Skunk
"We have a skunk in the basement," shrieked the caller to the police dispatcher. "How can we get it out?"
"Take some bread crumbs," said the dispatcher, "and put down a trail from the basement out to the back yard. Then leave the cellar door open."
Sometime later the resident called back. "Did you get rid of it?" asked the dispatcher.
"No," replied the caller. "Now I have two skunks in there!"
“我们的地下室里有一只臭鼬，”打电话的人对警察调度员尖叫道。“我们怎样才能把它弄出来？”
“弄一些面包屑，”调度员说，“从地下室往外铺一条小道直到后院。然后将地下室的门打开。”
一段时间后，那位居民又将电话打了回来。“你们将它弄出来了吗？”调度员问。
“没有，”打电话的人答道，“现在那儿有两只臭鼬了。”
I'll See to the Rest
A guard was about to signal his train to start when he saw an attractive girl standing on the platform by an open door, talking to another pretty girl inside the carriage.
"Come on, miss!" he shouted. "Shut the door, please!"
"Oh, I just want to kiss my sister goodbye," she called back.
"You just shut that door, please," called the guard, "and I'll see to the rest."
一位列车员正要发出信号让火车启动，这时他看见一位很漂亮的姑娘站在站台上一节打开的车厢门旁边，跟车厢里另一位漂亮姑娘在说话。
“快点，小姐!”他喊道：“请把门关上。”
“噢，我还没有和妹妹吻别呢。”她回答道。
“请把门关上好了，”列车员说：“其余的事由我负责。”
A Soldier's Brilliant Idea
导读：
乘飞机旅行时，你想找一位美丽的姑娘作伴，该怎么做呢？请看一看这个士兵的高招吧！
Mr. Robinson had to travel somewhere on business, and as he was in a hurry, he decided to go by air. He liked sitting beside a window when he was flying, so when he got on to the plane, he looked for a window seat. He found all of them had already had been taken except for one. There was a soldier sitting in the seat beside this one, and Mr. Robinson was surprised that he had not taken the one by the window; but, anyhow, he at once went towards it.
When he reached it, however, he saw that there was a notice(启事) on it. It was written in ink and said, "This seat is preserved for proper load balance(为保持装载平衡，特预设该位置), thank you." Mr Robinson had never seen such an unusual notice in a plane before, but he thought that the plane must be carrying something particularly heavy in it, so he walked on and found another empty seat, not beside a window, to sit in.
Two or three people tried to sit in the window seat beside the soldier, but they too read the notice and went on, when the plane was nearly full, a very beautiful girl hurried into the plane. The soldier, who was watching the passengers coming in, quickly took the notice off the seat beside himself and in this way succeeded in having the company of the girl(与这位姑娘作伴) during the whole trip.
Large Uniforms
During our first three days at Lackland Air Force Base in San Antonio, we were herded from place to place for haircuts, shots and uniforms. Back in our barracks, the drill instructor told us to put on our uniforms and fall out in front of the building. Some of the uniforms, however, were extremely large. As we filed outside, the sergeant stood by the door with his assistant. "We have to take some of these people back for refitting," he said. "That last man took two steps before his uniform moved."
在圣安东尼奥的莱克兰空军基地的头三天，我们被从一个地方赶到另一个地方去理发、照相、领制服。回到营房之后，训练指导员让我们穿上制服，在营房前原地解散。但是，我些制服特别大。我们列队的时候，中士和他的副手就站在门边。“我们得将一些人弄回去重新量一下，”他说，“最后那个人走了两步，他的制服才动。”
I Don't Know Her
A couple(一对夫妇) walking in the park noticed a young man and woman sitting on a bench, passionately(动情地) kissing.
"Why don't you do that?" said the wife.
"Honey," replied her husband, "I don't even know that woman!"
Dear God
A little boy wanted '100.00 very badly and prayed(祈祷) for weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the '100.00.
When the postal authorities received the letter to God, USA, they decided to send it to the President.
The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a '5.00 bill. The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the '5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:
Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, D.C., and, as usual, those turkeys deducted '95.00 in taxes.
Car Accident
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished(破坏；损坏) but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
After they crawl(爬；爬行) out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."
Flattered(被奉承), the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely!"
"This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle(奇迹). My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man, The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."
Typical Lawyer
A dog ran into a butcher(屠夫；卖肉者) shop and grabbed(抓取) a roast(烤肉) off the counter. Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbor of his. The neighbor happened to be a lawyer.
