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| 日期：2006-8-5 10:37:56 | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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American Pie
by
Adam Herz
WHITE REVISION: 7/7/98
NOTE: THE HARD COPY OF THIS SCRIPT CONTAINED SCENE NUMBERS
AND SOME "SCENE OMITTED" SLUGS. THEY HAVE BEEN REMOVED FOR
THIS SOFT COPY.
INT. JIM'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
PAN across details in a bedroom...we see discarded
shirts...pants...socks...and hear
PORNO-CHANNEL CHICK (V.O.)
Oooh, yeah. Oh, baby, you're so good.
JIM (O.S.)
Yeah, I'm the best, baby.
Now we see a TV...but the picture isn't clear. Or, more
appropriately, the picture is scrambled -- it phases in
and out. Bars scroll across it. And we get occasional
glimpses of what looks like --
JIM (O.S.)(CONT'D)
...oh -- that was a tit, tits...
As most high-school guys know (but few will admit), it is
possible to watch the pay channels while they're
scrambled. You just need a decent imagination to fill in
the rest of the picture. We PULL BACK to see JIM -- 17,
short, horny.
PORNO-CHANNEL CHICK (V.O.)
Give it to me! Yes!
JIM
Oh yeah, baby, I'll give it to you.
Jim is, uh, physically involved with the scrambled babe.
We TILT DOWN to see a small multimedia presentation next
to Jim on his bed. "Cosmopolitan" is open to a sexy
model...a yearbook is open to the "girl's swim team"
section...and a dictionary next to Jim, open to the
"Vagina" listing, accompanied by a big vagina diagram.
PORNO-CHANNEL CHICK (V.O.)
Don't you love my sexy body?!
JIM
I do, baby, I do.
He frantically looks around...and grabs a tube sock off
the floor.
PORNO-CHANNEL CHICK (V.O.)
You're so big!
JIM
Yeah, that's right.
PORNO-CHANNEL STUD (V.O.)
(deep macho voice)
Ohhh, tell me you're a nasty girl!
Jim is thrown off.
PORNO-CHANNEL STUD (V.O.)(CONT'D)
Yeahhh, you been bad, real bad!
JIM
Man, shut up!
Suddenly there's a KNOCK at the door, immediately after
which JIM'S MOM enters. Jim scrambles and quickly covers
himself and the dictionary with a pillow. She's
oblivious to his doings.
JIM'S MOM
Hey, Jimmy. I just wanted to say
sweet dreams.
JIM
Yep, okay Mom, 'night.
JIM'S MOM
(leans in to Jim)
Kiss goodnight.
Jim is revolted. Very reluctantly he gives her a kiss.
She turns to leave, and notices the TV.
JIM'S MOM (CONT'D)
Is something wrong with the reception?
JIM
Yeah. Damn cable. There's this
nature show that I'm trying to watch.
PORNO-CHANNEL CHICK (V.O.)
Fuck me! Yes!
JIM
Uh...
He hurriedly tries to change the channel with the REMOTE,
but instead the VOLUME GOES UP.
PORNO-CHANNEL CHICK (V.O.)
BLOW YOUR WAD ON MY TITS!!
Jim panics as his mom reacts, shocked.
JIM
(choking)
Must...be...broken...
JIM'S DAD enters.
JIM'S DAD
What the heck is this?
JIM
Nothing!
JIM'S MOM
I think he's trying to watch one of
the illegal channels.
JIM
Jesus, Mom! They're not illegal!
They're pay channels. How could a
television channel be illegal?! God,
get a clue!
JIM'S DAD
James, don't speak that way to your
mother!
PORNO-CHANNEL STUD (V.O.)
Play with my hairy balls!
JIM'S DAD
Turn that garbage off! Give me that!
Jim's Dad grabs for the remote, which is sitting on the
pillow that's been covering Jim. The pillow gets brushed
aside -- revealing the Big Vagina Diagram, Jim with his
shorts down, and a very strategically placed tube sock.
JIM'S MOM
Oh my God!
JIM'S DAD
Honey, why don't you let me handle this
one.
He ushers her out. Jim's Dad is stuck there with his
half-naked son. Horrible, awful embarrassment. A long,
strained beat.
JIM'S DAD (CONT'D)
Jesus Christ. The dictionary? Hell,
son, I'll buy you some dirty
magazines.
Jim's Dad exits, shaking his head. Jim sits agape,
humiliated.
PORNO-CHANNEL CHICK (V.O.)
Oooh, spank me, daddy, spank me!
EXT. EAST GREAT FALLS - DAY
We see a Honda Accord drive by a sign at the city limits:
"Welcome to East Great Falls, Michigan -- A Great Place
To Be"
EXT. FRONT OF SCHOOL - DAY
The front of the school. KEVIN drives up in his Accord.
He's a good-humored, good-enough-looking high school
senior. VICKY rides shotgun -- pretty, smart, confident.
She's holding a large, thick envelope, with a big
"Vanderbilt" return address on it.
KEVIN
It's a big, thick envelope, Vicky.
You got in.
VICKY
You think so?
She tears it open. Pulls out a course catalog, various
forms, and a letter which she hands to Kevin.
KEVIN
"Dear Ms. Hughes. We're sorry, but
after keeping you on the wait list for
the past couple months, we've decided
you are now rejected. Enclosed is a
100-page, full-color brochure on how
rejected you are."
VICKY
Kevin, this is serious!
KEVIN
You got in.
Vicky SCREAMS in excitement, like a girl at a Beatles
concert. Then she LAUGHS, and gives Kevin a big kiss and
hug.
VICKY
I love you!
She hugs Kevin tighter -- as he looks a little frazzled,
almost perfunctorily returning the hug.
EXT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - COURTYARD - MORNING
Jim has met up with CHRIS OSTREICHER -- "OZ" -- a cocky
senior with a football-player build. He cradles a ball
in a lacrosse stick.
OZ
Illegal channels? Shit, if there's
any channel that should be illegal,
it's whatever that women's channel is.
Lifetime Supply of Pantyhose, or some
shit.
JIM
Yeah -- hey, did you see The Little
Mermaid on TV the other night? That
Ariel, whew.
OZ
She's a mermaid, dude.
JIM
(trumping him)
Yeah, Oz, but not when she's on land.
OZ
She's a cartoon, dude.
JIM
A hot cartoon.
OZ
Is there anything you don't jerk off
to?
JIM
C-Span?
INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - MAIN HALLWAY - DAY
Jim and Oz, now joined by Kevin, walk down the hall. Oz
bounces the lacrosse ball off a locker, catching it
again. Kevin speaks a little distantly, unnerved.
KEVIN
Then she said -- she loves me.
OZ
Oh shit dude, the L-word!
JIM
And you said...
KEVIN
Nothing, I just hugged her back.
JIM
You think she was serious?
KEVIN
I couldn't tell -- She could've meant
like, "I love you grandma" or "I love
you Vanderbilt."
OZ
Just don't bring it up, hang low,
maybe she won't mention it again.
INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - SENIOR LOCKERS - DAY
The guys pass by a GROUP OF BAND DORKS, most notable of
which is MICHELLE, who proudly polishes her flute.
MICHELLE
And what we should do today, in band?
Instead of playing our instruments
regularly? We should play them
backwards! That'll be so funny!
The Band Dorks LAUGH and agree, "hilariously" attempting
to play their instruments from the wrong end. The guys
shudder.
OZ
(to Jim)
You guys got the Latin homework?
JIM
No -- Kevin, you?
KEVIN
(offended)
Please.
(then)
We're all golden, we're college bound.
I figured it out -- I can get a c-
minus in every class, and it's not
gonna make a difference. U of M, here
I come.
INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - MAIN HALL NEAR POP MACHINE - DAY
Vicky is talking with JESSICA, a friend of hers, getting
a pop (we're in the Midwest now, gang) from the machine.
VICKY
Vanderbilt's not that far from U of M.
JESSICA
Yeah right.
VICKY
What? We both have cars.
JESSICA
Yeah but, no offense, you're talking
about a post-high school, long-
distance relationship, and you and
Kevin haven't even done it yet.
VICKY
That's not why we're going out.
JESSICA
What the hell are you expecting him to
drive to Vanderbilt for? Milk and
cookies?
VICKY
Jessica! He'll drive there for me,
and I'll drive to Ann Arbor for him.
We're going to have sex when he's
ready and I'm ready. It's got to be
completely perfect. I want the right
place, the right time, the right
moment.
JESSICA
Vicky, it's not a space shuttle
launch, it's sex. So did you do the
physics write-up?
VICKY
(offended, a la Kevin)
Please.
INT. EAST GREAT FALLS - SENIOR LOCKERS - DAY
Kevin, Jim, and Oz are still walking down the hall.
