written by

Woody Allen

Marshall Brickman

(Sound and Woody Allen monologue begin)

FADE IN:

White credits dissolve in and out on black screen. No sound.

FADE OUT: credits

FADE IN:

Abrupt medium close-up of Alvy Singer doing a comedy monologue. He

wearing a crumbled sports jacket and tieless shirt; the background is stark.

ALVY

There's an old joke. Uh, two elderly

women are at a Catskills mountain

resort, and one of 'em says: "Boy, the

food at this place is really terrible."

The other one says, "Yeah, I know, and

such ... small portions." Well, that's

essentially how I feel about life. Full

of loneliness and misery and suffering

and unhappiness, and it's all over much

too quickly. The-the other important

joke for me is one that's, uh, usually

attributed to Groucho Marx, but I think

it appears originally in Freud's wit and

its relation to the unconscious. And it

goes like this-I'm paraphrasing: Uh ...

"I would never wanna belong to any club

that would have someone like me for a

member." That's the key joke of my adult

life in terms of my relationships with

women. Tsch, you know, lately the

strangest things have been going

through my mind, 'cause I turned forty,

tsch, and I guess I'm going through a

life crisis or something, I don't know.

I, uh ... and I'm not worried about aging.

I'm not one o' those characters, you know.

Although I'm balding slightly on top, that's

about the worst you can say about me. I,

uh, I think I'm gonna get better as I get

older, you know? I think I'm gonna be the-

the balding virile type, you know, as

opposed to say the, uh, distinguished

gray, for instance, you know? 'Less I'm

neither o' those two. Unless I'm one o'

those guys with saliva dribbling out of

his mouth who wanders into a cafeteria

with a shopping bag screaming about

socialism.

(Sighing)

Annie and I broke up and I-I still can't

get my mind around that. You know, I-I

keep sifting the pieces of the relationship

through my mind and-and examining my life

and tryin' to figure out where did the

screw-up come, you know, and a year ago we

were... tsch, in love. You know, and-and-and

... And it's funny, I'm not-I'm not a

morose type. I'm not a depressive character.

I-I-I, uh,

(Laughing)

you know, I was a reasonably happy kid,

I guess. I was brought up in Brooklyn

during World War II.

CUT TO:

INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE-DAY

Alvy as young boy sits on a sofa with his mother in an old-fashioned,

cluttered doctor's office. The doctor stands near the sofa, holding a

cigarette and listening.

MOTHER

(To the doctor)

He's been depressed. All off a sudden,

he can't do anything.

DOCTOR

(Nodding)

Why are you depressed, Alvy?

MOTHER

(Nudging Alvy)

Tell Dr. Flicker.

(Young Alvy sits, his head down. His

mother answers for him)

It's something he read.

DOCTOR

(Puffing on his cigarette and

nodding)

Something he read, huh?

ALVY

(His head still down)

The universe is expanding.

DOCTOR

The universe is expanding?

ALVY

(Looking up at the doctor)

Well, the universe is everything, and if

it's expanding, someday it will break apart

and that would be the end of everything!

Disgusted, his mother looks at him.

MOTHER

(shouting)

What is that your business?

(she turns back to the doctor)

He stopped doing his homework.

ALVY

What's the point?

MOTHER

(Excited, gesturing with her hands)

What has the universe got to do with it?

You're here in Brooklyn! Brooklyn is not

expanding!

DOCTOR

(Heartily, looking down at Alvy)

It won't be expanding for billions of years

yet, Alvy. And we've gotta try to enjoy

ourselves while we're here. Uh?

He laughs.

CUT TO:

Fall shot of house with an amusement-park roller-coaster ride built over it.

A line of cars move up and then slides with great speed while out the window

of the house a band shakes a dust mop.

ALVY'S VOICE

My analyst says I exaggerate my childhood

memories, but I swear I was brought up

underneath the roller-

CUT TO:

INT. HOUSE

Alvy as a child sits at the table eating soup and reading a comic book while

his father sits on the sofa reading the paper. The house shakes with every

move of the roller coaster.

ALVY'S VOICE

-coaster in the Coney Island section of

Brooklyn. Maybe that accounts for my

personality, which is a little nervous, I

think.

