Dingding's Adventure
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1. Teacher: Dingding, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
Dingding: Me.
2. Substitute Teacher(代课老师): Are you chewing gum(嚼口香糖)?
Dingding: No, I'm Dingding.
3. Teacher: How can one person make so many mistakes in one day?
Dingding: I get up early.
4. Teacher: Didn't you promise(许诺) to behave(表现) well?
Dingding: Yes, sir.
Teacher: And didn't I promise to punish(惩罚) you if you didn't?
Dingding: Yes, sir. But since I broke my promise, you didn't have to keep yours.
5. Teacher: Dingding, I hope I didn't see you looking at Mingming's paper.
Ding Ding: I hope you didn't, either.
6. Dingding: I don't think I deserve a zero on this test.
Teacher: I agree, but this is the lowest mark I can give you.
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1. Teacher: Dingding, can you tell me why rocket flies so fast?
Dingding: It's very natural. Anyone will make every effort to run when his hip is on fire.
2. Teacher: Why do we close one eye when we are shooting?
Dingding: If we close both of our eyes, what else can we see?
3. Dingding: Father beat me twice today.
Mother: Oh, what's the reason?
Dingding: The first time he beat me was because that he saw a test paper on my hand, with a mark which was only 20. The second time he beat me was because that he found the test paper was his own.
4 Dingding: Trust me. I can let you be the second happiest one in the world.
Girl: Why am I not second to none?
Dingding: Owning you, I am the happiest one in the world.
5. Father: Why are there so many umbrellas at home?
Dingding: I'm very forgetful. Mother always says to me, "When you go out in rainy days, remember to take back your umbrella." So in most cases, I keep her words in mind. But when I came back home, I found I didn't take my umbrella out at all. That's why we have more than ten umbrellas now.
6. Teacher: Dingding, I think you are a good boy.
Dingding: Thank you, sir. But why do you say so?
Teacher: I heard the dialogue between you and your desk-mate today. You said that students should keep silent when they are having lessons, didn't you?
Dingding: Oh, yes. Truly I said. But I also explained the reason why I thought so to my desk-mate .
Teacher: Can you tell me the reason?
Dingding: I said it was impolite to disturb other students' sleep in the class.
7. Teacher: I find many of you have worn thick glasses（眼镜）though you are very young. You know, eyes are windows of the heart. They can't be covered by glasses（玻璃）. They should keep their brightness.
Dingding: But sir, since eyes are windows, why can we equip them with glasses（玻璃）when winter comes?
8. Teacher: Boys and girls, have you ever noticed that lightning always comes before thunder?
Dingding: It's so easy that all of us can understand. Our eyes are in front of our ears. Am I right? |
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1. Teacher: Which tooth comes up latest in everyone's life?
Dingding: The false tooth.
2. Teacher: Why a giraffe's (长颈鹿)neck is so long?
Dingding: Because his head is far from his body.
3. Teacher: How many sides does a box have?
Dingding: Two. Inside and outside.
4. Girl: Can you tell me a place that I'm sure to find gold?
Dingding: Of course I can.
Girl: Oh, really? Tell me please.
Dingding: In the dictionary.
5. Teacher: Why can fishes only live in the river?
Dingding: Because there are cats on the land.
6. Teacher: Who can tell me what an oral test is?
Dingding: Let me try. An oral test is a game, in which one knows what to say but he doesn't say a word, while the other doesn't know what to say but he stills tries.
7. Teacher: Why will water turn into ice in winter?
Dingding: Water knows that people like to go skating in winter.
8. Teacher: When do you get up in the summer holidays?
Dingding: I get up as soon as the sunshine comes into my room.
Teacher: Oh, don't you think it will be too early?
Dingding: No. My room faces west |
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1.
Teacher: Last time, I assigned you to write an article on milk, and required that two pages would be necessary. But Dingding, why are there only several sentences on your exercise book?
Dingding: Oh, my article is on condensed （浓缩） milk, so it is short.
2.