PAUL FINCH, preppy, eccentric, is sitting on a bench.
JIM
There's our man.
KEVIN
Finch, you got the Latin homework?
FINCH
Non habeo. Canis meus id comedit.
The guys keep staring. A beat.
KEVIN
Whatever.
Someone is HOLLERING down the hall. Running towards Oz
is STEVE STIFLER -- very clean-cut and preppy, he's a
maniac, a jackass, much worse than Oz. Not really part
of the group.
STIFLER
(yelling)
NOVA!!
OZ
Stifler!!
Stifler runs full-force into Oz, grabbing him in a bear
hug.
STIFLER
You coming to party tonight,
Ostreicher, ya fuckface?
OZ
Depends if my date wants to stop by.
STIFLER
That junior chick?
OZ
Nah, gave her the Heisman. I'm
working on something new.
STIFLER
Yeah right. I got an idea for
something new. How 'bout you guys
actually locate your dicks, remove the
shrink wrap, and fuckin' use 'em.
OZ
Dude, it's gotta happen -- she's a
college chick!
STIFLER
Bullshit. From where?
OZ
She works part-time at my dad's store.
STIFLER
Hah! Yeah, Oz, I bet it's more like
your dad works at her store.
OZ
Dude, he does not.
KEVIN
Really, Stifler. He's the manager.
Oz gives a little nod, avoiding the issue.
STIFLER
Hey, man, I'm not making fun. I'm
fuckin' impressed. I mean, "Footlong
or six-inch, white or wheat," that's
some serious shit to master.
Oz musters a little LAUGH.
KEVIN
(half-joking)
Stifler, you're such an asshole.
STIFLER
Meyers, what's the deal with you and
Vicky, anyway? You've been going out
since Homecoming and all she'll do is
blow you? Shit, I'd drop her like a
steaming turd.
FINCH
Do you commonly grasp warm pieces of
stool?
STIFLER
(momentarily puzzled)
I do when I'm throwing them at your
mom, you damn freak.
(then)
Alright then, see you guys tonight.
I'll look for you in the No Fucking
section.
The guys all take this little too seriously to have a
comeback. Stifler just LAUGHS OBNOXIOUSLY as he walks
off.
INT. KEVIN'S BEDROOM - DAY
Kevin is on the phone. Hanging near his closet is a
tuxedo. INTERCUT with KEVIN'S OLDER BROTHER -- 25, on
his cell phone, traveling down a California road.
KEVIN'S BROTHER
You called me to ask me how to get laid?
KEVIN
What was I gonna do, call dad? I
don't even know his number.
KEVIN'S BROTHER
Just dial 976-Asshole.
KEVIN
Yeah, well anyway...I thought you
might have some advice, brother to
brother. I mean, I think tonight she
might, we might really, there's a
chance that -- you know.
KEVIN'S BROTHER
Have you ever heard of the bible?
KEVIN
What? Not the Bible?
KEVIN'S BROTHER
Well, that's not really the name, but
we always called it that.
KEVIN
Does it tell me how to get laid?
KEVIN'S BROTHER
You know what, nevermind. You're not
ready.
KEVIN
Ready for what?
KEVIN'S BROTHER
Whoop, you're fading out. Good luck
at that party.
INT. DOG DAYS - LATE AFTERNOON
A small, nostalgia-themed dive. Despite the theme,
CLASSIC ROCK plays. Kevin, Oz, Jim and Finch sit at a
table. They munch on hot dogs piled high with
condiments.
KEVIN
You ever hear of something called The
Bible?
OZ
Once, in church, dude.
Jim is paging through Great Falls' equivalent of the LA
Weekly.
JIM
Ooh, here's an easy one: "Attractive
SWF, fun loving and a youthful mind
seeks outgoing companion."
Okay..."Attractive"...ugly.
OZ
"Fun loving" -- insane.
KEVIN
Unlisted age, plus "youthful mind,"
equals old.
JIM
No, "Charming" is old. "Older" is
really old. "Youthful mind" is dead.
FINCH
Perhaps you should consider actually
answering an ad.
JIM
Finch, you can be the one to date a
nearly-dead insane chick. Eat your
damn imitation hot dog.
FINCH
("for the hundredth time")
This is no imitation. Removing the
hot dog from the Ultradog yields a
better dog. Behold -- Ultradog, no
dog.
Finch displays the cross-section on his hot dog. It's
all condiments. The guys react with rehearsed offense.
KEVIN
(checks his watch)
Alright...I'm shooting for a nine
o'clock ETA. Beer in hand by five
after.
JIM
You can crash at Stifler's?
KEVIN
It's all good.
(He pulls out some gum)
Breath check.
He hands out a stick of gum to each guy, automatically
skipping Finch, who pulls out a small, hotel-bottle of
Scope. Gargles with it. Spits it into his drink cup.
OZ
(repulsed)
Dude, I wish you wouldn't do that.
KEVIN
You got something up your sleeve for
tonight, Finch?
FINCH
A foolproof plan, my friend. You
shall see.
Oz has tuned into the song in the background -- "Blinded
by the Light" [the original Springsteen version, not the
Manfred Mann remake].
OZ
(sings along)
And little hurly-burly came by in her
curly-wurly, and asked me if I needed
I ri-hide --
KEVIN
How the hell do you know all these
random songs?
OZ
It's early Springsteen, dude, this is
classic. This was before the cheesy
remake.
JIM
This was remade? Into what?
OZ
(chiming in as the chorus hits)
Bli-hinded by the light -- cut loose
like a deuce, another runner in the
night, blinded...
KEVIN
At least now I know what the hell
they're saying.
JIM
So, does my hair look better --
(flips a small lock of hair
onto his forehead)
like this, or...
(flips it back up)
like this?
OZ
Who cares?
JIM
Nadia does, that Czechoslovakian
chick, she might be there tonight.
Now, do you think she'd prefer --
(flips hair down again)
Cool Hip Jim...
(flips it back up)
or Laid Back Jim?
KEVIN
The difference is so phenomenal, I
can't decide.
EXT. DOG DAYS - MAGIC HOUR - CONTINUING
They exit the restaurant.
JIM
What about you? You're the one with
the girlfriend and you're still
stranded on third base.
KEVIN
You know, I've never got that shit.
What exactly constitutes third base?
OZ
(holds up a couple fingers)
Contact, dude.
KEVIN
Then where does a blowjob figure in?
They ponder this for a moment.
OZ
Shortstop. 'Course, you don't make it
to third, and you're out.
JIM
So let's say you get there...what's
uh, third base feel like?
KEVIN
Oh, man, that's kind of sad.
Jim shrugs, embarrassed.
OZ
Feels like warm apple pie, dude.
JIM
Apple pie...
(then)
McDonald's or homemade?
They just look at him. Finch hops on his scooter.
FINCH
Gentlemen, see you at the Bacchanalia.
He MEEPS his horn and buzzes away.
INT. STIFLER'S HOUSE - NIGHT
For a high-school party, it's pretty good. The house is
peppered with ALL TYPES OF HIGH-SCHOOL STUDENTS. MUSIC
blends with the din of excited conversation.
Kevin and Jim are drinking beers. Around them, students
mingle and flirt. CHUCK SHERMAN comes up.
SHERMAN
What's up, fellas?
JIM
Hey Sherman. Scopin' the babes.
SHERMAN
Indeed. Some fine ladies here, boys.
Confidence is high, repeat, confidence
is high.
Sherman is moving to DefCon Two, full
strategic arsenal ready for
deployment.
JIM
You've got something going?
SHERMAN
Did you see that Central chick?
Brunette?
KEVIN/JIM
No.
SHERMAN
She's around. Seems that she's taken
a liking to me. Fellas, it's time
that she experienced -- The
Sherminator.
KEVIN
Yeah, okay Sherman, whatever.
SHERMAN
I'm a sophisticated sex robot, sent
back through time...to change the
future for one lucky lady.
KEVIN
Yeah man, right on!
Sherman saunters off into the party.
KEVIN (CONT'D)
(shakes his head)
Hopeless.
Vicky approaches, having a good time, joining the guys,
EXCHANGING GREETINGS. Jim spots NADIA across the room.
She's beautiful, a masterpiece of a woman.
JIM
Oh, shit! There she is. Nadia.
VICKY
You like her? Her sponsor family
lives on my block. Why don't you talk
to her?
JIM
What would I say?
VICKY
Just tell her what's on your mind.
And smile, you've got a good smile.
(then to Kevin)
Come on.
KEVIN
(to Jim)
Gotta go.
JIM
But --
Kevin and Vicky disappear into the crowd -- just as Jim
sees Nadia approaching him. He freaks.
