PET DETECTIVE

Written by

Jack Bernstein

Tom Shadyac

Jim Carrey

EXT. STREET - DAY

A UPS Man with a big pot belly is walking down the street, whistling and carelessly tossing a

package in the air. We hear the sound of broken glass in the box. He passes a professional woman.

UPS MAN

Good morning, UPS!

He tosses the box behind his back like a basketball, then acknowledges another passerby.

UPS MAN

UPS, good to see you!

He takes a couple of steps, then flings the package incredibly high into the air, spins completely

around and expertly drops to one knee and catches the box. A Hispanic man passes.

UPS MAN

Buenos dias. Uo Pay eSsay.

EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING - DAY

The UPS Man dodges a couple of black kids as though playing basketball. He runs up the front

steps of the building. He reaches out to open the front door and inadvertently flings the package

behind him and back down the steps.

He goes back, retrieves the package, then enters the building.

INT. LOBBY - DAY

Several people stand in the elevator. The UPS Man just makes it, but the door closes on the

package... REPEATEDLY. He feigns embarrassment.

INT. 3RD FLOOR - DAY

ELEVATOR DOORS OPEN. The UPS Man throws the package out onto the floor and starts

kicking it down the hall like a soccer player. With one last big kick the parcel lands in front of

APARTMENT 3B. He picks it up and knocks on the door.

We hear a small dog barking.

GRUFF MAN (O.S.)

Shut the hell up, you stupid mutt!

An angry, burly man pokes his nose hairs out the chained door.

GRUFF MAN

What do you want?

UPS MAN

UPS, sir. And how are you this

afternoon? Alrighty then!

The man grumpily unchains the door. He's a big guy - 6'5", 250, and 50 of that is chest hair. A

small Shiatsu stands beside him.

UPS MAN

I have a package for you.

The UPS guy thrusts the package toward the man. We can clearly hear broken glass inside. The

man takes the package.

GRUFF MAN

It sounds broken.

UPS MAN

Most likely sir! I bet it was

something nice though! Now... I

haver an insurance form. If you'll

just sign here, here, and here,

and initial here, and print your name

here, we'll get the rest of the

forms out to you as soon as we

can.

The man begrudgingly begins to fill out the form. The dog wags his tail and whines. We can see

that he likes the UPS guy.

UPS MAN

That's a lovely dog you have. Do

you mind if I pet him, sir?

GRUFF MAN

(mumbles)

I don't give a rat's ass.

The UPS Man bends down and talks to the dog in a really sucky pet talk.

UPS MAN

Oo ja boo ba da boo boo do booo!

GRUFF MAN

(under breath)

Brother.

Before the Gruff Man can finish, the UPS Man stands back up and takes the form again.

UPS MAN

That's fine sir. I can fill out

the rest. You just have yourself

a good day. Take care, now! 'Bye

'bye, then!

THRASH MUSIC STARTS

INT. HALLWAY -- CONT'D

The UPS Man moves swiftly down the hall and into the stair well.

INT. APARTMENT 3B - CONT'D

The Gruff Man shakes the box, tosses it down and sits in front of the TV.

EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING - CONT'D

The UPS Man bursts from the front door and hustles down the street very quickly. He passes

several people.

UPS MAN

(quickly)

UPS, S'cuse me. UPS, comin'

through.

INT. APARTMENT 3B - CONT'D

We see the back of the Shiatsu staring at the crack in the front door. He has not moved an inch.

The Gruff Man looks over.

GRUFF MAN

Hey, stupid! Get away from the

door!

The dog doesn't budge and this really pisses him off. He gets up and heads for the dog.

GRUFF MAN

What's the matter with you, I said

GIT!!!

He roughly picks the dog up by the scruff of the neck, but as he turns it around we see that it is a

stuffed dog. Around it's neck is a business card that reads, "You have been had by Ace Ventura -

Pet Detective." He breathes fire.

GRUFF MAN

Son of a bitch!

He smashes the dog to the ground.

EXT. ALLEY - CONT'D

As the UPS Man/Ace rounds the corner, his shirt opens up at his pot belly and the Shiatsu's head

sticks out. Ace is gloating.

ACE

(announcer's voice)

That was a close one, ladies and

gentlemen. Unfortunately, in

every contest, there must be...

A LOOSER!

He jumps into an old beat-up Chevy Bel Air, and lets the dog out onto the passenger seat.

ACE (CONT'D)

LOOOHOOOSERRRHERRR!

He then pulls open the car's ashtray, and to the dog's delight, it's filled with puppy chow.

He tries to start the engine but it won't turn over. The dog shoots him a look.

ACE

(to dog)

No problem, it gets flooded.