Dingding came to the swimming class for the first time. After an hour, he asked the coach （教练）, “Mm, can I stop now?” “Why don't you go on practise swimming?? ” “Because I can't drink any more.”
3.
Teacher: Even ten clever men can't answer the question of a fool's.
Dingding: Yes, sir. That's why I always fail in the exams.
4.
Dingding: God bless me! Let London be the capital of Denmark （丹麦 ）.
Teacher:？？
Dingding: Because I wrote so on the geography test paper yesterday.
5.
Teacher: Why do we say that books are our best friend?
Dingding: Because when we are bored with them, we can let them alone. And no matter how long we don't read them, they won't be angry.
6.
Teacher: Boys and girls, can you make some examples of antonyms （反义词 ）?
Dingding: Day and night, summer and winter, father and mother……
7.
Teacher: Dingding, how do you define （下定义） the word “synonym” （同义词）?
Dingding: Synonym is the word used to substitute for the basic word that you don't know how to spell |
A Way to Make Money
Mother had decided to trim her household budget wherever possible, so instead of having a dress dry-cleaned she washed it by hand. Proud of her savings, she boasted to my father, "Just think, Fred, we are five dollars richer because I washed this dress by hand."
"Good," my dad quickly replied. "Wash it again!"
All Right
Hurrying my 11-year old daughter to school, I made a right turn at a red light when it was prohibited. "Uh-oh," I said, realizing my mistake. "I just made an illegal turn."
"I guess it's all right." my daughter replied, "The police car behind us did the same thing."
The doorbell rang and Mrs. Carson opened the front door. Her heart sank when she saw Mrs. Burbidge. Whenever Mrs. Burbidge called, she stayed for hours and hours.
"Good afternoon, Mrs. Carson," Mrs. Burbidge said, "I was just passing, and I thought I'd drop in to say hello."
"How very thoughtful of you," Mrs. Carson replied. "Do come in."
Just as Mrs. Carson had feared, Mrs. Burbidge stayed for several hours. It was nearly six o'clock, and Mr. Carson would be home from work soon. He couldn't stand Mrs. Burbidge. So Mrs. Carson kept wondering how she could persuade Mrs. Burbidge to leave without offending her.
"Has your husband come home from work yet?" Mrs. Carson asked.
"Oh, yes," Mrs. Burbidge answered. "He always gets home about five o'clock."
"It's nearly six o'clock. Won't he be getting worried about you?" Mrs. Carson said.
"I thought of that," Mrs. Burbidge said, "but it's so pleasant here. We've had such a lovely afternoon. You know what I'll do? I'll ring up my husband and tell him to come here, too. May I use your phone please?"
Mrs. Jones was still cleaning the house when her husband came back from work. She was wearing dirty, old clothes and no stockings, her hair was not tidy, she had dust on her face, and she looked dirty and tired. Her husband looked at her and said, "Is this what I come home to after a hard day's work?"
Mrs. Jones's neighbour, Mrs. Smith, was there. When she heard Mr. Jones's words, she quickly said goodbye and ran back to her house. Then she washed, brushed and combed her hair carefully, put on her best dress and her prettiest stockings, painted her face, and waited for her husband to come home.
When he arrived, he was hot and tired. He walked slowly into the house, saw his wife and stopped. Then he shouted angrily, "And where are you going this evening?"
Don't Worry about Being Late
Mr. and Mrs. Wilson and their children were going to begin their vacation one day, and they had to be at the airport at eleven-forty AM. "It'll take us half an hour to get there in the taxi," Mr. Wilson said, "so we all have to be ready by eleven o'clock. Nobody should be late."
At ten minutes to eleven they were still all running around doing things, except Mrs. Wilson, who was sitting quietly on a chair in the garden enjoying the sun.
Her husband and children were very surprised that she wasn't in a hurry too, until the taxi arrived and Mrs. Wilson said to them, "Well, I knew that this was going to be happen, so before I went to bed last night, I moved all our clocks and watches ahead twenty minutes. So now we can go to the airport quietly without worring about being late."
