written by

Woody Allen

Marshall Brickman

(Sound and Woody Allen monologue begin)

FADE IN:

White credits dissolve in and out on black screen. No sound.

FADE OUT: credits

FADE IN:

Abrupt medium close-up of Alvy Singer doing a comedy monologue. He

wearing a crumbled sports jacket and tieless shirt; the background is stark.

ALVY

There's an old joke. Uh, two elderly

women are at a Catskills mountain

resort, and one of 'em says: "Boy, the

food at this place is really terrible."

The other one says, "Yeah, I know, and

such ... small portions." Well, that's

essentially how I feel about life. Full

of loneliness and misery and suffering

and unhappiness, and it's all over much

too quickly. The-the other important

joke for me is one that's, uh, usually

attributed to Groucho Marx, but I think

it appears originally in Freud's wit and

its relation to the unconscious. And it

goes like this-I'm paraphrasing: Uh ...

"I would never wanna belong to any club

that would have someone like me for a

member." That's the key joke of my adult

life in terms of my relationships with

women. Tsch, you know, lately the

strangest things have been going

through my mind, 'cause I turned forty,

tsch, and I guess I'm going through a

life crisis or something, I don't know.

I, uh ... and I'm not worried about aging.

I'm not one o' those characters, you know.

Although I'm balding slightly on top, that's

about the worst you can say about me. I,

uh, I think I'm gonna get better as I get

older, you know? I think I'm gonna be the-

the balding virile type, you know, as

opposed to say the, uh, distinguished

gray, for instance, you know? 'Less I'm

neither o' those two. Unless I'm one o'

those guys with saliva dribbling out of

his mouth who wanders into a cafeteria

with a shopping bag screaming about

socialism.

(Sighing)

Annie and I broke up and I-I still can't

get my mind around that. You know, I-I

keep sifting the pieces of the relationship

through my mind and-and examining my life

and tryin' to figure out where did the

screw-up come, you know, and a year ago we

were... tsch, in love. You know, and-and-and

... And it's funny, I'm not-I'm not a

morose type. I'm not a depressive character.

I-I-I, uh,

(Laughing)

you know, I was a reasonably happy kid,

I guess. I was brought up in Brooklyn

during World War II.

CUT TO:

INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE-DAY

Alvy as young boy sits on a sofa with his mother in an old-fashioned,

cluttered doctor's office. The doctor stands near the sofa, holding a

cigarette and listening.

MOTHER

(To the doctor)

He's been depressed. All off a sudden,

he can't do anything.

DOCTOR

(Nodding)

Why are you depressed, Alvy?

MOTHER

(Nudging Alvy)

Tell Dr. Flicker.

(Young Alvy sits, his head down. His

mother answers for him)

It's something he read.

DOCTOR

(Puffing on his cigarette and

nodding)

Something he read, huh?

ALVY

(His head still down)

The universe is expanding.

DOCTOR

The universe is expanding?

ALVY

(Looking up at the doctor)

Well, the universe is everything, and if

it's expanding, someday it will break apart

and that would be the end of everything!

Disgusted, his mother looks at him.

MOTHER

(shouting)

What is that your business?

(she turns back to the doctor)

He stopped doing his homework.

ALVY

What's the point?

MOTHER

(Excited, gesturing with her hands)

What has the universe got to do with it?

You're here in Brooklyn! Brooklyn is not

expanding!

DOCTOR

(Heartily, looking down at Alvy)

It won't be expanding for billions of years

yet, Alvy. And we've gotta try to enjoy

ourselves while we're here. Uh?

He laughs.

CUT TO:

Fall shot of house with an amusement-park roller-coaster ride built over it.

A line of cars move up and then slides with great speed while out the window

of the house a band shakes a dust mop.

ALVY'S VOICE

My analyst says I exaggerate my childhood

memories, but I swear I was brought up

underneath the roller-

CUT TO:

INT. HOUSE

Alvy as a child sits at the table eating soup and reading a comic book while

his father sits on the sofa reading the paper. The house shakes with every

move of the roller coaster.

ALVY'S VOICE

-coaster in the Coney Island section of

Brooklyn. Maybe that accounts for my

personality, which is a little nervous, I

think.

CUT TO:

Young Alvy at the food-stand concession watching three military men

representing the Army, the Navy and the Marines arm in arm with a blond woman

in a skirted bathing suit. They all turn and run toward the foreground. The

girl stops before the camera to lean over and throw a kiss. The sign over the

concession reads "Steve's Famous Clam Bar. Ice Cold Beer, "and the roller

coaster is moving in full gear in the background.

ALVY'S VOICE

You know, I have a hyperactive imagination.

My mind tends to jump around a little, and

have some trouble between fantasy and reality.

CUT TO:

Full shot of people in bumper cars thoroughly enjoying bumping into each other

as Alvy father stands in the center of the track directing traffic.

ALVY'S VOICE

My father ran the bumper-car concession.

(Alvy as a child moves into the frame

driving a bumper car. He stops as other

cars bombard him. His father continues

to direct the traffic)

There-there he is and there I am. But I-I-I-I

used to get my aggression out through those

cars all the time.

Alvy backs up his car off screen.

INT. SCHOOLROOM - DAY

The camera pans over three austere-looking teachers standing in front of the

blackboard. The chalk writing on the board changes as each teacher lectures.

While Alvy speaks, one of the male teachers puts an equation on the blackboard.

- "2 X 10 = 20 " and other arithmetic formulas.

ALVY'S VOICE

I remember the staff at our public

school. You know, we had a saying, uh,

that "Those who can't do, teach, and

those who can't teach, teach gym." And

...uh, h'h, of course, those who couldn't

do anything, I think, were assigned to

our school. I must say-

CUT TO:

A female teacher standing in front of an old-fashioned schoolroom. The

blackboard behind her reads "Transportation Administration. The camera pans

her point of view: a group of young students sitting behind their desks. Alvy

as a child sits in a center desk wile all around him there is student activity;

there is note-passing, ruler-tapping, nose-picking, gumchewing.

ALVY'S VOICE

I always felt my schoolmates were idiots.

Melvyn Greenglass, you know, fat little

face, and Henrietta Farrell, just Miss

Perfect all the time. And-and Ivan

Ackerman, always the wrong answer. Always.

Ivan stands up behind his desk.

IVAN

Seven and three is nine.

Alvy hits his forehead with his hand. Another student glances over at him,

reacting.

ALVY'S VOICE

Even then I knew they were just jerks.

(The camera moves back to the teacher,

who is glaring out at her students)

In nineteen forty-two I had already dis-

As Alvy talks, the camera shows him move from his seat and kiss a young girl.

She jumps from her seat in disgust, rubbing her cheek, as Alvy moves back to

his seat.

1ST GIRL

(Making noises)

Ugh, he kissed me, he kissed me.

TEACHER

(Off screen)

That's the second time this month! Step

up here!

As the teacher, really glaring now, speaks, Alvy rises from his seat and moves

over to her. Angry, she points with her band while the students turn their

heads to watch what will happen next.

ALVY

What'd I do?

TEACHER

Step up here!

ALVY

What'd I do?

TEACHER

You should be ashamed of yourself.

The students, their heads still turned, look back at Alvy, now an adult,

sitting in the last seat of the second row.

ALVY (AS ADULT)

(First off screen, then onscreen as

camera moves over to the back of the

classroom)

Why, I was just expressing a healthy sexual

curiosity.

TEACHER

(The younger, Alvy standing next to her)

Six-year-old boys don't have girls on

their minds.

ALVY (AS ADULT)

(Still sitting in the back of

the classroom)

I did.

The girl the young Alvy kissed turns to the older Alvy, she gestures and

speaks.

1ST GIRL

For God's sakes, Alvy, even Freud speaks

of a latency period.

ALVY (AS ADULT)

(Gesturing)

Well, I never had a latency period. I

can't help it.

TEACHER

(With young, Alvy still at her side)

Why couldn't you have been more like Donald?

(The camera pans over to Donald,

sitting up tall in his seat, then

back to the teacher)

Now, there was a model boy!

ALVY (AS CHILD)

(Still standing next to the teacher)

Tell the folks where you are today, Donald.

DONALD

I run a profitable dress company.

ALVY'S VOICE

Right. Sometimes I wonder where my

classmates are today.

The camera shows the full classroom, the students sitting behind their desks,

the teacher standing in the front of the room. One at a time, the young

students rise u from their desks and speak.

1ST BOY

I'm president of the Pinkus Plumbing Company.

2ND BOY

I sell tallises.

3RD BOY

I used to be a heroin addict. Now I'm a

methadone addict.

2ND GIRL

I'm into leather.

INT. ROOM

Close-up of a TV screen showing Alvy as an adult on a talk show. He sits next

to the show, host, Dick Cavett, a Navy man sits on his right. Static is heard

throughout the dialogue.

ALVY

I lost track of most of my old schoolmates,

but I wound up a comedian. They did not take

me in the Army. I was, uh ... Interestingly

enough, I was-I was four-P.

Sounds of TV audience laughter and applause are heard.

DICK CAVETT

Four-P?

ALVY

Yes. In-in-in-in the event of war, I'm a

hostage.

More audience laughter joined by Dick Cavett and the naval officer.

INT. THE HOUSE WHERE ALVY GREW UP

Alvy's mother sits at the old-fashioned dining-room table peeling carrots and

talking as she looks off screen.

MOTHER

You always only saw the worst in people.

You never could get along with anyone at

school. You were always outta step with the

world. Even when you got famous, you still

distrusted the world.'

EXT. MANHATTAN STREET-DAY

A pretty Manhattan street with sidewalk trees, brownstones, a school; people

mill about, some strolling and carrying bundles, others buried. The screen

shows the whole length of the sidewalk, a street, and part of the sidewalk

beyond. As the following scene ensues, two pedestrians, indistinguishable in

the distance, come closer and closer toward the camera, recognizable, finally,

as Alvy and his best friend, Rob, deep in conversation. They eventually move

past the camera and off screen. Traffic noise is heard in the background.

ALVY

I distinctly heard it. He muttered under

his breath, "Jew."

ROB

You're crazy!

ALVY

No, I'm not. We were walking off the

tennis court, and you know, he was there

and me and his wife, and he looked at her

and then they both looked at me, and under

his breath he said, "Jew."

ROB

Alvy, you're a total paranoid.

ALVY

Wh- How am I a paran-? Well, I pick up on

those kind o' things. You know, I was

having lunch with some guys from NBC, so

I said ... uh, "Did you eat yet or what?"

and Tom Christie said, "No, didchoo?"

Not, did you, didchoo eat? Jew? No, not

did you eat, but Jew eat? Jew. You get it?

Jew eat?

ROB

Ah, Max, you, uh ...

ALVY

Stop calling me Max.

ROB

Why, Max? It's a good name for you. Max,

you see conspiracies in everything.

ALVY

No, I don't! You know, I was in a record

store. Listen to this -so I know there's

this big tall blond crew-cutted guy and

he's lookin' at me in a funny way and

smiling and he's saying, "Yes, we have a

sale this week on Wagner." Wagner, Max,

Wagner-so I know what he's really tryin'

to tell me very significantly Wagner.

ROB

Right, Max. California, Max.

ALVY

Ah.

ROB

Let's get the hell outta this crazy city.

ALVY

Forget it, Max.

ROB

-we move to sunny L.A. All of show business

is out there, Max.

ALVY

No, I cannot. You keep bringing it up, but

I don't wanna live in a city where the only

cultural advantage is that you can make a

right turn on a red light.

ROB

(Checking his watch)

Right, Max, forget it. Aren't you gonna be

late for meeting Annie?

ALVY

I'm gonna meet her in front of the Beekman.

I think I have a few minutes left. Right?

EXT. BEEKMAN THEATER-DAY

Alvy stands in front of glass doors of theater, the ticket taker behind him

just inside the glass doors. The sounds of city traffic, car horns honking,

can be heard while he looks around waiting for, Annie. A man in a black leather

jacket, walking past the theater, stops in front of, Alvy. He looks at him,

then moves away. He stops a few steps farther and turns around to look at Alvy

again. Alvy looks away, then back at the man. The man continues to stare.

Alvy scratches his head, looking for Annie and trying not to notice the man.

The man, still staring, walks back to Alvy.

1ST MAN

Hey, you on television?

ALVY

(Nodding his head)

No. Yeah, once in a while. You know,

like occasionally.

1ST MAN

What's your name?

ALVY

(Clearing his throat)

You wouldn't know it. It doesn't matter.

What's the difference?

1ST MAN

You were on ... uh, the ... uh, the Johnny

Carson, right?

ALVY

Once in a while, you know. I mean, you

know, every now-

1ST MAN

What's your name?

Alvy is getting more and more uneasy as the man talks; more and more people

move through the doors of the theater.

ALVY

(Nervously)

I'm ... I'm, uh, I'm Robert Redford.

1ST MAN

(Laughing)

Come on.

ALVY

Alvy Singer. It was nice nice ... Thanks

very much ... for everything.

They shake hands and Alvy pats the man's arm. The man in turn looks over his

shoulder and motions to another man. All excited now, he points to Alvy and

calls out. Alvy looks impatient.