JIM (cont'd)
Kevin, get back here!
But he's gone. And Nadia is now in front of him. With
no other alternative, Jim readies himself, smiling big.
NADIA
(with a really sexy accent)
You are in my English class, no?
Jim smiles.
JIM
(barely)
Yes.
NADIA
I thought so.
Jim's smile grows even bigger, almost stupid. A beat.
NADIA (cont'd)
So you are having fun?
Jim nods, still smiling away. Staring right through her
head.
NADIA (cont'd)
I said, you are having fun?
A little SQUEAK escapes his throat. Jim is on mental
vacation.
NADIA (cont'd)
Me too.
A beat. Jim's expression is now plasticized. Eyes
vacant. A frozen, completely artificial smile. Nadia is
confused.
NADIA (cont'd)
Well...I am going to get another beer.
You want one?
Jim strains to speak, through his smile.
JIM
No...you...go...ahead.
NADIA
Okay.
She walks off. Jim SIGHS, completely relaxing, like a
huge burden is now off of him. He wipes his brow. Then,
realizing --
JIM
Oh, shit. No! Shit!
He pounds his head with his fist.
EXT. STIFLER'S HOUSE - FRONT DOOR - NIGHT
A group of band dorks is on the porch, including
Michelle. Stifler stands in the doorway, staring at them
in disbelief.
MICHELLE
We're here for the party?
STIFLER
What party? There's no party.
MUSIC blares from inside. A drunken HAND reaches through
the door and ruffles Stifler's hair.
PARTY GUY (O.S.)
Stiff-lerrr! Par-tyyy!!
The hand disappears back into the house. A beat.
STIFLER
Try the house down the street.
Stifler slams the door. The dorks wait a moment.
BAND DORK
Ring the bell again.
MICHELLE
Ringing the bell is dorky -- let's
just go in.
We hear a CLICK OF A DEADBOLT.
INT. STIFLER'S HOUSE - MASTER BEDROOM - NIGHT
Kevin and Vicky are on the bed, making out.
VICKY
Oh, Kev.
KEVIN
Vicky -- do you think, maybe...it's
time for us to take the next step in
our relationship?
VICKY
Tonight?
KEVIN
Yeah, it's such a perfect evening.
Isn't this how you've always pictured
it?
PARTY GUY (O.S.)
(yelling)
Dude, my farts fuckin' stink!
PARTY GUY #2 (O.S.)
You reek like a fuckin' Yeti, dude!
Go take a shit or something!
Kevin and Vicky exchange a glance.
KEVIN
Or not.
Vicky pushes him onto his back.
VICKY
Just relax.
INT. CAR - NIGHT
Oz is in the passenger seat, making out with the
aforementioned COLLEGE CHICK. She's attractive and older-
looking (from a high-school perspective). They are
parked near the river that flows through downtown Great
Falls.
OZ
Great evening, isn't it?
COLLEGE CHICK
Sure.
OZ
There's something about the spring
that's just cool. Like the smell of
fresh rain or something.
At this, she snuggles up to him. Oz smiles confidently.
OZ (CONT'D)
Suck me, beautiful.
The College Chick backs off, confounded.
COLLEGE CHICK
What did you just say?
OZ
(not so confidently)
Suck me...beautiful?
The College Chick's eyes flutter in disbelief. She tries
to keep her cool -- but can barely restrain her laughter.
COLLEGE CHICK
What?!
Oz attempts to maintain a suave exterior, but he's just
had the rug pulled from under him.
OZ
Uh...you know, my friends call me Nova
-- as in Casanova.
COLLEGE CHICK
You need some work, buddy!
She bursts into laughter. Oz is ill.
OZ
Well...jeez, don't laugh at me.
Seeing Oz's defeated expression, she collects herself.
COLLEGE CHICK
Look, Chris. There are just some
things you need to learn, that's all.
OZ
Like what?
She sees that he's lost. Almost feels sorry for him.
COLLEGE CHICK
Alright, well...you've got to tone it
down. You don't need to go to Lookout
Point and spout cheeseball lines to be
romantic.
OZ
...okay...
COLLEGE CHICK
You have to pay attention to a girl.
Be sensitive to her feelings.
Relationships are reciprocal.
OZ
I'm not good in math.
She's trying not to laugh again.
COLLEGE CHICK
Come on, I'll drop you off at your
friends'.
Oz couldn't be humiliated any further.
INT. STIFLER'S HOUSE - KITCHEN - NIGHT - SAME TIME
Oz is nursing a beer, having just told the story to Jim,
Stifler, and some guys.
STIFLER
(hysterical, toppling over)
You actually said that?! Haaaah!!
OZ
Shut the fuck up.
JIM
Hey, you did better than I did, Nova.
OZ
Oh that's really reassuring. And
don't call me Nova anymore. I'm a
fraud.
STIFLER
This is pathetic. I'm gonna find me a
little hottie.
Stifler strides into another room.
STIFLER (O.S.)(cont'd)
(yelling)
Suck me, beautiful!
Oz wallows in his beer can, beaten.
INT. STIFLER'S HOUSE - MASTER BEDROOM - NIGHT
Vicky is pleasuring Kevin...you know.
VICKY
(brief pause)
Let me know.
KEVIN
Okay, don't stop.
She resumes. A moment more -- and then Kevin is about to
lose it.
KEVIN (cont'd)
Oh -- Now!
With awkward hurriedness, Vicky stops as Kevin
frantically searches for a receptacle. He grabs a nearby
cup of beer.
EXT. STIFLER'S HOUSE - BACK PORCH, BY THE KEG - NIGHT
Insert -- A hand pumping up the keg. A fresh beer foams
out into the cup.
GUY #1
There we go.
INT. STIFLER'S HOUSE - MASTER BEDROOM - NIGHT - MOMENTS LATER
Vicky is buttoning up her shirt. Kevin tentatively sets
down the beer and buttons his pants. Suddenly the DOOR
BURSTS OPEN. Stifler is standing there. A coat hanger
sticks out of the doorknob.
STIFLER
SUCK ME, BEAUTIFUL!
KEVIN
God dammit, Stifler!
STIFLER
Check-out time! Please vacate the
room.
VICKY
Stifler, you're such a jerk.
She runs out, grabbing her clothes. Kevin runs after
her.
KEVIN
Vicky, wait!
Stifler enters the bedroom, laughing, pulling a SOPHOMORE
CHICK behind him. He closes the door.
SOPHOMORE CHICK
God, I can't believe there are so many
cool people at this party.
STIFLER
Yep.
SOPHOMORE
And you got a keg, too, wow.
(realizing)
Oh, wait, I left my beer downstairs.
Stifler notices Kevin's beer sitting on the night table.
He hands it to her.
STIFLER
Here, babe.
SOPHOMORE CHICK
Thanks.
She's about to take a sip.
STIFLER
(gazing into her eyes)
You're really beautiful.
Thrown off, she sets the beer down.
SOPHOMORE CHICK
Really?
STIFLER
Uh huh.
She's totally enthralled. Nervous, she raises the beer
again to take a sip. Then Stifler moves in. Takes the
beer from her and sets it down. Starts kissing her. She
breaks it off.
SOPHOMORE CHICK
I don't know if I want to be doing
this.
STIFLER
(sighs)
Doing what?
Stifler looks inconvenienced. He picks up the beer,
annoyed.
SOPHOMORE CHICK
You know. If we hook up, tomorrow
I'll just be some girl you go telling
all your friends about.
STIFLER
(shifty)
No way.
Avoiding her look, he raises the beer to take a sip.
SOPHOMORE CHICK
(a little angry)
Steve! You could at least look at me
when you say that.
Stifler stops and SIGHS, the beer inches from his mouth.
Lowers it. Stares her in the eye.
STIFLER
Look...
(searching, remembers)
...Sarah. I wouldn't go telling
stories or whatever about you. I
promise.
Smiling, he raises the beer...
INT. STIFLER'S HOUSE - KITCHEN - CONTINUING
Jim and some OTHER GUYS are pounding shots of vodka.
JIM
What the hell? I should be able to
talk to chicks. I'm articulate. I
got a 720 on my SAT verbal.
(starts listing off words)
Copious. Verisimilitude.
A GUY SCREAMS upstairs.
JIM (CONT'D)
(unaffected)
Intransigence.
A GIRL SCREAMS upstairs. The SOPHOMORE CHICK comes
running through the kitchen. SCREAMING. And
indeterminate stain is on her shirt. She bolts out the
door and into the night. A moment passes.
JIM (CONT'D)
Regurgitation.
INT. STIFLER'S HOUSE - BATHROOM - NIGHT
Stifler is on his knees, barfing in the toilet. Jim and
a few other guys rush in.