General Patton
Our daughter was being interviewed for a supervisory position. When asked if she had ever worked in such a capacity before, she answered, "No, but at home I have four boys and they call me General Patton."
She got the job.
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Train Ticket
An accountant and engineering convention was being held. On the train to the convention, there were both accounting and engineering majors. Each of the engineering majors had his/her own train ticket. But the accountants had only ONE ticket for all of them. The engineers started laughing and snickering(窃笑). The accountants ignored the laughter. Then, one of the accountants said, "Here comes the conductor". All of the accountants piled(拥；进入) into the bathroom(盥洗室). The engineers were puzzled. The conductor came aboard and collected tickets from all the engineers. He went to the bathroom, knocked on the door, and said "Ticket please". An accountant stuck their only ticket under the door. The conductor took the ticket and left. A few minutes later, the accountants emerged(出现) from the bathroom. The engineers felt really stupid.
On the way back from the convention, the group of engineering majors had ONE ticket for their group. They started snickering at the accountants, who had NO tickets amongst them. When the accountant lookout shouted "Conductor coming!", all the accountants again piled into a bathroom. All of the engineers went into another bathroom. Then, before the conductor came on board, one of the accountants left the bathroom, knocked on the other bathroom, and said "Ticket please".
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A Real Watch Dog
A blind man walked into a bank with his seeing-eye dog(导盲犬) that guided him everywhere. He walked into the center of the bank floor, took the dog by the chain, and started swinging him around his head.
Everyone stopped what they were doing and looked. The other customers were very confused and some very upset at the way the animal was being treated. One of the tellers ran up to the blind man and asked, ''Sir, what are you doing!?!''
The man turned toward the teller and simply said ''Looking around.''
Call on an Expert
Little Johnny was playing with his father's wallet when he accidently swallowed a quarter. He went crying to him mum, choking on the quarter. They took him to a doctor, who said that the quarter was impossible to remove without surgery, they consulted a specialist who was of the same opinion. Then came a man who said he could get the money out in a jiffy. He turned little Johnny upside down and patted him with great precision on the back of neck and, sure enough, the quarter rolled out. Everyone was amazed, the father said “You must be an expert!” The man replied, “No sir I'm just a tax collector.”
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When my son was a high-school sophomore, he got a part-time job-- sacking groceries at a supermarket. He came home all smiles.
我儿子在一所中学读二年级时，在一家超级市场找到了一份包装商品的业余工作。他满面笑容地回到了家。
"How was your first day?" I asked.
“第一天感觉如何？”我问。
"It was great, Dad," he replied. "I got to talk to some good-looking girls."
“好极了，爸爸。”他答道，“我跟许多漂亮的女孩子讲了话。”
Since Stephen is not very talkative, I asked, "What did you say to them?"
由于斯蒂芬不擅言谈，我问道：“你跟他们说了些什么？”
"Do you prefer paper or plastic?"
“你是喜欢纸包装还是塑料包装”
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这是一篇很容易读懂的英文短诗。上个世纪，南非的黑白种族隔离政策曾让非洲原住民遭到许多不平等待遇，而本诗作者以天生肤色的差异，来表达心中的不满与无奈。
Dear white, something you got to know
亲爱的白种人，有几件事你必须知道。
When I was born, I was black.
当我出生时，我是黑色的
When I grow up, I am black.
我长大了，我是黑色的
When I'm under the sun, I'm black.
我在阳光下，我是黑色的
When I'm cold, I'm black.
我寒冷时，我是黑色的
When I'm afraid, I'm black.
我害怕时，我是黑色的
When I'm sick, I'm black.
我生病了，我是黑色的
When I die, I'm still black.
当我死了，我仍是黑色的。
you---white people,
你---白种人
When you were born, you were pink.
当你出生时，你是粉红色的
When you grow up, you become white.
你长大了，变成白色的
You're red under the sun.