1ST MAN

Hey!

2ND MAN

(Off screen)

What?

1ST MAN

This is Alvy Singer!

ALVY

Fellas ... you know-Jesus! Come on!

1ST MAN

(Overlapping, ignoring Alvy)

This guy's on television! Alvy

Singer, right? Am I right?

ALVY

(Overlapping 1st man)

Gimme a break, will yuh, gimme a break.

Jesus Christ!

1ST MAN

(Still ignoring Alvy's protestations)

This guy's on television.

ALVY

I need a large polo mallet!

2ND MAN

(Moving into the screen)

Who's on television?

1ST MAN

This guy, on the Johnny Carson show.

ALVY

(Annoyed)

Fellas, what is this-a meeting o' the

teamsters? You know.. .

2ND MAN

(Also ignoring Alvy)

What program?

1ST MAN

(Holding out a matchbook)

Can I have your autograph?

ALVY

You don't want my autograph.

1ST MAN

(Overlapping, Alvy's speech)

Yeah, I do. It's for my girl friend.

Make it out to Ralph.

ALVY

(Taking the matchbook and pen and

writing)

Your girl friend's name is Ralph?

1ST MAN

It's for my brudder.

(To passersby)

Alvy Singer! Hey! This is Alvy-

2ND MAN

(To Alvy, overlapping 1st man's speech)

You really Alvy Singer, the ... the

TV star?

Nodding his head yes, Alvy shoves 2nd man aside and moves to the curb of the

sidewalk. The two men follow, still talking over the traffic noise.

1ST MAN

-Singer!

2ND MAN

Alvy Singer over here!

A cab moves into the frame and stops by the curb. Alvy moves over to it about

to get in.

ALVY

(Overlapping the two men and

stuttering)

I-i-i-i-it's all right, fellas.

(As Alvy opens the cab door, the

two men still behind him, Annie

gets out)

Jesus, what'd you do, come by way of

the Panama Canal?

ANNIE

(Overlapping Alvy)

Alright, alright, I'm in a bad mood, okay?

Annie closes the cab door and she and Alvy move over to the ticket booth of

the theater as they continue to talk.

ALVY

Bad mood? I'm standing with the cast of

"The Godfather."

ANNIE

You're gonna hafta learn to deal with it.

ALVY

Deal! I'm dealing with two guys named

Cheech!

ANNIE

Okay.

(They move into the ticket line,

still talking. A billboard next to

them reads "INGMAR BERGMAN'S 'FACE

TO FACE ,'LIV ULLMANN")

Please, I have a headache, all right?

ALVY

Hey, you are in a bad mood. You-you-

you must be getting your period.

ANNIE

I'm not getting my period. Jesus, every

time anything out of the ordinary happens,

you think that I'm getting my period!

They move over to the ticket counter, people in front of them buying tickets

and walking off screen.

ALVY

(Gesturing)

A li-little louder. I think one of them

may have missed it!

(To the ticket clerk)

H'm, has the picture started yet?

TICKET CLERK

It started two minutes ago.

ALVY

(Hitting his hand on the counter)

That's it! Forget it! I-I can't go in.

ANNIE

Two minutes, Alvy.

ALVY

(Overlapping Annie)

No, I'm sorry, I can't do it. We-we've

blown it already. I-you know, uh, I-I

can't go in in the middle.

ANNIE

In the middle?

(Alvy nods his head yes and let's

out an exasperated sigh)

We'll only miss the titles. They're in

Swedish.

ALVY

You wanna get coffee for two hours or

something? We'll go next-

ANNIE

Two hours? No, u-uh, I'm going in.

I'm going in.

She moves past the ticket clerk.

ALVY

(Waving to Annie)

Go ahead. Good-bye.

Annie moves back to Alvy and takes his arm.

ANNIE

Look, while we're talking we could be

inside, you know that?

ALVY

(Watching people with tickets move

past them)

Hey, can we not stand here and argue in

front of everybody, 'cause I get embarrassed.

ANNIE

Alright. All right, all right, so whatta

you wanna do?

ALVY

I don't know now. You-you wanna go to

another movie?

(Annie nods her head and shrugs

her shoulders disgustedly as Alvy,

gesturing with his band, looks at

her)

So let's go see The Sorrow and the Pity.

ANNIE

Oh, come on, we've seen it. I'm not in

the mood to see a four-hour documentary

on Nazis.

ALVY

Well, I'm sorry, I-I can't ... I-I-I've

gotta see a picture exactly from the start

to the finish, 'cause-'cause I'm anal.

ANNIE

(Laughing now)

H'h, that's a polite word for what you are.

INT. THEATER LOBBY.

A lined-up crowd of ticket holders waiting to get into the theater, Alvy and

Annie among them. A bum of indistinct chatter can be heard through the ensuing

scene.

MAN IN LINE

(Loudly to his companion right

behind Alvy and Annie)

We saw the Fellini film last Tuesday.

It is not one of his best. It lacks a

cohesive structure. You know, you get

the feeling that he's not absolutely sure

what it is he wants to say. 'Course, I've

always felt he was essentially a-a technical

film maker. Granted, La Strada was a great

film. Great in its use of negative energy

more than anything else. But that simple

cohesive core ...

Alvy, reacting to the man's loud monologue, starts to get annoyed, while Annie

begins to read her newspaper.

ALVY

(Overlapping the man's speech)

I'm-I'm-I'm gonna have a stroke.

ANNIE

(Reading)

Well, stop listening to him.

MAN IN LINE

(Overlapping Alvy and Annie)

You know, it must need to have had its

leading from one thought to another.

You know what I'm talking about?

ALVY

(Sighing)

He's screaming his opinions in my ear.

MAN IN LINE

Like all that Juliet of the Spirits or

Satyricon, I found it incredibly ...

indulgent. You know, he really is. He's

one of the most indulgent film makers. He

really is-

ALVY

(Overlapping)

Key word here is "indulgent."

MAN IN LINE

(Overlapping)

-without getting ... well, let's put it

this way ...

ALVY

(To Annie, who is still reading,

overlapping the man in line who is

still talking)

What are you depressed about?

ANNIE

I missed my therapy. I overslept.

ALVY

How can you possibly oversleep?

ANNIE

The alarm clock.

ALVY

(Gasping)

You know what a hostile gesture that is

to me?

ANNIE

I know-because of our sexual problem,

right?

ALVY

Hey, you ... everybody in line at the

New Yorker has to know our rate of

intercourse?

MAN IN LINE

- It's like Samuel Beckett, you know-

I admire the technique but he doesn't ...

he doesn't hit me on a gut level.

ALVY

(To Annie)

I'd like to hit this guy on a gut level.

The man in line continues his speech all the while Alvy and Annie talk.

ANNIE

Stop it, Alvy!

ALVY

(Wringing his hands)

Well, he's spitting on my neck! You know,

he's spitting on my neck when he talks.

MAN IN LINE

And then, the most important thing of all

is a comedian's vision.

ANNIE

And you know something else? You know,

you're so egocentric that if I miss my

therapy you can think of it in terms of

how it affects you!

MAN IN LINE

(Lighting a cigarette while he talks)

Gal gun-shy is what it is.

ALVY

(Reacting again to the man in line)

Probably on their first date, right?

MAN IN LINE

(Still going on)

It's a narrow view.

ALVY

Probably met by answering an ad in the

New York Review of Books. "Thirtyish

academic wishes to meet woman who's

interested in Mozart, James Joyce and

sodomy."

(He sighs; then to Annie)

Whatta you mean, our sexual problem?

ANNIE

Oh!

ALVY

I-I-I mean, I'm comparatively normal

for a guy raised in Brooklyn.

ANNIE

Okay, I'm very sorry. My sexual problem!

Okay, my sexual problem! Huh?

The man in front of them turns to look at them, then looks away.

ALVY

I never read that. That was-that was

Henry James, right? Novel, uh, the

sequel to Turn of the Screw? My Sexual ...

MAN IN LINE

(Even louder now)

It's the influence of television. Yeah,

now Marshall McLuhan deals with it in terms

of it being a-a high, uh, high intensity,

you understand? A hot medium ... as opposed

to a ...

ALVY

(More and more aggravated)

What I wouldn't give for a large sock o'

horse manure.

MAN IN LINE

... as opposed to a print ...

Alvy steps forward, waving his hands in frustration, and stands facing the

camera.

ALVY

(Sighing and addressing the audience)

What do you do when you get stuck in a movie

line with a guy like this behind you? I mean,

it's just maddening!

The man in line moves toward Alvy. Both address the audience now.

MAN IN LINE

Wait a minute, why can't I give my opinion?

It's a free country!

ALVY

I mean, d- He can give you- Do you hafta

give it so loud? I mean, aren't you ashamed

to pontificate like that? And-and the funny

part of it is, M-Marshall McLuhan, you don't

know anything about Marshall McLuhan's...work!

MAN IN LINE

(Overlapping)

Wait a minute! Really? Really? I happen to

teach a class at Columbia called "TV Media

and Culture"! So I think that my insights

into Mr. McLuhan-well, have a great deal of

validity.

ALVY

Oh, do yuh?

MAN IN LINE

Yes.

ALVY

Well, that's funny, because I happen to

have Mr. McLuhan right here. So ... so,

here, just let me-I mean, all right. Come

over here ... a second.

Alvy gestures to the camera which follows him and the man in line to the back

of the crowded lobby. He moves over to a large stand-up movie poster and

pulls Marshall McLuban from behind the poster.

MAN IN LINE

Oh.

ALVY

(To McLuban)

Tell him.

MCLUHAN

(To the man in line)

I hear-I heard what you were saying.

You-you know nothing of my work. You

mean my whole fallacy is wrong. How you

ever got to teach a course in anything is

totally amazing.

ALVY

(To the camera)

Boy, if life were only like this!

INT. THEATER. A CLOSE-UP OF THE SCREEN SHOWING FACES OF GERMAN SOLDIERS.

Credits appear over the faces of the soldiers.

THE SORROW AND THE PITY

CINEMA 5 LTD., 1972

MARCEL OPHULS, ANDRE HARRIS, 1969

Chronicle of a French town during the Occupation

NARRATOR'S VOICE

(Over credits and soldiers)

June fourteenth, nineteen forty, the

German army occupies Paris. All over

the country, people are desperate for

every available scrap of news.

CUT TO:

INT. BEDROOM-NIGHT

Annie is sitting up in bed reading.

ALVY

(Off screen)

Boy, those guys in the French Resistance

were really brave, you know? Got to listen

to Maurice Chevalier sing so much.

ANNIE

M'm, I don't know, sometimes I ask myself

how I'd stand up under torture.

ALVY

(Off screen)

You? You kiddin'?

(He moves into the frame, lying across

the bed to touch, Annie, who makes a

face)

If the Gestapo would take away your

Bloomingdale's charge card, you'd tell 'em

everything.

ANNIE

That movie makes me feel guilty.

ALVY

Yeah, 'cause it's supposed to.

He starts kissing Annie's arm. She gets annoyed and continues to read.

ANNIE

Alvy, I ...

ALVY

What-what-what-what's the matter?

ANNIE

I-you know, I don't wanna.

ALVY

(Overlapping Annie, reacting)

What-what-I don't ... It's not natural!

We're sleeping in a bed together. You

know, it's been a long time.

ANNIE

I know, well, it's just that-you know, I

mean, I-I-I-I gotta sing tomorrow night,

so I have to rest my voice.

ALVY

(Overlapping Annie again)

It's always some kind of an excuse. It's-

You know, you used to think that I was

very sexy. What ... When we first started

going out, we had sex constantly ... We're-

we're probably listed in the Guinness Book

of World Records.

ANNIE

(Patting Alvy's band solicitously)

I know. Well, Alvy, it'll pass, it'll

pass, it's just that I'm going through a

phase, that's all.

ALVY

M'm.

ANNIE

I mean, you've been married before, you

know how things can get. You were very

hot for Allison at first.

CUT TO:

INT. BACK STAGE OF AUDITORIUM - NIGHT.

Allison, clipboard in band, walks about the wings, stopping to talk to various

people. Musicians, performers and technicians mill about, busy with activity.

Allison wears a large "ADLAI" button, as do the people around her. The sounds

of a comedian on the stage of the auditorium can be heard, occasionally,

interrupted by chatter and applause from the off screen audience. Allison

stops to talk to two women; they, too, wear "ADLAI" buttons.

ALLISON

(Looking down at the clipboard)

Ma'am, you're on right after this man ...

about twenty minutes, something like that.

WOMAN

Oh, thank you.

Alvy moves into the frame behind Allison. He taps her on the shoulder; she

turns to face him.

ALVY

(Coughing)

Excuse ... excuse me, when do I go on?

ALLISON

(Looking down at the clipboard)

Who are you?

ALVY

Alvy ... Alvy Singer. I'm a comedian.

ALLISON

Oh, comedian. Yes. Oh, uh ... you're

on next.

ALVY

(Rubbing his hands together

nervously)

What do you mean, next?

ALLISON

(Laughing)

Uh ... I mean you're on right after

this act.