We'll just wait a few seconds.

Ace sits back. SMASH!!!

From Ace's POV we see a Baseball bat shatter the front windshield.

ACE

Or, we could try it now.

Ace frantically tries to start the car. His new friend continues around the car beating the living shit

out of it.

ACE

Oooh, boy.

ACE'S POV

We see the creep wailing on the car in Ace's side view mirror.

ACE

Warning! Assholes are closer than

they appear!

The dog is barking insanely.

ACE

(to dog)

You think you can do better?!

The baseball bat is now pummeling the trunk.

ACE

Wanna give me a push while you're

back there?

BOOM! The back window shatters. Then the car's engine roars to life. Ace rejoices.

ACE

FARFEGNUGENNNNN!!!

Ace leaves the bad guy in a cloud of dust and gravel, screaming bloody murder.

EXT. MIAMI CITY STREETS - DAY

Ace and his new pal speed away freely.

Close on the happy dog, hanging his head out the car window. PAN across the broken windshield

to Ace, also hanging his head out the window to see where he's going.

The car drives by a sign on a telephone pole: "Reward" -- with a picture of the Shiatsu in Ace's

seat.

THRASH MUSIC ENDS

INT. HOUSE - DAY

A very sexy woman is hugging and kissing the Shiatsu.

WOMAN

My little baby. You missed mommy

didn't you? Did daddy hurt you?

I won't let him, no I won't. He

may have kept the big screen TV,

but he's not gonna keep my baby.

No he isn't.

(very sexy to Ace)

Thank you, Mr. Ventura. How can I

ever repay you?

She slinks over to Ace and puts her arms around his neck.

ACE

Well, the reward would be good,

and there was some damage to my ?

She cuts Ace off with a devastating kiss.

WOMAN

Would you like me to take you

pants off instead?

ACE

Ummmm?Sure.

She pulls him toward the bedroom.

WOMAN

It takes a big man to stand up to

my husband. He's already put two

of my lovers in the hospital.

ACE

How did he find out? Does he have

you followed.

WOMAN

No?I tell him

She plants a kiss on Ace's neck and pulls him down out of frame onto the bed.

EXT. DOLPHIN STADIUM PLAYING FIELD - DAY

The stands are empty, but there's plenty happening on the field. The Miami Dolphins are

practicing. Dan Marino is in top form, hitting pass after pass.

Behind one of the goal posts, the team's mascot, a rare dolphin (SNOWFLAKE), wearing #4, is

practicing his routine. The Trainer is dressed like a quarterback.

TRAINER

Blue! 42! Blue! 42! Hut! Hut!

Snowflake swims over, snatches a small football out of the Trainer's hand, and does an end zone

dance on his tail. He then returns the ball to the trainer.

The Trainer now sets the ball on the dolphin's tail and snowflake "kicks" a perfect field goal. The

Trainer blows a whistle and raises both arms.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. DOLPHIN STADIUM PLAYING FIELD - NIGHT

The stadium is now completely empty. Snowflake peacefully swims around his tank.

Suddenly, the water is illuminated by the headlights of an n.d. panel truck.

The rear door slides open. Two men jump out in wet suits.

They slip into the water while a third waits outside the tank.

Snowflake surfaces to check out the action. One of the men holds out a fish. Snowflake eagerly

takes it, then shudders as a large syringe is stuck into his back. Snowflake thrashes around.

Quick cut of a hand with the blur of a ring slamming against the tank. But the needle has done its

job. Snowflake quickly goes limp.

Snowflake is loaded into the back of the truck. Move in on Snowflake's face. His excited cackle

has turned into a painful whimper.

The truck skids away passing the guard gate. The guard is hog tied and gagged, struggling to free

himself.

INT. ADELLE'S FRIENDLY PET SHOP - NEXT DAY

Close up on a dead goldfish laying on a newspaper. We pull back to reveal ADELLE

ROSENBERG, the seventy year old owner of a cluttered pet shop. She's handing a live goldfish in

a bag to JENNIFER, a very sweet nine year old.

ADELLE

Here you go, honey. Now

remember?this kind of fish

doesn't like it in the freezer.

JENNY

But what's gonna happen to Dolly?

ADELLE

Don't worry, I'll make sure she

gets a proper burial.

Jennifer exits. Adelle calls to her cat, and tosses it the goldfish. The cat catches it in mid-air.

ADELLE

Rest in peace.

Ace enters the pet shop. It looks like he slept in his clothes.

ADELLE

Well?here comes another dead

fish.

ACE

Hi, beautiful. What time do you

get off?

ADELLE

Uh oh.

ACE

(suggestively)

I've heard some pretty great

things about your kibble.