你在阳光下，你是红色的
You're blue when you're cold.
你寒冷时，你是青色的
You are yellow when you're afraid.
你害怕时，你是黄色的
You're green when you're sick.
你生病时，你是绿色的
You're gray when you die.
当你死时，你是灰色的
And you, call me "color"?
而你，却叫我「有色人种」？
美军作战条例
1. You are not a superman.
你不是超人。（不要无谓的冒险、不要做傻事）
2. If it's stupid but works，it isn't stupid.
如果一个蠢方法有效，那它就不是一个蠢方法。
3.Don't look conspicuous - it draws fire. (This is why aircraft carriers are called “Bomb Magnets”.)
不要太显眼，因为那会引来对方火力攻击。（这就是航母被称为“炸弹磁铁”的原因。）
4. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than you are.
别和比你勇敢的战友躲在同一个散兵坑里。
5. Never forget that the lowest bidder made your weapon.
别忘了你手上的武器是由最低价的承包商得标制造的。
6. If your attack is going really well， it's an ambush.
如果你的攻击进行得很顺利，那一定是你中了圈套。
7. All five-second grenade fuses will burn down in three seconds.
所有五秒的手榴弹引线都会在三秒内烧完。
8. Try to look unimportant because bad guys may be low on ammo.
尽量显得是一个无关紧要的人，因为敌人可能弹药不够了。（他会先打最重要的人）
9. If you are forward of your position，the artillary will fall short.
每当你要攻击前进时，炮兵往往也快要用完了炮弹。
10. The enemy diversion you are ignoring is the main attack.
那支你以为是敌军疑兵而不加注意的部队恰恰就是敌人的攻击主力。
11. The important things are always simple.
重要的事总是简单的。
12. The simple things are always hard.
简单的事总是难作到。
13. The easy way is always mined.
好走的路总是已被敌军布上了地雷。
14. If you are short of everything except enemy. You are in combat.
如果你除了敌人不缺，其它什么都缺，那你往往就要面临作战了。
15. Incoming fire has the right of way.
飞来的子弹有优先通行权。（挡它的道你就要倒大楣！）
16. If the enemy is in range, SO ARE YOU!!!
如果敌人正在你的射程内，别忘了你也在他的射程内。
17. No combat ready unit has ever passed inspections.
从没有一支完成战备的单位能通过校阅。
18. Things that must be together to work usually can't be shipped together.
必须要装配在一起才能发挥效力的武器装备通常不会一起运来。
19. Radio's will fail as soon as you need fire support desperately.
无线电通讯会有可能在你急需火力支援时失灵。
20. Anything you do can get you shot - including doing nothing.
你作的任何事都可能挨枪子儿 -- 包括你什么都不做。
21. Tracers work both ways.
曳光弹可以帮你找到敌踪；但也会让敌人找到你。
22. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
唯一比敌人火力还精确的是友军打过来的炮火。（误射）
23. Make it tough for the enemy to get in and you can't get out.
当你防守严密到敌人攻不进来时，那往往你自己也打出不去。
24. If you take more than your fair share of objectives, you will have more than your fair share of objectives to take.
如果你多报战功，那下次你会被给予超过你能力的目标让你去打。（自讨苦吃）
25. When both sides are convinced that they are about to lose, they are both right.
当两军都觉得自己快输时，那他们可能都是对的。
26. Professional soldiers are predictable but the world is full of amateurs.