GUY #1
Oh, gross.
JIM
Jesus, what did you eat?
Stifler just keeps hurling. Kevin enters, holding the
remains of the tainted beer.
KEVIN
Stifler, how's the man chowder?!
Stifler barfs even more violently.
EXT. STIFLER'S HOUSE - BACK PORCH, BY THE KEG - NIGHT
Jessica and Vicky are refilling their beers at the keg.
Nadia waits patiently beside them with an empty cup.
VICKY
He likes it.
JESSICA
Of course he does. What about you?
Have you just never had one with Kevin
-- or have you never had one, period?
VICKY
I think I've had one.
JESSICA
Well that's a no. No wonder you're
not psyched about sex.
(starts filling Vicky's beer)
You've never even had one manually?
VICKY
...I've never tried it.
JESSICA
Are you kidding? You've never double-
clicked your mouse?
Vicky shrugs.
JESSICA (CONT'D)
Hell, just a pair of tight pants will
set me off.
(noticing Nadia next to them,
she passes the tap along)
Am I right or what, Nadia?
NADIA
(no bones about it)
You are right. The hands are not
always necessary.
JESSICA
(to Vicky)
See?
NADIA
In fact -- I should teach you my own
special method. I developed it myself
at the ballet institute in Prague.
You use nothing but the muscles of the
inner thigh.
Nadia walks off.
JESSICA
No wonder she never pays attention in
class.
Vicky nods, traumatized.
INT. STIFLER'S HOUSE - HALLWAY - LATER
Kevin and Jim are looking at a PICTURE OF STIFLER'S MOM
on the wall. Very attractive, late 30's.
JIM
Shit, I can't believe a fine woman
like this produced a guy like Stifler.
TWO FRESHMAN GUYS are walking by as Jim says this.
FRESHMAN GUY
Dude! That chick -- is a MILF!
FRESHMAN GUY #2
What the hell is that?
FRESHMAN GUY
M-I-L-F! Mom I'd Like to Fuck!
Suddenly, a bedroom door opens a couple inches. Sherman
pokes his head out.
SHERMAN
(hushed, to guys)
Don't you think you fellas could try a
little tact? I've got company. Know
what I mean?
In the bedroom in the background, we see the Central
Girl. Sherman closes the door, leaving the guys there,
dumbstruck.
INT. STIFLER'S HOUSE - STAIRWAY - NIGHT
Jim and Kevin are coming down the stairs.
KEVIN
(snapping)
Dammit! If Sherman has sex before I
do, I'm gonna be really fucking
pissed.
They turn the corner into the kitchen.
INT. STIFLER'S HOUSE - KITCHEN - CONTINUING
KEVIN
Man, I just gotta get laid already!
This blowjob thing is bullshit!
He stops. Vicky is there with Jessica. Staring at him.
Vicky quietly grabs her purse. Hurt. OTHER STUDENTS
watch, silently. Kevin doesn't know what to say.
VICKY
Jessica, can you drive me home?
JESSICA
Sure.
The guys watch as the girls head for the door.
KEVIN
Vicky, wait.
VICKY
Not for you.
The girls exit. Nobody says anything. Kevin is in
shock.
PARTY GUY (O.S.)
Yeti! I am the Yeti!
INT. STIFLER'S HOUSE - DAY
The next morning. The party is long over. Plastic beer
cups and various bottles litter the house, but it's not
trashed.
Jim is wandering around in a daze, holding his head. He
stumbles over a body. It's Kevin.
KEVIN
Ow, what the hell?
JIM
Sorry, I thought you were dead.
They walk over to the other side of the room. Finch is
sitting on the couch.
FINCH
Good morning gentleman.
JIM
Finch! Where were you last night?
What happened to the foolproof plan?
FINCH
I thought a fashionably late entrance
would enhance my appearance.
(off their looks)
When I got here, the Bacchanalia was
over and the nymphs had left.
Oz wanders in, still sullen. Takes a seat, sulking.
KEVIN
Feeling better, Oz?
OZ
I'm such a loser.
KEVIN
That's the spirit.
We hear FOOTSTEPS coming down the stairs. It's the
CENTRAL GIRL. She wears a "Central" sweatshirt. Sherman
follows behind her. The guys watch in disbelief as
Sherman and the girl speak hushed, intimately.
SHERMAN
(snippets of conversation)
...I'll never forget...thank you.
The Central Girl smiles. Notices the other guys
watching. Just gives Sherman a kiss on the cheek.
CENTRAL GIRL
Bye.
She exits. The guys are dumbfounded. Jaws hang.
Sherman looks triumphant. Strides over to the guys.
JIM
You did it.
SHERMAN
Fellas, say goodbye to Chuck Sherman,
the boy. I am now a man.
The guys are shocked and amazed.
SHERMAN (CONT'D)
I highly recommend you join the club.
KEVIN
I -- I don't get it, how the hell did
you do that?
SHERMAN
It was just my time, fellas, it was
just my time. Best of luck to you,
boys.
Sherman exits. Silence. The guys look like they just
lost the World Series on errors. They slowly take seats,
ruined.
KEVIN
I put in months of quality time with
Vicky. Sherman meets a chick for one
night and scores? This is just wrong.
OZ
No shit, I'm never gonna get laid.
How the hell am I gonna become this
Mr. Sensitive Man?
JIM
Jesus, we're all gonna go to college
as virgins. They've probably got
special dorms for people like us.
A long beat as they give this serious consideration.
Then, Kevin strides purposefully to the front of the
group.
KEVIN
Alright, I got an idea. But it stays
between us. Agreed?
They do.
KEVIN (cont'd)
Okay. It's really simple. We
make an agreement -- no wait, more
than an agreement.
JIM
Like a bet?
KEVIN
No, a pact. No money involved. This
is more important than any bet. Now
here's the deal: We all get laid
before we graduate.
A beat
OZ
Dude, it's not like I haven't been
trying to get laid.
KEVIN
This is different. This is better.
Think of when you're working out, Oz.
You need a partner, someone to spot
you. Someone to keep you motivated.
Oz nods, getting into it. Kevin smiles and continues,
arms outspread.
KEVIN (CONT'D)
That's what we are, we keep each other
on track. Prior to this day, we've
postured. We've procrastinated.
We've pretended. We've -- well I
can't think of other p-words, but
we've probably done them too.
JIM
Pontificated.
KEVIN
(ignoring him)
Separately, we are flawed and
vulnerable. But together, we are the
masters of our sexual destiny!
JIM
(kung fu voice)
Their tiger-style kung-fu is strong;
but our dragon style will defeat it!
OZ
(going on)
The Sha-lin masters from east and west
must unite!
KEVIN
Guys, guys -- you're ruining my
fucking moment here. Now think about
it --
Kevin jumps up on a chair.
KEVIN (CONT'D)
No longer will our penises remain
flaccid and unused! From now on, we
fight for every man out there who
isn't getting laid when he should be!
This is our day! This is our time!
And, by God, we're not gonna let
history condemn us to celibacy! We
will make a stand! We will succeed!
We will get laid!
Kevin jumps down off the chair, and puts his hand out in
front of him. One by one, the guys pile their hands on
top, in between them -- it's a pact! They break with a
CHEER. Woo-hoo!
STIFLER
(wandering down from upstairs)
What the hell are you losers doing?
They all stop. Stifler has a toothbrush hanging from his
mouth. A goatee of dried toothpaste.
FINCH
If I might ask, when you brush your
teeth, do you spit or swallow?
Stifler tries to give a retort to Finch, but turns green
and heads back upstairs.
INT. DOG DAYS - DAY
The guys are finishing up breakfast. Hot dogs & eggs.
KEVIN
Now, the sex -- it's got to be valid,
consensual sex. No funny stuff. And
no prostitutes, if you were thinking
about that, Finch.
Finch gives a wistful "Who, me?"
KEVIN (CONT'D)
So, I'm thinking prom is basically our
last big chance.
OZ
Dude, prom sucks.
KEVIN
I know, but think about it -- At the
parties that night. Chicks are gonna
want to do it.
JIM
Yeah, it's like tradition or
something.
KEVIN
Right. That gives us...
JIM
Exactly three weeks to the day.
They take this in with some trepidation.
KEVIN
Alright then. It's official. Any
questions?
There are none. Kevin raises his Pepsi.
KEVIN (cont'd)
To the next step.
The guys raise their drinks.
ALL
To the next step.
They toast. And from this, we go into our STRATEGIZING
FOR SEX MONTAGE:
INT. KEVIN'S BEDROOM - DAY
Jim sits in the room as Kevin goes through the yellow
pages. Finds a "Floral Delivery" listing. Kevin dials.
INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - SENIOR LOCKERS - DAY
Kevin, Jim, and Oz are pooling a few dollars together,
which Kevin takes. They part ways.
INT. JIM'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Oz is watching the Lifetime Channel as Jim looks on in
confusion. A Martha Stewart-type thing where they pain
pottery with little sponges. Oz looks dubious.
INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - CAFETERIA - DAY
Finch is unpacking his lunch. He carefully unfolds a
napkin to reveal a sandwich, crust removed. Other than
that, he's doing absolutely nothing.
INT. JIM'S BEDROOM - DAY
Jim is fiddling with a small, golfball-like camera
attached to his computer. The computer screen reads, "E-
DATE: We Make Love Happen." As Jim fiddles with the
camera, a window on the screen shows his real-time image.
He clicks an onscreen-button labeled "FREEZE IMAGE" --
the image freezes, showing Jim with an awkward grimace.
The screen reads, "IMAGE SENT."
INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGHS - LIBRARY - DAY
Kevin holds a copy of the HOLY BIBLE. We see he's in the
"Religion" section. Surrounded by piles of different
bibles. No luck.
INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - CAFETERIA - DAY
Finch pulls out a small mustard packet. He neatly snips
the end with scissors. Then rolls the packet, like a
tube of toothpaste, economically dispensing every last
bit of mustard.
INT. JIM'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Jim is on his computer. The screen reads "YOU HAVE 00
REPLIES." Jim is nonplussed.
INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - SENIOR LOCKERS - DAY
Kevin, Oz, and Jim are closely gathered around Kevin's
locker, holding their backpacks open. Kevin holds a big
shopping bag, which he turns over, and a box of condoms
falls out. He hands it over to Jim...and we see that the
guys' packs are full of various condom boxes.
INT. JIM'S BEDROOM - DAY
Jim has unraveled a bunch of condoms and is curiously
examining them.
And THE MONTAGE COMES TO AN ABRUPT END with a KNOCKING.
JIM
(shoving the rubbers into his
night table)
Just a minute!
He opens the bedroom door. Jim's Dad is standing there.
JIM'S DAD
(trying not to look inside)
Can I come in?
JIM
Yeah, sure.
JIM'S DAD
You're not...busy?
JIM
Dad, come in.
Jim's Dad reluctantly enters, carrying a brown paper bag.
He takes a seat on Jim's bed.
JIM'S DAD
(fatherly attempt)
Sit down, Jim. Let's talk.
Jim takes a seat next to his dad.
JIM
Okay.
JIM'S DAD
These are for you. From father to
son.
Jim looks at the bag. Uncomfortable. Hesitantly, he
takes it. Slowly, dreadfully, he pulls out a copy of
PERFECT 10.
JIM
Uh...dad...
Jim's Dad is doing his best to be the good father.
JIM'S DAD
Go ahead son, there's more.
Beyond embarrassed, Jim reaches into the bag. Cringes.
Pulls out a PENTHOUSE.
JIM'S DAD (cont'd)
Now, that one's a little more...a
little more...graphic.
JIM
I know, Dad.
JIM'S DAD
Oh, okay. Here's let me show you.
Jim's Dad takes the bag back. Pulls out a copy of
SHAVED.
JIM'S DAD (cont'd)
This, son, is your more exotic dirty
magazine.
JIM
Dad! I know!
JIM'S DAD
Do you know about the clitoris?
JIM
(through clenched teeth)
Yes dad.
JIM'S DAD
Sometimes it can be pretty hard to
locate.
JIM
(interrupting, hand up)
Thank you, dad, I got it.
JIM'S DAD
Okay, well that about covers it.
Jim MURMURS something incomprehensible.
JIM'S DAD (cont'd)
Now, let's put these somewhere where
your mother won't find them.
Jim's Dad takes the stack of magazines. He goes to open
Jim's night table. Jim freaks.
JIM
Wait!
But it's too late. Jim's Dad is face-to-face with the
unraveled prophylactics. He sours.
JIM'S DAD
(beaten)
I'll have to save this speech for
another day. I'm too worn out.
Jim's Dad exits, a condom stuck to the back of his pants.
INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - NEAR THE HALL OF FAME - DAY
Kevin is trying to talk to Vicky.
KEVIN
Did you get the flowers?
(no response)
What about the poem?
She doesn't care.
KEVIN (cont'd)
Vicky, please don't do this.
Vicky stares him right in the eye. Strong.
VICKY
I'll think about it.
She slams her locker and walks off. Jessica is nearby.
She's overheard.
JESSICA
Ah, you'll get her back soon enough.
That's easy, she likes you. What you
need to do is learn to press a girl's
buttons. You gotta give her what
she's never had.
KEVIN
What?
JESSICA
I'll give you a hint.
(hot, orgasmic)
"Ohhh, yeah, yeah!"
(flat)
Comprende?
KEVIN
You mean...and orgasm?
JESSICA
You got it, stud.
KEVIN
Well...I'm pretty sure I've --
JESSICA
(interrupts authoritatively)
No you haven't.
KEVIN
But that one time --
JESSICA
(shaking head)
No.
KEVIN
Well of course I'd want to give her
that. I mean, what do you think, I
don't care about her?
JESSICA
Do you?
KEVIN
Of course.
JESSICA
Do you love her?
Kevin squirms.
KEVIN
I -- I don't know, you can't ask me
that.
JESSICA
Well, if you want to get her in the
sack, tell her you love her. That's
how I was duped.
KEVIN
I don't want to dupe her, Jessica. If
I say it, I have to be sure I mean it.
JESSICA
Well it's up to you. The Big L, or
the Big O.
Suddenly Stifler comes running up, breathless.
STIFLER
Dickhead! You gotta see this.
INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - LITTLE AUDITORIUM - MOMENT LATER
The VOCAL JAZZ GROUP is practicing, singing one of those
doo-wop, Acapella love songs (i.e. "Love You Like I Do").
Singing with the group is none other than Oz. He's not
doing too badly, but mainly he's checking out the various
vocal jazz girls. Smiling at them, giving suave little
waves.
Kevin, Stifler, and Jim take seats in the back of the
auditorium, listening.
JIM
This is unexpected.
STIFLER
What did you cocks do to him? Shit,
if Coach Marshall sees this, he'll
kick Oz off the team on principle
alone.
The song finishes. Oz bounds up to the other guys.
OZ
Hey guys, you came to watch me in
action?
JIM
Yeah, I think you sounded pretty good.
STIFLER
I think you need your balls
reattached.
OZ
Keep it down, dude.
STIFLER
What the fuck are you doing here?
OZ
This place is an untapped resource.
Check it out, dude, these vocal jazz
girls are hot.
ANGLE ON SOME VOCAL JAZZ GIRLS
A few of the girls are gathering their stuff, one of whom
is HEATHER -- conservative-looking, cute.
VOCAL JAZZ GIRL #1
Hey, we've got Conan the Barbarian
singing with us.
VOCAL JAZZ GIRL #2
Maybe he'll crush some beer cans on
his forehead.
HEATHER
I think he's got a nice voice.
VOCAL JAZZ GIRL #1
(ribbing her)
Go talk to him, maybe you can teach
him how to read.
Heather shakes her head. BACK TO:
STIFLER
You dipshit, you're expecting to score
with some goody-goody choir-girl
priss?
OZ
Dude, watch me work. They go for
sensitive studs like me.
Oz waves goodbye to a final choir girl.
EXT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - COURTYARD - LATER
Finch is sitting on a bench, reading the paper, carefree.
Kevin and Jim approach.
KEVIN
This is your plan, Finch?
FINCH
Yep.
He turns a page. Skims the articles. A beat.
KEVIN
This. Right now.
FINCH
Uh-huh.
JIM
You're just gonna sit there and drink
your coffee?
FINCH
Mochaccino.
(then)
Actually, in the spirit of the pact, I
do need to ask for your cooperation in
one small matter.
KEVIN
Of course, Finch. What?
FINCH
Whatever you hear about me, you agree.
KEVIN
What are we gonna hear?
FINCH
You'll see. Gotta go. Sixteen
minute round trip.
JIM
Finch, don't you think it's about time
you learned to take a dump at school?
FINCH
When was the last time you looked at
the facilities here?
KEVIN
Fifteen minutes ago.
Finch shudders and walks away. Kevin and Jim stand
there, dumbfounded. An ENTHRALLED GIRL approaches.
ENTHRALLED GIRL
Uh, guys? Was that Paul Finch?
KEVIN
Yeah.
ENTHRALLED GIRL
You guys have like, seen him in the
locker room, right?
KEVIN
Yeah.
ENTHRALLED GIRL
Is it true that he's really...huge?
JIM
I have no idea. Finch showers in a
bathing suit.
