'80 Days' is
no worldbeater
AROUND THE WORLD IN 80 DAYS. With Jackie Chan, Steve Coogan, Cecile De France.Director Frank Coraci (2:00). PG: Action violence.

With the exception of one masterfully choreographed - and improbably bloodless - martial-arts gang fight, the new version of Jules Verne's "Around the World in 80 Days" is one of the lamest remakes of a classic film I've ever seen.

Not that its target audience of small children will mind.
They won't know that one of the main joys of - indeed, the only reason for making - the 1956 original was its huge cast of cameo performers.
Among the more than two dozen illustrious stars putting in surprise appearances were Frank Sinatra, Marlene Dietrich, Ronald Colman, George Raft, Victor McLaglen and Buster Keaton.
In Frank Coraci's remake, Owen and Luke Wilson brighten up one scene as the feuding Wright brothers and Arnold Schwarzenegger stinks up another as a Turkish prince.
Otherwise, all the budget could apparently afford was John Cleese as a London bobby and Kathy Bates as Queen Victoria.
Rob Schneider shows up as a San Francisco bum, but I would like to think of that as career foreshadowing.
The story follows Verne's novel in outline only, with British nobleman Phileas Fogg and his manservant Passepartout trying to circumnavigate the globe in 80 days to win a bet.
But Fogg isn't the dapper fellow played by David Niven in the original and Passepartout isn't the quiet Frenchman played by Cantinflas.
In the new gang-written adaptation, Fogg (British comedian Steve Coogan) is a goofy inventor and his valet is actually a Chinese revolutionary (Jackie Chan) who pops into his backyard after stealing a jade Buddha from the Bank of England.
Chan's Lau Xing passes himself off as half-French to get the job of Fogg's manservant and goads him into making the around-the-world bet to hitch a ride back to his village and return the Buddha to its rightful shrine.
En route, they pick up a French chick (Cecile De France) for the romantically inept Phileas, are followed by an inept British detective (Ewen Bremner), chased by Chinese warlords and end up as undying friends.
From the opening chase scene, with Lau Xing running from the bobbies, to the finale on the steps of the Royal Academy of Science in London, "80 Days" is so broadly played, there is not a moment of tension or suspense, let alone surprise.
The three leads are appealing, though De France's resemblance to Brittany Murphy is both scary and discouraging.
Coogan is a very funny actor and will survive the indignities of this script.
But Chan may have run out his string as a physical comedian.
You can only appreciate his athleticism and endearing smile so much. He has to start developing some characters.
Lau Xing is like every other lovable action figure he has played since starting his English-language career.
As expected from a movie budgeted far north of $100 million, the visuals are sumptuous. Particularly nice are the transitions between locales, which seamlessly transform from storybook models to live action.
But when you realize you're more interested in the countdown - "61 days, San Francisco," "80 days, New York" - than the images, you're reminded that money isn't everything.