ALVY

(Gesturing)

No, it can't be, because he's a comic.

ALLISON

Yes.

ALVY

So what are you telling me, you're

putting on two comics in a row?

ALLISON

Why not?

ALVY

No, I'm sorry, I'm not goin'- I can't

... I don't wanna go on after that comedian.

ALLISON

It's okay.

ALVY

No, because they're-they're laughing, so

(He starts laughing nervously)

I-I-I'd rather not. If you don't mind,

I prefer-

ALLISON

(Overlapping)

Will you relax, please? They're gonna

love you, I know.

ALVY

(Overlapping)

I prefer not to, because ... look,

they're laughing at him. See, so what

are yuh telling me-

They move closer to the stage, looking out from the wings.

ALLISON

(Overlapping)

Yes.

ALVY

(Overlapping)

-that I've got to ... ah ... ah ...

They're gonna laugh at him for a couple

minutes, then I gotta go out there, I

gotta ... get laughs, too. How much can

they laugh?

(Off screen)

They-they they're laughed out.

ALLISON

(Off screen)

Do you feel all right?

As Allison and Alvy look out at the stage, the camera cuts to their point of

view: a comedian standing at a podium in front of huge waving pictures of Adlai

Stevenson. The audience, laughing and clapping, sits at round tables in

clusters around the room.

The camera moves back to Allison and Alvy watching the stage. Alvy is swinging

his hands nervously.

COMEDIAN

(Off screen, onstage)

You know ...

Alvy starts looking Allison up and down; people in the background mill about.

ALVY

(Above the chatter around him)

Look, what's your-what's your name?

COMEDIAN

(Off screen)

... General Eisenhower is not ...

ALLISON

(Looking out at the stage)

Allison.

ALVY

Yeah? Allison what?

ALLISON

(Still looking off screen)

Portchnik.

COMEDIAN

... a group from the ...

ALVY

(Coughing)

Thank you. I-I don't know why they would

have me at this kind of rally 'cause ...

(He clears his throat)

Excuse me, I'm not essentially a political

comedian at all.

The audience starts to laugh.

ALVY

I ... interestingly had, uh, dated ...

a woman in the Eisenhower Administration

... briefly ... and, uh, it was ironic to

me 'cause, uh . . . tsch . . . 'cause I

was trying to, u-u-uh, do to her what

Eisenhower has been doing to the country

for the last eight years.

The audience is with him, laughing, as Allison continues to watch offstage.

INT. APARTMENT BEDROOM.

Allison and, Alvy are on the bed, kissing. There are books all over the room;

a fireplace, unlit, along one of the walls. Alvy suddenly breaks away and sits

on the edge of the bed. Allison looks at him.

ALVY

H'm, I'm sorry, I can't go through with

this, because it-I can't get it off my

mind, Allison ... it's obsessing me!

ALLISON

Well, I'm getting tired of it. I need

your attention.

Alvy gets up from the bed and starts walking restlessly around the room,

gesturing with his hands.

ALVY

It-but it-it ... doesn't make any sense.

He drove past the book depository and the

police said conclusively that it was an

exit wound. So-how is it possible for

Oswald to have fired from two angles at

once? It doesn't make sense.

ALLISON

Alvy.

Alvy, stopping for a moment at the fireplace mantel, sighs. He then snaps his

fingers and starts walking again.

ALVY

I'll tell you this! He was not marksman

enough to hit a moving target at that

range. But ...

(Clears his throat)

if there was a second assassin ... it-

That's it!

Alvy stops at the music stand with open sheet music on it as Allison gets up

from the bed and retrieves a pack of cigarettes from a bookshelf.

ALLISON

We've been through this.

ALVY

If they-they recovered the shells from

that rifle.

ALLISON

(Moving back to the bed and

lighting a cigarette)

Okay. All right, so whatta yuh saying,

now? That e-e-everybody o-o-on the Warren

Commission is in on this conspiracy, right?

ALVY

Well, why not?

ALLISON

Yeah, Earl Warren?

ALVY

(Moving toward the bed)

Hey ... honey, I don't know Earl Warren.

ALLISON

Lyndon Johnson?

ALVY

(Propping one knee on the bed

and gesturing)

L-L-Lyndon Johns Lyndon Johnson is a

politician. You know the ethics those

guys have? It's like-uh, a notch

underneath child molester.

ALLISON

Then everybody's in in the conspiracy?

ALVY

(Nodding his head)

Tsch.

ALLISON

The FBI, and the CIA, and J. Edgar

Hoover and oil companies and the

Pentagon and the men's-room attendant

at the White House?

Alvy touches Allison's shoulder, then gets up from the bed and starts walking

again.

ALVY

I-I-I-I would leave out the men's-room

attendant.

ALLISON

You're using this conspiracy theory as

an excuse to avoid sex with me.

ALVY

Oh, my God!

(Then, to the camera)

She's right! Why did I turn off Allison

Portchnik? She was-she was beautiful. She

was willing. She was real ... intelligent.

(Sighing)

Is it the old Groucho Marx joke? That-that

I-I just don't wanna belong to any club that

would have someone like me for a member?

EXT. BEACH HOUSE - DAY

Alvy's and Annie's voices are heard over the wind-browned exterior of a beach

house in the Hamptons. As they continue to talk, the camera moves inside the

house. Alvy is picking up chairs, trying to get at the group of lobsters

crawling on the floor. Dishes are stacked up in a drying rack, and bags of

groceries sit on the counter. There's a table and chairs near the refrigerator.

ANNIE

Alvy, now don't panic. Please.

ALVY

Look, I told you it was a ... mistake

to ever bring a live thing in the house.

ANNIE

Stop it! Don't ... don't do that! There.

The lobsters continue to crawl on the floor. Annie, bolding out a wooden

paddle, tries to shove them onto it.

ALVY

Well, maybe we should just call the police.

Dial nine-one-one, it's the lobster squad.

ANNIE

Come on, Alvy, they're only baby ones, for

God's sake.

ALVY

If they're only babies, then you pick

'em up.

ANNIE

Oh, all right. All right! It's all

right. Here.

She drops the paddle and picks up one of the lobsters by the tail. Laughing,

she shoves it at Alvy who jerks backward, squeamishly.

ALVY

Don't give it to me. Don't!

ANNIE

(Hysterically)

Oooh! Here! Here!

ALVY

(Pointing)

Look! Look, one crawled behind the

refrigerator. It'll turn up in our bed

at night.

(They move over to the refrigerator;

Alvy moves as close to the wall as

possible as Annie, covering her mouth

and laughing hysterically, teasingly

dangles a lobster in front of him)

Will you get outta here with that thing?

Jesus!

ANNIE

(Laughing, to the lobster)

Get him!

ALVY

(Laughing)

Talk to him. You speak shellfish!

(He moves over to the stove and

takes the lid of a large steamer

filled with boiling water)

Hey, look ... put it in the pot.

ANNIE

(Laughing)

I can't! I can't put him in the pot. I

can't put a live thing in hot water.

ALVY

(Overlapping)

Gimme! Gimme! Let me do it! What-what's

he think we're gonna do, take him to the

movies?

Annie hands the lobster to Alvy as he takes it very carefully and drops it

gingerly into the pot and puts the cover back on.

ANNIE

(Overlapping Alvy and making sounds)

Oh, God! Here yuh go! Oh, good, now

he'll think-

(She screams)

Aaaah! Okay.

ALVY

(Overlapping Annie)

Okay, it's in. It's definitely in the pot!

ANNIE

All right. All right. All right.

She moves hurriedly across the kitchen and picks up another lobster. Smiling,

she places it on the counter as Alvy stands beside the refrigerator trying to

push it from the wall.

ALVY

Annie, there's a big lobster behind

the refrigerator. I can't get it out.

This thing's heavy. Maybe if I put a

little dish of butter sauce here with a

nutcracker, it will run out the other

side, you know what I mean?

ANNIE

(Overlapping)

Yeah. I'm gonna get my ... I'm gonna

get my camera.

ALVY

You know, I-I think ... if I could pry

this door off ... We shoulda gotten steaks

'cause they don't have legs. They don't

run around.

Annie rushes out of the room to get her camera as Alvy picks up the paddle.

Trying to get at the lobsters, he ends up knocking over dishes and hitting the

chandelier. Holding the paddle, he finally leans back against the sink.

Annie, standing in the doorway, starts taking pictures of him.

ANNIE

Great! Great!

(Screaming)

Goddammit!

(Screaming)

Ooooh! These are ... p-p-p-pick this

lobster up. Hold it, please!

ALVY

All right! All right! All right! All

right! Whatta yuh mean? Are yuh gonna

take pictures now?

ANNIE

It'll make great- Alvy, be- Alvy, it'll

be wonderful ... Ooooh, lovely!

ALVY

(Picking up the lobster Annie

placed on the counter earlier)

All right, here! Oh, God, it's disgusting!

Alvy drops the lobster back down on the counter, sticking out his tongue and

making a face.

ANNIE

Don't be a jerk. One more, Alvy, please,

one more picture.

(Reluctantly Alvy picks up the

lobster again as Annie takes

another picture)

Oh, oh, good, good!

EXT. OCEAN FRONT-DUSK.

The camera pans Annie and Alvy as they walk along the shore.

ALVY

So, so-well, here's what I wanna know.

W-what ...

(He clears his throat)

Am I your first big romance?

ANNIE

Oh ... no, no, no, no, uh, uh. No.

ALVY

Well, then, w-who was?

ANNIE

Oh, well, let's see, there was Dennis,

from Chippewa Falls High School.

CUT TO:

FLASHBACK OF DENNIS LEANING AGAINST A CAR - NIGHT

Behind him is a movie theater with "MARILYN MONROE, 'MISFITS' " on the marquee.

He looks at his watch as the younger Annie, in a beehive hairdo, moves into the

frame. They kiss quickly and look at each other, smiling.

ALVY'S VOICE

(Off screen)

Dennis-right, uh, uh ... local kid

probably, would meetcha in front of the

movie house on Saturday night.

ANNIE'S VOICE

Oh, God, you should've seen what I looked

like then.

ALVY'S VOICE

(Off screen, laughing)

Oh, I can imagine. P-p-probably the

wife of an astronaut.

ANNIE'S VOICE

Then there was Jerry, the actor.

CUT TO:

FLASHBACK OF BRICK-WALLED APARTMENT - NIGHT

The younger, Annie and Jerry lean against the wall. Jerry is running his band

down Annie's bare arm. Annie and Alvy walk into the room, observing the younger

Annie, in jeans and T-shirt, with Jerry.

ALVY'S VOICE

(Laughing)

Look at you, you-you,-re such a clown.

ANNIE'S VOICE

I look pretty.

ALVY'S VOICE

Well, yeah, you always look pretty, but

that guy with you ...

JERRY

Acting is like an exploration of the soul.

I-it's very religious. Uh, like, uh, a

kind of liberating consciousness. It's

like a visual poem.

ALVY

(Laughing)

Is he kidding with that crap?

YOUNGER ANNIE

(Laughing)

Oh, right. Right, yeah, I think I

know exactly what you mean, when you

say "religious."

ALVY

(Incredulous, to Annie)

You do?

ANNIE

(Still watching)

Oh, come on-I mean, I was still younger.

ALVY

Hey, that was last year.

JERRY

It's like when I think of dying. You

know how I would like to die?

YOUNGER ANNIE

No, how?

JERRY

I'd like to get torn apart by wild animals.

ALVY'S VOICE

Heavy! Eaten by some squirrels.

ANNIE'S VOICE

Hey, listen-I mean, he was a terrific actor,

and look at him, he's neat-looking and he

was emotional ... Y-hey, I don't think you

like emotion too much.

Jerry stops rubbing the younger Annie's arm and slides down to the floor as

she raises her foot toward his chest.

JERRY

Touch my heart ... with your foot.

ALVY'S VOICE

I-I may throw up!

CUT BACK TO:

EXTERIOR. BEACH-DUSK

It's now sunset, the water reflecting the last light. The camera moves over

the scene. The off screen voices of Alvy and Annie are heard as they walk, the

camera always one step ahead of them.

ANNIE

He was creepy.

ALVY

Yeah, I-I think you're pretty lucky I

came along.

ANNIE

(Laughing)

Oh, really? Well, la-de-da!

ALVY

La-de-da. If I-if anyone had ever told

me that I would be taking out a girl who

used expressions like "la-de-da" . . .

ANNIE

Oh, that's right. That you really like

those New York girls.

ALVY

Well, no ... not just, not only.

ANNIE

Oh, I'd say so. You married-

CUT TO:

INT. NEW YORK CITY APARTMENT-NIGHT

A cocktail party is in progress, the rooms crowded with guests as Alvy and

Robin make their way through the people. A waiter, carrying a tray, walks

past them. Alvy reaches out to pick up a glass; Robin reaches over and picks

it of the tray first. There is much low-key chatter in the background.

ANNIE

(Off screen)

-two of them.

ROBIN

There's Henry Drucker. He has a chair

in history at Princeton. Oh, the short

man is Hershel Kaminsky. He has a chair

in philosophy at Cornell.

