to turn those frowns
upside-down. "S."
LORETTA
(to candy striper)
D'ya think a nice cool mint'd help if
I shoved your head up your ass?
Fear sweeps over the Candy Striper - she bolts down the
hall! Loretta puts an arm around Amber and starts to
walk down the opposite direction.
AMBER
So, what do I say?
LORETTA
Simple. Just say, "Mom, I know you
sacrificed everything - relationships,
dreams - your tummy, ass and thighs -
all to bring me into this world. All
so I could have tap lessons and be in
the pageant - the same one you were
in. But, y'know what? I'm quittin'."
There. Easy as pie.
AMBER
Oh my God. I'm so dead...
LORETTA
Yeah, you betcha...
INT. HOSPITAL - ANNETTE'S ROOM - NIGHT
Follow Amber in past the now crying candy striper.
ANNETTE
(throwing mints)
Go on! Get out!
AMBER
Mom, look, don't say anything. First
of all, I'm not pregnant.
Amber sits on the bed. Annette grabs her shirt.
AMBER (cont'd)
Mom!
ANNETTE
I ain't lettin' go ktil you tell me
what's up. I'm reaching' a point
where I'd kill someone for the
nicotine on their fingernails.
AMBER
(deep breath)
Okay. Yesterday I...I got this
picture. So I kinda, y'know, I'm
thinkin' no. I'm gonna, I-I-I'm gonna
quit the pageant.
ANNETTE
What?!
She hits Amber with her beer-canned hand.
AMBER
Ow!
ANNETTE
(to camera)
Would yous boys excuse us a second?
Loretta, you too.
JUMP CUT TO:
INT. HOSPITAL - ANNETTE'S ROOM
SHOT THROUGH the window. Amber paces around Annette's
bed.
AMBER
Nice mouth you got there, Mom, but I-
I'm not goin' through this again.
ANNETTE
You're not goin' through this again?
You? You're not the one who knows how
Jiffy Pop feels.
AMBER
Oh, c'mon... First the picture of
Tammy, then Brett Clemens, now this?
It's scary.
ANNETTE
Let me tell you "scary," Amber. Look
at me. Do you wanna look like you
been rode hard and put away wet at my
age? I'm a "lifer" here. Best I can
hope for is to end up in a descent
"raisin ranch" where they'll change me
twice a day.
AMBER
That's it, I'm goin'...
ANNETTE
Honest to God, if I got to do it over?
I'd start walkin' outta this town the
minute I took my first step.
Practically the only thing I wouldn't
do different is have you...
Amber sits on the bed.
AMBER
God I hope that's you and not your
concussion talkin'.
ANNETTE
(smiling)
It's me...I just don't want this to be
the thing you'd do over. This
pageant's your ticket outta here. I
know you can win, Amber.
ANNETTE (cont'd)
C'mere. I love you so much.
AMBER
I love you much.
Annette hugs Amber.
INT. HOSPITAL - HALLWAY - NIGHT
Follow a jubilant Amber and Loretta.
LORETTA
Hell-no, she ain't quittin'.
AMBER
No. Mom said if I did, she'd look up
my dad and marry him.
DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.)
So has your mom kept your dad's life a
secret?
AMBER
No. She never hid the fact that my
dad picked his career over us. What'd
she used to say?
LORETTA
"Once a carnie, always a carnie."
AMBER
Oh-yah.
EXT. MOUNT ROSE STREET - MORNING
The twin officers lean against their car.
TWIN OFFICER #1
The Atkins fire? Foul play? Shit-no.
After some thorough investigatin', we
determined it musta been a bad wirin'.
Mosta them trailer-folk plug a TV,
VCR, crock pot and Fry-daddy into one
outlet and don't think nothin' of it
ktil KABLEWEY!
TWIN OFFICER #2
(taking a pinch of Skoal)
Not enough left to fill a tin.
INT. HOSPITAL - ANNETTE'S ROOM - DAY
Annette is in bad shape. The candy striper nervously
stands beside her, holding a syringe.
ANNETTE
"Bad wirin'?!" Well, if that ain't
the biggest crock-a-shit ever.
(turning on the candy
striper)
Ooowwww-Jesus! Did K-Mart have a sale
on dull needles?