ADELLE

Well, I hope I'm not getting a

reputation.

ACE

(switching to mock anger)

Just get me the food!

She chuckles at Ace as she loads a couple of bags with different kinds of pet food.

ADELLE

So?ahh, when can I expect you

to pay your tab?

ACE

I'm a little bit Sli Pickins,

right now, I'm a little Tight

Squeeze Louise, a little Welfare

Wolly, Potless Pissing Pete, I'm

ah ?

ADELLE

If you were a horse I'd shoot ya'.

Just take it.

ACE

Gravy! I'm good for it, Adelle.

I'm on a very big case right now.

Ace reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a flyer with a picture of a white pigeon.

ACE

See this pigeon? It's a true

albino. Some rich guy lost it.

He's offering a ten thousand

dollar reward.

ADELLE

Wow, albino pigeons are very

rare. How are you going to find

him?

ACE

Just keep my eyes open, and hope

to god it doesn't snow.

Ace grabs his bags and heads for the door.

ADELLE

You're a good boy, Ace. A good

boy.

He holds the door open for an elderly gentleman who is entering at the same time. The gentleman

is walking a toy poodle on a leash. The poodle is dragging its butt along the entire length of the

floor. Ace and Adelle just stare.

ELDERLY MAN

(in a loud voice)

Do you have anything for ringworm?

EXT. SURFSIDE APARTMENT COMPLEX - DAY

Ace enters the courtyard of a two story U-shaped apartment complex carrying his groceries. It's a

crappy joint but he calls it home. Inside an open apartment on the ground floor, the landlord, MR.

SHICKADANCE, sits watching TV, stuffing his face with cheese doodles. Ace sneaks past the

door and up the stairs.

EXT. SECOND FLOOR - DAY

Ace is just putting the key in the door when the landlord steps up behind him. Ace is startled by

the dreaded 'Shickadance Rasp' (not unlike Linda Blair in THE EXORCIST).

LANDLORD

Venturaaaaa?

Ace straightens up, but doesn't turn around.

ACE

Yes, Satan?

Now Ace turns around in mock surprise.

ACE

Oh, I'm sorry, sir. You sounded

like someone else.

LANDLORD

Never mind the wise cracks

Venturaaa. You owe me rent!

ACE

Mr. Shickadance?I told you,

you're my first priority! As soon

as I find the white pigeon,

you're paid!!

LANDLORD

I heard animals in there Ventura!

I heard 'em again this morning,

scratchin' around.

ACE

I never bring my work home with

me, sir.

The landlord notices the bags of kibble.

LANDLORD

Oh, yeah? What's all this pet

food for?

ACE

(beat)

Fiber.

The landlord isn't buying it.

ACE

You wanna take a look for

yourself? Go head.

Ace rattles his keys in the door. Then he swings it open and turns on the light. The house is clear.

Ace walks in as the landlord stands there snooping and sniffing the air.

ACE

Well?are you satisfied?

LANDLORD

(still suspicious)

Yeah, but don't ever let me catch

you with an animal in there,

that's all!

ACE

Okay then. Take care now. 'Bye

'bye.

The landlord walks away as Ace closes the door.

ACE

(quietly to himself)

LLOOSER.

He then turns to the room and gives a distinct whistle.

CHAOS ENSUES! Animals jump out from every direction. Lizards crawl out of drawers, birds fly

through the air, all of them gravitating to Ace.

ACE

(to his flock)

Ooshhooboobooboodoodoo!

INT. MIAMI DOLPHIN HEADQUARTERS - LATER THAT DAY

The very imposing office of BOBBY RIDDLE, owner of the Miami Dolphins. Riddle, 70, is a

take charge, doesn't take crap from anyone type of guy. He is yelling at ROGER PODACTER,

an ex-linebacker in his early sixties, and MELISSA ROBINSON, Podacter's attractive assistant.

RIDDLE

I just want to know one thing; How

the hell do you lose a 500 pound

fish?!

Melissa's about to speak but hesitates.

RIDDLE (CONT.)

What?

MELISSA

It's not a fish, sir. It's a

mammal.

An angry Riddle stands up.

RIDDLE

Oh, thank you very much, Mrs.

Jacque Cousteau!

PODACTER

Bob, she didn't mean anything by

it.

RIDDLE calms down a little, and sits.

RIDDLE

(calmer)

Listen, personally, I don't give a

good god damn about a fish.

He looks at Melissa. She doesn't dare say anything.

RIDDLE (CONT.)

All I care about is winning this

Super Bowl! I want the players'

head in the right place. Shit,

Roger, you've been in this game

long enough, you know how

superstitious players are. Our

quarterback's been putting his

socks on backwards since high

school. And I got a lineman who

hasn't washed his jock in two

years because he thinks flies are

lucky! I want that god damn fish

on the field Super Bowl Sunday!