CUT TO:

Young Alvy at the food-stand concession watching three military men

representing the Army, the Navy and the Marines arm in arm with a blond woman

in a skirted bathing suit. They all turn and run toward the foreground. The

girl stops before the camera to lean over and throw a kiss. The sign over the

concession reads "Steve's Famous Clam Bar. Ice Cold Beer, "and the roller

coaster is moving in full gear in the background.

ALVY'S VOICE

You know, I have a hyperactive imagination.

My mind tends to jump around a little, and

have some trouble between fantasy and reality.

CUT TO:

Full shot of people in bumper cars thoroughly enjoying bumping into each other

as Alvy father stands in the center of the track directing traffic.

ALVY'S VOICE

My father ran the bumper-car concession.

(Alvy as a child moves into the frame

driving a bumper car. He stops as other

cars bombard him. His father continues

to direct the traffic)

There-there he is and there I am. But I-I-I-I

used to get my aggression out through those

cars all the time.

Alvy backs up his car off screen.

INT. SCHOOLROOM - DAY

The camera pans over three austere-looking teachers standing in front of the

blackboard. The chalk writing on the board changes as each teacher lectures.

While Alvy speaks, one of the male teachers puts an equation on the blackboard.

- "2 X 10 = 20 " and other arithmetic formulas.

ALVY'S VOICE

I remember the staff at our public

school. You know, we had a saying, uh,

that "Those who can't do, teach, and

those who can't teach, teach gym." And

...uh, h'h, of course, those who couldn't

do anything, I think, were assigned to

our school. I must say-

CUT TO:

A female teacher standing in front of an old-fashioned schoolroom. The

blackboard behind her reads "Transportation Administration. The camera pans

her point of view: a group of young students sitting behind their desks. Alvy

as a child sits in a center desk wile all around him there is student activity;

there is note-passing, ruler-tapping, nose-picking, gumchewing.

ALVY'S VOICE

I always felt my schoolmates were idiots.

Melvyn Greenglass, you know, fat little

face, and Henrietta Farrell, just Miss

Perfect all the time. And-and Ivan

Ackerman, always the wrong answer. Always.

Ivan stands up behind his desk.

IVAN

Seven and three is nine.

Alvy hits his forehead with his hand. Another student glances over at him,

reacting.

ALVY'S VOICE

Even then I knew they were just jerks.

(The camera moves back to the teacher,

who is glaring out at her students)

In nineteen forty-two I had already dis-

As Alvy talks, the camera shows him move from his seat and kiss a young girl.

She jumps from her seat in disgust, rubbing her cheek, as Alvy moves back to

his seat.

1ST GIRL

(Making noises)

Ugh, he kissed me, he kissed me.

TEACHER

(Off screen)

That's the second time this month! Step

up here!

As the teacher, really glaring now, speaks, Alvy rises from his seat and moves

over to her. Angry, she points with her band while the students turn their

heads to watch what will happen next.

ALVY

What'd I do?

TEACHER

Step up here!

ALVY

What'd I do?

TEACHER

You should be ashamed of yourself.

The students, their heads still turned, look back at Alvy, now an adult,

sitting in the last seat of the second row.

ALVY (AS ADULT)

(First off screen, then onscreen as

camera moves over to the back of the

classroom)

Why, I was just expressing a healthy sexual

curiosity.

TEACHER

(The younger, Alvy standing next to her)

Six-year-old boys don't have girls on

their minds.

ALVY (AS ADULT)

(Still sitting in the back of

the classroom)

I did.

The girl the young Alvy kissed turns to the older Alvy, she gestures and

speaks.

1ST GIRL

For God's sakes, Alvy, even Freud speaks

of a latency period.

ALVY (AS ADULT)

(Gesturing)

Well, I never had a latency period. I

can't help it.

TEACHER

(With young, Alvy still at her side)

Why couldn't you have been more like Donald?

(The camera pans over to Donald,

sitting up tall in his seat, then

back to the teacher)

Now, there was a model boy!

ALVY (AS CHILD)

(Still standing next to the teacher)

Tell the folks where you are today, Donald.

DONALD

I run a profitable dress company.

ALVY'S VOICE

Right. Sometimes I wonder where my

classmates are today.

The camera shows the full classroom, the students sitting behind their desks,

the teacher standing in the front of the room. One at a time, the young

students rise u from their desks and speak.

1ST BOY

I'm president of the Pinkus Plumbing Company.

2ND BOY

I sell tallises.

3RD BOY

I used to be a heroin addict. Now I'm a

methadone addict.