CANDY STRIPER
I-I just need one more "do-over."
EXT. MOUNT ROSE V.F.W.
Follow the contestants up to the door.
INT. MOUNT ROSE V.F.W. - MAIN HALL
A smokey room with DRUNKEN VETS at the bar and
CONTESTANTS, in Sunday best, crowded around some tables.
They couldn't seem more out of place.
INT. MOUNT ROSE V.F.W. - MAIN HALL
SUPER: JUDGES INTERVIEWS - 3 DAYS BEFORE THE PAGEANT
GLADYS
So, remember the three most important
parts of a good interview...
IRIS
Okay, everybody, listen up!
GLADYS
Number one, American Teen Princess'
don't cross their legs like
streetwalkers.
The girls put their knees together.
GLADYS (cont'd)
Excuse me, Miss Penthouse Ninety-
eight, put your knees together.
(contestants laugh)
I could drive a boat show in there.
Gladys paces.
GLADYS (cont'd)
Ankles together. Hands resting
lightly on your laps. Good. Sit up
straight. Smile!
JUMP CUT TO:
INT. MOUNT ROSE V.F.W. - MAIN HALL
GLADYS
All right. Number two: the judges are
as nervous as you are.
V.F.W. - BACK ROOM
JUDGES - HAROLD, JOHN and JEAN KANGAS (Lester's
secretary) sit at a table, clipboards in front of them,
STARING at the camera. HANKS sits behind them,
fidgeting.
DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.)
So are you about ready to start the
judging - start the interview, there?
JOHN
(after long beat)
Uh, I-I guess I could answer that.
Yep. We're ready. So, we should
probably get the young girls in here,
then. Y'know, to start the
interviews...
V.F.W. - BACK ROOM
Tess enters, sits, then quickly remembers how to sit.
Judges nervously look at their clipboards - pencils
ready.
HAROLD
(trouble reading)
Uh, "if you could be any tree in the
woods, what kinda tree would you be?"
TESS
(long pause)
Dogwood.
V.F.W. - BACK ROOM - MONTAGE
ON MOLLY HOWARD, seated.
MOLLY
Bonsai.
V.F.W. - BACK ROOM - MONTAGE
ON LESLIE, seated.
LESLIE
Green?
V.F.W. - BACK ROOM - MONTAGE
ON MICHELLE JOHANSON, seated.
MICHELLE
A tree? I can be any tree you want.
Gimme a minute.
She begins vocal and facial warm-up exercises.
V.F.W. - BACK ROOM - MONTAGE
ON BECKY, seated.
BECKY
One with strong roots in a community
like Mount Rose, a solid Christian
trunk and long leafy branches to
provide shade for handicapped kids on
a hot summer day.
V.F.W. - BACK ROOM - MONTAGE
ON LISA SWENSON, seated, staring for a long beat, then:
LISA
You guys know the retard's pants are
open?
(laughing)
I don't want to see that.
V.F.W. - BACK ROOM - MONTAGE
ON THE JUDGES - Harold reads, John stares longingly.
HAROLD
"Who would you pick to be president,
dead or alive?"
PAN OVER to Molly Howard.
MOLLY
Uh, Emperor Hirohito.
V.F.W. - BACK ROOM - MONTAGE
ON LESLIE, seated...
LESLIE
Brett Favre!
V.F.W. - BACK ROOM - MONTAGE
ON BECKY, seated.
BECKY
My mother, kcause she could solve
world hunger with one of her blue-
ribbon rhubarb pies, create world
peace with one of her prayers and
still find time to look
beautiful...for my dad, Lester Leeman.
V.F.W. - BACK ROOM - MONTAGE
John Dough drinks nervously from his water glass.
JOHN
D-do you like to swim?
The other judges look at him, then at their clipboards
trying to find this question.
V.F.W. - BACK ROOM - MONTAGE
ON LISA SWENSON
LISA
Oh-yah, I love to swim. When I was in
New York, I met Greg Louganis at one-a
my brothers' shows...
V.F.W. - BACK ROOM - MONTAGE
Janelle, sings a long answer. The Judges look at each
other confused and frustrated.
JOHN
What the hell is she trying to say?
(yelling)
Say it!
JANELLE
The ktards pants are completely off!