Incensed(使发怒；激怒) at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbor and said, "Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable(有(法律)责任的) for the cost of the meat?"
The lawyer replied, "Of course, how much was the roast?"
"'7.98."
A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for '7.98. Attached to it was an invoice that read: Legal Consultation Service: '150.
An APB On God
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A couple had two little boys, ages eight and ten, who were excessively mischievous.
The two were always getting into trouble and their parents could be confident that if any mischief occurred in their town, their two young sons were involved in some capacity. The parents were at their wit's end as to what to do about their sons' behavior.
The parents had heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children in the past, so they contacted him, and he agreed to give it his best shot. He asked to see the boys individually, so the eight-year-old was sent to meet with him first. The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"
The boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?"
Again the boy made no attempt to answer, so the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face, "WHERE IS GOD?"
At that, the boy bolted from the room, ran directly home, and slammed himself in his closet. His older brother followed him into the closet and said, "What happened?"
The younger brother replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing and they think we did it!"
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No Ears
There was a man who was in a horrible accident, and was injured. But the only permanent damage he suffered was the amputation(切除；截肢) of both of his ears. As a result of this "unusual" handicap(障碍；不利条件), he was very self-conscious about his having no ears.
Because of the accident, he received a large sum of money from the insurance company(保险公司). It was always his dream to own his own business, so he decided with all this money he had, he now had the means to own his business. So he went out and purchased a small, but expanding computer firm. But he realized that he had no business knowledge at all, so he decided that he would have to hire someone to run the business.
He picked out three top candidates(候选人), and interviewed each of them. The first interview went really well. He really liked this guy. His last question for this first candidate was, "Do you notice anything unusual about me?" The guy said, "Now that you mention it, you have no ears." The man got really upset and threw the guy out.
The second interview went even better than the first. This candidate was much better. Again, to conclude the interview, the man asked the same question again, "Do you notice anything unusual about me?" This guy also noticed, "Yes, you have no ears." The man was really upset again, and threw this second candidate out.
Then he had the third interview. The third candidate was even better than the second, the best out of all of them. Almost certain that he wanted to hire this guy, the man once again asked, "Do you notice anything unusual about me?" The guy replied, "Yeah, you're wearing contact lenses(隐形眼镜)."
Surprised, the man then asked, "Wow! That's quite perceptive(有察觉力的) of you! How could you tell?"
The guy burst out laughing and said, "Well, You can't wear glasses if you don't have any ears!"
Frenchmen
Three guys, an Englishman, a Frenchman and an American are walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it.
"I will give you each one wish, " says the genie.
The American says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in America." With a blink of the genie's eye, 'FOOM' - the land in America was forever made fertile for farming.
The Frenchman was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around France, so that no one can come into our precious country." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' - there was a huge wall around France.
The Englishman asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.
The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and nothing can get in or out."
The Englishman says, "Fill it up with water."
Sons' Gifts to Mother
Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the
gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.
The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."
The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."
The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. Remember how mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well. I sent her a remarkable
parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the
parrot recites it."
Soon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks.
"Milton," she wrote one son, "the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."
"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"
"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious."
Did You Know Him?
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At a dinner party in the home of friends, our host mentioned his high school alma mater(母校). One of the guests asked him if he had been a student there at the same time as a particular vice principal.
"I sure was!" answered the host. "He's the biggest jerk(性情古怪的人) I've ever met. Did you know him too?"
"Sort of," replied the guest. "My mother married him last Saturday."
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An Unexpected Hobby
Alice lived in the country, but one year she decided to visit the capital city to do some shopping and to go sight-seeing. She stayed at a hotel beside the central market. She had seldom been to the city before, and was very excited about what she would find.
On the first morning in the city, as she walked from the hotel to the market, she passed a beggar. On the ground was a notice which said, “Blind ant birth. Please give generously.” Alice felt sorry for the blind beggar and she put a dollar coin into his bowl. “Thank you.” he said.
On the third day, however, Alice did not have a dollar coin. She had only fifty cents so she dropped this into the beggar's bowl. The beggar noticed that she gave him less money than the first two times. “Why are you so stingy(吝啬的；小气的) today?”
Alice was very surprised by what the beggar said. “How do you know I haven't given you a dollar?” she said, “If you're blind you can't know what coin I put into your bowl.”
“Ah,” explained the beggar, “to tell you the truth, I'm not blind. I'm just looking after this place for the regular while he's on holiday.”