ALVY

Yeah, two more chairs and they got a

dining-room set.

ROBIN

Why are you so hostile?

ALVY

(Sighing)

'Cause I wanna watch the Knicks on

television.

ROBIN

(Squinting)

Is that Paul Goodman? No. And be nice

to the host because he's publishing my

book. Hi, Doug! Douglas Wyatt.

"A Foul-Rag-and-Bone Shop-of-the-Heart."

They move through the rooms, Robin holding a drink in one hand, her arm draped

in Alvy's; the crowd mills around them.

ALVY

(Taking Robin's hand)

I'm so tired of spending evenings making

fake insights with people who work for

Dysentery.

ROBIN

Commentary.

ALVY

Oh, really, I heard that Commentary and

Dissent had merged and formed Dysentery.

ROBIN

No jokes-these are friends, okay?

INT. BEDROOM

Alvy sits on the foot of the bed watching the Knicks game on television.

TV ANNOUNCER

(Off screen)

Cleveland Cavaliers losing to the New

York Knicks.

Robin enters the room, slamming the door.

ROBIN

Here you are. There's people out there.

ALVY

Hey, you wouldn't believe this. Two

minutes ago, the Knicks are ahead fourteen

points, and now ...

(Clears his throat)

they're ahead two points.

ROBIN

Alvy, what is so fascinating about a group

of pituitary cases trying to stuff the

ball through a hoop?

ALVY

(Looking at Robin)

What's fascinating is that it's physical.

You know, it's one thing about intellectuals,

they prove that you can be absolutely brilliant

and have no idea what's going on. But on the

other hand ...

(Clears his throat)

the body doesn't lie, as-as we now know.

Alvy reaches over, pulls Robin down onto the bed. He kisses her and moves

farther up on the bed.

ROBIN

Stop acting out.

She sits on the edge of the bed, looking down at the sprawled-out Alvy.

ALVY

No, it'll be great! It'll be great,

be-because all those Ph.D.'s are in

there, you know, like ... discussing

models of alienation and we'll be in

here quietly humping.

He pulls Robin toward him, caressing her as she pulls herself away.

ROBIN

Alvy, don't! You're using sex to

express hostility.

ALVY

"'Why-why do you always r-reduce my

animal urges to psychoanalytic categories?'

(Clears his throat)

he said as he removed her brassiere..."

ROBIN

(Pulling away again)

There are people out there from The New

Yorker magazine. My God! What would they

think?

She gets up and fixes the zipper on her dress. She turns and moves toward the

door.

INT. APARTMENT-NIGHT

Robin and Alvy are in bed. The room is in darkness. Outside, a siren starts

blaring.

ROBIN

Oh, I'm sorry!

ALVY

Don't get upset!

ROBIN

Dammit! I was so close.

She flips on the overhead lamp and turns on her side. Alvy turns to her.

ALVY

(Gesturing)

Jesus, last night it was some guy honking

his car horn. I mean, the city can't

close down. You know, what-whatta yuh

gonna do, h-have 'em shut down the

airport, too? No more flights so we can

have sex?

ROBIN

(Reaching over for her eyeglasses

on the night table)

I'm too tense. I need a Valium. My

analyst says I should live in the country

and not in New York.

ALVY

Well, I can't li- We can't have this

discussion all the time. The country

makes me nervous. There's ... You got

crickets and it-it's quiet ... there's

no place to walk after dinner, and... uh,

there's the screens with the dead moths

behind them, and... uh, yuh got the-the

Manson family possibly, yuh got Dick and

Terry-

ROBIN

(Interrupting)

Okay, okay, my analyst just thinks I'm

too tense. Where's the goddamn Valium?

She fumbles about the floor for the Valium, then back on the bed.

ALVY

Hey, come on, it's quiet now. We can-we

can start again.

ROBIN

I can't.

ALVY

What-

ROBIN

My head is throbbing.

ALVY

Oh, you got a headache!

ROBIN

I have a headache.

ALVY

Bad?

ROBIN

Oswald and ghosts.

ALVY

Jesus!

He begins to get out of bed.

ROBIN

Where are you going?

ALVY

Well, I'm-I'm gonna take another in a

series of cold showers.

EXT. MEN'S LOCKER ROOM OF THE TENNIS CLUB.

Rob and Alvy, carrying tennis rackets, come through the door of the locker

room to the lobby. They are dressed in tennis whites. They walk toward the

indoor court.

ROB

Max, my serve is gonna send yuh to

the showers-

ALVY

Right, right, so g-get back to what we

were discussing, the failure of the

country to get behind New York City is-is

anti-Semitism.

ROB

Max, the city is terribly worried.

ALVY

But the- I'm not discussing politics or

economics. This is foreskin.

ROB

No, no, no, Max, that's a very convenient

out. Every time some group disagrees with

you it's because of anti-Semitism.

ALVY

Don't you see? The rest of the country looks

upon New York like we're-we're left-wing

Communist, Jewish, homosexual, pornographers.

I think of us that way, sometimes, and I-I

live here.

ROB

Max, if we lived in California, we could

play outdoors every day, in the sun.

ALVY

Sun is bad for yuh. Everything our parents

said was good is bad. Sun, milk, red meat,

college ...

INT. TENNIS COURT

Annie and Janet, in tennis whites, stand on the court holding tennis rackets

and balls. They are chattering and giggling.

ANNIE

(Laughing)

I know, but ooh- here he comes. Okay.

Rob and Alvy enter the court and walk over to the two women. Rob kisses Janet

and makes introduction.

ROB

You know Alvy?

JANET

Oh, hi, Alvy.

ANNIE

(To Rob)

How are yuh?

ROB

(To Alvy)

You know Annie?

JANET

I'm sorry. This is Annie Hall.

ALVY

Hi.

ANNIE

Hi.

Annie and Alvy shake hands.

JANET

(Laughing)

Alvy.

ROB

(Eager to begin)

Who's playing who here? Alvy Well, uh ...

you and me against them?

ANNIE

(Overlapping Alvy)

Well ... so ... I can't play too good,

you know.

JANET

(Laughing)

I've had four lessons!

The group, laughing and chatting, divide up-Rob and Annie moving to the other

side of the net, Alvy and Janet standing where they are. They start to play

mixed doubles, each taking turns and playing well. At one point in the game,

Annie starts to talk to Rob, then turns and sees a ball heading toward her.

ALVY

(Hitting the halt back)

Holy gods!

INT. LOBBY

Alvy, dressed, puts things into a gym bag. One knee is on the bench and his

back is turned from the entrance. Annie walks toward the entrance door dressed

in street clothes and carrying her tennis bag over her shoulder. Seeing Alvy,

she stops and turns.

ANNIE

Hi. Hi, hi.

ALVY

(Looking over his shoulder)

Hi. Oh, hi. Hi.

ANNIE

(Hands clasped in front of her,

smiling)

Well, bye. She laughs and backs up slowly

toward the door.

ALVY

(Clearing his throat)

You-you play ... very well.

ANNIE

Oh, yeah? So do you. Oh, God, whatta-

(Making sounds and laughing)

whatta dumb thing to say, right? I mean,

you say it, "You play well," and right

away ... I have to say well. Oh, oh ...

God, Annie.

(She gestures with her hand)

Well ... oh, well ... la-de-da, la-de-da,

la-la.

She turns around and moves toward the door.

ALVY

(Still looking over his shoulder)

Uh ... you-you wanna lift?

ANNIE

(Turning and aiming her thumb over

her shoulder)

Oh, why-uh ... y-y-you gotta car?

ALVY

No, um ... I was gonna take a cab.

ANNIE

(Laughing)

Oh, no, I have a car.

ALVY

You have a car?

(Annie smiles, hands folded in

front of her)

So ...

(Clears his throat)

I don't understand why ... if you have a

car, so then-then wh-why did you say "Do

you have a car?"... like you wanted a lift?

ANNIE

I don't ...

(Laughing)

I don't ... Geez, I don't know, I've ...

I wa- This ... yeah, I got this VW out

there ...

(Laughing and gesturing toward

the door)

What a jerk, yeah. Would you like a lift?

ALVY

(Zipping up his bag)

Sure. W-w-w-which way yuh goin'?

ANNIE

Me? Oh, downtown!

ALVY

Down- I'm-I'm goin' uptown.

ANNIE

(Laughing)

Oh, well, I'm goin' uptown, too.

ALVY

Uh, well, you just said you were going

downtown.

ANNIE

Yeah, well, I'm, but I ...

Alvy picks up his bag and moves toward the door. As he turns his bag around,

the handle of the tennis racket bits Annie between the legs.

ALVY

(Laughing)

So sorry.

ANNIE

(Laughing)

I mean, I can go uptown, too. I live

uptown, but ... uh, what the hell, I mean,

it'd be nice having company, you know

I mean, I hate driving alone.

ALVY

(Making sounds)

Yeah.

They walk out the door.

EXT. NEW YORK STREET- DAY

Alvy and Annie in the VW as Annie speeds down a city street near the East River.

ALVY

So, how long do you know Janet? Where

do you know her from?

ANNIE

(Laughing)

Oh, I'm in her acting class.

ALVY

Oh - you're an actress.

ANNIE

Well, I do commercials, sort of ...

She zooms down the wrong lane, cars swerving out of her way. A horn blows.

ALVY

I, uh ... well, you're not from New

York, right?

ANNIE

No, Chippewa Falls.

ALVY

Right!

(A pause)

Where?

ANNIE

Wisconsin.

ALVY

(Finally reacting)

Uh, you're driving a-

ANNIE

Uh, don't worry, I'm a very-

(A car moves closer to the VW,

almost on top of it in the wrong

direction. Annie swerves away at

the very last minute)

-a very good driver.

(Alvy rubs his head nervously,

staring out the window as Annie

speeds along)

So, listen-hey, you want some gum, anyway?

Annie looks down beside her, searching for the gum.

ALVY

No, no thanks. Hey, don't-

ANNIE

Well, where is it? I-

ALVY

No, no, no, no, you just ... just watch

the road. I'll get it-

ANNIE

Okay.

They both fumble around in her pocketbook. Alvy looks up to see the entire

front of a truck in Annie's windshield. She swerves just in time.

ALVY

-for yuh.

ANNIE

Okay, that's good.

Alvy continues to look for the gum while Annie zooms down the city streets.

ANNIE

All right.

ALVY

I'll getcha a piece.

ANNIE

Yeah ... so, listen-you drive?

ALVY

Do I drive? Uh, no, I gotta-I gotta

problem with driving.

ANNIE

Oh, you do?

ALVY

Yeah. I got, uh, I got a license but I

have too much hostility.

ANNIE

Oh, right.

ALVY

Nice car.

ANNIE

(A bit rapidly)

Huh?

ALVY

You keep it nice.

(He pulls a half-eaten sandwich

out of her bag)

Can I ask you, is this-is this a sandwich?

ANNIE

Huh? Oh, yeah.

EXT. STREET-DAY

Cars are parked on both sides of the street as the VW rounds the corner.

ANNIE

I live over here. Oh, my God! Look!

There's a parking space!

With brakes squealing, Annie turns the VW sharply into the parking spot.

Annie and Alvy get out, Alvy looking over his shoulder as he leaves the car.

ALVY

That's okay, you ... we-we can walk to

the curb from here.

ANNIE

Don't be funny.

ALVY

You want your tennis stuff?

ANNIE

Huh? Oh ... yeah.

ALVY

You want your gear? Here you go.

Alvy reaches into the back of the car and takes out tennis equipment. He

hands her her things. People pass by on the street.

ANNIE

(Laughing)

Yeah, thanks. Thanks a lot. Well...

ALVY

(Sighing)

Well, thanks, thank you. You-you're

a wonderful tennis player.

ANNIE

(Laughing)

Oh.

Alvy shakes hands with Annie.

ALVY

You're the worst driver I've ever seen

in my life . . . that's including any place

... the worst ... Europe, United ... any

place ... Asia.

ANNIE

(Laughing)

Yeah.

ALVY

And I love what you're wearin'.

Alvy touches the tie Annie is wearing around her neck.

ANNIE

Oh, you do? Yeah? Oh, well, it's uh

... this is, uh ... this tie is a present,

from Grammy Hall.

Annie flips the bottom of the tie.

ALVY

Who? Grammy? Grammy Hall?

ANNIE

(Laughing and nodding her head)

Yeah, my grammy.

ALVY

You're jo- Whatta yuh kid- What did you

do, grow up in a Norman Rockwell painting?

ANNIE

(Laughing)

Yeah, I know.

ALVY

Your grammy!

ANNIE

I know, it's pretty silly, isn't it?

ALVY

Jesus, my-my grammy ... n-never gave

gifts, you know. She-she was too busy

getting raped by Cossacks.

ANNIE

(Laughing)

Well ...

ALVY

Well ... thank you again.

ANNIE

Oh, yeah, yeah.

ALVY

I'll see yuh.

ANNIE

(Overlapping, gesturing)

Hey, well, listen ... hey, you wanna

come upstairs and, uh ... and have a

glass of wine and something? Aw, no,

I mean ... I mean, you don't have to,

you're probably late and everything else ...