专业士兵的行为是你能预测的，可惜战场上业余的士兵占多数，因此敌人的行为大部分是你所无法预测的。
这几年，多有借考察为名到国外公费旅游之事。这些人大都不是技术干部，不会外语，离开了翻译就寸步难行。
某县商业局的一个"消费结构、消费方式考察团"，到了法国特地聘请了一个翻译，陪他们尽情地用各种方式消费了半个月，又在回国途中绕道俄罗斯继续消费。这些在中国领导消费新潮流的同志第一次到俄国餐馆消费，又来不及请俄文翻译，小姐拿来菜单，他们看不懂，面面相觑。一看菜单上的第一行俄文字最粗最大，估计是餐厅特别推荐的美食佳肴，大家就以级别高低为序菜单上的第一行点了点，决定消费这个。小姐一愣，很快就将一个大胖子领了过来。大胖子问发生了什么事。诸位消费专家听不懂，又依次将菜单上的第一行大字点了一遍。每点一次，大胖子就点头一次，并用手指着自己，幸亏该消费团的团长级别高，水平也高，马上就明白过来，原来菜单上的第一行大字是这个大胖子经理的名字。消费团却把他当做特别推荐的美食佳肴给点来消费，谁敢吃呢？
还有一个某市的考察团到日本，也是到餐厅吃饭，不懂日语，也是点了菜单上的第一行字，也以为是餐厅隆重推出的好菜。这一次小姐倒没诧异，而是微笑着地鞠躬表示知道了。可是等了很久，不见小姐把菜送上来。考察团的同志们又把小姐叫了过来，又把菜单上的第一行日本字点了一次。小姐又是微笑着深深地一鞠躬表示知道了。可同志们还是等了很久仍不风小姐送菜上来。最后不得不请邻桌的一位中国留学生去问。小姐说，早已送过了，两次都送了。留学生便问领队点了什么菜。领队指着菜单上的第一行字说，喏，就这个。留学生哈哈大笑，原来第一行字是餐厅播送闭幕式音乐的曲名。考察团的同志们倒是两次都听到了，就是没吃到。
又有几个不懂英语的领导同志组成的考察团到美国餐馆就餐，也许他们都听到过以上的笑话，所以就没乱点菜单，而是决定用手势来表示他们要吃什么。他们想喝酸奶。于是大家就用手拍了拍自己的胸脯，表示"我"，然后又都伸出食指，表示"一"，又同时做了个握杯的手势，以此表示"我要一杯"，这都很准确，小姐看了也明白无误，可是"酸奶"怎么用手势来表示呢？大家易想当然地皱起眉头，咧着嘴，像喝了醋似的，表示"酸"。其实在英语中"酸奶"（yoghurt）毫无"酸"的意思。接着他们又学了一声牛叫："哞"，然后两手握拳，放在胸部两边，一紧一松，做挤奶的状，小姐看了半天，不明白，他们又表演了一遍：皱眉、咧嘴、"哞"……..这下小姐恍然大悟，连连说"OK!OK!"于是大家松了一口气，坐等酸奶。过了一会儿，只见小姐送来的是开水和止痛片，原来她以为诸位先生皱眉、咧嘴，并发出根本不像牛叫的痛若呻吟，准是牙病。可她始终不明白这些中国男人把两只拳头放在胸前一紧一松，挤来挤去的是什么意思。
难怪后来有人说，要是团里有几位女同志就好了，男人在胸前能挤出个什么奶呢？
唉，不会外语，连吃饭点菜都出洋相，这些人出国能考察出个什么来呢
My First and My Last
When George was thirty-five, he bought a small plane and learned to fly it. He soon became very good and made his plane do all kinds of tricks(做各种各样的特技飞行).
George had a friend. His name was Mark. One day George offered to take Mark up in his plane. Mark thought, "I've travelled in a big plane several times, but I've never been in a small one, so I'll go."
They went up, and George flew around for half an hour and did all kinds of tricks in the air.
When they came down again, Mark was very glad to be back safely, and he said to his friend in a shaking voice, "Well, George, thank you very much for those two trips in your plane."
Gerogy was very surprised and said, "Two trips?"
"Yes, my first and my last," answered Mark.
走私犯
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The suspicious-looking man drove up to the border, where he was greeted by a sentry. When the guard looked in the trunk, he was surprised to find six sacks bulging at the seams.
"What's in here?" he asked.
"Dirt," the driver replied.
"Take them out," the guard instructed. "I want to check them."
Obliging, the man removed the bags, and sure enough, each one of them contained nothing but dirt. Reluctantly, the guard let him go.