2ND GIRL

I'm into leather.

INT. ROOM

Close-up of a TV screen showing Alvy as an adult on a talk show. He sits next

to the show, host, Dick Cavett, a Navy man sits on his right. Static is heard

throughout the dialogue.

ALVY

I lost track of most of my old schoolmates,

but I wound up a comedian. They did not take

me in the Army. I was, uh ... Interestingly

enough, I was-I was four-P.

Sounds of TV audience laughter and applause are heard.

DICK CAVETT

Four-P?

ALVY

Yes. In-in-in-in the event of war, I'm a

hostage.

More audience laughter joined by Dick Cavett and the naval officer.

INT. THE HOUSE WHERE ALVY GREW UP

Alvy's mother sits at the old-fashioned dining-room table peeling carrots and

talking as she looks off screen.

MOTHER

You always only saw the worst in people.

You never could get along with anyone at

school. You were always outta step with the

world. Even when you got famous, you still

distrusted the world.'

EXT. MANHATTAN STREET-DAY

A pretty Manhattan street with sidewalk trees, brownstones, a school; people

mill about, some strolling and carrying bundles, others buried. The screen

shows the whole length of the sidewalk, a street, and part of the sidewalk

beyond. As the following scene ensues, two pedestrians, indistinguishable in

the distance, come closer and closer toward the camera, recognizable, finally,

as Alvy and his best friend, Rob, deep in conversation. They eventually move

past the camera and off screen. Traffic noise is heard in the background.

ALVY

I distinctly heard it. He muttered under

his breath, "Jew."

ROB

You're crazy!

ALVY

No, I'm not. We were walking off the

tennis court, and you know, he was there

and me and his wife, and he looked at her

and then they both looked at me, and under

his breath he said, "Jew."

ROB

Alvy, you're a total paranoid.

ALVY

Wh- How am I a paran-? Well, I pick up on

those kind o' things. You know, I was

having lunch with some guys from NBC, so

I said ... uh, "Did you eat yet or what?"

and Tom Christie said, "No, didchoo?"

Not, did you, didchoo eat? Jew? No, not

did you eat, but Jew eat? Jew. You get it?

Jew eat?

ROB

Ah, Max, you, uh ...

ALVY

Stop calling me Max.

ROB

Why, Max? It's a good name for you. Max,

you see conspiracies in everything.

ALVY

No, I don't! You know, I was in a record

store. Listen to this -so I know there's

this big tall blond crew-cutted guy and

he's lookin' at me in a funny way and

smiling and he's saying, "Yes, we have a

sale this week on Wagner." Wagner, Max,

Wagner-so I know what he's really tryin'

to tell me very significantly Wagner.

ROB

Right, Max. California, Max.

ALVY

Ah.

ROB

Let's get the hell outta this crazy city.

ALVY

Forget it, Max.

ROB

-we move to sunny L.A. All of show business

is out there, Max.

ALVY

No, I cannot. You keep bringing it up, but

I don't wanna live in a city where the only

cultural advantage is that you can make a

right turn on a red light.

ROB

(Checking his watch)

Right, Max, forget it. Aren't you gonna be

late for meeting Annie?

ALVY

I'm gonna meet her in front of the Beekman.

I think I have a few minutes left. Right?

EXT. BEEKMAN THEATER-DAY

Alvy stands in front of glass doors of theater, the ticket taker behind him

just inside the glass doors. The sounds of city traffic, car horns honking,

can be heard while he looks around waiting for, Annie. A man in a black leather

jacket, walking past the theater, stops in front of, Alvy. He looks at him,

then moves away. He stops a few steps farther and turns around to look at Alvy

again. Alvy looks away, then back at the man. The man continues to stare.

Alvy scratches his head, looking for Annie and trying not to notice the man.

The man, still staring, walks back to Alvy.

1ST MAN

Hey, you on television?

ALVY

(Nodding his head)

No. Yeah, once in a while. You know,

like occasionally.

1ST MAN

What's your name?

ALVY

(Clearing his throat)

You wouldn't know it. It doesn't matter.

What's the difference?

1ST MAN

You were on ... uh, the ... uh, the Johnny

Carson, right?

ALVY

Once in a while, you know. I mean, you

know, every now-

1ST MAN

What's your name?

Alvy is getting more and more uneasy as the man talks; more and more people

move through the doors of the theater.