ALVY

No, no, that'll be fine. I don't mind. Sure.

ANNIE

You sure?

ALVY

(Overlapping)

No, I got time.

ANNIE

Okay.

ALVY

Sure, I got ... I got nothing, uh,

nothing till my analyst's appointment.

They move toward Annie's apartment building.

ANNIE

Oh, you see an analyst?

ALVY

Y-y-yeah, just for fifteen years.

ANNIE

Fifteen years?

ALVY

Yeah, uh, I'm gonna give him one more

year and then I'm goin' to Lourdes.

ANNIE

Fifteen-aw, come on, you're . . . yeah,

really?

INT. ANNIE'S APARTMENT

Alvy, standing, looks around the apartment. There are lots of books, framed

photographs on the white wall. A terrace can be seen from the window. He

picks up a copy of Ariet, by Sylvia Platb, as Annie comes out of the kitchen

carrying two glasses. She hands them to Alvy.

ALVY

Sylvia Plath.

ANNIE

M'hm...

ALVY

Interesting poetess whose tragic suicide

was misinterpreted as romantic, by the

college-girl mentality.

ANNIE

Oh, yeah.

ALVY

Oh, sorry.

ANNIE

Right. Well, I don't know, I mean, uh,

some of her poems seem - neat, you know.

ALVY

Neat?

ANNIE

Neat, yeah.

ALVY

Uh, I hate to tell yuh, this is nineteen

seventy-five, you know that "neat" went

out, I would say, at the turn of the

century.

(Annie laughs)

Who-who are-who are those photos on

the wall?

ANNIE

(Moving over to the photographs)

Oh ... oh, well, you see now now, uh,

that's my dad, that's Father-and that's

my ... brother, Duane.

ALVY

Duane?

ANNIE

(Pointing)

Yeah, right, Duane-and over there is

Grammy Hall, and that's Sadie.

ALVY

Well, who's Sadie?

ANNIE

Sadie? Oh, well, Sadie...

(Laughing)

Sadie met Grammy through, uh, through

Grammy's brother George. Uh, George was

real sweet, you know, he had that thing.

What is that thing where you, uh, where

you, uh, fall asleep in the middle of a

sentence, you know-what is it? Uh ...

ALVY

Uh, narcolepsy.

ANNIE

Narcolepsy, right, right. Right. So,

anyway, so ...

(Laughing)

George, uh, went to the union, see, to

get his free turkey, be-because, uh, the

union always gave George this big turkey

at Christmas time because he was ...

(Annie points her fingers to each

side of her head, indicating George

was a little crazy)

shell-shocked, you know what I mean, in the

First World War.

(Laughing hysterically, she opens

a cabinet door and takes out a

bottle of wine)

Anyway, so, so ...

(Laughing through the speech)

George is standing in line, oh, just a sec

...uh, getting his free turkey, but the

thing is, he falls asleep and he never

wakes up. So, so...

(Laughing)

so, he's dead ...

(Laughing)

he's dead. Yeah. Oh, dear. Well,

terrible, huh, wouldn't you say? I

mean, that's pretty unfortunate.

Annie unscrews the bottle of wine, silent now after her speech.

ALVY

Yeah, it's a great story, though, I

mean, I... I ... it really made my day.

Hey, I think I should get outta here,

you know, 'cause I think I'm imposing,

you know ...

ANNIE

(Laughing)

Oh, really? Oh, well ... uh, uh, maybe,

uh, maybe, we, uh ...

ALVY

... and ... uh, yeah, uh ... uh, you

know, I-I-I...

They move outside to the terrace, Alvy still holding the glasses, Annie the

wine. They stand in front of the railing, Annie pouring the wine into the

held-out glasses.

ANNIE

Well, I mean, you don't have to, you know.

ALVY

No, I know, but ... but, you know, I'm

all perspired and everything.

ANNIE

Well, didn't you take, uh ... uh, a

shower at the club?

ALVY

Me? No, no, no, 'cause I never shower

in a public place.

ANNIE

(Laughing)

Why not?

ALVY

'Cause I don't like to get naked in front

of another man, you know-it's, uh ...

ANNIE

(Laughing)

Oh, I see, I see.

ALVY

You know, I don't like to show my body

to a man of my gender-

ANNIE

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I see. I guess-

ALVY

-'cause, uh, you never know what's

gonna happen.

ANNIE

(Sipping her wine and laughing)

Fifteen years, huh?

ALVY

Fifteen years, yeah.

ANNIE

Yeah. Oh, God bless!

They put their glasses together in a toast.

ALVY

God bless.

ANNIE

(Laughing)

Well, uh ...

(Pausing)

You're what Grammy Hall would call a

real Jew.

ALVY

(Clearing his throat)

Oh, thank you.

ANNIE

(Smiling)

Yeah, well ... you-She hates Jews. She

thinks that they just make money, but let

me tell yuh, I mean, she's the one yeah,

is she ever. I'm tellin' yuh.

ALVY

(pointing toward the apartment

after a short pause)

So, did you do shoot the photographs

in there or what?

ANNIE

(Nodding, her hand on her hip)

Yeah, yeah, I sorta dabble around, you know.

Annie's thoughts pop on the screen as she talks: I dabble? Listen to me-what

a jerk!

ALVY

They're ... they're... they're wonderful,

you know. They have ... they have, uh

... a ... a quality.

As do Alvy's: You are a great-looking girl

ANNIE

Well, I-I-I would-I would like to take

a serious photography course soon.

Again, Annie's thoughts pop on: He probably thinks I'm a yo-yo

ALVY

Photography's interesting, 'cause, you

know, it's-it's a new art form, and a,

uh, a set of aesthetic criteria have

not emerged yet.

And Alvy's: I wonder what she looks like naked?

ANNIE

Aesthetic criteria? You mean, whether

it's, uh, good photo or not?

I'm not smart enough for him. Hang in there

ALVY

The-the medium enters in as a condition

of the art form itself. That's-

I don't know what I'm saying-she senses I'm shallow

ANNIE

Well, well, I ... to me-I ... I mean,

it's-it's-it's all instinctive, you

know. I mean, I just try to uh, feel

it, you know? I try to get a sense of

it and not think about it so much.

God, I hope he doesn't turn out to be a shmuck like the others

ALVY

Still, still we- You need a set of

aesthetic guide lines to put it in

social perspective, I think.

Christ, I sound like FM radio. Relax

They're quiet for a moment, holding wine glasses and sipping. The sounds of

distant traffic from the street can be heard on the terrace. Annie, laughing,

speaks first.

ANNIE

Well, I don't know. I mean, I guess-I

guess you must be sorta late, huh?

ALVY

You know, I gotta get there and begin

whining soon ... otherwise I- Hey ...

well, are you busy Friday night?

ANNIE

Me? Oh, uh.

(Laughing)

No.

ALVY

(Putting his band on his forehead)

Oh, I'm sorry, wait a minute, I have

something. Well, what about Saturday

night?

ANNIE

(Nodding)

Oh ... nothing. Not-no, no!

ALVY

Oh, you ... you're very popular, I can see.

ANNIE

(Laughing)

I know.

ALVY

Gee, boy, what do you have? You have

plague?

ANNIE

Well, I mean, I meet a lot of ... jerks,

you know-

ALVY

Yeah, I meet a lotta jerks, too.

ANNIE

(Overlapping)

-what I mean?

ALVY

I think that's, uh-

ANNIE

(Interrupting)

But I'm thinking about getting some

cats, you know, and then they ... Oh,

wait a second-oh, no, no, I mean

(Laughing)

oh, shoot! No, Saturday night I'm

gonna-

(Laughing)

gonna sing. Yeah.

ALVY

You're gonna sing? Do you sing? Well,

no, it isn't

(Overlapping)

No kidding?

(Overlapping)

-this is my first time. Oh, really? Where?

I'd like to come.

(Laughing)

Oh, no, no, no, no, no! No, I'm interested!

ANNIE

(Laughing)

Oh, no-I mean, I'm just a-auditioning

sort of at club. I don't-

ALVY

(Overlapping)

No, so help me.

ANNIE

(Overlapping)

-it's my first time.

ALVY

That's okay, 'cause I know exactly what

that's like. Listen-

ANNIE

(Interrupting)

Yeah.

ALVY

(Overlapping)

-you're gonna like night clubs, they're

really a lotta fun.

INT. NIGHT CLUB-NIGHT

Annie stands on center stage with a microphone, a pianist behind her. A

Bright light is focused on her; the rest of the club is in darkness. There

are the typical sounds and movements of a nightclub audience: low conversation,

curling smoke, breaking glass, microphone bum, moving chairs, waiters

clattering trays, a ringing phone as Annie sings "It Had to Be You.

EXT. CITY STREET-NIGHT.

Alvy and Annie walk quickly down the sidewalk.

ANNIE

I was awful. I'm so ashamed! I can't

sing.

ALVY

Oh, listen, so the audience was a tad

restless.

ANNIE

Whatta you mean, a tad restless? Oh,

my God, I mean, they hated me.

ALVY

No, they didn't. You have a wonderful

voice.

ANNIE

No, I'm gonna quit!

ALVY

No, I'm not gonna letcha. You have a

great voice.

ANNIE

Really, do you think so, really?

ALVY

Yeah!

ANNIE

Yeah?

ALVY

It's terrific.

ANNIE

(Overlapping)

Yeah, you know something? I never even

took a lesson, either.

They stop in the middle of the sidewalk. Alvy turns Annie around to face him.

ALVY

Hey, listen, listen.

ANNIE

What?

ALVY

Gimme a kiss.

ANNIE

Really?

ALVY

Yeah, why not, because we're just gonna

go home later, right?

ANNIE

Yeah.

ALVY

And-and uh, there's gonna be all that

tension. You know, we never kissed before

and I'll never know when to make the right

move or anything. So we'll kiss now we'll

get it over with and then we'll go eat. Okay?

ANNIE

Oh, all right.

ALVY

And we'll digest our food better.

ANNIE

Okay.

ALVY

Okay?

ANNIE

Yeah.

They kiss.

ALVY

So now we can digest our food.

They turn and start walking again.

ANNIE

We can digest our-

ALVY

Okay. Yeah.

INT. DELI-NIGHT

Annie and Alvy sit down in a booth. The deli is fairly well lit and crowded.

Conversation, plates clattering, can be heard over the dialogue. The waiter

comes over to them to take their order.

ALVY

(To the waiter)

I'm gonna have a corned beef.

ANNIE

(To the waiter)

Yeah ... oh, uh, and I'm gonna have a

pastrami on white bread with, uh,

mayonnaise and tomatoes and lettuce.

(Alvy involuntarily makes a face

as the waiter leaves)

Tsch, so, uh, your second wife left you

and, uh, were you depressed about that?

ALVY

Nothing that a few mega-vitamins couldn't

cure.

ANNIE

Oh. And your first wife was Allison?

ALVY

My first... Yes, she was nice, but you

know, uh, it was my fault. I was just...

I was too crazy.

ANNIE

Oh.

INT. DARKENED BEDROOM-NIGHT

Alvy and Annie in bed together.

ANNIE

M'm, that was so nice. That was nice.

ALVY

As Balzac said ...

ANNIE

H'm?

ALVY

"There goes another novel."

(They laugh)

Jesus, you were great.

ANNIE

Oh, yeah?

ALVY

Yeah.

ANNIE

Yeah?

ALVY

Yeah, I'm-I'm-I'm a wreck.

ANNIE

No.

(She turns and looks at Alvy,

then laughs)

You're a wreck.

ALVY

Really. I mean it. I-I'll never play

the piano again.

ANNIE

(Lighting a joint and laughing)

You're really nuts. I don't know, you

really thought it was good? Tell me.

ALVY

Good? I was-

ANNIE

(Overlapping)

No.

ALVY

No, that was the most fun I've ever

had without laughing.

ANNIE

(Laughing)

Here, you want some?

ALVY

No, no, I-I-i, uh, I don't use any

major hallucinogenics because I took

a puff like five years ago at a party and

ANNIE

Yeah?

ALVY

-tried to take my pants off over my

head ...

(Annie laughs)

... my ear.

ANNIE

Oh, I don't know, I don't really. I

don't do it very often, you know, just

sort of, er ... relaxes me at first.

ALVY

M'hm.

(He pushes himself up from the

bed and looks down at Annie)

You're not gonna believe this, but-

ANNIE

What? What?

CUT TO:

INT. BOOKSTORE-DAY

Annie and Alvy browsing in crowded bookstore. Alvy, carrying two books,

"Death and Western Thought" and "The Denial of Death", moves over to where

Annie is looking.

ALVY

Hey?

ANNIE

H'm?

ALVY

I-I-I'm gonna buy you these books, I

think, because I-I think you should

read them. You know, instead of that

cat book.

ANNIE

(Looking at the books Alvy

is bolding)

That's, uh ...

(Laughing)

that's pretty serious stuff there.

ALVY

Yeah, 'cause I-I'm, you know, I'm,

I'm obsessed with-with, uh, with death,

I think. Big-

ANNIE

(Overlapping)

Yeah?