FIND THE FISH, OR FIND NEW JOBS!

INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS ACTION

An upset Podacter and Melissa walk through the hallway.

PODACTER

Why did it have to happen now? I

got three stinking years left till

retirement.

MELISSA

I've got forty.

PODACTER

I'll tell you who did it. It was

those goddamn animal rights nuts!

Always out there with their

goddamn signs, ANIMALS WERE BORN

FREE, STOP TORTURING SNOWFLAKE!

That goddamn fish lives better than

they do!

They stop outside Melissa's office by her secretary's desk.

MELISSA

The police are checking into the

animal rights people.

(to secretary)

Martha, have the police called

back about the dolphin yet?

MARTHA

No, but I wanted to tell you, when

I lost my Cuddles, I hired a pet

detective.

PODACTER

A what?

MARTHA

A pet detective.

MELISSA

Thanks Martha, but we'd better

leave this to professionals.

MARTHA

Well actually, he was quite good.

Pet detection is a very involved,

highly scientific process.

CUT TO:

EXT. ROOF OF HOUSE - SAME TIME

CLOSE ON ACE - COOING like a pigeon. Widen to reveal, Ace precariously perched on the

roof of a two story building. He is four feet away from "The" pigeon. Ater a beat, he makes a

mad, spastic, yet scientific, lunge for the bird.

ACE

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

The bird makes a clean getaway. Unable to stop his momentum, Ace flies past the edge of the

building and slides down the side of the roof.

EXT. GROUND - CONTINUOUS ACTION

BAM!!! Ace crashes to the ground. As he lies face down, in a heap of trash, his beeper goes off.

EXT. DOLPHIN HEADQUARTERS/BOBBY RIDDLE STADIUM - DAY

Parking lot. Ace's clunker drives by some real nice cars. Employees stare at him.

INT. SECURITY CHECK POINT - DAY

A stern guard is admitting people into the stadium. He scans each one with a security detection

wand.

MAN #1

Art Wheeler. Sporting supplies.

The guard scans him. He goes.

MAN #2

Tom Anderson. Concessions.

The guard scans him. He goes.

ACE

Ace Ventura. Pet detective.

The guard stares at Ace, accusingly.

INT. MELISSA'S OFFICE - DAY

Martha enters.

MARTHA

Ah?Mr. Ventura to see you.

MELISSA

Okay, send him in.

Martha exits, Ace enters.

MELISSA (CONT.)

Hi, I'm Melissa Robinson. Did you

have any trouble getting in?

ACE

No, the guy with the rubber glove

was surprisingly gentle.

MELISSA

(apologetically)

Super Bowl week. Security's

tight. Mr. Ventura, I'll get

right to the point?

She slips a tape in the VCR and gestures for Ace to sit.

MELISSA

Our mascot was stolen from his

tank last night. Are you familiar

with Snowflake?

The tape shows Snowflake doing a trick. The trainer, dressed like a quarterback, shouts out

signals.

TRAINER (ON TAPE)

Blue! 42! Blue! 42! Hut! Hut!

Snowflake swims over, snatches the small football out of the trainer's hand, swims the length of

the pool, does an end zone dance on his tail, then returns the ball to the trainer.

MELISSA (O.S.)

We got Snowflake from the Miami

Seaquarium. He's a rare Bottle

Nose Dolphin. That's the new

trick he was going to do during

the half-time show.

While Ace studies the tape, he chews sunflower seeds in a bird-like fashion, placing the shells in a

neat little pile on her desk.

MELISSA

Would you like an ashtray?

ACE

No, I don't smoke.

He adds more shells to the pile.

Melissa is already wondering if she has made a mistake.

MELISSA

To be honest, Mr. Ventura.

I'm pretty skeptical. Before

today, I didn't even know there

was such a thing as a pet

detective.

ACE

Well, now that you do, you'll know

who to call if your Schnauser ever

runs away.

MELISSA

How did you know I have a

Schnauser?

Ace pulls a, invisible-to-the-naked-eye dog hair off here blouse and presents it to her.

ACE

He's young, about five pounds,

black coat, white speckles?

(sniffs the hair)

卨ikes to chase cars.

MELISSA

Very impressive.

ACE

You should see what I can do with

a good stool sample.

MELISSA

I can hardly wait. Look, we've

got a problem. Can you help me or

not?

ACE

(coy)

Well, sea faring creatures aren't

really my expertise?

MELISSA

We'll give you three thousand

dollars on delivery.

Ace immediately becomes the narrator of a nature show.

ACE

The dolphin is a social creature.