ALVY

(Nervously)

I'm ... I'm, uh, I'm Robert Redford.

1ST MAN

(Laughing)

Come on.

ALVY

Alvy Singer. It was nice nice ... Thanks

very much ... for everything.

They shake hands and Alvy pats the man's arm. The man in turn looks over his

shoulder and motions to another man. All excited now, he points to Alvy and

calls out. Alvy looks impatient.

1ST MAN

Hey!

2ND MAN

(Off screen)

What?

1ST MAN

This is Alvy Singer!

ALVY

Fellas ... you know-Jesus! Come on!

1ST MAN

(Overlapping, ignoring Alvy)

This guy's on television! Alvy

Singer, right? Am I right?

ALVY

(Overlapping 1st man)

Gimme a break, will yuh, gimme a break.

Jesus Christ!

1ST MAN

(Still ignoring Alvy's protestations)

This guy's on television.

ALVY

I need a large polo mallet!

2ND MAN

(Moving into the screen)

Who's on television?

1ST MAN

This guy, on the Johnny Carson show.

ALVY

(Annoyed)

Fellas, what is this-a meeting o' the

teamsters? You know.. .

2ND MAN

(Also ignoring Alvy)

What program?

1ST MAN

(Holding out a matchbook)

Can I have your autograph?

ALVY

You don't want my autograph.

1ST MAN

(Overlapping, Alvy's speech)

Yeah, I do. It's for my girl friend.

Make it out to Ralph.

ALVY

(Taking the matchbook and pen and

writing)

Your girl friend's name is Ralph?

1ST MAN

It's for my brudder.

(To passersby)

Alvy Singer! Hey! This is Alvy-

2ND MAN

(To Alvy, overlapping 1st man's speech)

You really Alvy Singer, the ... the

TV star?

Nodding his head yes, Alvy shoves 2nd man aside and moves to the curb of the

sidewalk. The two men follow, still talking over the traffic noise.

1ST MAN

-Singer!

2ND MAN

Alvy Singer over here!

A cab moves into the frame and stops by the curb. Alvy moves over to it about

to get in.

ALVY

(Overlapping the two men and

stuttering)

I-i-i-i-it's all right, fellas.

(As Alvy opens the cab door, the

two men still behind him, Annie

gets out)

Jesus, what'd you do, come by way of

the Panama Canal?

ANNIE

(Overlapping Alvy)

Alright, alright, I'm in a bad mood, okay?

Annie closes the cab door and she and Alvy move over to the ticket booth of

the theater as they continue to talk.

ALVY

Bad mood? I'm standing with the cast of

"The Godfather."

ANNIE

You're gonna hafta learn to deal with it.

ALVY

Deal! I'm dealing with two guys named

Cheech!

ANNIE

Okay.

(They move into the ticket line,

still talking. A billboard next to

them reads "INGMAR BERGMAN'S 'FACE

TO FACE ,'LIV ULLMANN")

Please, I have a headache, all right?

ALVY

Hey, you are in a bad mood. You-you-

you must be getting your period.

ANNIE

I'm not getting my period. Jesus, every

time anything out of the ordinary happens,

you think that I'm getting my period!

They move over to the ticket counter, people in front of them buying tickets

and walking off screen.

ALVY

(Gesturing)

A li-little louder. I think one of them

may have missed it!

(To the ticket clerk)

H'm, has the picture started yet?

TICKET CLERK

It started two minutes ago.

ALVY

(Hitting his hand on the counter)

That's it! Forget it! I-I can't go in.

ANNIE

Two minutes, Alvy.

ALVY

(Overlapping Annie)

No, I'm sorry, I can't do it. We-we've

blown it already. I-you know, uh, I-I

can't go in in the middle.

ANNIE

In the middle?

(Alvy nods his head yes and let's

out an exasperated sigh)

We'll only miss the titles. They're in

Swedish.

ALVY

You wanna get coffee for two hours or

something? We'll go next-

ANNIE

Two hours? No, u-uh, I'm going in.

I'm going in.

She moves past the ticket clerk.

ALVY

(Waving to Annie)

Go ahead. Good-bye.

Annie moves back to Alvy and takes his arm.

ANNIE

Look, while we're talking we could be

inside, you know that?

ALVY

(Watching people with tickets move

past them)

Hey, can we not stand here and argue in

front of everybody, 'cause I get embarrassed.