ALVY

-big subject with me, yeah.

ANNIE

Yeah?

They move over to the cashier line.

ALVY

(Gesturing)

I've a very pessimistic view of life.

You should know this about me if we're

gonna go out, you know. I-I-I feel that

life is-is divided up into the horrible

and the miserable.

ANNIE

M'hm.

ALVY

Those are the two categories ...

ANNIE

M'hm.

ALVY

... you know, they're- The-the horrible

would be like, uh, I don't know, terminal

cases, you know?

ANNIE

M'hm.

ALVY

And blind people, crippled ...

ANNIE

Yeah.

ALVY

I don't-don't know how they get through

life. It's amazing to me.

ANNIE

M'hm.

ALVY

You know, and the miserable is everyone

else. That's-that's all. So-so when

you go through life you should be thankful

that you're miserable, because that's-

You're very lucky ... to be ...

(Overlapping Annie's laughter)

... to be miserable.

ANNIE

U-huh.

EXT. PARK-DAY

It's a beautiful sunny day in Central Park. People are sitting on benches,

others strolling, some walking dogs. One woman stands feeding cooing pigeons.

Alvy's and Annie's voices are heard off screen as they observe the scene before

them. An older man and woman walk into view.

ALVY

Look, look at that guy.

ANNIE

M'hm.

ALVY

There's-there's-there's-there's Mr.

When-in-the-Pink, Mr. Miami Beach, there,

you know?

(Over Annie's laughter)

He's the latest! just came back from

the gin-rummy farm last night. He

placed third.

ANNIE

(Laughing)

M'hm. Yeah. Yeah.

The camera shows them sitting side by side relaxed on a bench.

ALVY

(Watching two men approach, one

lighting a cigar)

Look at these guys.

ANNIE

Yeah.

ALVY

Oh, that's hilarious. They're back

from Fire Island. They're ... they're

sort of giving it a chance-you know what

I mean?

ANNIE

Oh! Italian, right?

ALVY

Yeah, he's the Mafia. Linen Supply Business

or Cement and Contract, you know what I mean?

ANNIE

(Laughing)

Oh, yeah.

ALVY

No, I'm serious.

(Over Annie's laughter)

I just got my mustache wet.

ANNIE

Oh, yeah?

ALVY

(As another man walks by)

And there's the winner of the Truman

Capote look-alike contest.

EXT. STREET-NIGHT

Alvy and Annie walk almost in silhouette along the dock, the New York City

skyline in the background. Alvy has his arm around Annie and they walk slowly.

No one else is around.

ANNIE

You see, like you and I ...

ALVY

You are extremely sexy.

ANNIE

No, I'm not.

ALVY

Unbelievably sexy. Yes, you are.

Because ... you know what you are?

You're-you're polymorphously perverse.

ANNIE

Well, what does-what does that mean?

I don't know what that is.

ALVY

Uh ... uh, you're-you're exceptional

in bed because you got -you get pleasure

in every part of your body when I touch you.

ANNIE

Ooooh!

They stop walking. Holding Annie's arms, Alvy turns her to face him. The

South Street Bridge, lit up for the night, is in the background.

ALVY

You know what I mean? Like the tip

o'your nose, and if I stroke your teeth

or your kneecaps ... you get excited.

ANNIE

Come on.

(Laughing)

Yeah. You know what? You know, I

like you, I really mean it. I really do

like you.

ALVY

You- Do you love me?

ANNIE

Do I love you?

ALVY

That's the key question.

ANNIE

Yeah.

ALVY

I know you've only known me a short

while.

ANNIE

Well, I certainly ... I think that's

very- Yeah, yeah ...

(Laughing)

yeah. Do you love me?

ALVY

I-uh, love is, uh, is too weak a word

for what...

ANNIE

Yeah.

ALVY

- I ... I love you.

(Over Annie's laughter)

You know I lo-ove you, I-I love you.

(Over Annie's laughter)

I-I have to invent- Of course I love you.

ANNIE

Yeah.

ALVY

(Putting his arms around her neck)

Don't you think I do?

ANNIE

I dunno.

They kiss as a foghorn sounds in the distance.

INT. ALVY'S APARTMENT

Alvy, somewhat distraught, is following Annie around his apartment, which is

filled with boxes and suitcases, clothes and framed pictures. They both carry

cartons.

ALVY

Whatta you mean? You're not gonna give

up your own apartment, are you?

ANNIE

(Putting down the carton)

Of course.

ALVY

Yeah, bu-bu-but why?

ANNIE

Well, I mean, I'm moving in with you,

that's why.

ALVY

Yeah, but you-you got a nice apartment.

ANNIE

I have a tiny apartment.

ALVY

Yeah, I know it's small.

ANNIE

(Picking up the suitcases and

walking into the bedroom)

That's right, and it's got bad plumbing

and bugs.

ALVY

(Picking up some pictures and

following Annie into the bedroom)

All right, granted, it has bad plumbing

and bugs, but you-you say that like it's a

negative thing. You know, bugs are-are-uh,

entomology is a ...

(Annie, reacting, tosses the

suitcases and some loose clothing

onto the bed. She sits down on the

edge, looking away. Alvy walks in,

pictures and carton in band, still

talking)

... rapidly growing field.

ANNIE

You don't want me to live with you?

ALVY

How- I don't want you to live with me?

How- Whose idea was it?

ANNIE

Mine.

ALVY

Ye-ah. Was it ... It was yours actually,

but, uh, I approved it immediately.

ANNIE

I guess you think that I talked you into

something, huh?

(putting pictures on the mantel)

ALVY

No-what, what ...? I ... we live together,

we sleep together, we eat together. Jesus,

you don't want it to be like we're married,

do yuh?

He moves over to the carton of books on the window seat and reaches in. He

starts tossing books off screen.

ANNIE

(Looking up at Alvy)

How is it any different?

ALVY

(Gesturing)

It's different 'cause you keep your own

apartment.

(Holding a book, he starts walking

around the room)

Because you know it's there, we don't

have to go to it, we don't have to deal

with it, but it's like a-a-a free-floating

life raft ... that we know that we're not

married.

He tosses the book on the bed and walks back to the window seat.

ANNIE

(Still sitting on the bed)

That little apartment is four hundred

dollars a month, Alvy.

ALVY

(Looking at Annie)

That place is four hundred dollars a month?

ANNIE

Yes, it is.

ALVY

(Whistling)

It's-it's got bad plumbing and bugs. Jesus,

I'll-My accountant will write it off as a

tax deduction, I'll pay for it.

ANNIE

(Shaking her head)

You don't think I'm smart enough to be

serious about.

ALVY

Hey, don't be ridiculous.

Alvy moves over to the bed and sits down next to Annie.

ANNIE

Then why are you always pushing me to take

those college courses like I was dumb or

something?

ALVY

(Putting his hand to his forehead)

'Cause adult education's a wonderful thing.

You meet a lotta interesting professors.

You know, it's stimulating.

EXT. COUNTRY HIGHWAY - DAY

Annie and Alvy, in Annie's VW, driving to their summerhouse. The camera moves

with them as they pass a house with a lighted window, blooming foliage. There

is no dialogue, but it is a comfortable quiet. Classical music plays in the

background.

CUT TO:

INT. COUNTRY HOUSE - NIGHT

Annie, sitting cross-legged on a wooden chest in the bedroom, is browsing

through a school catalogue. Alvy lies in bed reading.

ANNIE

(Reading)

Does this sound like a good course?

Uh, "Modern American Poetry"? Uh, or,

uh-let's see now ... maybe I should, uh,

take "Introduction to the Novel."

ALVY

Just don't take any course where they

make you read Beowulf.

ANNIE

What?

(Laughing)

Hey, listen, what-what do you think? Do

you think we should, uh, go to that-that

party in Southampton tonight?

Alvy leans over and kisses her shoulder.

ALVY

No, don't be silly. What-what do we need

other people for?

(He puts his arms around her neck,

kissing her, Annie making muffled

sounds)

You know, we should-we should just turn

out the lights, you know, and play hide

and seek or something.

ANNIE

(Laughing)

Well, okay. Well, listen, I'm gonna get

a cigarette, okay?

ALVY

(Yelling out to her as she leaves

the room)

Yeah, grass, right? The illusion that

it will make a white woman more like

Billie Holiday.

ANNIE

(Off screen)

Well, have you ever made love high?

ALVY

Me, no. You ... I-I-you know, if I

have grass or alcohol or anything I

get unbearably wonderful. I get too,

too wonderful for words. You know,

I don't-I don't know why you have to,

uh, get high every time we make love.

ANNIE

(Moving back into the room and

lighting a joint)

It relaxes me.

ALVY

Oh, you-you have to be artificially

relaxed before we can go to bed?

ANNIE

(Closing the door)

Well, what's the difference, anyway?

ALVY

Well, I'll give you a shot of sodium

pentothal. You can sleep through it.

ANNIE

Oh, come on, look who's talking. You've

been seeing a psychiatrist for fifteen years.

(She gets into bed and takes a

puff of marijuana)

You should smoke some o' this. You'd be

off the couch in no time.

ALVY

Oh, come, you don't need that.

Alvy, sitting down on the bed, moves over to Annie and takes the weed from her.

ANNIE

What are you doing?

ALVY

(Kissing her)

No, no, no, what ... You can once, you

can live without it once. Come on.

ANNIE

Oh, no, Alvy, please. Alvy, please.

(Laughing and making sounds)

M'mrnm.

ALVY

M'm, wait, I got a great idea.

(He gets up and goes over to the

closet, taking out a light bulb.

He goes back to the bed and turns

out the lamp on the night table)

Hang in there for a second. I got a

little-little artifact. A little erotic

artifact, that-that I brought up from the

city, which I think, uh, is gonna be perfect.

(He turns the lamp back on, having

replaced the bulb with the red one

from the closet)

I just ... there ... There's a little Old

New Orleans ... essence. Now-now we can go

about our business here and we can even

develop photographs if we want to. There,

now there.

(He undresses and crawls into bed,

taking Annie in his arms)

M'mmm. M'mmm. Hey, is something wrong?

ANNIE

Uh-uh-why?

ALVY

I don't know. You- It's like you're-

you're removed.

ANNIE

No, I'm fine.

As Annie speaks, her inner self (ghostlike, moves up from the bed and) sits

down on a chair, watching.

ALVY

Really?

ANNIE

U-huh.

ALVY

I don't know, but you seem sort of distant.

ANNIE

Let's just do it, all right?

ALVY

(Kissing and caressing Annie)

Is it my imagination or are you just

going through the motions?

ANNIE'S SPIRIT

Alvy, do you remember where I put my

drawing pad? Because while you two are

doing that, I think I'm gonna do some

drawing.

ALVY

(Reacting)

You see, that's what I call removed.

ANNIE

Oh, you have my body.

ALVY

Yeah, but that's not-that's no good.

I want the whole thing.

ANNIE

(Sighing)

Well, I need grass and so do you.

ALVY

Well, it ruins it for me if you have grass

(Clearing his throat)

because, you know, I'm, like, a comedian-

ANNIE

(Overlapping)

M'hm.

ALVY

(Overlapping)

-so if I get a laugh from a person who's

high, it doesn't count. You know-'cause

they're always laughin'.

ANNIE

Were you always funny?

ALVY

Hey, what is this-an interview? We're

supposed to be making love.

CUT TO:

INT. OFFICE.

A typical old-fashioned theatrical agency in a Broadway office building.

Autographed 8 X 12 is plastered in the sloppy room. The agent, chewing a

cigar, sits behind his desk talking to one of his clients, a comedian, who

stands with his hands in his pockets. A young Alvy sits stiffly in a chair

nearby watching.

AGENT

This guy is naturally funny. I think

he can write for you.

COMIC

(Buttoning his jacket)

Yeah, yeah. Hey, kid, he tells me you're

really good. Well, lemme explain a little

bit o' how I work. You know, you can tell

right off the bat that I don't look like

a funny guy when I come-you know, like some

o' the guys that come out. You know, right

away

(Gesturing)

they're gonna tell yuh their stories, you're

gonna fall down, but I gotta be really

talented. Material's gotta be sensational

for me 'cause I work, you know, with very,

very ... Come on, I'm kinda classy, you

know what I mean? Uh ... uh ... lemme

explain. For instance, I open with an

opening song. A musical start like

(Ad-lib singing)

and I walk out

(Ad-lib singing)

"Place looks wonderful from here and

you folks look wonderful from here!

(Singing)

"And seein' you there

With a smile on your face

Makes me shout

This must be the place."

Then I stop right in the middle and then

I open with some jokes. Now, that's where

I need you, right there. For instance, like

I say, "Hey, I just got back from Canada,

you know, they speak a lotta French up

there. The only way to remember Jeanne

d'Arc means the light's out in the bathroom!"

(He laughs. Seated Alvy looks

up smiling)

"Oh, I met a big lumberjack ..."

ALVY'S VOICE

(To himself)

Jesus, this guy's pathetic.

COMIC

(Overlapping above speech)

... big lumberjack ...