The Judges turn and look at Hank.
HAROLD
Close up shop. Close up shop, Hank.
HANK
Harold!
HAROLD
Close up shop!
V.F.W. - BACK ROOM - MONTAGE
ON HAROLD
HAROLD
You Amber Atkins?
AMBER (O.S.)
Yes. Yes I am. Thank you, hello.
All judges turn a page on their clipboards.
HAROLD
"Name and spell all the United States
in alphabetical order."
PAN OVER to a stunned Amber.
AMBER
Seriously?
HAROLD (O.S.)
Ah-yep.
Amber can't believe what she's hearing.
AMBER
Well, ah...Alabama. A-L-A-B-A-M-A.
Alaska. A-L-A-S-K-A. Arizona. A-R-I-
Z-O-N-A.
V.F.W. - BACK ROOM - MONTAGE
AMBER
West Virginia. W-E-S-T-V-I-R-G-N-I-A.
Wisconsin. W-I-S-C-O-N-S-O-N.
Wyoming. W-Y-O-M-I-N-G.
Pan over to Judges. They can't believe it. Hank CLAPS
retardedly. He loves her.
HAROLD
(looking at others)
Uh-okay, then.
INT. DAKOTA COUNTY EATING DISORDERS CLINIC - MARY'S ROOM
A NURSE now stands beside Mary.
MARY
With two weeks until the pageant...
(continued labored breaths)
I was practicing my talent. Finishing
my costume, brushing up on current
events, and running eighteen miles a
day on about four hundred calories. I
was ready.
The nurse gives her a hit of oxygen. Mary smiles and
gives a THUMBS UP from behind the oxygen mask.
DRESSING ROOM - HALLWAY
PAN DOWN long, narrow room. A counter, with mirrors and
bare bulbs, cover one wall. Girls set up their areas and
change into their talent costumes.
SUPER: DRESS REHEARSAL - DAY BEFORE THE PAGEANT
IRIS
Coupla things...Gladys wants to be
sure we go in show order today. All
right? So very important. Don't
forget that.
CUT TO:
DRESSING ROOM - HALLWAY
CLOSE ON LESLIE MILLER, in cheerleading uniform, standing
beside small framed photos of her boyfriend on the
counter.
LESLIE
(unusually serious)
Oh-yah, really nervous. It's been
about two months. I haven't told my
boyfriend yet. How did you know?
DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.)
I meant, nervous about the pageant?
LESLIE
(suddenly perky)
Oh! Nervous about the pageant! Yah
sure!
She kisses a photo and GIGGLES.
CUT TO:
DRESSING ROOM - HALLWAY
CLOSE ON BECKY holding a sequin-covered poodle skirt and
sweater.
BECKY
There are eight thousand sequins and
fifteen hundred beads on the skirt,
alone. My mom and Mrs. Lopez make it.
She's one of my father's many Mexican
(Me'hee'kan) workers he lifts from the
poverty they know in Mexico
(Me'heek'koe).
CUT TO:
DRESSING ROOM - HALLWAY
CLOSE ON AMBER ATKINS at the far end of the counter.
AMBER
Yah-my ma's clothes all melted onto
mine forming like this big polyester
meteor in our closet, y'know? But, in
some kinda weird miracle, our neighbor
boy, Kenny Johanson, found my tap
costume on the roof-a their trailer
while he was settin' coon traps for
his dad. Here's the weird part. It
was still on the hanger.
DRESSING ROOM - HALLWAY
CLOSE ON TESS WEINHAUS wearing "I love German Shepherds"
sweatshirt, standing beside various trinkets.
TESS
And, uh, this is my lucky bolt. They
think it fell from a DC-10. The
doctor said I was lucky the flat side
hit me, um, otherwise it coulda gone
right through my head.
(holds up red tap dress)
I know, I know, gives me the willies,
too. I guess the explosion...
Janelle Betz, wearing a flowing, nymph-like dress with
ballet slippers, glides up to Amber.
JANELLE
(slow, due to signing)
Amber? Can we switch numbers? I need
to go first.
(smiling to camera)
My cousin just had a deaf baby and I
get to go see it!
AMBER
Yah-sure, eight's my luck number
anyway. Diane Sawyer was number eight
at her local.