KEVIN
(forced)
No -- it's true. He is...really...
big.
JIM
(loving it)
Yeah, enormous.
ENTHRALLED GIRL
Woah. Does he have a date for prom
yet.
JIM
Definitely not.
ENTHRALLED GIRL
No way!
She hurries off to a GROUP OF GIRLS, sharing the gossip.
They all seem very interested.
KEVIN
(dumbfounded)
Finch hasn't done a damn thing, and
he's got girls lining up already.
INT. KEVIN'S BEDROOM - DAY
Kevin is on the phone.
KEVIN'S BROTHER (V.O.)
Say that again, Kevin?
KEVIN
Uh...I thought you might know a trick
or something. To make her, you
know...
INTERCUT WITH
INT. SUSHI BAR - DAY
Kevin's brother is on his cell phone. A SUSHI CHEF
prepares food behind the counter.
KEVIN'S BROTHER
Orgasm?
The Sushi Chef looks up. Kevin's Brother turns away.
KEVIN
Yeah.
SUSHI CUSTOMER
(to Kevin's Brother)
What's good here?
KEVIN'S BROTHER
Try the spicy tuna hand roll.
KEVIN
What?! How do I do that?
KEVIN'S BROTHER
Uh -- forget that. Look, is that all
you're interested in? Ways to get
your girlfriend into bed?
KEVIN
Well, no. I think...I guess it would
be good to be able to return the
favor. I mean, it would be nice to
know she enjoys things as much as I
do.
KEVIN'S BROTHER
That's good, that's what I needed to
hear. Now you qualify.
KEVIN
Qualify for what?
KEVIN'S BROTHER
You've just inherited The Bible.
INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - BACK OF LIBRARY - DAY
Kevin is walking through the "Religion" Section. He
carefully looks about, making sure nobody's watching.
KEVIN'S BROTHER (V.O.)
It originally started as a sex manual,
this book that some guys brought back
from Amsterdam in the early eighties.
What to do with your tongue, things
like that. And each year, it got
passed on to one East student who was
worthy of it.
Kevin kneels down on the floor, near a section of various
bibles on the bottom shelf.
KEVIN'S BROTHER (V.O.)(cont'd)
After a couple years, guys started
adding their own techniques. Things
they figured out themselves.
Kevin slides out the section of bibles from the bottom
shelf. Pulls out a pocket knife. Flips up the bottom of
the shelf. Slides it out.
KEVIN'S BROTHER (V.O.)(cont'd)
You have to keep it a secret, and
return it at the end of the year. So,
now you know. Good luck.
There, a bit dusty, is an old book. Many extra pages of
notebook paper have been tucked into it, nearly breaking
the binding. The original title is now obscured -- over
it, someone has written "The Bible."
Remember when Indian Jones found that gold statue? It's
like that right now.
Kevin carefully pulls it out. Reverently flips through
it. Full of details. Explicit diagrams. Anecdotes.
And atop each handwritten page is a year, indicating the
date it was added.
Kevin reaches the last page. It's blank. He lightly
runs his hand down the empty page.
INT. JIM'S HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY
Jim enters his house, slinging his backpack off his
shoulder.
JIM
(yells)
Mom?! I'm home!
No response. Jim walks into the kitchen, noticing a
fresh-baked pie on the counter. Next to it is a note:
"Jimmy - Apple, your favorite. I'll be home late.
Enjoy! Love Mom."
Jim sniffs the pie, taking in the aroma. Then stops...as
a quizzical look spreads across his face.
After a moment of thought, he slides a finger into the
pie. Moves it around a bit, studying the consistency.
Then Jim becomes more curious. We can see the gears in
his head start to turn. He looks down at the pie like
it's... well, not a pie.
EXT. JIM'S HOUSE - DAY
Jim's dad gets out of his car, carrying his briefcase.
INT. JIM'S HOUSE - CONTINUING
Jim's dad comes in the door and stops dead in his tracks.
His face drops, appalled.
JIM'S DAD
Jim?
JIM
It's not what it looks like!
CUT TO:
INT. JIM'S HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY
Jim and his Dad sit in silence, opposite each other at
the table. Jim stares into his lap, humiliated. Jim's
dad is crushed. You've never seen such disappointment...
but he's trying to keep his chin up for Jim's sake.
In the middle of the table is the pie. It's decimated.
Mushed up, ruined...violated.
JIM'S DAD
(fighting back tears)
I guess...we'll just tell your
mother...that we ate it all.
INT. KEVIN'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Late. Kevin sits on his bed, reading a book -- the
Bible.
If all students studied the way Kevin's studying this
book, we'd have a nation of geniuses. He's scrutinizing
it. Turning it sideways and upside down as if trying to
decipher cave paintings.
INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - LITTLE AUDITORIUM - DAY
The Vocal Jazz Group is doing a song. Oz is singing
along, really making it look like he's into it. He
closes his eyes, singing with even more enthusiasm. As
the song ends, Oz continues just a moment more with his
shtick -- a little, heartfelt vocal "scat" to tag the
number. The thing is, it actually sounds really good.
Oz opens his eyes...to see the whole group -- especially
the girls -- looking at him, somewhat awed.
The CHOIR TEACHER is a smartly-dressed black woman.
CHOIR TEACHER
What the hell was that?
OZ
Sorry.
CHOIR TEACHER
No, it was good.
OZ
Oh, well...
(noticing Heather looking at
him, he acts "sensitive")
It came from the heart.
CHOIR TEACHER
Well then keep it coming.
(to everyone)
Alright, people, good work! Keep it
up and we'll do great at the state
competition.
Rehearsal wraps up, and Heather comes up to Oz.
HEATHER
Not bad, Chris.
OZ
(surprised himself)
Really? Hey, thanks -- Heather,
right?
HEATHER
Yeah...so...you've got this sort of...
Bobby McFerrin thing going there.
OZ
(no idea)
Yeah. Right, uh-huh.
(then, back into it)
I feel like I've discovered this whole
new side of me. Music is so
expressive.
HEATHER
(amused)
Okay.
(then)
I mean, I agree, but...aren't you
supposed to be out, like, trying to
decapitate someone with your lacrosse
stick or something?
Oz "gets serious" at this.
OZ
Oh sure. I know what people think.
It's like, Oz, he's just this kickass
lacrosse player -- I also play
football, by the way -- But that's
like...not all that I am.
HEATHER
Of course, I didn't --
OZ
(cutting her off)
I mean it really bothers me when
people try to pigeonhole me like that.
HEATHER
(sparking to this)
You? You think I don't get that?
God, it's like just because I don't
get drunk and barf every weekend,
people say "Oh, here's this goody-two-
shoes choir-girl priss."
Of course, this is what Stifler said about her. And for
a moment, this catches Oz off guard.
OZ
Yeah...so like, what else do you do?
HEATHER
(offended)
Well the same things you do. Hang out
with friends and stuff, you know,
whatever.
(then)
What do you think I do?
OZ
(genuine)
I just -- realized that I didn't know
anything about you. I was interested.
HEATHER
Oh...well that's okay. Cool.
EXT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - DAY
Kevin is walking home with Vicky. He's a couple paces
behind her, almost tagging along.
KEVIN
I was being selfish. And majorly
insensitive. And I'm a total idiot.
VICKY
I think "shithead" really says it.
KEVIN
Yes! I'm a shithead! I'm a complete
and total shithead!
She cracks a little smile.
KEVIN (CONT'D)
And I want to try to make it up to
you.
VICKY
How?
Vicky stops walking. Looks at Kevin.
EXT. VICKY'S HOUSE - DAY
Vicky's perfect suburban home...as we hear VICKY MOANING
IN ECSTASY.
VICKY (V.O.)
Oh...ungghhhhh!
KEVIN (V.O.)
Shhhh. Your parents are downstairs.
INT. VICKY'S BEDROOM - DAY
Tight on Vicky's face, in sexual bliss, writhing.
VICKY
Oh Kevin -- don't stop!
KEVIN
Just a second!
We see that Kevin is kneeling on the floor. Vicky's legs
are to both sides of him -- he's ducking down, consulting
the bible, which is hidden beneath the bed. It's open to
a page titled "The Tongue Tornado."
Kevin resumes, out of frame. Vicky goes nuts.
VICKY (cont'd)
(a little too loudly)
Oh, God!
Vicky reaches blindly for a pillow. She squeezes it over
her face, moaning into it.
VICKY (cont'd)
Moly shmmmt! Fmmkkkk!
Noticing that Vicky now can't see him, Kevin cautiously
pulls out The Bible from under the bed. Sets it next to
her. He constantly refers from the book to Vicky, and
back again.