ALVY'S VOICE

(To himself while the comic

continues his routine)

Look at him mincing around, like he

thinks he's real cute. You wanna throw

up. If only I had the nerve to do my

own jokes. I don't know how much longer

I can keep this smile frozen on my face.

I'm in the wrong business, I know it.

COMIC

(Overlapping above speech)

"'Cherie, come back. I love you.

(Shaking his lips and mimicking)

But, uh, Cheri, what will I do with this,

uh?' He says, 'Aw, Marie, sometime you

make me so mad."'

(Laughing)

Oh, they scream at that. Now, write me

somethin' like that, will yuh? Kinda

French number, can yuh do it? Huh, kid?

INT. THEATER - NIGHT

The darkened auditorium is filled with college students applauding and cheering,

excited, as Alvy stands on spotlighted stage holding the microphone.

ALVY

(Gesturing)

W-where am I? I-I keep ... I have to

reorient myself. This is the University

of Wisconsin, right? So I'm always ...

I'm tense and ... uh, when I'm playin' a

col- I've a very bad history with colleges.

You know, I went to New York University and,

uh, tsch, I was thrown out of NYU my freshman

year ... for cheating on my metaphysics final.

You know, I looked within the soul of the

boy sitting next to me-

(The audience laughs; they're with him)

-and when I was thrown out, my mother,

who's an emotionally high-strung woman,

locked herself in the bathroom and took an

overdose of mah-jongg tiles.

(More applause and laughter)

And, uh, tsch, I was depressed. I was ...

in analysis, I-I, uh, was suicidal; as a

matter of fact, uh, I would have killed

myself but I was in analysis with a strict

Freudian and if you kill yourself ... they

make you pay for the sessions you miss.

INT. BACKSTAGE OF THEATER.

Students mill around Alvy banding him pens and paper for autographs.

Annie is next to him, talking over the chattering fans.

ANNIE

Alvy, you were ... Alvy, you were just

great, I'm not kidding. It was- You

were so neat.

ALVY

C-c-coll- College audiences are so wonderful.

ANNIE

Yeah. Yeah. And you know something?

I think that I'm starting to get more

of your references, too.

ALVY

Are yuh?

ANNIE

Yeah.

ALVY

Well, the twelve o'clock show is

completely different than the nine.

YOUNG WOMAN

(Interrupting)

May I have your autograph?

ANNIE

(Over lapping above speech)

Oh.

ALVY

(To Annie, while autographing)

You're so sure about it.

ANNIE

Oh, I'm really, uh, looking forward to

tomorrow. I mean, you know, I think that

it'll be really nice to meet Mother and

Father.

They start moving toward the exit, a girl snapping a picture of Alvy with a

flash camera as they walk through the crowd.

ALVY

Yeah, I know, they'll hate me immediately.

(To one of his fans)

Thank you.

ANNIE

No, I don't think so. No, I don't think

they're gonna hate you at all. On the

contrary, I think-

ALVY

Yeah.

ANNIE

It's Easter. You know, we'll have a nice

dinner, we'll sit down and eat. I think

they're gonna really like you.

EXT. ANNIE'S PARENTS' HOME-DAY

The camera shows a neat two-story house surrounded by a well-manicured green

lawn, then cuts to:

INT. DINING ROOM.

Alvy and the Halls are eating Easter dinner. The sun is pouring through a big

picture window, shining on a large, elegantly laid out table. Alvy sits, at one

end,- rubbing his nose and chewing, the Halls flanking him on either side: Mr.

and Mrs. Hall, Grammy, and Annie's brother, Duane.

MOM HALL

(Holding her wine glass)

It's a nice ham this year, Mom.

Grammy Hall takes a sip of her wine and nods.

ANNIE

(Smiling at Duane)

Oh, yeah. Grammy always does such

a good job.

DAD HALL

(Chewing)

A great sauce.

ALVY

It is.

(Smacking his lips)

It's dynamite ham.

Grammy Hall stares down the table at Alvy; a look of utter dislike. Alvy tries

not to notice.

MOM HALL

(To Dad Hall, smoothing her hair)

We went over to the swap meet. Annie,

Gram and I. Got some nice picture frames.

ANNIE

We really had a good time.

Grammy continues to stare at Alvy; he is now dressed in the long black coat and

hat of the Orthodox Jew, complete with mustache and heard.

MOM HALL

(Lighting a cigarette and turning

to Alvy)

Ann tells us that you've been seeing a

psychiatrist for fifteen years.

ALVY

(Setting down his glass and coughing)

Yes. I'm making excellent progress.

Pretty soon when I lie down on his couch,

I won't have to wear the lobster bib.

Mom Hall reacts by sipping from her glass and frowning. Grammy continues to

stare.

DAD HALL

Duane and I went out to the boat basin.

DUANE

We were caulkin' holes all day.

DAD HALL

Yeah.

(Laughing)

Randolph Hunt was drunk, as usual.

MOM HALL

Oh, that Randolph Hunt. You remember

Randy Hunt, Annie. He was in the choir

with you.

ANNIE

Oh, yes, yes.

Alvy, leaning his elbow on the table, looks out toward the camera.

ALVY

(To the audience)

I can't believe this family.

(Making chewing sounds)

Annie's mother. She really's beautiful.

And they're talkin' swap meets and boat

basins, and the old lady at the end of

the table

(Pointing to Grammy)

is a classic Jew hater. And, uh, they,

they realty look American, you know,

very healthy and ... like they never

get sick or anything. Nothing like my

family. You know, the two are like oil

and water.

The screen splits in half - on the right is Alvy's family - his mother, father,

aunt and uncle-busily eating at the crowded kitchen table. They eat quickly

and interrupt one another loudly. On the left the Halls in their dining room.

Both dialogues overlap, juxtaposed.

ALVY'S FATHER

Let 'im drop dead! Who needs his

business?!

ALVY'S MOTHER

His wife has diabetes!

ALVY'S FATHER

Di-diabetes? Is that any excuse?

Diabetes?

ALVY'S UNCLE

The man is fifty years old and doesn't

have a substantial job.

ALVY'S AUNT

(Putting more meat on her

husband's plate)

Is that a reason to steal from his father?

ALVY'S UNCLE

Whatta you talkin' about? You don't

know what you're talking about.

ALVY'S AUNT

Yes, I know what I'm talking about.

ALVY'S MOTHER

(Interrupting)

George, defend him!

ALVY'S UNCLE

(Over Alvy's father's muttering)

No Moskowitz he had a coronary.

ALVY'S AUNT

You don't say.

ALVY'S MOTHER

We fast.

MOM HALL

Stupid Thelma Poindexter ... to the

Veterans Hospital.

DAD HALL

My God, he's the new president of the

El Regis. Let me tell you, the man is

somethin' else.

MOM HALL

That's Jack's wife. We used to make

that outta raisins.

ANNIE

Oh, yes, that's right. Did you see

the new play?

MOM HALL

Oh, you remember her, Annie.

ANNIE

Yes, I do.

The two families start talking back and forth to one another. The screen is

still split.

MOM HALL

How do you plan to spend the holidays,

Mrs. Singer?

DAD HALL

Fast?

ALVY'S FATHER

Yeah, no food. You know, we have to

atone for our sins.

MOM HALL

What sins? I don't understand.

ALVY'S FATHER

Tell you the truth, neither do we.

CUT TO:

INT. DUANE'S BEDROOM-NIGHT

Duane, sitting on his bed, sees Alvy walking past the open door.

DUANE

Alvy.

ALVY

(Walking in)

Oh, hi, Duane, how's it goin'?

DUANE

This is my room.

ALVY

(Looking around)

Oh, yeah?

(He clears his throat)

Terrific.

DUANE

Can I confess something?

Alvy sighs and sits down, leaning his arm on Duane's dresser. Duane's face is

big lighted by a single lamp.

DUANE

I tell you this because, as an artist,

I think you'll understand. Sometimes

when I'm driving ... on the road at night

... I see two headlights coming toward me.

Fast. I have this sudden impulse to turn

the wheel quickly, head-on into the

oncoming car. I can anticipate the

explosion. The sound of shattering glass.

The ... flames rising out of the flowing

gasoline.

ALVY

(Reacting and clearing his throat)

Right. Tsch, well, I have to-I have

t-o go now, Duane, because I-I'm due

back on the planet earth.

He slowly gets up and moves toward the door.

INT. THE HALLS' LIVING ROOM.

Mom and Dad Hall walk into the living room; Annie is with them.

MOM HALL

Now, don't let it be so long, now.

ANNIE

No.

DAD HALL

And look up Uncle Bill, you promise.

ANNIE

Okay. Okay.

MOM HALL

Oh, he's adorable, Annie.

ANNIE

You think so? Do you really?

MOM HALL

We're going to take them to the airport.

DAD HALL

Oh, no-Duane can. I haven't finished

my drink.

ANNIE

Yes, Duane is. I'll be right-

MOM HALL

M'mmm.

ANNIE

I just have time to get the, uh-

She walks out of the room as Mom and Dad Hall kiss.

EXT. ROAD - NIGHT

Duane, behind the wheel, stares straight ahead. It is raining very hard, the

windshield wipers are moving quickly. The headlights of another car brightens

the interior of Duane's car as the camera shows first Duane, then Annie, then

Alvy tensely staring straight ahead.

EXT. STREET- DAY

The camera bolds on a quiet New York City street; the buildings, brownstones.

It's a warm day-people sit on front stoops, window boxes are planted. Annie

walks into the frame first, then Alvy, who is walking to her right. They walk

quickly, side by side, their voices heard before they move into the frame.

ANNIE

(Off screen)

You followed me. I can't believe it!

ALVY

(Off screen)

I didn't follow you!

ANNIE

You followed me!

ALVY

Why? 'Cause I ... was walkin' along

a block behind you staring at you?

That's not following!

ANNIE

Well, what is your definition of

following?

ALVY

(Gasping)

Following is different. I was spying.

ANNIE

Do you realize how paranoid you are?

ALVY

Paranoid? I'm looking at you. You

got your arms around another guy.

ANNIE

That is the worst kind of paranoia.

ALVY

Yeah-well, I didn't start out spying.

I-I thought I'd surprise yuh. Pick you

up after school.

ANNIE

Yeah-well, you wanted to keep the

relationship flexible, remember?

It's your phrase.

ALVY

Oh, stop it. But you were having an

affair with your college professor.

That jerk that teaches that incredible

crap course "Contemporary Crisis in

Western Man"!

ANNIE

"Existential Motifs in Russian Literature"!

You're really close.

ALVY

What's the difference? It's all mental

masturbation.

ANNIE

(Stopping for a moment)

Oh, well, now we're finally getting to

a subject you know something about!

She walks away.

ALVY

(Catching up to her)

Hey, don't knock masturbation! It's

sex with someone I love.

ANNIE

(Continuing to walk quickly)

We're not having an affair. He's married.

He just happens to think I'm neat.

ALVY

(Still walking next to her)

"Neat"! There's that- What are you-twelve

years old? That's one o' your Chippewa

Falls expressions! "He thinks I'm neat."

ANNIE

Who cares? Who cares?

ALVY

Next thing you know he'll find you keen

and peachy, you know? Next thing you

know he's got his hand on your ass!

They both stop in the middle of the street.

ANNIE

You've always had hostility toward

David ever since I mentioned him!

ALVY

David? You call your teacher David?

ANNIE

It's his name.

ALVY

Well, listen, that's, a nice bi-it's

a biblical name. Right? W-What does

he call you? Bathsheba?

He walks away.

ANNIE

(Calling after him)

Alvy! Alvy! You're the one who never

wanted to make a real commitment. You

don't think I'm smart enough! We had

that argument just last month, or don't

ou remember that day?

CUT TO:

INT. KITCHEN.

Alvy is at the sink washing dishes as the screen cuts to the scene of last

month's argument. Annie's voice is heard.

ANNIE

(Off screen)

I'm home!

ALVY

(Turning)

Oh, yeah? How'd it go?

ANNIE

(Comes into the kitchen and puts

down a bag of groceries on the

kitchen table)

Oh, it was ...

(Laughing)

really weird. But she's a very nice woman.

ALVY

Yeah?

ANNIE

And I didn't have to lie down on the couch,

Alvy, she had me sitting up. So I told her

about-about the-the family and about my

feelings toward men and about my

relationship with my brother.

ALVY

M'm.

ANNIE

And then she mentioned penis envy ...

Did you know about that?

ALVY

Me? I'm-I'm one of the few males who

suffers from that, so, so ... you know.

ANNIE

M'hm.

ALVY

G-go on, I'm interested.

ANNIE

Well, she said that I was very guilty

about my impulses toward marriage,

and-and children.

ALVY

M'hm.

ANNIE

And then I remembered when I was a kid

how I accidentally saw my parents making

love.

ALVY

Tsch. Rea- All this happened in the

first hour?

ANNIE

M'hm.

ALVY

That's amazing. I-I-I ... I've been

goin' for fifteen years, I-you know,

I don't got ... nothing like that in-

ANNIE

Oh, I told her my dream and then I cried.

ALVY

You cried? I've never once cried.

Fantastic ...

ANNIE

(Taking groceries from the bag)

Yeah.