ANNIE

Alright. All right, all right, so whatta

you wanna do?

ALVY

I don't know now. You-you wanna go to

another movie?

(Annie nods her head and shrugs

her shoulders disgustedly as Alvy,

gesturing with his band, looks at

her)

So let's go see The Sorrow and the Pity.

ANNIE

Oh, come on, we've seen it. I'm not in

the mood to see a four-hour documentary

on Nazis.

ALVY

Well, I'm sorry, I-I can't ... I-I-I've

gotta see a picture exactly from the start

to the finish, 'cause-'cause I'm anal.

ANNIE

(Laughing now)

H'h, that's a polite word for what you are.

INT. THEATER LOBBY.

A lined-up crowd of ticket holders waiting to get into the theater, Alvy and

Annie among them. A bum of indistinct chatter can be heard through the ensuing

scene.

MAN IN LINE

(Loudly to his companion right

behind Alvy and Annie)

We saw the Fellini film last Tuesday.

It is not one of his best. It lacks a

cohesive structure. You know, you get

the feeling that he's not absolutely sure

what it is he wants to say. 'Course, I've

always felt he was essentially a-a technical

film maker. Granted, La Strada was a great

film. Great in its use of negative energy

more than anything else. But that simple

cohesive core ...

Alvy, reacting to the man's loud monologue, starts to get annoyed, while Annie

begins to read her newspaper.

ALVY

(Overlapping the man's speech)

I'm-I'm-I'm gonna have a stroke.

ANNIE

(Reading)

Well, stop listening to him.

MAN IN LINE

(Overlapping Alvy and Annie)

You know, it must need to have had its

leading from one thought to another.

You know what I'm talking about?

ALVY

(Sighing)

He's screaming his opinions in my ear.

MAN IN LINE

Like all that Juliet of the Spirits or

Satyricon, I found it incredibly ...

indulgent. You know, he really is. He's

one of the most indulgent film makers. He

really is-

ALVY

(Overlapping)

Key word here is "indulgent."

MAN IN LINE

(Overlapping)

-without getting ... well, let's put it

this way ...

ALVY

(To Annie, who is still reading,

overlapping the man in line who is

still talking)

What are you depressed about?

ANNIE

I missed my therapy. I overslept.

ALVY

How can you possibly oversleep?

ANNIE

The alarm clock.

ALVY

(Gasping)

You know what a hostile gesture that is

to me?

ANNIE

I know-because of our sexual problem,

right?

ALVY

Hey, you ... everybody in line at the

New Yorker has to know our rate of

intercourse?

MAN IN LINE

- It's like Samuel Beckett, you know-

I admire the technique but he doesn't ...

he doesn't hit me on a gut level.

ALVY

(To Annie)

I'd like to hit this guy on a gut level.

The man in line continues his speech all the while Alvy and Annie talk.

ANNIE

Stop it, Alvy!

ALVY

(Wringing his hands)

Well, he's spitting on my neck! You know,

he's spitting on my neck when he talks.

MAN IN LINE

And then, the most important thing of all

is a comedian's vision.

ANNIE

And you know something else? You know,

you're so egocentric that if I miss my

therapy you can think of it in terms of

how it affects you!

MAN IN LINE

(Lighting a cigarette while he talks)

Gal gun-shy is what it is.

ALVY

(Reacting again to the man in line)

Probably on their first date, right?

MAN IN LINE

(Still going on)

It's a narrow view.

ALVY

Probably met by answering an ad in the

New York Review of Books. "Thirtyish

academic wishes to meet woman who's

interested in Mozart, James Joyce and

sodomy."

(He sighs; then to Annie)

Whatta you mean, our sexual problem?

ANNIE

Oh!

ALVY

I-I-I mean, I'm comparatively normal

for a guy raised in Brooklyn.

ANNIE

Okay, I'm very sorry. My sexual problem!

Okay, my sexual problem! Huh?

The man in front of them turns to look at them, then looks away.

ALVY

I never read that. That was-that was

Henry James, right? Novel, uh, the

sequel to Turn of the Screw? My Sexual ...

MAN IN LINE

(Even louder now)

It's the influence of television. Yeah,

now Marshall McLuhan deals with it in terms

of it being a-a high, uh, high intensity,

you understand? A hot medium ... as opposed

to a ...

ALVY

(More and more aggravated)

What I wouldn't give for a large sock o'

horse manure.