“Oh, holiday!” Alice exclaimed. “And what exactly does your blind friend do on holiday?”
“He goes into the country,” the man said, “And takes photographs. He's a very good photographer.”
Not Having It All Cut Off
Bill Jenkins worked in a big office in the city, and he often went to the barber's during working hours to have his hair cut. This was against the rules since clerks had to have their hair cut in their own time.
While Bill was at the barber's one day, the manager of the office came in by chance to have his own hair cut. Bill saw him and tried to hide his face, but the manager came and sat beside him, and he soon recognized him.
“Hello, Jenkins,” the manager said. “I see that you are having your hair cut in office time.”
“Yes, sir, I am,” admitted Bill calmly. “You see, sir, it grows in office time.”
“Not all of it,” said the manager of the office at once. “Some of it grows in your own time.”
“Yes, sir, that's quite true,” answered Bill politely, “but I'm not having it all cut off.”
A Sense of Achievement
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“Are the slimming exercises doing you any good?” a man asked his beer-bellied(啤酒肚) colleague. “Can you touch your toes now?”
“No, I can't touch them,” the other replied, “but I'm beginning to see them.”
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Mother Not Knowing How to Raise Children
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“Mommy has no idea how to raise children,” said Dingding to his father.
“How can you say such a thing?” replied the father.
“Well, Mommy always sends me to bed at night when I'm not sleepy, and wakes me up in the morning when I am.” |
Apple and Worm
What did the apple say to the worm?
You're boring me.
双关语：bore (v.使烦扰, 钻孔)
鳄鱼皮鞋
Alligator Shoes
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way(非常地), but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"
The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"
Top Salesman
A young guy from Virginia moves to California and goes to a big department store looking for a job.
The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Virginia."
The boss liked the kid, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?"
The kid says, "One."
The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"
Kid says, "'101,237.64."
Boss says, "'101,237.64? What did you sell him?"
Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook(钩). Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod(杆). Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down at the coast(海岸；海滨), so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer."
The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?"
Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons(塞伤口等用的棉塞) for his wife, and I said, 'Well, since your weekend's short, you might as well go fishing.'"
2 Canadian Guys
Two Canadian guys, Mike and Rob were on the roof, laying tile(铺设瓦片), when a sudden gust of wind came and knocked down their ladder.
"I have an idea," said Mike. "We'll throw you down, and then you can pick up the ladder."
"What, do you think I'm stupid? I have an idea. I'll shine my flashlight, and you can climb down on the beam of light."
"What, do you think I'm stupid? You'll just turn off the flashlight when I'm halfway there."
胡萝卜
Carrots
How do you know that carrots are good for your eyesight?
Have YOU ever seen a rabbit with glasses?
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Revenge(报复)
A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round-trip(往返旅行) ticket -- If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino(赌场) where there was a cab(出租汽车) waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabby(出租汽车驾驶人). He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail(完全无用).
The cabby said, "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike(要求免费搭车)to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.
One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.
The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked? "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to make out with me on the way?" The taxi driver exclaimed, "What?! Get the hell out of my cab."
The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabby replied "Fifteen bucks." The businessman said "Ok" and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.
Paraphrasing:
revenge: v. 报复
casino: n. 赌场
cab: n. 出租汽车
cabby: n. 出租汽车驾驶人
to no avail: 完全无用
hitch-hike: v. (要求)免费搭车 |
Frog's Dream
A small frog goes to a fortune teller and asks if he is gonna meet a young girl.
The teller tells him, “ Yes, you are.”
The frog replies, “Where? In a bar or at a party?”
The teller says, “In biology class!”
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Too Much
A Russian, a Cuban, an American businessman and an American lawyer were on a train traveling Europe. The Russian took out a large bottle of vodka(伏特加), poured each of his companions a drink and then threw the semi full bottle out the window.
“Why did you do that?” asked the American businessman.
“Vodka is plentiful in my country,” said the Russian, “In fact, we have more than we will ever use.”
A little later, the Cuban passed around fine Havana(哈瓦那) cigars. He took a couple of puffs(一口) of his and then tossed(扔；掷) it out the window.
“I thought the Cuban economy was suffering,” the businessman said. “Yet you threw that perfectly good cigar away.”
“Cigars,” the Cuban replied, “are a dime(一角钱) a dozen in Cuba. We have more of them than we know what to do with.”
The American businessman sat in silence for a moment. Then he got up, grabbed the lawyer and threw him out the window.
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