ALVY

I whine. I-I-I sit and I whine.

ANNIE

In-in ... Alvy, in my dream Frank

Sinatra is holding his pillow across

my face and I can't breathe.

ALVY

Sinatra?

ANNIE

Yeah, and he's strangling me ...

ALVY

Yeah?

ANNIE

... and I keep, you know, it's-

ALVY

(Taking a bottle of juice and

some celery from the bag)

Well, well, sure ... because he's a

singer and you're a singer, you know,

so it's perfect. So you're trying to

suffocate yourself. It-it makes perfect

sense. Uh, uh, that's a perfect analytic

... kind of insight.

ANNIE

(Pointing her finger at Alvy)

She said, your name was Alvy Singer.

ALVY

(Turning to Annie)

Whatta you mean? Me?

ANNIE

Yeah, yeah, yeah, you. Because in the

dream ... I break Sinatra's glasses.

ALVY

(Putting his band to his mouth)

Sinatra had gl- You never said Sinatra

had glasses. So whatta you saying that

I-I'm suffocating you?

ANNIE

(Turning, ajar in her hand)

Oh, and God, Alvy, I did ... this really

terrible thing to him. Because then when

he sang it was in this real high-pitched

voice.

ALVY

(Thinking)

Tsch, what'd the doctor say?

ANNIE

(Putting away some groceries)

Well, she said that I should probably

come five times a week. And you know

something? I don't think I mind analysis

at all. The only question is, Will it

change my wife?

ALVY

Will it change your wife?

ANNIE

Will it change my life?

ALVY

Yeah, but you said, "Will it change

my wife"!

ANNIE

No, I didn't.

(Laughing)

I said, "Will it change my life," Alvy.

ALVY

You said, "Will it change. . ." Wife.

Will it change ...

ANNIE

(Yelling out, angry)

Life. I said, "life."

Alvy turns toward the camera.

ALVY

(To the audience)

She said, "Will it change my wife." You

heard that because you were there so I'm

not crazy.

ANNIE

And, Alvy ... and then I told her about

how I didn't think you'd ever really take

me seriously, because you don't think that

I'm smart enough.

She walks out of the room.

ALVY

(To Annie's back, gesturing)

Why do you always bring that up? Because

I encourage you to take adult-education

courses? I think it's a wonderful thing.

You meet wonderful, interesting professors'.

CUT TO:

EXT. STREET

Annie stands at the open door of a cab, Alvy next to her gesturing as people

and cars move by.

ALVY

Adult education is such junk! The

professors are so phony. How can you

do it?

ANNIE

A bit rapidly. I don't care what you

say about David, he's a perfectly fine

teacher!

ALVY

(Interrupting)

David! David! I can't believe this!

ANNIE

And what are you doing following me

around for, anyway?

ALVY

I'm following you and David, if you-

ANNIE

(Interrupting)

I just think we oughta call this

relationship quits!

Annie gets into the cab; Alvy leans over and closes the door.

ALVY

That's fine. That's fine. That's great!

(He turns toward the camera as the

cab drives away)

Well, I don't know what I did wrong.

(Gesturing)

I mean, I can't believe this. Somewhere

she cooled off to me!

(He walks up to an older woman

walking down the street carrying

groceries)

Is it-is it something that I did?

WOMAN ON THE STREET

Never something you do. That's how

people are. Love fades.

She moves on down the street.

ALVY

(Scratching his head)

Love fades. God, that's a depressing

thought. Have to ask you a question.

(He stops another passer-by,a man)

Don't go any further. Now, with your

wife in bed, d-d-does she need some kind

o' artificial stimulation like-like marijuana?

MAN ON THE STREET

We use a large vibrating egg.

He walks on.

ALVY

(Continuing to walk)

Large vibrating egg. Well, I ask a

psychopath, I get that kind of an answer.

Jesus, I-I, uh, here ...

(He moves up the sidewalk to

a young trendy-looking couple,

arms wrapped around each other)

You-you look like a really happy couple.

Uh, uh ... are you?

YOUNG WOMAN

Yeah.

ALVY

Yeah! So ... so h-h-how do you account

for it?

YOUNG WOMAN

Uh, I'm very shallow and empty and I

have no ideas and nothing interesting

to say.

YOUNG MAN

And I'm exactly the same way.

ALVY

I see. Well, that's very interesting.

So you've managed to work out something, huh?

YOUNG MAN

Right.

YOUNG WOMAN

Yeah.

ALVY

Oh, well, thanks very much for talking

to me.

He continues to walk past some other passersby and moves into the street. A

mounted policeman comes by and stops near him. Alvy looks at the horse, as if

to speak.

ALVY'S VOICE-OVER

You know, even as a kid I always went

for the wrong women. I think that's my

problem. When my mother took me to see

Snow White, everyone fell in love with

Snow White. I immediately fell for the

Wicked Queen.

The scene dissolves into a sequence from the animated Snow White and the Seven

Dwarfs. The Wicked Queen, resembling Annie, sits in the palace before her

mirror. Alvy, as a cartoon figure, sits beside her, arms crossed in front of

him.

WICKED QUEEN

We never have any fun anymore.

CARTOON FIGURE ALVY

How can you say that?

WICKED QUEEN

Why not? You're always leaning on me

to improve myself.

CARTOON FIGURE ALVY

You're just upset. You must be getting

your period.

WICKED QUEEN

I don't get a period! I'm a cartoon

character. Can't I be upset once in

a while?

Rob, as a cartoon figure, enters and sits down on the other side of the Wicked

Queen.

CARTOON FIGURE ROB

Max, will you forget about Annie? I

know lots of women you can date.

CARTOON FIGURE ALVY

I don't wanna go out with any other women.

CARTOON FIGURE ROB

Max, have I got a girl for you. You are

going to love her. She's a reporter-

The cartoon figures of Alvy and Rob walk past the Wicked Queen; the screen

dissolves into the interior of a concert ball. Rob's voice carries over from

the cartoon scene as the screen shows Alvy with the female reporter. It's very

crowded, noisy; policeman and reporters are everywhere. Alvy stands with his

hands in his pockets, watching the commotion.

CARTOON FIGURE ROB'S VOICE-OVER

-for Rolling Stone.

FEMALE REPORTER

I think there are more people here to

see the Maharishi than there were to see

the Dylan concert. I covered the Dylan

concert ... which gave me chills.

Especially when he sang "She takes just

like a woman And she makes love just

like a woman Yes, she does And she aches

just like a woman But she breaks just

like a little girl."

(They move toward the aisles as

a guard holds up his hands to stop

them)

Up to that I guess the most charismatic

event I covered was Mick's Birthday when

the Stones played Madison Square Garden.

ALVY

(Laughing)

Man, that's great. That's just great.

REPORTER

You catch Dylan?

ALVY

(Coughing)

Me? No, no. I-I couldn't make it that

ni- My-my raccoon had hepatitis.

REPORTER

You have a raccoon?

ALVY

(Gesturing)

Tsch, a few.

REPORTER

The only word for this is trans-plendid.

It's trans-plendid.

ALVY

I can think of another word.

REPORTER

He's God! I mean, this man is God! He's

got millions of followers who would crawl

all the way across the world just to touch

the hem of his garment.

ALVY

Really? It must be a tremendous hem.

REPORTER

I'm a Rosicrucian myself.

ALVY

Are you?

REPORTER

Yeah.

ALVY

I can't get with any religion that

advertises in Popular Mechanics. Look-

(The Maharisbi, a small, chunky

man, walks out of the men's room,

huge bodyguards flanking him while

policemen bold back the crowds)

there's God coming outta the men's room.

REPORTER

It's unbelievably trans-plendid! I was

at the Stones concert in Altamount when

they killed that guy, remember?

ALVY

Yeah, were yuh? I was-I was at an Alice

Cooper thing where six people were rushed

to the hospital with bad vibes.

INT. ALVY'S BEDROOM-NIGHT

The reporter is sitting up in bed, lighted cigarette in her hand. Alvy, lying

next to her, rubs his eyes and puts on his eyeglasses.

REPORTER

(Looking down at him)

I hope you don't mind that I took so long

to finish.

ALVY

(Sighing)

Oh, no, no, don't be ... tsch ... don't

be silly. You know,

(Yawning)

I'm startin' it-I'm startin' to get some

feeling back in my jaw now.

REPORTER

Oh, sex with you is really a kafkaesque

experience.

ALVY

Oh, tsch, thank you. H'm.

REPORTER

I mean that as a compliment.

ALVY

(Making sounds)

I think-I think there's too much burden

placed on the orgasm, you know, to make

up for empty areas in life.

REPORTER

Who said that?

ALVY

(Rubbing his chin and shoulder)

Uh, oh, I don't know. It might have

been Leopold and Loeb.

(The telephone rings. Alvy picks

it up, rising up slightly from the

bed, concerned, as he talks)

Hello. Oh, hi ... Uh, no, what-what's

the matter? What-what-what? You sound

terrible ... No, what- Sure I- Whatta yuh

-what kind of an emergency? ... No, well,

stay there. Stay there, I'll come over

right now. I'll come over right now. Just

stay there, I'll come right over.

He hangs up. The reporter sits in bed still, taking in the situation.

INT. ANNIE'S APARTMENT HALLWAY

Annie, looking slightly distraught, goes to open the door to Alvy's knock.

ALVY

What's- It's me, open up.

ANNIE

(Opening the door)

Oh.

ALVY

Are you okay? What's the matter?

(They look at each other, Annie

sighing)

Are you all right? What-

ANNIE

There's a spider in the bathroom.

ALVY

(Reacting)

What?

ANNIE

There's a big black spider in the bathroom.

ALVY

That's what you got me here for at three

o'clock in the morning, 'cause there's a

spider in the bathroom?

ANNIE

My God, I mean, you know how I am about

insects.

ALVY

(Interrupting, sighing)

Oooh.

ANNIE

-I can't sleep with a live thing crawling

around in the bathroom.

ALVY

Kill it! For Go- What's wrong with you?

Don't you have a can of Raid in the house?

ANNIE

(Shaking her head)

No.

Alvy, disgusted, starts waving his hands and starts to move into the living

room.

ALVY

(Sighing)

I told you a thousand times you should

always keep, uh, a lotta insect spray.

You never know who's gonna crawl over.

ANNIE

(Following him)

I know, I know, and a first-aid kit and

a fire extinguisher.

ALVY

Jesus. All right, gimme a magazine.

I- 'cause I'm a little tired.

(While Annie goes of to find

him a magazine, Alvy, still

talking, glances around the

apartment. He notices a small

book on a cabinet and picks it up.)

You know, you, you joke with-about me,

you make fun of me, but I'm prepared for

anything. An emergency, a tidal wave,

an earthquake. Hey, what is this?

What? Did you go to a rock concert?

ANNIE

Yeah.

ALVY

Oh, yeah, really? Really? How-how'd

you like it? Was it-was it, I mean,

did it ... was it heavy? Did it achieve

total heavy-ocity? Or was it, uh...

ANNIE

It was just great!

ALVY

(Thumbing through the book)

Oh, humdinger. When- Well, I got a

wonderful idea. Why don'tcha get the

guy who took you to the rock concert,

we'll call him and he can come over and

kill the spider. You know, it's a-

He tosses the book down on the cabinet.

ANNIE

I called you; you wanna help me ... or

not? H'h? Here.

She hands him a magazine.

ALVY

(Looking down at the magazine)

What is this? What are you, since

when do you read the "National Review"?

What are you turning in to?

ANNIE

(Turning to a nearby chair for

some gum in her pocketbook)

Well, I like to try to get all points

of view.

ALVY

It's wonderful. Then why don'tcha get

William F. Buckley to kill the spider?

ANNIE

(Spinning around to face him)

Alvy, you're a little hostile, you

know that? Not only that, you look

thin and tired.

She puts a piece of gum in her mouth.

ALVY

Well, I was in be- It's three o'clock

in the morning. You, uh, you got me

outta bed, I ran over here, I couldn't

get a taxi cab. You said it was an

emergency, and I didn't ge- I ran up

the stairs. Hell - I was a lot more

attractive when the evening began.

Look, uh, tell- Whatta you- Are you

going with a right-wing rock-and roll

star? Is that possible?

ANNIE

(Sitting down on a chair arm

and looking up at Alvy)

Would you like a glass of chocolate milk?

ALVY

Hey, what am I-your son? Whatta you mean?

I-I came over TV --_

ANNIE

(Touching his chest with her hand)

I got the good chocolate, Alvy.

ALVY

Yeah, where is the spider?

ANNIE

It really is lovely. It's in the bathroom.

ALVY

Is he in the bathroom?

ANNIE

(Rising from chair)

Hey, don't squish it, and after it's

dead, flush it down the toilet, okay?

And flush it a couple o' times.

ALVY

(Moving down the hallway to

the bathroom)

Darling, darling, I've been killing

spiders since I was thirty, okay?

ANNIE

(Upset, hands on her neck)

Oh. What?

ALVY

(Coming back into the living room)

Very big spider.

ANNIE

Yeah?

ALVY

Two ... Yeah. Lotta, lotta trouble.

There's two of 'em.