MAN IN LINE

... as opposed to a print ...

Alvy steps forward, waving his hands in frustration, and stands facing the

camera.

ALVY

(Sighing and addressing the audience)

What do you do when you get stuck in a movie

line with a guy like this behind you? I mean,

it's just maddening!

The man in line moves toward Alvy. Both address the audience now.

MAN IN LINE

Wait a minute, why can't I give my opinion?

It's a free country!

ALVY

I mean, d- He can give you- Do you hafta

give it so loud? I mean, aren't you ashamed

to pontificate like that? And-and the funny

part of it is, M-Marshall McLuhan, you don't

know anything about Marshall McLuhan's...work!

MAN IN LINE

(Overlapping)

Wait a minute! Really? Really? I happen to

teach a class at Columbia called "TV Media

and Culture"! So I think that my insights

into Mr. McLuhan-well, have a great deal of

validity.

ALVY

Oh, do yuh?

MAN IN LINE

Yes.

ALVY

Well, that's funny, because I happen to

have Mr. McLuhan right here. So ... so,

here, just let me-I mean, all right. Come

over here ... a second.

Alvy gestures to the camera which follows him and the man in line to the back

of the crowded lobby. He moves over to a large stand-up movie poster and

pulls Marshall McLuban from behind the poster.

MAN IN LINE

Oh.

ALVY

(To McLuban)

Tell him.

MCLUHAN

(To the man in line)

I hear-I heard what you were saying.

You-you know nothing of my work. You

mean my whole fallacy is wrong. How you

ever got to teach a course in anything is

totally amazing.

ALVY

(To the camera)

Boy, if life were only like this!

INT. THEATER. A CLOSE-UP OF THE SCREEN SHOWING FACES OF GERMAN SOLDIERS.

Credits appear over the faces of the soldiers.

THE SORROW AND THE PITY

CINEMA 5 LTD., 1972

MARCEL OPHULS, ANDRE HARRIS, 1969

Chronicle of a French town during the Occupation

NARRATOR'S VOICE

(Over credits and soldiers)

June fourteenth, nineteen forty, the

German army occupies Paris. All over

the country, people are desperate for

every available scrap of news.

CUT TO:

INT. BEDROOM-NIGHT

Annie is sitting up in bed reading.

ALVY

(Off screen)

Boy, those guys in the French Resistance

were really brave, you know? Got to listen

to Maurice Chevalier sing so much.

ANNIE

M'm, I don't know, sometimes I ask myself

how I'd stand up under torture.

ALVY

(Off screen)

You? You kiddin'?

(He moves into the frame, lying across

the bed to touch, Annie, who makes a

face)

If the Gestapo would take away your

Bloomingdale's charge card, you'd tell 'em

everything.

ANNIE

That movie makes me feel guilty.

ALVY

Yeah, 'cause it's supposed to.

He starts kissing Annie's arm. She gets annoyed and continues to read.

ANNIE

Alvy, I ...

ALVY

What-what-what-what's the matter?

ANNIE

I-you know, I don't wanna.

ALVY

(Overlapping Annie, reacting)

What-what-I don't ... It's not natural!

We're sleeping in a bed together. You

know, it's been a long time.

ANNIE

I know, well, it's just that-you know, I

mean, I-I-I-I gotta sing tomorrow night,

so I have to rest my voice.

ALVY

(Overlapping Annie again)

It's always some kind of an excuse. It's-

You know, you used to think that I was

very sexy. What ... When we first started

going out, we had sex constantly ... We're-

we're probably listed in the Guinness Book

of World Records.

ANNIE

(Patting Alvy's band solicitously)

I know. Well, Alvy, it'll pass, it'll

pass, it's just that I'm going through a

phase, that's all.

ALVY

M'm.

ANNIE

I mean, you've been married before, you

know how things can get. You were very

hot for Allison at first.

CUT TO:

INT. BACK STAGE OF AUDITORIUM - NIGHT.

Allison, clipboard in band, walks about the wings, stopping to talk to various

people. Musicians, performers and technicians mill about, busy with activity.

Allison wears a large "ADLAI" button, as do the people around her. The sounds

of a comedian on the stage of the auditorium can be heard, occasionally,

interrupted by chatter and applause from the off screen audience. Allison

stops to talk to two women; they, too, wear "ADLAI" buttons.

ALLISON

(Looking down at the clipboard)

Ma'am, you're on right after this man ...

about twenty minutes, something like that.