JANELLE
Thank you.
INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - DAY
ON STAGE "Through the Eyes of Love" plays as Janelle
performs her INTERPRETATIVE DANCE while signing the
words. In the f.g., Gladys appears very serious.
GLADYS
(loud whisper)
I'll be honest. This is a hard time
for me. This is the part of the
pageant when you realize that tomorrow
night, all but one of these girls will
walk out of here a loser. It's hard
for me to know how that must feel, but
I'm sure it doesn't feel good.
In b.g., a BIG STAGE LIGHT FALLS on Janelle's head.
CRASH! Gladys and CAMERA rush the stage. "Through the
Eyes of Love" continues throughout.
EXT. LORETTA'S TRAILER - PORCH - THAT NIGHT
A very shaken Amber paces.
AMBER
Don't you get it? I was supposed to
go first. I was contestant number
one. That light was meant for my
head. If Janelle hadn't wanted to
change numbers... God, I owe my life
to that deaf baby.
Loretta enters, portable phone and drink in hand.
LORETTA
That was your mom. She wanted you to
have this.
AMBER
(taking drink)
Really, Loretta?
LORETTA
(avoiding eye contact)
You-betcha.
AMBER
My mom wanted me to have this?
LORETTA
Oh, shut up. I thought it might help
you get some sleep.
AMBER
Loretta, never have kids.
LORETTA
Well God-love-ya for thinkin' I still
could.
Loretta pulls a bag out of a closet and hands it to
Amber.
LORETTA (cont'd)
Here, your ma did want you to have
this since your other one got toasted
and all.
Amber pulls out an ELEGANT GREEN GOWN.
AMBER
Oh...my...God! It's just like Diane
Sawyer's! kCourse it's not a size
ten, Diane was a little hippy back
then. Oh, thank you! Thank you!
Thank you!
She hugs Loretta.
EXT./INT. HIGH SCHOOL - MAIN ENTRANCE - NIGHT
SUPER: NIGHT OF THE PAGEANT
BANNER: "Welcome to the Mount Rose American Teen Princess
Pageant, sponsored by Sarah Rose COSMETICS." The ENTIRE
TOWN is excitedly entering.
CLOSE ON
Mr. and Mrs. Howard and their daughter Tina, who's
embarrassed and continues to rant as they pass. All
three wear T-shirts with MOLLY'S FACE on them.
MR. HOWARD
MRS. HOWARD
Go Molly! Go! Number one daughter!
Behind them Leslie Miller's boyfriend, PAT, and a group
of ROWDY GUYS approach.
PAT
Whooo! Leslie kicks Teen Princess
ass! Go Muskies!
INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - DAY
STAGE IS DARK. Crowd takes their seats. You can feel
the electricity.
We hear the TAPE of a DRUM ROLL. SPOTLIGHT hits center
stage. Gladys enters wearing a gaudy gown, takes mic.
Applause!
GLADYS
Welcome, welcome. Okay, alright, now.
Is this for me or the gown?
Laughter and applause trail off.
GLADYS (cont'd)
Welcome to the Mount Rose American
Teen Princess Pageant. While every
contestant you'll meet tonight is
special and unique, they all have one
thing in common. They're all "Proud -
to - be - an - American!"
Wild applause! Jazzy patriotic medley tape. Gym doors
fly open and like a Felliniesque Vegas review,
CONTESTANTS enter wearing gowns and U.S. Monument
Headdresses. They struggle to maintain balance as they
dance, moving only their arms, on stage.
CUT TO:
Becky, whose head is built like another president into
Mount Rushmore, is first at the mic. (The "dance"
continues behind each contestant as she steps up to the
mic.)
BECKY
I chose Mount Rushmore, because to
live in a country where you can take
an ugly old mountain and put faces on
it, faces of great Americans, who did
so much to make our country super
great, well that makes me - Rebecca
Leeman - PROUD TO BE AN AMERICAN!
INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - MONTAGE
A MONTAGE of OPENING NUMBER INTRODUCTIONS
ON LISA SWENSON
wearing a Statue of Liberty Headdress. (It's a Barbie
Doll that holds an unlit birthday candle.)
LISA
Living in a country where Lady Liberty
keeps h |