Capable of complex communication.

Traveling in large groups or

schools?

EXT. PLAYING FIELD - A SHORT TIME LATER

The Dolphin players practice. A crowd of reporters interview Marino.

MARINO

We just choked in 82. We had a

chance to win it and we didn't.

Nobody's gonna choke this time,

and if they do, I'll kill 'em.

Ace and Melissa head for Snowflake's tank.

MELISSA

The police were here this morning.

Apparently, the kidnappers used

the back gate.

Ace bends down to look at some tire tracks on the field.

MELISSA (CONT)

They said some kind of a ?

ACE

Four wheel drive van?loaded from

the rear.

Ace sniffs the turf. Podacter enters nervously.

MELISSA

Oh, hi, Roger. How are you holding

up?

PODACTER

Well if it looks like I'm walking

funny it's because I have a bunch

on reporters up my ass. They've

been asking me about Snowflake all

day. Who's this?

MELISSA

Roger Podacter, meet Ace Ventura.

Ace is our pet detective.

Podacter shakes his hand.

PODACTER

Nice to meet you. Martha Metz

recommended you very highly.

ACE

Martha Metz? Martha Metz. Oh

yeah, the bitch.

PODACTER

What?

ACE

Pekinese. Hyperactive. Lost in

Highland Park area. She was half

dead when I found her. Is that

the tank?

They both follow Ace as he makes a B-line.

EXT. SNOWFLAKE'S TANK - MOMENTS LATER

The tank is empty.

ACE

Cops drain it?

MELISSA

Yes. This morning.

Ace hops on the ladder.

ACE

If I'm not back in five

minutes?call Lloyd Bridges.

INT. DOLPHIN TANK - MOMENTS LATER

While eating sunflower seeds, Ace meticulously examines the tank, including the scratches where

the hand banged up against the wall when Snowflake was stolen. All the while, he is singing a

bastardized version of the theme from, "Flipper."

ACE

匴onderful Flipper?glorious

Flipper?magnificent

Flipper?The flippiest Flipper?

Podacter and Melissa, watching from the rim, look at each other like, "What have we gotten

ourselves into?" Podacter spots something.

PODACTER

Oh, great.

A hoard or reporters are headed their way.

PODACTER (CONT)

I'll try to head them off.

MELISSA

(to Ace)

Get out of the tank.

ACE

(still singing)

匔an't hear you Flipper,

Flipper?Lookin' for Flipper,

gotta find Flipper?

MELISSA

I said, get out of the tank! Now!

The reporters draw closer. Podacter heads them off.

REPORTER

So where's Snowflake?

PODACTER

Ah?Snowflake is just, ah, not

available right now.

REPORTER

Come on, I'm supposed to get a

shot of his new trick for the

evening news.

REPORTER #2

What? Is he sick?

Other reporters chime in.

VARIOUS REPORTERS

Did something happen to

Snowflake?! What're you

hiding..?!

Melissa and Podacter don't know what to say. Then, a strange voice is heard.

ACE/HEINZ (O.S.)

(unrecognizable accent)

How cun I be getting dis vork dun

mit all da shouting? What for is

dis shouting?

REPORTER

Who the hell is that?

MELISSA

That? That's?

ACE/HEINZ

Heinz Kissvelvet. I am Trainer of

Dolphins. You vant to talk to ze

dolphin, you talk to me!

REPORTER

What happened to the regular

trainer?

ACE/HEINZ

Vy do you care about the dolphin?

Do you know him? Does he call you

at home? Do you have a dorsal

fin?

(beat)

To train ze dolphin, you must zink

like ze dolphin. You must be

getting oonside ze dolphin's head!

Just yesterday I'm asking

Snowflake?"ee, eee, eee." He

said, "Eee, eee, eee, eee." Und

you can quote him.

Ace spits at the reporters' feet. Podacter jumps in.

PODACTER

Gentlemen, please, Coach Shula's

press conference is just about to

begin. Why don't I take you over

there and let, ah, Heinz, do his

job.

He ushers the press away.

MELISSA

(sotto to Ace)

Are you finished, Heinz?

ACE

Not yet.

Ace goes to the filter outside the tank, opens it, and pours out its contents ?mainly leaves, small

twigs and gunk. He roots through it, notices a very tiny amber stone. He smiles to himself.

ACE

Now I'm finished.

EXT. METRO POLICE DEPARTMENT - LATER THAT DAY

A flurry of activity in the detective division. As Ace enters, several cops taunt him on sight, led by

the obnoxious, SERGEANT AGUADO.

AGUADO

Hey, Ventura! Make any good

collars lately?

ANOTHER COP

Or were they leashes?