WOMAN

Oh, thank you.

Alvy moves into the frame behind Allison. He taps her on the shoulder; she

turns to face him.

ALVY

(Coughing)

Excuse ... excuse me, when do I go on?

ALLISON

(Looking down at the clipboard)

Who are you?

ALVY

Alvy ... Alvy Singer. I'm a comedian.

ALLISON

Oh, comedian. Yes. Oh, uh ... you're

on next.

ALVY

(Rubbing his hands together

nervously)

What do you mean, next?

ALLISON

(Laughing)

Uh ... I mean you're on right after

this act.

ALVY

(Gesturing)

No, it can't be, because he's a comic.

ALLISON

Yes.

ALVY

So what are you telling me, you're

putting on two comics in a row?

ALLISON

Why not?

ALVY

No, I'm sorry, I'm not goin'- I can't

... I don't wanna go on after that comedian.

ALLISON

It's okay.

ALVY

No, because they're-they're laughing, so

(He starts laughing nervously)

I-I-I'd rather not. If you don't mind,

I prefer-

ALLISON

(Overlapping)

Will you relax, please? They're gonna

love you, I know.

ALVY

(Overlapping)

I prefer not to, because ... look,

they're laughing at him. See, so what

are yuh telling me-

They move closer to the stage, looking out from the wings.

ALLISON

(Overlapping)

Yes.

ALVY

(Overlapping)

-that I've got to ... ah ... ah ...

They're gonna laugh at him for a couple

minutes, then I gotta go out there, I

gotta ... get laughs, too. How much can

they laugh?

(Off screen)

They-they they're laughed out.

ALLISON

(Off screen)

Do you feel all right?

As Allison and Alvy look out at the stage, the camera cuts to their point of

view: a comedian standing at a podium in front of huge waving pictures of Adlai

Stevenson. The audience, laughing and clapping, sits at round tables in

clusters around the room.

The camera moves back to Allison and Alvy watching the stage. Alvy is swinging

his hands nervously.

COMEDIAN

(Off screen, onstage)

You know ...

Alvy starts looking Allison up and down; people in the background mill about.

ALVY

(Above the chatter around him)

Look, what's your-what's your name?

COMEDIAN

(Off screen)

... General Eisenhower is not ...

ALLISON

(Looking out at the stage)

Allison.

ALVY

Yeah? Allison what?

ALLISON

(Still looking off screen)

Portchnik.

COMEDIAN

... a group from the ...

ALVY

(Coughing)

Thank you. I-I don't know why they would

have me at this kind of rally 'cause ...

(He clears his throat)

Excuse me, I'm not essentially a political

comedian at all.

The audience starts to laugh.

ALVY

I ... interestingly had, uh, dated ...

a woman in the Eisenhower Administration

... briefly ... and, uh, it was ironic to

me 'cause, uh . . . tsch . . . 'cause I

was trying to, u-u-uh, do to her what

Eisenhower has been doing to the country

for the last eight years.

The audience is with him, laughing, as Allison continues to watch offstage.

INT. APARTMENT BEDROOM.

Allison and, Alvy are on the bed, kissing. There are books all over the room;

a fireplace, unlit, along one of the walls. Alvy suddenly breaks away and sits

on the edge of the bed. Allison looks at him.

ALVY

H'm, I'm sorry, I can't go through with

this, because it-I can't get it off my

mind, Allison ... it's obsessing me!

ALLISON

Well, I'm getting tired of it. I need

your attention.

Alvy gets up from the bed and starts walking restlessly around the room,

gesturing with his hands.

ALVY

It-but it-it ... doesn't make any sense.

He drove past the book depository and the

police said conclusively that it was an

exit wound. So-how is it possible for

Oswald to have fired from two angles at

once? It doesn't make sense.

ALLISON

Alvy.

Alvy, stopping for a moment at the fireplace mantel, sighs. He then snaps his

fingers and starts walking again.

ALVY

I'll tell you this! He was not marksman

enough to hit a moving target at that

range. But ...

(Clears his throat)

if there was a second assassin ... it-

That's it!

Alvy stops at the music stand with open sheet music on it as Allison gets up

from the bed and retrieves a pack of cigarettes from a bookshelf.

ALLISON

We've been through this.

ALVY

If they-they recovered the shells from

that rifle.