A week later the man came back, and once again, the sentry looked in the truck.
"What's in the bags this time?" he asked.
"Dirt, more dirt." said the man.
Not believing him, the guard checked the sacks and, once again, he found nothing but soil.
The same thing happened every week for six months, and it finally became so frustrating to the guard that he quit and became a bartender. Then one night, the suspicious-looking fellow happened to stop by for a drink. Hurrying over to him, the former guard said, "Listen, pal, drinks are on the house tonight if you'll do me a favor: Just tell me what the hell you were smuggling all that time."
Grinning broadly, the man leaned close to the bartender's ear and whispered, "Cars."
A Smugglar
一个形迹可疑的人开车来到边境，哨兵迎了上去。哨兵在检查汽车行李箱时，惊奇地发现了六个缝的紧绷绷的大口袋。
“里面装的是什么？”他问道。
“土。”司机回答。
“把袋子拿出来”，哨兵命令道：“我要检查。”
那人老老实实地把口袋搬了出来。一点不假，口袋里除了土什么也没有。哨兵很不情愿地让他通过了。
一周后，那人又来了，哨兵再次检查汽车上的行李箱。
“这次袋子里装的是什么？”他问道。
“土，又运了一些土。”那人回答。
哨兵不相信，对那些袋子又进行了检查，除了土仍旧一无所获。
同样的事情每周重演一次，一共持续了六个月。最后，哨兵被弄得灰心丧气，干脆辞职去当了酒吧侍者。有天晚上，那个形迹可疑的人碰巧到哪里喝酒。那位前哨兵急忙迎上前去对他说，“我说，老兄，你要是能帮我一个忙，今晚的酒就归我请客。你能不能告诉我，那段时间你到底在走私什么东西？”
那人俯身过来，凑近侍者的耳朵，裂开嘴笑嘻嘻地说：“汽车。” |
A Bad Impression
Six people were travelling in a compartment on a train. Five of them were quiet and well behaved, but the sixth was a rude young man who was causing a lot of trouble to the other passengers.
At last this young man got out at a station with his two heavy bags. None of the other passengers helped him, but one of them waited until the rude young man was very far away and then opened the window and shouted to him, "You left something behind in the compartment!"(你把东西留在车厢里了!) Then he closed the window again.
The young man truned around and hurried back with his two bags. He was very tired when he arrived, but he shouted through the window, "What did I leave behind?"
As the train began to move again, the passenger who had called him back opened the window and said, "A very bad impression!"
Keys? Kiss?
导读：
一个谐音字闹出的笑话。
A friend of mine was giving an English lesson to a class of adult who had recently come to live in the United States. After placing quite a number of everyday objects(日常用品) on a table, he asked various members of the class to give him the ruler, the book, the pen and so on. The class went very smoothly and the students seemed interested and serious about the work that they were engaged in until when my friend turned to an Italian student and said, "Give me the keys." The man looked surprised and somewhat at a loss(手足无措). Seeing this, my friend thought that the student hadn't heard him clearly, so he repeated. "Give me the keys." The Italian shrugged his shoulders. Then, he threw his arms around the teacher's neck and kissed him on both cheeks.
An Old Couple's Quarrel
A couple of codgers got into a quarrel and came before the local magistrate. The loser, turning to his opponent in a combative frame of mind（心绪,心情）, cried: "I'll law you to the Circuit Court."
"I'm willing," said the other.
"I'll law you to the Supreme Court."
"I'll be there."
"And I'll law the hell!"
"My attorney will be there," was the calm reply.
一对性情乖僻的老夫妻发生了争吵，一直闹到地方法官那里。败诉的一方以一种临战的姿态冲着对方嚷道：“我要到巡回法庭去告你。”
“愿意奉陪。”另一个说。
“我要到最高法院去告你。”
“我也陪你。”
“我还要到地狱去告你。”
“我的代理人会奉陪的。”对方平静的说。 |
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