They all bust up. Aguado spots a bug on the ground.

AGUADO

Uh oh.

(steps on the bug)

Homicide, Ventura!

The cops are falling all over themselves laughing.

AGUADO

How you gonna solve this one?!

Ace walks up to them and looks at the squashed bug.

ACE

Good question, Aguado?first I'd

establish a motive. In this case

the killer saw the size of the

bug's dick, and became insanely

jealous.

The other cops all react with a big "ooooooo". Aguado has no comeback. Ace comes face to face

with him.

ACE

Then I'd lose thirty pounds

porking his wife.

Aguado suddenly loses it and swings at Ace.

With a lightening move, Ace sidesteps the punch and forces Aguado's face down next to the dead

bug.

ACE

Now kiss and make up.

Ace walks off.

ACE

(to himself)

LLLOOOSER!

Ace walks to the desk of EMILIO ECHAVEZ, a young energetic member of the homicide

division. Ace has a silly impish look on his face.

ACE

(playfully)

I miss you.

EMILIO

It's not a good time, Ace. If

Einhorn sees me talking to you I'm

gonna be history.

ACE

Okay. Just tell me what you got

on Snowflake. That's all I need.

EMILIO

匢 can't say anything. My hands

are tied.

ACE

(effeminate)

Sounds like my kind of a party.

A cop comes to Emilio's desk.

COP

Look alive, Einhorn's on her way

down.

EMILIO

Ace, please?!

ACE

Just tell me who's working the

case?

EMILIO

Aguado.

ACE

Aguado?! He's pimple juice! He's

the poster child for lead paint

chip eaters!

EMILIO

Look, Ace. We're a little busy

with murderers and drug dealers.

A missing dolphin isn't exactly a

high priority.

The elevator is getting closer.

EMILIO

Ace, gimme a break will ya?

Ace nonchalantly sits back in a chair, pops a sunflower seed into his mouth and cracks it loudly.

EMILIO

(quickly)

Okay, okay. We checked all the

local animal rights groups,

taxidermists, and we're running a

check through DMV on all recent

van rentals. So far, nada.

ACE

Any unusual bets being made?

EMILIO

Ace, it's the Super Bowl, of

course there's bets being made.

ACE

What'd you find out about the

tank?

EMILIO

Nothing weird. Just the tire

tracks and the exit route. The

guard didn't see anything.

ACE

That's it?

EMILIO

That's it. I swear. Now please

go away!

ACE

You know something?

(again impish)

YOU'RE NICE!

Ace gets up and exits the room. Then just as Emilio sighs with relief, Ace pops back in.

ACE

What about crazy Philly fans?

The elevator bell rings. Out steps police LT. LOIS EINHORN, mid 30s, with a slender build, a

great pair of legs and a bad tude.

ACE

Holy Testicle Tuesday!

EINHORN

(to Emilio)

What the hell is he doing here?

ACE

I came to confess. I was the

second gunman on the grassy knoll.

EINHORN

Spare me the routine, Ventura. I

know you're working the Snowflake

case. May I suggest you yield to

the experts on this one? We'll

find the porpoise.

ACE

(mock relief)

Whewww?now I feel better!

Ace turns to go.

ACE (CONT)

Of course, that might not do any

good. You see, nobody's missing a

porpoise. It's a dolphin that's

been taken. The common Harbor

Porpoise has an abrupt snout,

pointed teeth, and a triangular

thorasic fin, while the Bottlenose

Dolphin, or Tursiops Truncatus,

has an elongated beak, round,

cone-shaped teeth, and a

distinctive serrated dorsal

appendage. (beat) But I'm sure

you already knew that. (beat)

That's what turns me on about you.

Hey?maybe I'll give you a call

sometime, lieutenant. Your number

still 911? Alrighty then!

Ace exits.

CUT TO:

INT. TEA ROOM - NIGHT

A wild thrasher club. An incredible thrash band is on stage cranking. Kids jump wildly into the

"moshing" pit.

Ace enters, sees a burnout at the bar whose head is circling insanely to the music.

ACE

(shouting)

Excuse me?! Is Greg here?!

The burnout's head thrashes on. No acknowledgement of Ace.

ACE

Thank you!

Ace heads for the basement stairs.

INT. BASEMENT STAIRS - NIGHT

Ace descends the stairs, stopping at a large steel door. Ace bangs on it three times. A voice is

heard from inside.

VOICE (O.S.)

Password!

ACE

Tom Vu! I pay for sex! You can

too!

CLICK! The door electronically unlatches and slides open.

INT. BASEMENT - NIGHT

Ace enters. Green Peace "Save the Whales" posters abound. GREG/WOODSTOCK, a laid

back, ex-hippy with long gray hair, sits at a very impressive computer set up. Ace and he have

their own distinct banter.