INT. VICKY'S HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY
VICKY'S MOM is straining some pasta. On the fridge, we
see a collage in tribute to Vicky -- her senior portrait,
National Honor Society certificate, a report card.
VICKY'S MOM
(yells to Vicky's Dad)
Hon? Can you tell Vick to come on
down for supper?
VICKY'S DAD is at the table reading the paper. He gets
up with a GRUNT.
INT. VICKY'S BEDROOM - DAY
Vicky can barely control herself. She SCREAMS into the
pillow.
KEVIN
Vicky, shhh, you know there's no lock
on your door.
INT. VICKY'S HOUSE - STAIRWELL - DAY
Vicky's dad is trudging up the stairs.
INT. VICKY'S BEDROOM - DAY
Vicky wrestles with her own ecstacy. Groans. Kevin
keeps referencing The Bible. Whatever he's doing, it's
working.
INT. VICKY'S HOUSE - HALLWAY - DAY
Vicky's dad approaches the bedroom door.
INT. VICKY'S BEDROOM - DAY
Vicky is about to explode. She pulls the pillow off her
face, gasping.
INT. VICKY'S HOUSE - HALLWAY - DAY
Vicky's dad reaches for the doorknob.
VICKY (O.S.)
I'M COMING!
Vicky's dad shrugs, turns around, and heads back
downstairs.
INT. JIM'S HOUSE - HALLWAY - NIGHT
Jim's door opens...he winces...REVERSE to see Jim's dad
looking at the family portrait of Jim's family in the
hallway outside Jim's room, his back turned to Jim's
door.
JIM
Hey, dad. Did you knock?
Jim's dad continues to study the picture. A beat. Then
he turns around, like he just realized the door was open.
JIM'S DAD
Oh, Jim! I'm looking at the ol'
family portrait, here. Yep. It's a
good one.
Jim can only shrugs in response. He goes into the hall
and looks at the portrait. A beat.
JIM'S DAD (CONT'D)
Son, I wanted to talk to you about
what I think you were trying to do the
other day.
Jim's face drops, seeing his death unfold.
JIM'S DAD (CONT'D)
(continuing with his prepared
speech)
Now, you may have tried it in the
shower, or maybe in bed at night, and
not even known what you were doing.
Or perhaps you've heard your friends
talking about it in the locker room.
Jim's eyes dart about, looking for a place to hide.
JIM
Dad, please stop. Please. I'm sure I
know what you're talking about.
JIM'S DAD
Sure you know, son, but I think you've
been having a little problem with it.
It's okay, though. What you're doing
is perfectly normal. It's like
practice. Like when you play tennis
against a wall. Some day, there'll be
a partner returning the ball.
(a beat)
You do want a partner, don't you son?
JIM
(through clenched teeth)
Yes.
JIM'S DAD
That's great. Now remember, it's okay
to play with yourself. Or, as I
always called it --
(elbows Jim)
"Stroke the salami!"
(chuckles)
Ho-ho, Jim. There's nothing to be
ashamed of. Hell, I'm fifty-two, and
I still enjoy masturbating. Uncle
Mort masturbates. We all masturbate.
Nauseated and entirely disoriented, Jim tries to stumble
back into his room. He SMACKS the doorframe. Keeps
going, slamming the door behind him. A beat.
JIM'S DAD (cont'd)
Poor guy thought he was the only one.
EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - DAY
The football field also doubles as the lacrosse field.
East Great Falls is battling Central. It's a rough game,
muddy, brutal. We see Oz grunting and groaning, playing
very tough.
On the sidelines, we see Heather has shown up. She's
watching the game -- and is impressed as she watches Oz's
agility and domination. Oz runs up the field, cradling
the ball in his stick. A couple CENTRAL PLAYERS try to
check him. Heather cringes with each impact, and is then
excited to see Oz dodge his opponents.
Finally, Oz scores with a triumphant YELL. Heather
CHEERS with the crowd as the EGF players congratulate
each other.
EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - DAY
After the game. Oz sees Heather waiting for him on the
sidelines. He's about to run over when COACH MARSHALL
snags him --
COACH MARSHALL
Good work, Ostreicher.
OZ
Thanks coach.
COACH MARSHALL
You're a killer, Ozzy!
OZ
(trying to get away)
-- Thanks, coach --
FOLLOW WITH OZ as he trots over to Heather, covered in
mud.
OZ
Hey, what're you doing here?
HEATHER
Just enjoying my exhilarating first
lacrosse experience. You like,
"kicked butt."
A clod of mud falls from Oz's uniform onto Heather's
skirt.
OZ
(brushing it off her skirt)
Whoops, excuse me...
Oz wipes the mud from his hands. A beat. Heather has
something to say that's not quite coming out.
HEATHER
Um...Chris --
OZ
You can call me Oz.
HEATHER
Do I have to?
OZ
You can call me Ostreicher.
HEATHER
What's your middle name?
OZ
Forget it.
HEATHER
Come on! I won't tell.
OZ
Neither will I.
HEATHER
Okay.
(pause)
So I had this...thought, and...this
may seem like it's out of left field,
and I don't know if you can, but since
I'm not going with anyone --
Before she can finish, Stifler runs up, sweaty and
excited.
STIFLER
Hah! Central sucks!
(noticing Heather)
Choir Chick? What the hell are you
doing here?
HEATHER
Well, I uh, I was --
(decides to stand her ground)
I was asking Chris to prom.
(turns to Oz)
So do you wanna go?
Oz is surprised at her directness. Impressed.
OZ
Yeah!
STIFLER
Well, just don't expect Oz to pay for
the limo.
OZ
Stifler, fuck --
(noticing Heather, "sensitive")
...man, you don't have to be so
insensitive.
A beat.
STIFLER
What??
(he dismisses it)
Whatever -- look uh, don't forget --
my cottage after prom. On Lake
Michigan.
Stifler joins some other LACROSSE BUDDIES.
OZ
Alright, cool. I gotta hit the
showers, but...I think this'll be
really good.
HEATHER
Yeah, me too, okay, cool.
They share a smile. Then Heather walks off towards her
car. Oz trots off to Stifler and the other lacrosse
guys.
STIFLER
My man Oz, working it with the choir
babes?
LACROSSE BUDDIES
(cheering, slapping him)
Yeah, go Oz! etc.
Oz laughs, embarrassed.
OZ
(pandering to them)
Hey, you know, what can I say, I dig
those cute little sweaters she wears.
STIFLER
I'll bet you do, you little horndog,
she's givin' you fuckin' stiffies,
right?
Stifler goes into what can only be described as the Spank-
Me-And-Fuck-Me-Like-A-Whore-Dance.
STIFLER (CONT'D)
Yeah! Sing for me! yes!
The other guys LAUGH. Oz joins in, laughing in spite of
himself. They all high-five.
And from the other side of the field, we see Heather
peering over at them. Hardly believing it as Oz joins in
the laughter.
INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - CLASSROOM - DAY
English class. The TEACHER is wrapping up a lecture.
TEACHER
So once Hal becomes king, he has to
take on the responsibilities of
leadership, and turn his back on his
old, drunken friend, Falstaff. You
see, Hal was going through a rite of
passage, much like you all are. Make
the most of the time you've got left
together. You'll miss it later.
Jim, Kevin, and Oz sit in the back of the classroom in
one corner.
OZ
So does your tongue cramp up?
KEVIN
Nah, you get kind of dizzy though.
JIM
Wow, that's amazing, she's probably
gonna want to do it soon.
Kevin shrugs as the BELL RINGS. Sherman passes by.
SHERMAN
Still questing after the holy grail,
eh guys?
He CHUCKLES and exits. The guys stand up, exiting the
classroom.
JIM
Hey, where's Finch?
KEVIN
Went home to shit.
JIM
I don't get it. How does a guy like
that get this sudden reputation?
OZ
What reputation?
KEVIN
Observe.
He taps a passing RANDOM CUTE GIRL on the shoulder.
KEVIN (cont'd)
Excuse me. Do you know who Paul
Finch is?
RANDOM CUTE GIRL
Of course! Have you guys seen his
tattoo?
KEVIN
...Yes?
RANDOM CUTE GIRL
Is it cool? I heard it was like an
eagle, blazing in fire and stuff.
JIM
(nods, loving it)
Actually, it's an eagle and this big
python.
RANDOM CUTE GIRL
Really?!
JIM
Yeah, see it's on his stomach, here,
and the eagle -- the eagle is actually
grasping the python in its talons, so
the snake is like his --
KEVIN
(interrupting)
That's good, Jim.
RANDOM CUTE GIRL
Woah, no way! That guy is so cool!
She hurries off to tell her friends. The guys exit the
classroom.
INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - SENIOR HIGH LOCKERS - CONTINUING
OZ
Okay, explain.
KEVIN
I can't, I have no idea how he's doing
it. And that leaves you trailing,
Jim. You gotta get your act together.
JIM
(a little aggravated)
Yeah, I know. I'm working on it.
Jim turns around -- to find Nadia is standing right in
front of him. Jim says nothing. Stuck. Staring. Oz
elbows him. Jim gives a startled GRUNT.
NADIA
You are very good in the world history
class, yes?
JIM
(gulps)
Me?
Jim looks over to Kevin and Oz, who excitedly give him
encouraging looks and gestures.
JIM (CONT'D)
(trying to decipher the guys'
signals)
Yes. No. Yes.
NADIA
Perhaps you can help me with my
studies?
The guys nod, "Yes! Yes!"
JIM
Okay...that would be cool sometime.
(sees the guys gesticulating)
How 'bout tomorrow?
NADIA
Well, I do have ballet practice.
Perhaps I can come by your house
afterwards. I can change clothes at
your place?
JIM
(barely, overwhelmed)
I suppose that would be okay.
Nadia walks off. Jim collapses into Oz's and Kevin's
arms, like a marathon runner at the end of a race. They
pat him heartily in congratulations.
EXT. RAST GREAT FALLS - SIDE OF SCHOOL - DAY
After school. Oz is there as Heather pulls up in a new
Saab.
OZ
Nice car.
HEATHER
I'm glad you think so.
OZ
You don't like it?
HEATHER
No, I like the car.
(then, direct)
By the way, though, about prom? That
was like a bad idea. Sorry I invited
you.
She hastily walks towards the school.
OZ
What?!
HEATHER
Oh, please. I asked you because I
thought you might actually be worth
going with. But you are just a jock.
No wait. You're a jerk.
OZ
What? No I'm not.
HEATHER
I saw you making fun of me with your
lacrosse buddies.
OZ
I wasn't making fun of you.
HEATHER
Give me a break, you're so full of it.
She hurries up more, breaking off from Oz, and enters the
school. After a moment, he slowly heads in.
INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - LITTLE AUDITORIUM - LATER
Oz and Heather are singing with the group, at opposite
ends of the room. It's a pop, contemporary arrangement
of "HOW SWEET IT IS." It sounds jazzy, cool.
Oz looks dazed, like the wind's taken out of him. He
sings along, distant. Heather, almost defiantly, sings
clearer and better than ever. Oz watches her, though she
never looks his way. At the bride of the song, Heather
breaks into a solo. She sings beautifully. Oz is
hooked.
The Choir Teacher halts the song.
CHOIR TEACHER
Okay, Heather, that was good, but I
want to thicken up that solo.
Michigan State is this Saturday, and I
want that part to smoke.
HEATHER
I know, my timing's off.
CHOIR TEACHER
A little, but I think it'll work
better as a duet. With a tenor part.
OZ
(interrupting)
I'll do it.
A beat as the Choir Teacher is impressed and Heather
looks indifferent.
OZ (CONT'D)
I'll do it.
CHOIR TEACHER
Okay then. The rest of you okay with
that?
The rest of the choir agrees, as Heather looks to Oz with
skepticism.
CHOIR TEACHER (CONT'D)
Great. See you tomorrow.
The group starts packing up.
HEATHER
(annoyed)
Why are you doing this?
OZ
Because I want to.
HEATHER
Yeah? Well you can't fake your way
through this. You better practice.
She leaves.
INT. EAST GREAT FALLS - LIBRARY - DAY
Jim, Kevin, Oz, and Stifler.
STIFLER
Fuck me! You're gonna have a naked
Eastern-European chick in your house,
and you're telling me you're not gonna
take advantage of that?
JIM
What am I gonna do, broadcast her over
the internet?
OZ
You can do that?
JIM
(off their looks)
Oh -- no way. I can't do that to her.
STIFLER
Dammit, Jim, get some fucking balls.
If you don't have the guts to
photograph a naked chick in your room,
how are you ever gonna sleep with one?
Now all you gotta do is set up some
sort of private link or whatever on
the net, and tell me the address.
The guys ponder this.
KEVIN
You can send me the address too.
JIM
Well...dammit, if I'm doing this, how
the hell am I gonna watch?
KEVIN
I'll save you a seat.
INT. JIM'S BEDROOM - DAY
Jim is setting the computer camera on top of the monitor.
The computer BINGS.
COMPUTER VOICE
"You have established an internet
connection."
Jim sits. Types a quick E-mail. It reads: "OH YEAH!
128.220.27.102/tempt/NadiaVision. ENJOY!"
Jim scrolls through his list of E-mail addresses.
Highlights a listing. Clicks "Send."
INT. KEVIN'S BEDROOM - DAY
Kevin and Finch sit in front of a computer. Kevin is
unloading beer and chips from a grocery bag.
We see an image of Jim's bedroom on the computer screen.
It's a little strobed, but easily watchable. Suddenly
Jim's face pops into frame. He's adjusting the camera.
KEVIN
There we go.
INT. JIM'S BEDROOM - DAY
We see the same image on Jim's screen. Jim turns off
just the monitor. It looks like the computer is off --
the ruse is undetectable.
Jim's dad enters with Nadia. She's in sweats and a
leotard, carrying a duffel bag over her shoulder. Jim's
dad is delighted, fidgety, almost giddy.
JIM'S DAD
Son. This lady's here for you.
JIM
(like it's no big deal)
I know. Hey Nadia.
NADIA
Hello James. Ready to study.
JIM'S DAD
Oh, you bet he is. Jim's quite the
bookworm.
JIM
Dad.
JIM'S DAD
Oh, no, not too much of a bookworm.
He's a good little kid. Er, guy.
Man.
JIM
Dad!!
JIM'S DAD
Okay, okay. I'll let you hit those
books.
Jim's dad gives a knowing look and exits.
INT. STIFLER'S HOUSE - BROTHER'S BEDROOM - SAME TIME
STIFLER'S YOUNGER BROTHER, 11, a monster, is tugging at
Stifler, who sits at the computer, watching Jim's room.
STIFLER'S BROTHER
Steve! Steve! It's my computer and I
wanna use it!
STIFLER
Shut up and watch this, you might
learn something.
INT. JIM'S BEDROOM - DAY
JIM
So you need to change, right?
NADIA
Do you mind? This fabric is so
uncomfortable.
She sets her duffel on Jim's bed.
JIM
No, go right ahead and get dressed.
I'll just be downstairs, studying up.
Get me when you're ready.
Jim exits, closing the door behind him.
INT. KEVIN'S BEDROOM - DAY - SAME TIME
KEVIN
Here we go.
INT. JIM'S HOUSE - HALLWAY - CONTINUING
He's off! Jim sprints down the hall. Thunders down the
stairs.
INT. JIM'S HOUSE - CONTINUING
Jim's Mom and Dad are sitting downstairs. Jim bolts
through the room.
JIM
Be back in a sec!
He practically crashes through the door on his way out.
JIM'S MOM
Jim? Honey, where are you going?
She turns and looks at her husband. Both perplexed.
EXT. STREET - CONTINUING
Jim runs like hell.
INT. JIM'S BEDROOM - SAME TIME
Nadia unzips her duffel, pulling some clothes out.
EXT. KEVIN'S HOUSE - CONTINUING
Jim trucks across the lawn to the door.
INT. KEVIN'S BEDROOM - DAY
Kevin and Finch are watching the computer screen.
KEVIN
Want a beer?
Finch simply waves off the question. He's glued to the
screen.
Jim bursts into the room, breathless.
JIM
Did I miss anything?!
KEVIN
Just in time.
Jim grabs a seat by the computer. All three guys watch,
transfixed. Nadia is slipping out of her leotard.
JIM
Woah!
Nadia's leotard is off. Bra and panties. Outstanding
body.
INTERCUT BETWEEN JIM'S BEDROOM and the guys around the
computer screen in Kevin's Bedroom.
Nadia pauses. Looks in Jim's full-length mirror.
Admiring her body.
KEVIN
Oh, man! This is incredible.
And...yes! Nadia peels off her sportsbra. Supple
breasts. The guys are awestruck.
KEVIN (CONT'D)
I can't believe Oz had to work.
INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - LITTLE AUDITORIUM - DAY
Oz sits alone in the empty vocal jazz rehearsal area. He
sighs, leafing through some sheet music. It's as quiet
and boring as can be.
INT. STIFLER'S HOUSE - BROTHER'S BEDROOM - SAME TIME
Stifler and his brother are awestruck.
STIFLER'S BROTHER
This is like the coolest thing I've
ever seen.
INT. KEVIN'S BEDROOM - DAY - CONTINUING
JIM
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