ALLISON

(Moving back to the bed and

lighting a cigarette)

Okay. All right, so whatta yuh saying,

now? That e-e-everybody o-o-on the Warren

Commission is in on this conspiracy, right?

ALVY

Well, why not?

ALLISON

Yeah, Earl Warren?

ALVY

(Moving toward the bed)

Hey ... honey, I don't know Earl Warren.

ALLISON

Lyndon Johnson?

ALVY

(Propping one knee on the bed

and gesturing)

L-L-Lyndon Johns Lyndon Johnson is a

politician. You know the ethics those

guys have? It's like-uh, a notch

underneath child molester.

ALLISON

Then everybody's in in the conspiracy?

ALVY

(Nodding his head)

Tsch.

ALLISON

The FBI, and the CIA, and J. Edgar

Hoover and oil companies and the

Pentagon and the men's-room attendant

at the White House?

Alvy touches Allison's shoulder, then gets up from the bed and starts walking

again.

ALVY

I-I-I-I would leave out the men's-room

attendant.

ALLISON

You're using this conspiracy theory as

an excuse to avoid sex with me.

ALVY

Oh, my God!

(Then, to the camera)

She's right! Why did I turn off Allison

Portchnik? She was-she was beautiful. She

was willing. She was real ... intelligent.

(Sighing)

Is it the old Groucho Marx joke? That-that

I-I just don't wanna belong to any club that

would have someone like me for a member?

EXT. BEACH HOUSE - DAY

Alvy's and Annie's voices are heard over the wind-browned exterior of a beach

house in the Hamptons. As they continue to talk, the camera moves inside the

house. Alvy is picking up chairs, trying to get at the group of lobsters

crawling on the floor. Dishes are stacked up in a drying rack, and bags of

groceries sit on the counter. There's a table and chairs near the refrigerator.

ANNIE

Alvy, now don't panic. Please.

ALVY

Look, I told you it was a ... mistake

to ever bring a live thing in the house.

ANNIE

Stop it! Don't ... don't do that! There.

The lobsters continue to crawl on the floor. Annie, bolding out a wooden

paddle, tries to shove them onto it.

ALVY

Well, maybe we should just call the police.

Dial nine-one-one, it's the lobster squad.

ANNIE

Come on, Alvy, they're only baby ones, for

God's sake.

ALVY

If they're only babies, then you pick

'em up.

ANNIE

Oh, all right. All right! It's all

right. Here.

She drops the paddle and picks up one of the lobsters by the tail. Laughing,

she shoves it at Alvy who jerks backward, squeamishly.

ALVY

Don't give it to me. Don't!

ANNIE

(Hysterically)

Oooh! Here! Here!

ALVY

(Pointing)

Look! Look, one crawled behind the

refrigerator. It'll turn up in our bed

at night.

(They move over to the refrigerator;

Alvy moves as close to the wall as

possible as Annie, covering her mouth

and laughing hysterically, teasingly

dangles a lobster in front of him)

Will you get outta here with that thing?

Jesus!

ANNIE

(Laughing, to the lobster)

Get him!

ALVY

(Laughing)

Talk to him. You speak shellfish!

(He moves over to the stove and

takes the lid of a large steamer

filled with boiling water)

Hey, look ... put it in the pot.

ANNIE

(Laughing)

I can't! I can't put him in the pot. I

can't put a live thing in hot water.

ALVY

(Overlapping)

Gimme! Gimme! Let me do it! What-what's

he think we're gonna do, take him to the

movies?

Annie hands the lobster to Alvy as he takes it very carefully and drops it

gingerly into the pot and puts the cover back on.

ANNIE

(Overlapping Alvy and making sounds)

Oh, God! Here yuh go! Oh, good, now

he'll think-

(She screams)

Aaaah! Okay.

ALVY

(Overlapping Annie)

Okay, it's in. It's definitely in the pot!

ANNIE

All right. All right. All right.

She moves hurriedly across the kitchen and picks up another lobster. Smiling,

she places it on the counter as Alvy stands beside the refrigerator trying to

push it from the wall.

ALVY

Annie, there's a big lobster behind

the refrigerator. I can't get it out.

This thing's heavy. Maybe if I put a

little dish of butter sauce here with a

nutcracker, it will run out the other

side, you know what I mean?

ANNIE

(Overlapping)

Yeah. I'm gonna get my ... I'm gonna

get my camera.

ALVY

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