A thud from above. Ace looks up.

ACE'S POV

Part of the ceiling is made of metal grating, so you can see the bottom of the dance floor. A guy's

face gets smashed into the grate. We see that it is the burnout from the club.

ACE

(to burnout)

Found him!

WOODSTOCK

Hey! St. Francis! How's it goin?

ACE

Super, and thank you for asking.

Hope you're having a nice day.

WOODSTOCK

Do you?

ACE

Don't I? And what are you up to?

WOODSTOCK

Just watching the fishies, man.

There is a BLIP on the computer screen.

WOODSTOCK

Alright, you're just in time for

the party. You see those blips?

ACE

I certainly do.

ON THE SCREEN

A map with several ships on the ocean.

He quickly taps in some commands and the ships start sailing in all different directions.

WOODSTOCK

That's a Norwegian whaling fleet.

I'm sending them new directional

coordinates?They'll find Jimmy

Hoffa before they find any

Humpbacks.

ACE

Gravy.

Woodstock moves to a different screen.

WOODSTOCK

Check this out.

More computer graphics come up on the screen.

WOODSTOCK

Just changed the formula for

Purina's puppy chow.

(turns to Ace)

Too much filler, don't ya' think?

ACE

(acting turned on)

I'm very attracted to you right

now.

Woodstock chuckles.

WOODSTOCK

Are you?

ACE

Aren't I? Can you still tap into

all the aquatic supply store in

the area?

WOODSTOCK

Of course I can. Why?

ACE

I want to trace the sale of any

equipment for transporting or

housing a dolphin within the past

few months?

WOODSTOCK

C'mon, Ace. I thought you might

have a challenge for me?

Woodstock starts hacking away.

ACE

Okay then, try to remember the

sixties.

WOODSTOCK

Wow! God one! Let's see?

Marine winch sling, feeder fish,

20,000 gallon tank?

He waits. We hear a beep.

WOODSTOCK

That's it. I found the culprit.

ACE

Who is it?

WOODSTOCK

(dramatically)

匰ea World.

ACE

卋astard.

WOODSTOCK

Hang on, hang on?

(He taps a couple keys)

Well, what do we have here?

That's a lot of equipment for a

civilian.

The printer spits out some data. Woodstock rips off the page and hands it to Ace.

ACE

Ronald Camp? The billionaire?

WOODSTOCK

Billionaire and rare fish

collector.

ACE

RRREHEHEALLY!

A PICTURE OF CAMP

Comes up on the computer screen.

WOODSTOCK

That, my friend, is the face of

the enemy.

He pages through his file on screen.

WOODSTOCK

匒lways tryin' to get his hands

on endangered species?

Newspaper articles fill the screen. One shows a picture of Camp and some Dolphin players.

ACE

Hold on, this guy's connected with

the Dolphins?

Ace leans in.

WOODSTOCK

Camp donated the land the new

stadium's built on.

(re: article)

Oh, look at this, he's throwin'

another, "I'm the richest man in

the universe" party.

ACE

(thinking)

Hmmm?I wonder if I can find

myself a date.

INT. CAMP'S MANSION - NIGHT

It's a magnificent home. There is an extremely formal party in progress. Twenty to thirty people

having champagne, caviar, and hot air. We see Dan Marino sitting with an audience around him.

DAN

We just choked in 82. We had a

chance to win and we didn't. But

nobody's gonna choke this time; if

they do, I'll kill 'em!

Everybody laughs.

EXT. CAMP'S MANSION - NIGHT

Ace and Melissa climb an impressive stairway leading to Camp's mansion.

MELISSA

I'm really going out on a limb

here, Ventura. Camp's social

events are strictly A-list.

ACE

(a la Love Connection)

'Well, Chuck?the date started

off good, but just before we got

to the party, she seemed to tense

up.'

Melissa rolls her eyes, then taps a huge door knocker.

MELISSA

I swear, if you do anything to

embarrass me in front of Camp?

ACE

You mean like this?

Ace starts doing a spastic body convulsion. Just then a bald-headed butler, who looks a little like

Gavin McCloud, opens the door. Ace doesn't notice until Melissa hits him with her purse.

ACE

Owwwe!!!

He sees the butler.

ACE

Oh, hi Captain Stubing.

Melissa storms in, already pissed.

INT. CAMP'S MANSION - CONT

Ace and Melissa enter. Camp looks over.

CAMP

Melissa! Glad you could make it!

Oh, and who is this?

MELISSA

This is my date. He's a?

lawyer.

CAMP

Well, does he have a name, or

should I call him "Lawyer"?

MELISSA

I'm sorry, it's Ace - ah, Tom Ace.

Ace is very unimpressed with her lying ability. He jumps in.

ACE

Tom Ace. Wonderful to meet you,

Mr. Camp, and congratualtions on

all your success. You smell

terrific.

CAMP

Ah, well, thank you. Please, come

in.

Ace boldly leads the way over to an hors 'oeuvre table. Melissa closely follows.

MELISSA

(sotto)

This is insane. There's no way

that Camp stole Snowflake.

ACE

(spreading pate' on a cracker)

Will you just keep him occupied,

while I work my magic please.

She crosses the room. He puts the cracker in his mouth and begins to crunch. A man in a tux

beside Ace spreads pate' on his own cracker.

ACE

(with a mouthful, to man)

Smooshy, isn't it?

Off the stuffy man's reaction?

INT. CAMP'S MANSION - SECONDS LATER

Ace approaches Camp.

ACE

Excuse me, Ron, I need to use the

bathroom?

(palms his stomach, whispering loudly)

I think it's the pate'.

CAMP

Um, it's just over there.

ACE

Thanks. Stuff probably looks

better on the way out, huh?

Ace laughs, slaps Camp hard on the back and heads for the bathroom.

INT. BATHROOM - CONT

Ace wastes no time. He locks the door, turns on the water faucet, steps onto the toilet seat, opens

and climbs out a window.

EXT. MANSION COURT YARD - CONT

Ace drops to the ground. He follows a pathway, through a gazebo and into a doorway, all the time

quietly singing the musical score to 'Mission Impossible'.

INT. CAMP'S MANSION - FISH TANKS - CONT

Ace browses through a myriad of dramatically lit, salt water tanks, still singing. They're all filled

with colorful exotic fish. Very impressive, but nothing large enough to house a dolphin. He

continues on towards a large door.

INT. TANK ROOM - SECONDS LATER

A huge above-ground tank is covered with curtains to discourage onlookers. Ace swings open the

large door and enters.

ACE

Gravy.

Ace climbs a ladder on the side of the tank, singing more intensely now. The ladder leads to a

narrow catwalk over the center of the water. Ace grabs a feeder fish from a pail and walks

carefully out there.

CLOSE ON ACE. THIS IS IT.

He looks into the dark pool, but sees nothing. Now he stops singing, quietly squats down and

dangles the fish over the water.

ACE

(gently)

Snowflake?Here, Snowflake?

Snooowflaaaake?

A GREAT WHITE LUNGES OUT OF THE WATER AND SNAPS ITS JAWS AN INCH

FROM ACE'S FACE!!! NEEDLESS TO SAY, ACE IS A TAD SURPRISED.

He reels back, falling off the catwalk, into the water.

INT. CAMP'S MANSION - SAME TIME

Melissa is admiring some beautiful tropical fish. Camp approaches.

CAMP

Wonderful, aren't they?

MELISSA

(nervously)

Yes. They're incredible.

CAMP

No matter what is going on in my

life, I can always watch them

swim and be completely at peace.

INT. INDOOR POOL ROOM - SAME TIME

The water is still for a moment. Then, Ace breaks the surface.

ACE

(frantic, to himself)

It's not Snowflake?It's not

Snowflake.

Instantly, Ace's body is thrashed around back and forth through the water, the entire length of the

pool.

ACE

(screaming)

IT'S NOT SNOWFLAAAAKE!!! IT'S NOT

SNOWFLAAAA!!!

INT. CAMP'S MANSION - LATER

A line is forming outside the bathroom. Camp and Melissa are seated nearby. He's getting curious.

CAMP

Are you sure he's okay? It's been

an awfu;;y long time.

MELISSA

Who, Tom? Oh, I'm sure he's fine.

Ace suddenly opens the bathroom door and stands there, completely drenched from head to toe,

with his pants in shreds. Everyone stops. They all stare at Ace in amazement.

ACE

(loudly to the entire room)

DO NOT GO IN THERE!

(fanning the air)

Whewww!!

EXT. CAMP'S MANSION - LATER

Ace and Melissa are exiting. Camp stops in the doorway.

CAMP

(still confused)

I'm very sorry, Mr. Ace. I'll

have the pluming checked

immediately.

ACE

Be sure that you do. If I had

been drinking out of that toilet,

I might have been killed!

Ace shakes Camp's hand and notices his ring. He holds on to get a better look. It's a very distinct,

commemorative ring.

Camp wants his hand back but Ace won't let go. Melissa finally drags Ace away.

MELISSA

We'd better go.

Camp looks on and shakes his head.

INT. MELISSA'S CAR - NIGHT

Ace is thinking. Meli